Did I do the right thing to tell my crush openly?

[Iloveworms]

Happily Married with 2DCs and early forties. Over the last 6 months a huge crush has developed on a colleague who I have to regularly work with but don’t sit anywhere near him fortunately. I told DH about it, but it hasn’t really killed it. Crush (married) has noticed my unnecessary attention to him and glances across the room. He is a really funny nice person but has now started to tease me about it. I am now totally embarrassed and decided to take the plunge and tell him openly to get him to put me off. This is what I wrote:

Xxxx, it is really frustrating & embarrassing to have these feelings for you. I know it will disappear at some point..but maybe writing it down like this will kill it more quickly. So please, go ahead and do what you think you should (ignore me, embarrass me, tell me about your bad points :-) so I can go back to how I used to see you, just a nice person and colleague. I’m sorry for being very annoying... Have a nice weekend with your family.

Did I do the right thing? I feel better now as it is out and when I am next at work I know I will be so embarrassed I will avoid him as much as I can. I’m hoping the huge embarrassment will kill it for me. It was getting too much.

Just curious to know your experiences if you’ve ever done this and wanted to get it off my chest. Of course he hasn’t responded which is what I expected and is definitely best.

You need to hope it doesn’t escalate to hr actually.

You need more than a holiday. You need a new job.

Imagine if someone had posted saying they were on the receiving end of this "crush" and asking for advice on what to do? You would have been reported to HR in an instant.

You were testing the waters about that sentence "Have a nice weekend with your family." That's just encouraging a response about his family or in your real ideal world, for him to say he's not happy at home, blah blah blah. If you didn't want him to talk about his family, you'd have just said "Have a nice weekend."

Is this a personal phone? So you have set up a different line of communication as well?

Your efforts to minimize your activities are alarming. You said you look at him a lot but then you later say you don't sit near each other? That's just strange too.

He doesn’t have much to go to them with. He also used a work email to “mock”me. And he told me a while ago that he was once accused of unprofessionalism by another colleague (who we both find somewhat obnoxious). And HR got involved that time. So he’s not perfect. He is generally very light hearted so he’d have to take this really badly. I think he won’t. And if he does and they get rid of me it will cure me of my big mouth hopefully. I’m on a temporary contract anyway.

Even easier for them to get rid of you then.

You seem completely removed from any slight of this being a betrayal to your husband and marriage. Seems like it's all about you and very little else matters.

I have only one number for him and I use it for all our communication, work related texts and this last personal one. I use only one phone and it is my personal one.

No the family comment was because I know he is a family man, I wrote it very late last night and didn’t obsess over fine wording. And knew it would go unanswered.

I look at him a lot WHEN we talk. But we don’t sit near each other. He comes and goes to our department for meetings, sometimes I stop him in the corridor or go to his shared office with a question. He has a broad advisory job so deals with everyone (but he’s not HR)

I wouldn’t advise reporting someone for just declaring romantic feelings. It’s not a crime surely. Awkward yes. Besides they have been really happy with me so far. I don’t see the case here....

It’s a betrayal and I feel bad about but I am trying to end it. I don’t see what else I can do. Everyone sees these things primarily from their personal perspective. My DH doesn’t spend all his day thinking about how to romance me either. Are you all selfless wonders or what. Sorry but you are all far too perfect for me...

"Crush (married) has noticed my unnecessary attention to him and glances across the room." "and he does it with everyone but over the last few months it has developed into something stupid on my side"

That's far from "just having feelings for someone"

"the whole obsession I have had with him for months "
"convinced his wife is absolutely lovely, I even give her names and picture him going home to her."

--
and that's far from a crush, even by your own description. It is an obsession. Stop making excuses and minimising your behaviour. Get some help!

He's probably told his wife by now! I'd honestly be expecting a call from HR Monday.

Selfless wonders because we don’t send inappropriate texts to work colleague about whom we’ve been obsessing, whilst married to someone else?

You and I have very different definitions of what a selfless wonder is.

