Being made to choose:- wife v son

[Scoot67]

Apologies if this the wrong dept or if I don’t know the correct abbreviations, it’s my first post...need some perspective on this please. My wife & I have been married 5 years (my 2nd marriage, her third) I have a son of 24, she has no children. I am 51 she is 44.
Last summer we pooled our resources & bought the “box ticking dream house” in the country...the idyllic relax/escape. All good so I thought.
Approx 7 weeks ago my son’s relationship with his partner broke down (they had been together 3 years & have twin boys 14months)
My son sofa surfed for awhile, but then had no option, but to ask for my/our help. He contacted me approx 1/2hr before I finished work and said I really have to come to your place to stay. Naturally being Dad, I said yes. My wife was not impressed (understatement!) My son was obviously a bit emotionally battered from his relationship breakdown, but has been very respectful/courteous of our space. He has his own transport, has recently started a new well paid job & helps out with his son’s at his ex’s house & occasionally at our house.
My “crime” was that I did not discuss this change in lifestyle with my wife. I genuinely would have done, had I had time too...it happened quickly. Given different circumstances I would have asked for her decision on this move.
My son is adamant he wants to find his own place to rent, just needs to get some cash put aside first.
My wife’s reaction to this “enjoy your lad’s pad...I cannot live with you both here...I’m off !”
She has moved in with a friend, nearly one month now. She is being quite forthright in not coming home until my son moves out !
It’s her birthday today...I offered to take her out for a meal...she refused.
HELP ME OUT HERE PEOPLE !!

[Scoot67]

Her initial reaction was shock that I hadn’t taken the time to discuss it with her...I genuinely didn’t have time too & apologised for not being able too & I realised that was an error.
I generally do all household chores :- laundry, weekly shop, cleaning etc (i’m Very house proud & my dad was typical Victorian dad, so i’m Conscious of not being him !!)
The initial period of my son moving in was fine, we even all sat together & had meals in the evening...I genuinely don’t know what the catalyst to make her move out was.
It was good Friday...she visited her friend up north, came home, grabbed a few bits & then went to a local friends house...

[Aminuts23]

It sounds to me like your wife is being selfish and ridiculous. How can she expect you to turn your son away when he needs your support. He sounds responsible and respectful. I get that she might be a bit annoyed that she wasn’t asked but she’s hugely overreacting. I’d be questioning any relationship where a partner can’t support your child.

[KateGrey]

I can understand a little that it would be annoying having an adult child land on you with no warning. Does she have any children? But unless you are both lazy and treat her like cleaner/cooker etc she should be a little forgiving. For some of us it’s not easy to just find a deposit.

To be honest she sounds nuts. The fact that she wouldn’t have a birthday meal out with you so you could at least talk sounds unusual.

[Adayindisney67]

Yeah my partner can't cook either pal.. don't worry, you can learn he is trying. But he does all the washing and for that I am grateful, because I hate it.
With what you have said, she is being very self centred. But your son needs an end game. He needs a goal to move out and you must make that clear!
I too would question her marriages.

[tootiredtospeak]

Stop apologising any parent would help out their child. She is being really precious and childish. Tell her to stay where she is until she grows up a bit. Once she loses the upperhand her attitude might change. ( disclaimer if all youve said is true about housework and your son).

[IntoTheFloodAgain]

OP the last part of your latest update suggests there are more problems than your son. Maybe she has used your son as an excuse to leave?

Maybe this marriage has also run it’s course, if you can’t see the problems she can see.

Either way, support your son who is getting back on his feet.

[IntoTheFloodAgain]

OP we keep cross posting..

Going by your latest update, it very much sounds like she has wanted to leave and this was the perfect excuse.

[FaFoutis]

It sounds like there might be more going on for your wife to me too.

[Sandsnake]

She doesn’t sound particularly nice. She also sounds very much like a fairweather partner - happy when everything is easy and how she wants it (the dream country cottage) but not when the boat is rocked even slightly. Knowing this, ask yourself honestly how you think she would act if the going was to get properly tough. If, for example, you became ill or somehow incapacitated in the future whether she would be someone who would stay around to help to look after you. Then ask yourself if this is the sort of partner that you need.

[corcaithecat]

I think you were wrong not to discuss the longer term implications and you've had plenty of time to do this, so you're just making crap excuses.
My step son moved back with us for about 6 months and it was awful at the time but eventually, he sorted himself out and found a 1 bed flat to rent. He's actually a lovely person but a long term houseguest is always going to be tricky.
Your DS needs to find his own place pretty sharpish unless you prefer living there with him and without your wife?

[TinyPawz]

She sounds a little unhinged to be honest. That is a common Pete overreaction to what I presume most parents go through eventually. If you pander to her, this is will be the benchmark for the rest of your relationship. I think in those circumstances I'd cut my loses.

