Being made to choose:- wife v son

[Scoot67]

Apologies if this the wrong dept or if I don’t know the correct abbreviations, it’s my first post...need some perspective on this please. My wife & I have been married 5 years (my 2nd marriage, her third) I have a son of 24, she has no children. I am 51 she is 44.
Last summer we pooled our resources & bought the “box ticking dream house” in the country...the idyllic relax/escape. All good so I thought.
Approx 7 weeks ago my son’s relationship with his partner broke down (they had been together 3 years & have twin boys 14months)
My son sofa surfed for awhile, but then had no option, but to ask for my/our help. He contacted me approx 1/2hr before I finished work and said I really have to come to your place to stay. Naturally being Dad, I said yes. My wife was not impressed (understatement!) My son was obviously a bit emotionally battered from his relationship breakdown, but has been very respectful/courteous of our space. He has his own transport, has recently started a new well paid job & helps out with his son’s at his ex’s house & occasionally at our house.
My “crime” was that I did not discuss this change in lifestyle with my wife. I genuinely would have done, had I had time too...it happened quickly. Given different circumstances I would have asked for her decision on this move.
My son is adamant he wants to find his own place to rent, just needs to get some cash put aside first.
My wife’s reaction to this “enjoy your lad’s pad...I cannot live with you both here...I’m off !”
She has moved in with a friend, nearly one month now. She is being quite forthright in not coming home until my son moves out !
It’s her birthday today...I offered to take her out for a meal...she refused.
HELP ME OUT HERE PEOPLE !!

She sounds like a drama queen, a selfish one at that.
I wouldn't ever expect to have to ask anyone if my son could stay. In the situation your son is in he needs practical and emotional support.
In her situation I would be a bit 'ffs I wished you had told me' but I wouldn't question whether he could stay or how long he would be staying. If he was respecting me and the home , sounds like he is in the grand scheme of things , then you get on with it. Making someone feel unwelcome and expecting your dp to choose between you and their son is wrong IMO.
Your children are always your children, you don't stop caring and wanting to help the minute they become adults/parents. If you get involved with someone with children the that's what youre taking on, the fact she doesn't have children may make this a little trickier to understand.
Personally I would continue to support my son (while he is putting the effort in to rebuild his life) and I would be considering my marriage and whether I wanted it to continue.

I am 36 and living with my parents. I have 2 kids and we are all in a 3 bed semi.

I left my marriage and my parents took me in. I didnt have a firm grand plan. It was sell the marital home and then buy my own. 6 months later, the house sale is about to go through and i have just put an offer in on a house.

When i talked to my mum about moving in she didnt even ask my dad. I am their child and needed help. My half brother went through something similar, and my mum didnt even blink at him staying, either. And he isnt her son and a lot older than me.

Its not easy, we bicker and dont agree on stuff. But my parents will always be there for us. Wether we are talking their biological children or not.

When a marriage breaks down, an exact timeline isnt always possible.

I would be damned if any partner of mine stopped me supporting my child. I have been seeing a guy a few weeks, my son was with his dad and was a hit upset abiut the divorce and wanted to see me. Me and the guy i am seeing were on a day out 2 hours away. He didnt even blink. He, straight away, said he would drive me back, drop me off (he obviously hasnt met the kids) and waited down the street until my son was ok. Then we continued our date.

My kids come first. Thats it. Even the oldest who is almost an adult.

@Scoot67 I've just read that your wife is living with a woman who runs a nursery from home. If you mean she minds children there then ofsted need to be informed and your wife will need a dbs check etc. It is essential that ofsted are informed of any changes to the adults in the house. Not that this is your concern but for someone who is so obviously anti children it's ridiculous she's gone to live there!

I think if my marriage had gone down the pan I'd be a bit hot headed too, I can't believe that some posters are using that to justify the OP's cunt of a wife moving out.

If I was the OP I'd be telling her to look for her fourth husband.