This has turned into something more hasn’t it. The whole bloody thing is a symptom of me not getting what I need from DH. There’s no simple solution. I’ve tried telling him but it’s his personality. Really sad today.

Ah OP, you're getting a bit of a roasting. Look, what's done is done. Is it the end of the world? No. Did anyone die? No. You'll move on. I'd distance myself from the guy BIG TIME.

It's interesting what you said about your personality type: obsessive and impulsive. We all have our personality types and quirks and I find these get exacerbated during times of stress/depression/sadness. I'm wondering if the crush has spiraled out of control on account of your more impulsive side being triggered by stress over unhappiness and perhaps loneliness at home.
The solution is not this guy or anyone else. You need to channel your thoughts into your marriage and where, realistically, you would like to take it. There's a void in your marriage.

And don't worry about the email. Like I said, what's done is done. It is what it is. Don't be ashamed. Just work at not letting trouble grow legs and carry you off. You need to face your marriage and sort that one out. Good luck.

"Selfless wonder"

Look I bloody hope he has told her!! Why on earth would he keep that a secret? It all helps my cause if he tells her.
Done is done.
Actually I’m getting used to the idea. Bah humbug. No one is dead. I can get a new job. I’m freelance so I have to anyway at some point.
DH isn’t suspicious nor does he have hurt feelings. I won’t be telling him and how on earth would it help except to make him feel bad.
Mr Crush will probably ignore me as requested
I will either finish my contract now or in a few months.
Just need to figure out how to stop my desire for attention from other men recurring. Without getting divorced in the meantime. Especially considering the fact that I’m not a selfless wonder. And might never be one.

Sorry (not sorry) but it comes across as though you know it's inappropriate but you want him to do something about it and start an affair with you. You most likely know this won't happen so will pass it off as sending this message will 'kill' the crush more quickly.

I feel sorry for his wife if she does read the text or is told about it because it definitely looks like you’re fishing for him to start something with you.
It’s really embarrassing and he sounds like a wally too, anyone who has an inkling that someone fancies them just because they make eye contact —even tho you refer to yourself as stalking him— wouldn’t “tease” the person. So either you’re sending out some bigger signals that you’re not admitting to on here and he’s picked up on those or you’ve invented the teasing purely for this thread to justify something to prompt you to text him.
Cringing for you, I’d be glad of the holiday 🤦🏻‍♀️

You need to look for a new job. You are at risk of ruining your own marriage and his. His wife may have read it and now be completely paranoid he is having an affair. Quite frankly your own husband deserves your honesty and you need to work on your marriage or get out

I would imagine that sub consciously you wrote it as bait have hoping he might reciprocate. You are being very silly and need to stop now. I was once in a similar position in my youth and made a fucking laughingstock of myself. Hundreds of people knew about it, well, I was very obvious and young!

Strangely, once I found out he knew I was besotted, my feelings changed and I could barely look at him. Mortification and humiliation cured me bloody quickly. Still, I wasn’t married at the time.

I’m looking for a new job don’t worry.
Realise I’ve been an idiot
Realise I half wanted him to say like me.
Realise I am vulnerable to an affair due to my attention seeking behaviour
Realise my DH deserves better and will be improving my behaviour towards him without telling him about this idiotic manoeuvre and reading up on how to stop wanting validation from other men
Realise Mr Crush is also unprofessional for teasing but that’s his business.
Have embarrassed myself out of trouble on this occasion.
Was hoping his wife saw it and told him to not be an idiot with his lovesick colleague (I had imagined he already told her) but maybe she’s insecure so hope she didn’t see it.
Feel rubbish about myself but don’t want to feel that way.

It’s lonely sometimes when you realise that you need a major personality modification to be happily married.
I think at times I need to be single for a while again and get it out of my system but would break too many hearts (DH, kids, extended family) so I will just try turn it all off and get on with and stop making a total tit of myself
So far fortunately I think no harm done but dent to my self image (=selfish obsessive impulsive attention seeking tendencies recognised, again) a few weeks of embarrassing moments to come at work and the inconvenience of leaving a job I quite liked but had to leave sooner or later.
Wondering if there are any self help books for my personality situation.

