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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Did I do the right thing to tell my crush openly?

243 replies

Iloveworms · 28/04/2018 09:43

Happily Married with 2DCs and early forties. Over the last 6 months a huge crush has developed on a colleague who I have to regularly work with but don’t sit anywhere near him fortunately. I told DH about it, but it hasn’t really killed it. Crush (married) has noticed my unnecessary attention to him and glances across the room. He is a really funny nice person but has now started to tease me about it. I am now totally embarrassed and decided to take the plunge and tell him openly to get him to put me off. This is what I wrote:

Xxxx, it is really frustrating & embarrassing to have these feelings for you. I know it will disappear at some point..but maybe writing it down like this will kill it more quickly. So please, go ahead and do what you think you should (ignore me, embarrass me, tell me about your bad points :-) so I can go back to how I used to see you, just a nice person and colleague. I’m sorry for being very annoying... Have a nice weekend with your family.

Did I do the right thing? I feel better now as it is out and when I am next at work I know I will be so embarrassed I will avoid him as much as I can. I’m hoping the huge embarrassment will kill it for me. It was getting too much.

Just curious to know your experiences if you’ve ever done this and wanted to get it off my chest. Of course he hasn’t responded which is what I expected and is definitely best.

OP posts:
Onlyhavetwohands · 28/04/2018 09:46

No I don’t think you did the right thing. I would be mortified to have done that. The problem is how he will react eg he could be embarrassed, think you are crazy, tell everyone, avoid you or declare his undying love back and then where would you be? Better to have left it. Are you sure you don’t want the feelings to be reciprocated?

Iloveworms · 28/04/2018 09:58

I know he is not interested and I know he already knows. So it is just a way to clear the air. And now the embarrassment of knowing he knows how pathetic I am will motivate me to totally avoid him. If this doesn’t work I will wait it out but the teasing was getting too obvious.

OP posts:
SeriousChutzpah · 28/04/2018 10:04

Dear God, no, OP. I hope you are just trialling the idea on here, and didn’t actually send that embarrassingly passive-aggressive ‘annoying little me’ text/email? I think that what would worry me most in the situation you describe is that he doesn’t sound at all like a nice or trustworthy person — who, if they suspected a married colleague was struggling with an attraction to them, would openly tease them about it in the workplace? — and I would worry about what he might do with the information.

In the nicest possible way, OP, it isn’t your colleague’s job to help you conquer your crush. Just keep away from him. It will fade in time.

Iloveworms · 28/04/2018 10:13

He’s not openly teasing me, fortunately.
You are right it’s not his job. It was a reaction to my embarrassment realising that he knows what I am feeling. Ok, Arse kicked. Have taken the week off and mission finished in a few months. I can live this out. It will die down.

OP posts:
bobstersmum · 28/04/2018 10:19

I cringed when I read what you wrote to him! I also think it's weird to have feelings for a crush? A crush is someone you harmlessly admire isn't it?

ScreamingValenta · 28/04/2018 10:23

From what you've said, he'd realised anyway because he was teasing you, so while it wasn't a brilliant idea to message him, it probably hasn't made too much difference.

blinkowl · 28/04/2018 10:27

I also think it's weird to have feelings for a crush? A crush is someone you harmlessly admire isn't it?

Eh? A crush definitely is someone you have feelings for!

Bluntness100 · 28/04/2018 10:28

No, this wasn't a good idea and I also hope you are just trialing the idea and didn't actually do this.

You're a grown woman, telling colleagues in the workplace you have a crush on them is deeply inappropriate behaviour and embarrassing for everyone.

Do you generally get obsessional about things and behave inappropriately?

AfterSchoolWorry · 28/04/2018 10:30

Oh God.

That just comes across that you're secretly hoping to generate some attention from him under the guise of 'killing the crush'.

You 'kill a crush' by avoiding interaction not initiating it.

I think you're in a bit of denial about wanting to kill this crush. And, your poor husband, why did you tell him?

Incarnationsofunderstanding · 28/04/2018 10:34

Ouch, you've made it sound really serious! If you wanted it open you should have said something to him when teasing in a jokey way not a formal email.

Iloveworms · 28/04/2018 10:36

Ok, ok, it was a mistake but it won’t make any difference. I know him well enough to know what his reaction will be. There won’t be any professional consequences. Not in his interest nor mine. It will be ok and it has already helped kill it for me. Thanks anyway.

OP posts:
springydaff · 28/04/2018 10:37

I think it's the nature of obsessive crushes to want to declare all in order to kill it. But doing that just adds rocket fuel to the whole thing imo.

I'm also not into shame as a way to kill crushes - shame is fertile ground for obsessive crushes/limerence.

Have you experienced anything like this before op?