[Scoot67]

Clarification:- As people ask for “back story”. I had owned my previous home with ex-wife. Current wife moved in (with me & son) I was mortgage free. Wife always said she wasn’t comfortable living with ex-wife’s “ghost” hanging around. So, being courteous, I agreed to sell & move to a place we had both chosen...fresh start etc. My son had set-up home (rented) elsewhere by this time.
My mother in law has severe MS & I bought a disabled accessible vehicle to enable her days out.
I have always embraced her family unit.
I only have me, my son, recent grandchildren.
My wife is very career driven but at the same time an “over thinker” & a tendency towards “emotional drama”
She can present meetings to CEO’s but then crumble at home & is on prescription SSRis.....
I feel there is a real dichotomy here...someone who is training to be a counsellor can’t find some “kindness” in this situation ?
I also find it odd her friend she is staying with, hasn’t said “maybe you should go see your husband?”

[naebotherpal]

She is massively overreacting. If this was a joint dc, would it need to be discussed? Doubt it.

Stick by your son. He’s just started the job, so it will take a few months to get sorted with all he needs to set up a new home for him and his boys, and he should absolutely be able to rely on his family to help him achieve that.

[Cricrichan]

Your son, definitely pick your son.

[fc301]

Your son was sofa-surfing for a few weeks after his break up. Did you and your wife never discuss supporting/inviting him during this period? I note that he only asked you when he was desperate.

Your wife has, to all intents and purposes, left you. In the last 4 weeks have you and your son not discussed why this might be? And how best to resolve?

Is it possible that in your determination to not be your Victorian Dad you are becoming a doormat?

[Scoot67]

At that moment in time, I didn’t have time to discuss it & have Apologised profusely for not doing so, I realised it wasn’t fair, but I felt I didn’t have an option...and figured she’d be ok with it, as it wasn’t expected to permanent.
I’ve seen my son actively looking for a place to rent. He needs to get some cash together for the usual deposit/credit check etc...YES I could step in & pay the deposit, but what sort of example of respect your £’s will that set ?
Do I prefer living with him rather my wife ? We are both quite placid, we do our own “thing”, go out to work & pass briefly in the evening.
It’s a different relationship that I cannot compare with a married relationship. Preferable...that’s subjective.

[fc301]

Apologies for being blunt but you haven't answered either of my questions.

Did you not discuss your son with your wife during the time he was staying with friends?

Have you not discussed your wife with your son since she left??

[Scoot67]

I wasn’t aware he was sofa surfing prior to him asking for help...he was too embarrassed/proud to tell us.
How to resolve it ? I have offered the olive branch & assistance on many occasions over the period...she’s not prepared to compromise.
Is my son aware of the impact ? Yes, but he’s 24 with two kids...they are his priority, not an overdramatic step mum !!
Being a doormat...or just being a kind/caring/helpful man...whom is having the p#ss taken out of him ?

[TwitterQueen1]

Ditch the wife. She sounds awful. A son is a son forever - even when he's grown up and has DCs of his own. And he needed a hand - as we all do from time to time. Your wife - even though she has no children of her own - should understand the parent/child relationship is unbreakable.

[fc301]

I'm sure you are kind and caring. I imagine your wife is not an angel. It's telling that your son is aware of her reason for leaving and is not mortified. I imagine his view of her is less rose tinted than yours.
I'm very sorry that your marriage is in this state but I would plead that you don't allow that to destroy your relationship with your son, not that you are.

[NomsQualityStreets]

Just to clarify op how long has yours son been under your roof now?

[Godowneasy]

Given your latest update in particular, I would be very angry if I were you, at your wife's attitude towards your son coming to stay while he gets back on his feet.

I can't imagine not letting my own daughter come to stay if need be, and would expect any partner to support that, even if they weren't particularly happy about it. (The only exception would be if they were violent).

For me, your situation would be a dealbreaker, and I would end the relationship after the way your wife has over reacted. I would be unable to forgive her lack of understanding and empathy. Then I'd tell my child they can stay as long as they want to, and start enjoying seeing those twins very often

[Scoot67]

6-7 weeks....

[reallyanotherone]

He has a well paid job and two kids. Why on earth hasn't he got his own place yet?

Possibly because when a marriage breaks down you leave with nothing. No house to sell, no return on your deposit. Add to that if he is responsibly providing for his kids by paying a good chunk of maintenance his ability to save for a deposit, plates, spoons, pots and pans, furniture from scratch etc may be severely compromised.

Can you imagine having the money to completely start again?

If this were a woman saying her male partner said he was leaving if her adult kids moved in after a marriage breakdown the responses would unanimously be LTB.

If dh’s kids needed somewhere to stay temporarily he wouldn’t need to ask. In fact the stepdc know they can turn up any time they need to. I would expect my kids to be able to do the same once grown. None of my family need an invitation or permission to come and stay. Even more so if they were effectively homeless...

[Caselgarcia]

I think I would be thinking about the future relationship between your wife and son. What does your son think of her behaviour? Would your marriage be able to get back on track? She seems very self absorbed and not very supportive regarding his situation.