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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Being made to choose:- wife v son

272 replies

Scoot67 · 22/04/2018 18:51

Apologies if this the wrong dept or if I don’t know the correct abbreviations, it’s my first post...need some perspective on this please. My wife & I have been married 5 years (my 2nd marriage, her third) I have a son of 24, she has no children. I am 51 she is 44.
Last summer we pooled our resources & bought the “box ticking dream house” in the country...the idyllic relax/escape. All good so I thought.
Approx 7 weeks ago my son’s relationship with his partner broke down (they had been together 3 years & have twin boys 14months)
My son sofa surfed for awhile, but then had no option, but to ask for my/our help. He contacted me approx 1/2hr before I finished work and said I really have to come to your place to stay. Naturally being Dad, I said yes. My wife was not impressed (understatement!) My son was obviously a bit emotionally battered from his relationship breakdown, but has been very respectful/courteous of our space. He has his own transport, has recently started a new well paid job & helps out with his son’s at his ex’s house & occasionally at our house.
My “crime” was that I did not discuss this change in lifestyle with my wife. I genuinely would have done, had I had time too...it happened quickly. Given different circumstances I would have asked for her decision on this move.
My son is adamant he wants to find his own place to rent, just needs to get some cash put aside first.
My wife’s reaction to this “enjoy your lad’s pad...I cannot live with you both here...I’m off !”
She has moved in with a friend, nearly one month now. She is being quite forthright in not coming home until my son moves out !
It’s her birthday today...I offered to take her out for a meal...she refused.
HELP ME OUT HERE PEOPLE !!

OP posts:
MrsSchadenfreude · 23/04/2018 21:01

Given that the “child” is an adult, surely the best way to get him back on his own two feet would be to loan him the money for the deposit on a room in a shared house, rather than let him come “home” and revert to being a stroppy teenager?

My uncle and aunt let their son come “home” when he was 25 and had split up with his girlfriend. Twelve years on, he is still there, with no intention of moving out. They want to leave London and downsize, as they’ve now retired, but any mention of this leads to a massive strop from him about how unfair it is, and where is he going to live. They’ve created a monster, in their words, and short of buying or renting him a flat, don’t see any way out of it.

Mrsmadevans · 23/04/2018 21:15

OP I think the Daily Mail will be picking up on this story very soon so if you don't want the wife to find out then do ask for the thread to be removed. FWIW I think your wife sounds jealous of your DS. You are entitled to have your DS to stay, it is 70% your home FGS. I hope you have a happy ending if you are not a troll , Good Luck!

pinkyredrose · 23/04/2018 21:19

Its 50% his home. 50% hers. In other words its both of thiers.

Faultymain5 · 23/04/2018 21:37

No. got to stop you there pinky in a marriage of less than a decade that house is not 50% his and 50% hers. And any spouse that would claim that is in these circumstances would be low.

But then I've always been honest and fair to a fault.

pinkyredrose · 23/04/2018 21:38

faulty wtf are you on about?

Faultymain5 · 23/04/2018 22:48

Missed this.

A home that someone puts in 70% doesn't become 50% 50% morally on marriage. Especially in less than a decade. Obviously, the OP didn't protect himself legally. but a person who doesn't want to share the home you shared with your ex, should not want any proceeds from that investment either.

To do so, imo is low.

DarkPeakScouter · 23/04/2018 23:03

Alas, the law doesn’t look to morals in these situations. Plus we don’t know what other contributions the wife made.

Graphista · 23/04/2018 23:15

No but courts will take length of marriage and contributions into account.

DarkPeakScouter · 23/04/2018 23:16

Exactly Graphista, we don’t know what she brought to marriage or contributed.

sockunicorn · 23/04/2018 23:29

@scoot67 if this was reversed and a stepdad said "me or your son" i cant help but feel there would be an outcry of anger. You 100% did the right thing by your boy. Also, yes its her house too and she should have a right to an opinion, but other than helping your son I dont see what other opinion there is! Unfortunately sometimes quick decisions need to be made. And by the sounds of it your son isnt being a hassle. She inherited him when you married her. Sounds like you're well rid - I would be asking her to come get her stuff. Flowers

lovemenot · 24/04/2018 00:09

How come your son didn’t ask if he could come and stay at yours and your wife’s house? Instead he told you he needed to come and stay.

This was half an hour before you finished work, plenty of time to call your wife. What was so urgent that he needed to come and stay “right now”? Why couldn’t he have couch surfed for one more night?

Was it because you and he both do what you want when you want so what she thought about it really didn’t matter? There was no point in letting her know because her opinion wasn’t important one way or the other.

You may dress it up with whatever version of kindness and consideration you wish, but the bottom line is you are a misogynist. Probably following much closer in the footsteps of your Victorian father than you know.

I suspect your wife left, not only because of your son, but because she has no voice in her own home, life and marriage. And that, is because of you.

MistressDeeCee · 24/04/2018 02:15

Yes you should have told her but fucking hell..if OH reacted like that if one of my DCs had to stay for a bit after a relationship breakdown then, he wouldn't be the man for me. I don't like people who are so "Absolute".

& there's such a thing as compassion and recognising that even when your kids grow up, there can be times they need you, and to be near you.

She's really punishing you for your mistake, isn't she?

When she's on marriage no.4 she'd best marry a man who's an only and also didn't have any kids of his own. That way it can always and forever only be about her.

GameChanger01 · 24/04/2018 05:48

Typical mumsnet thread jumping on the woman because she is career successful but has no children (bare in mind no one knows why maybe she is in fertile)... she doesn’t understand how family works, no empathy, selfish. All this deduced from a one sided story.