I think if my marriage had gone down the pan I'd be a bit hot headed too

The sons marriage failed BECASUE he was a 'hot-head'.

Son appears to be volatile/aggressive, has two kids and has only just worked out he needs to provide regularly for them. Father is giving excuse after excuse and prioritising his hot head of an adult son who clearly hasn't grown up yet. No curtesy or respect shown to his wife.

Your son needs to grow up fast and stand on his own two feet. He's a father himself. Give him money to get his own place. Call it a loan if he's too proud. Although ime when someone says they're 'too proud' to accept money to move on what they really mean is they've got a cushy number and have no plans to leave soon.

And yes I'd always give my adult kids a home, but not without discussing with everyone involved like adults. And neither are aggressive layabouts.

So he was too proud to accept a deposit from you so he could live on his own, but not too proud to doss rent free at your and your wife's house, which she paid a significant proportion for, knowing she didn't want him there and won't live there while he stays - in the house she pays for and he doesn't. Riiiiiight, "proud".

Why was he leaving his washing on a washing pile? For her (or you) to do as part of the household washing. He should be leaving it in his room until he has a load and then doing his own fucking washing.

A 24yo man with a temper who your wife is scared to live with is not an appropriate house guest for weeks on end. You clearly couldn't gie a shit about your wife. Buy her out the house or sell it or whatever.

I can see where he gets his "Bloody women" attitude from. Good luck with that.

Where does it say the sons marriage failed because he was a hot head. I thought it was because of money issues and irregular working periods.
I think the slamming a few doors was in the ops house.
Hardly surprising not something that wouldn't be expected.

I am thinking that the world has gone mad if someone who thinks that a parent would even have to ask to help out one of their DC is qualifying to be a counsellor.

Son appears to be volatile/aggressive, has two kids and has only just worked out he needs to provide regularly for them. Father is giving excuse after excuse and prioritising his hot head of an adult son who clearly hasn't grown up yet. No curtesy or respect shown to his wife.

No it didn't, stop pulling things out of your arse to suit your agenda.

Bloody hell, this isn't Jackanory. Stop making things up.

*he is aware of the dire situation, but my wife is displaying similar traits to his ex, so as a 24 year old, he just thinks “bloody women”.....
He won’t see the enormity of the situation.
*

So your son doesn't care he is breaking up your marriage..maybe he feels its appropriate as his is ending and why should yours work..
If you had ANY respect and love for your wife and if you wanted your son to be a men who takes responsibility for his own life you would have given him a loan for a deposit and rent and insisted he stands on his own two feet.

I have a DS and SD and I would always agree to help them out but I would not accept not being consulted on who and for how long moves into my house, nor would I expect my DH to accept that. I would not accept aggressiveness, door slaming and lack of respect.

There is an underlying feeling of misogyny to the OP's story that I can't put my finger on.

Everything designed to paint her as unstable. The way you talk about her and your ex wife in derogatory terms, then glibly go on to talk about dating and listing your domestic prowess as if that's all women want in a relationship bit patronising there OP.

Your son is too proud to take money from you but is happy to sponge off you and your wife. Doesn't really add up.

You don't want to set him a bad example by lending him money but you don't insist he have a conversation with his step mum about moving in and timeframes out of respect for her.

I also call BS on the fact that there wasn't time to discuss it. It would have taken a hour at the most.

Don't get me wrong I will always support my children and my husband's kids as a step mum. We would never see them on the streets. But I do expect to be included in the discussion which you flat out didn't do and could easily have done. At least be honest with yourself on that point.

If the relationship is dead then it's dead. Its as simple as that. But don't paint yourself as a martyr on the alter of parenting.

You wife sounds manipulative and horrible.