You don’t need to change yourself, OP. You’re fine. It was just a blip that will go away quickly. I hope you enjoy your holiday!

My concern op is that when you describe the type of interactions you have with him (all work related), and the kind of responses you give (all work related), how he could have known? Is he so cock side of himself that he can pick up signals someone is interested purely from eye contact, to the point that he takes the piss? Or is that just his personality, that he says these things to all female colleagues and is a flirt? Or perhaps it was personal to you because he does like you?

I think your text might have made him think WTF. And he doesn't sound trustworthy. Im glad that you are freelance and can easily move on if need be.

Don't worry about pps criticism, just see it as a dose of reality. If we're told we've done nothing wrong when we have, then we will never learn. I'm pretty sure you won't do this again now

Thanks but I do. I know deep down I wanted this mans attention. That could only have spelled disaster. I have sabotaged this just in time, but in a crap way. It will work but I shouldn’t have got to this point. Either I get what I need from my DH and stop the attention seeking or learn to distract myself from this need, or we split up and everyone gets hurt.

Eye contact and body language are really powerful. Add to that the professional stalking by email and text and it becomes obvious. He guessed right and tried to mock me into sense. I think he didn’t know what else to do to get me off his back. It worked but I took it too far. In hindsight it should never have got to the stage where he even suspected anything.

It’s over now and the memory of shame should be an inhibitor for next time.

I admire your honesty. I hope you can figure out a way to feel better in your marriage- it's hard going through feeling like the romance and attraction is waning. It does sound like you have a wonderful family and husband, and like you are alive to how precious that is.

Oh gosh. Cringe cringe cringe

Oh worms you are being hard on yourself. Don't know why mn is like this anymore. Well I do.
I logged back in to write this as you resonated with me a little.
I was struck by tne way You ascribe to aspects of your personality or makeup a lot of negativity. In fact , imo, they are just the way they are. Without any inherent type of value. Just the way we're wired, so to speak.
In this case, I think that a period of sadness or worry has framed your thought processes and consequent actions in a completely understandable way and this has all triggered a lot of insight . I think you do actually have a great deal of insight. Not meant to appear patronsing- I think you probably have a better understanding of yourself than a lot of posters on this thread.
What I am trying to say is that you're just dealing with a situation which for you has become untenable.
Think of this as peak sadness. From this point you can see where things need to change .
I think that it might be helpful to get really clear in your mind what you are feeling and what you would like differently. Also look up communication strategies.
I.e. "I want to feel desired by you" is going to be received differently than "you don't make me feel desired by you". I think we forget how to be ourselves sometimes when we've enmeshed ourselves in a family.
This doesn't have to take over your weekend either. To the pp who mentioned compartmentalisaton, yy.
I don't know what your plans are today L.P. but if you have to be with others then give yourself permission to think about this later.
All those aspects of yourself come in useful in many areas. You sound kind and thoughtful. I bet you're good at loads of things.
Find a good therapist if you can, one you can build rapport with.
I'm aware I'm coming over a bit self appointed self help guru here. Indeed, I am very very far from 'perfect ' but I've spent many years in ridiculously complicated relationships and I picked up a bit of communication tips over the years.
You know you need to talk to your DH. But how you do it is so important. Don't impulsively start talking about it in the car or in the cheese aisle. I am always learning how to keep my counsel.
So go and have a good day, try to pay no heed to Work Guy.

If he does reply then ignore. Sorry if I am being all grandmother and sucking eggs.

You are in a good place actually. You can make whatever changed you need to do. You have stepped out of the lethargy that consumes a lot of people. Your actions can now precipitate positive change for you and your family.
Life is short. But it can bring you happiness or contentment. (Or so I've been told!).
.

Take care.

It took nearly an hour to write this so missed your last post.
Fuck shame. Who needs it? Go tell it to go fuck itself and put it all in the past. This present doesn't have to be shameful and difficult. Shame works if it triggers us to think and act differently. Past that point it is a damaging and unhealthy emotion. Only Imo!