Remember if op ends marriage and moved onto someone else as has been suggested it will be his 3rd relationship/marriage then.

Faultymain5 · 24/04/2018 06:14

Gamechanger1
Firstly, comments quite evenly spread, so maybe read the whole thread.
Secondly, you can say that every problem thread is one sided. That's the nature of a forum.

Your best bet is, if you are actually interested, ask questions to fill in any gaps. That's what others on the thread did and drew their conclusions from there - on both sides of the argument.

I think we have to remember that we as individuals do bring our own baggage though and sometimes see ourselves in a situation (that we may have already lived).

I've noticed on MN stepmums are evil with no say in the stepchildren's lives. Teachers are never wrong, never lie. Children are always lying. Only women put their children before their new partners. Men throw away their children at the insistence of evil stepmum. Every child must always be invited to parties. Everyone is 'entitled' to inheritance and have no shame about arguing what in my culture is called 'deadleft'. Oh and cheeky fckers will always be cheeky fckers.

FusionChefGeoff · 24/04/2018 06:17

Massive overreaction. Of course your first loyalty should be to your son.

BedtimeTea · 24/04/2018 06:48

If I were you, I would help my ds pay for rent for a new place. Unless you cannot afford to do so.

YimminiYoudar · 24/04/2018 06:54

You are all being a mixture of reasonable and unreasonable.

You are reasonable to place the highest priority on your son being safe and having somewhere to live.

You were absolutely unreasonable to agree to your son coming to live with you without talking to your wife. This did not need to be a snap decision. Your claim that there was no time to discuss is ridiculous. You could have been clear right from the start that of course he could come for one night as it is an emergency but anything beyond that would need discussion with your wife before deciding. The fact that this didn't occur to you means that your relationship was never up to much and best call it quits.

Your DS was reasonable to turn to his dad in an emergency but is being very unreasonable staying on given the upheaval it has caused. The moment your DW moved out he should have been hunting for any alternative and cleared out within a week. Being able to live rent free in order to save is not a "right".

Your DW was being perfectly reasonable to move out when she saw how little respect you and your DS have for her. There have been several threads here where the OP says something like "DH has just informed me without consultation that his DM will be coming to stay for 3 months. WIBU to move out?" and everyone agrees that this is a quite reasonable path. Your situation is basically the same. She deserves respect and is quite right to remove herself from situations where she isn't getting it. I can't tell how unreasonable she is being in not engaging with you to resolve and de-escalate this conflict. We only have your side of things. Clearly you perceive her as quite a volatile and demanding person too.

All in all it does look like it's curtains for this relationship.

TinyPawz · 24/04/2018 07:07

If OP had talked to wife first and she had said no then what would have happened? IMO children come first, always

Brush122 · 24/04/2018 07:27

Scoot67, this is exactly the sort of behaviour my father let his new partner get away with when my brother was in the same situation. My father put my brother out rather than stand up to his partner - my father is now NC with both my brother and I due to this woman. She got what she wanted all along - my fathers total alienation from all his family.

Don't let it happen to you.

pinkyredrose · 24/04/2018 08:29

IMO children come first always actually i don't believe adults children (especially if they're parents!) should always come first. The best thing this father can do is to teach his son to stand on his own two feet, not collude with him about 'bloody women'.

Interesting how the son had to move in immediately. What happened to the place he was staying? Maybe he took the piss there or made his mates girlfriend uncomfortable. The OPs wife feels unsafe around him, have you missed that part?

pinkyredrose · 24/04/2018 08:30

adult children, not adults.

GameChanger01 · 24/04/2018 08:50

Faulty I read the thread please don’t patronise me

Walkaboutwendy · 24/04/2018 09:14

TinyPawz

If OP had talked to wife first and she had said no then what would have happened? IMO children come first, always

I don't get this logic at all. So because you suspect you won't get the answer you want you don't even ask the question. Seems very much like a 'fuck you I'm gonna do what I want' attitude.

Of course all reasonable parents will help their adult children out in times of need but that doesn't mean grinding your spouse or partner into the ground to do it. If you are married then you chose to love, honour and respect that person which includes hearing their voice too.

Personally I don't think it makes you a great parent to your adult child to walk all over your spouse. You are demonstrating that a partner isn't equal in a relationship and you just do what you want. You are setting them up for failure in later life. Which actually is borne out by this situation given that the son is displaying the same attitude as his dad.

Help comes in all forms for adult children it doesn't have to be just giving your spouse a good kicking to demonstrate what an amazing parent you are.

Walkaboutwendy · 24/04/2018 09:24

Also I suspect deep down the son wanted to push the wife out given his complete lack of concern over his dad's marriage falling apart.

I would have been horrified to do this to my step mum. I would never have turned it into a 'who do you love more' competition like a lot of posters on this thread seem to want to do. That's just manipulative and childish.

At 24 you are an adult, you don't get to regress to a child because you are having a bad patch, especially when you've got kids yourself! How is that teaching your kids resilience to cope with the ups and downs of life?

Fwiw I'm in the process of trying to pursuade my DSD to move in with us for a while so she can relocate to a new area closer to her friends. She is 24 as well. I've just read this thread to her and she was horrified that the son hasn't shown any concern at all. I think she used the phrase spoilt manchild. So that's a peer view for you!!

Oliversmumsarmy · 24/04/2018 09:30

Can you not read? The Ops wife is suffering from depression

Actually op says she takes SSRIs. Whilst they can treat depression they are also prescribed to people suffering from OCD and Anxiety.

Friend takes them because it helps her OCD she has never been diagnosed with depression.