Leave her and don’t look back

Is my son aware of the impact ? Yes,but he’s 24 with two kids...they are his priority, not an overdramatic step mum

He knows the situation is fucking up your marriage but doesn't care. and the two of you have already decided she's overdramatic about having her home invaded without consultation.

if anyone needs a fairly fit, bald man [...] .....Give me a shout !!

So instead of working on your marriage you're joking around how you'll just go out and find some other mug to put up with you.

Where is his mother ? She is an absolute car crash

Uhuh. You and your son are saints and all the women in your lives are horrible....

He is aware of the situation he has “created”, but

he doesn't give a fuck about her anyway so eh...

His “stubborn” step-mum isn’t around...so what ?

You and him are saints and the women in your lives get nothing but derogatory terms.

When we lived together previously he was very “free spirited” Went to festivals, smoked a bit of weed, was in a punk band, his room was a tip...but he was 20

So she already has experience of him disrespecting her living space and his father making excuses for him. We all know what "free spirited" means, it means an arsehole with no regard for others.

she professed she didn’t feel “safe” around him

And goodness forbid you take her feelings seriously, she's just a stubborn, overdramatic stepmum who doesn't matter.

so they can hang out & drink gin whilst her husband is away !!

Oh jesus, call the police, two women doing what they want with no men around!

She won’t meet until Thursday as she has arranged for us to go to a mediator together.

Oh what horror! Your stubborn overdramatic stepmum wife is doing the sensible thing! That can't be good surely, why won't she let you browbeat her without an independent third party there???

he is aware of the dire situation, but my wife is displaying similar traits to his ex, so as a 24 year old, he just thinks “bloody women”.....

You and your son are saints, and all the women in your lives are overdramatic, car crash, stubborn "bloody women" eh....

he “was” hot headed about his relationship breakdown, a bit of door slamming, frustrations at lack of communication with his ex...just temper tantrums.

He's an adult, but he's tantrumming like a toddler and making your wife feel unsafe. It's amazing how reasonable you and your son are and what a stubborn and overdramatic bloody woman your wife is eh.

Yes, perhaps it was the straw that broke the camels back...but there has to be an element of adapting in relationships.

At least by the stubborn, overdramatic wife. Not of course by the saintly husband and the even more saintly son who suffer so from the bloody women in their lives.

What Idontdowindows has said. Exactly that. Counselling/mediation will be a good step for you.

idontdowindows I think that's a very insightful take on this situation, and personally I think it's probably pretty close to where the wives in this are likely to be coming from.

@Idontdowindows - Bravo! You’ve hit the nail on the head.
I’m afraid I think there’s a whole other side to this story -
Whatever the rights and wrongs of the initial actions OP your subsequent post have left me feeling more uncomfortable with your attitude. Unfortunately, however hard you’re trying to prove you’re not like your Victorian DF by proclaiming your domestic prowess ( we do all that every fucking day and don’t crow about it) the way you are speaking about women shows that you are very much of the same mind as him.

Idontdowindows very good post

Total over reaction from your wife, a son is a son at any age and any decent parent would help their kid out.
Just tell her to stay put if life with you is so miserable where you are 'emotionally abusive' why would she want to return after your son gets his own place?

If nothing else, stop and think about two totally unrelated women of different generations and past life experiences demonstrating the ‘same traits’ after marrying two men as closely related as father and son...what are the chances? Oh yes, all women are totally alike and behave in just the same way regardless of their individual circumstances.

I’m also wondering, after reading the door slamming and temper tantrum comment, just why DS needed a bed so very urgently that there wasn’t time to have a conversation about him moving in? I would absolutely give adult DCs a home again and have done more than once. DCs are mine and DH’s, but it’s courtesy isn’t it, unless a DV situation or something totally catastrophic.