Thinkingofausername1 · 28/04/2018 10:38

Oh dear. I think it's better it feeling huge in your head, than writing a note. He could show it to your boss. I think you are being a little naive saying it won't affect you professionally. Sad

springydaff · 28/04/2018 10:40

Tho I'm a bit astonished you'd put something like this in an email, let alone a work email Shock

Bluntness100 · 28/04/2018 10:41

I think it's the nature of obsessive crushes to want to declare all in order to kill it

No, this little message, if it was real, was a way to see if he was going to bite, if she could get some interest out of him.

Isadora666 · 28/04/2018 10:42

It seems weird to be so open about it unless you're hoping to provoke interest? What did your DH say you told him? Honestly I'd be furious if DP did that. Yes we can all develop crushes but you should've just kept it to yourself and kept your relationship strictly professional.

springydaff · 28/04/2018 10:46

Bluntness, we're saying the same thing if you the sentence following.

There can be a lot of denial with obsessive crushes. Tho I would say there is often a genuine need to free oneself from the vice of an obsessive crush.

springydaff · 28/04/2018 10:46

*if you read

SeriousChutzpah · 28/04/2018 10:49

Sorry, worms, that came across more harshly than I meant, and I misread the reference to teasing and thought he was making a public joke of you. I still don’t think teasing is a nice response, if your feelings are obviously involved. I think what reads oddly to me is that it’s so obvious to him — how did he know enough to tease you about it before you messaged him? Surely you aren’t staring at him wth hearts in your eyes, like in cartoons? (I say this because years ago I was very attracted to a colleague, and suspected it was reciprocated, despite both of us being happily married, but we never talked about it, and it subsided in its own time, and left us good friends.)

You sound quite scared by your feelings, if you told your DH and your colleague. What is it you’re scared of? That you’re going to make an actual pass at him? That he might reciprocate your attraction?

velourvoyageur · 28/04/2018 10:51

Oh OP my first impression is you come across as very likeable but I think you need to do some damage limitation!

Have you told your DP about the note?
Also, even if you do believe these are the right words to describe how you feel, you've given him an awful lot of power here, so maybe best to say to crush that: a) you don't have feelings for him, it was a poor choice of words, it's more of a silly work crush, and b) it is not 'really frustrating and embarrassing', it's just distracting and uncomfortable for now.
Think you could also consciously give yourself permission not to feel embarrassed for having a crush - nothing embarrassing about it. Compartmentalisation is your friend here.

It does kind of read like you're inviting more attention from him though...and in any case, think about it, if a crush tells you about their bad points, you more often than not see it as sweetly self-deprecating rather than actually taking in what they're saying as truth, and similarly if he's funny about it you'll just come away thinking 'ah he's so funny' rather than remembering the very minor faults he's mentioned (because I'm sure he's loving the attention since he's teasing you instead of going a bit awkward and overly civil, and won't actually want to put you off).

I also would never give a man free reign to embarrass me. It's not so much an ego thing as more that the M/F power differential is already skewed. You don't need anyone at work seeing you being put down by anyone, however they're ranked in relation to you, as these form impressions which stick. You're entirely capable of moving on from this without forcing some sort of resentment towards him via being humiliated or cowed - all you're doing there is replacing one inconvenience with another.

I think you can clear it up by talking openly and honestly with both.
Best to be precise re: what you want crush to do. You've basically given him responsibility for tackling your feelings by asking he artificially create some bad atmosphere between you (which by the way makes it a sort of cosy 'project' or game between both of you, not what's going to create distance). It's also quite vague and covers a range of behaviours, which opens space for bonding between you as the submissive party and him as the one who controls the situation.

There does seem to be one particular thing he can do - stop drawing attention to the crush by teasing you. I'd say: scrap what I said in the note - I have been feeling some attraction to you, but would like it to stop. This would happen quicker if you stopped teasing me and otherwise didn't refer to it. I'll also maintain a professional attitude when we're working together.

Do you think that could work and could wipe the slate? Chin up OP, put the lid on the embarrassment because it serves no use, be confident and relaxed on Monday, and just identify exactly, with no vagueness, what either of you can do to ensure a a good working relationship going forward.

POPholditdown · 28/04/2018 10:56

😬 Oh OP, can you try and pass it off as drunk texting? I cringed a little.

Does your husband know you’ve done that? It’s one thing having a crush, but to confess takes it slightly to a new level.

What if he responds that he is interested?

Mrsramsayscat · 28/04/2018 10:57

What Afterschool said.

AltheaTrell · 28/04/2018 10:58

You told a married man you have a crush on him? Why?! Why would you put that on him? It's not his business or concern. They're your feelings for you to sort out, not to dump on him. You did it for selfish reasons to make yourself feel better, bad move, OP.

LexieLulu · 28/04/2018 10:59

Is your DH happy you're declaring your crush, to your crush?!?

I cringed

NC4Now · 28/04/2018 11:02

And your husband’s ok with this? Mine wouldn’t be.

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