I think you have to wait for the mediation and turn up with 100% sensible and listening head on because it does seem rather a one sided story so far.

idontdowindows I must admit, I was picking up on those things as well.
For a seemingly solid relationship to break down because of irregular shifts at what was later revealed to be a minimum wage job suggests that maybe the son has been coasting along doing "a spot of work now and again" and his wife got sick of it. He now has a proper job but ONLY after she threw him out.
He spends all his time in his room "silent as a mouse, dad, honest", but has also had episodes of door slamming because of "tantrums".
Hes too proud to ask to borrow a rental deposit, but not too proud to live in your house for months, until some unspecified future date when hes saved "enough" money.
Youre having to do more food shopping, but no-one in the house is apparently cooking any of it.

I'll play devil's advocate. You might be able to use this for reflection before you go to mediation.

Your son was sofa surfing for 7 weeks, yet with no notice he suddenly has to immediately come and stay with you. I mean, really? He could have spent one night at a hotel while you and your wife discussed the issue but no, you just moved him into your joint home with no warning. You didn't care what she thought, it was all about you and your son, her feelings didn't even come into it.

You didn't give your wife any notice, not even a quick text. Complete lack of respect. It is her home too.

He has moved in and there appears to be no exit strategy for him. Why did you not give him money to set himself up in his own place straight away? Agree with your wife a suitable timeline for him to stay then move out? I've seen plenty of these situations where someone moves in for a few weeks and are there well over a year later!

Your wife says she does not feel safe around him. You dismiss her concerns as irrelevant. Once again, complete lack of care and respect for her feelings.

You say your son is nice but he apparently has tantrums round the house and dismisses his stepmum as 'bloody women' rather than try and understand her feelings in her own home. That is not respectful or nice behaviour.

Scoot

I think you know that your marriage has run it's course. I think your son moving in, was the ideal time for her to make her move to leave.

I see that your every word is being scrutinized, of course, there are always two sides to a story, we only get to hear yours. We don't know her side of it, she will have her opinions about the situation.

Look I know first hand what a marriage breakdown feels like. 4 weeks is not a long time, if I can say from experience, 4 weeks after my stbx moved out, if he asked me if we wanted to sit and discuss things, I wouldn't want to either. It was too soon for me and I just had too much flying around in my head. Even 6 months was pushing it to be honest.

I don't know how you will come back from this, if you even can. But, I like you, would always put my child first, so I do not think you have done any wrong here. Your son is 24, hardly wise to the world and also going through a lot. He needs his dad. And you are there for him, like a dad should be. I am not sure what exactly about that your wife doesn't get. (does she have any dc?), as you were a dad when you got married, and you are still a dad. That doesn't change. God knows, if I could have moved in with anyone when I was going through the worst times, I would have done it in a flash.

Life is shit sometimes Scoot. If she doesn't want to talk to you, then just leave her be. Maybe she needs head space right now to work through what ever she needs to. Maybe one day you will know the full story, as it seems there is a chunk that you don't.

Wish you all the best.

Yes to all the above. The Ops first post made me go but the subsequent ones, depicting he and his son as desperately misunderstood gents, just don't ring true. Mediation seems a good step forward and I hope it works out for you Op. Out of interest, how are your son's saving efforts going? Any date in sight for his departure or has he settled back into family life as a 'free spirited' son?

Although you couldn't have consulted your wife at such short notice, when your son asked to stay over, I hope you acknowledg4 that you should have sat down with your wife the next day and discussed the best way forward?

You say that your son behaves himself, but then you say your wife said she professed she didn’t feel “safe” around him. This is pretty serious and you need to respect her fear. Even if you think it's irrational. If she feels this way, then I'm not surprised she left.

Mediation does sound like a good idea. As does moving your son out somewhere else. Even if he is just the trigger and not the problem (which I doubt).

Is your wife scared of your son? Has she maybe been affected by domestic violence in the past? I am scared of DPs adult son and have no wish to ever be alone with him. He is volatile and acts in an intimidating manner or often threatens violence to others when he speaks. He is under control when DP is around (also DP could manhandle him if necessary), but I would not be able to manage. If he ever moved in, I would have to move out