Being made to choose:- wife v son

[Scoot67]

Apologies if this the wrong dept or if I don’t know the correct abbreviations, it’s my first post...need some perspective on this please. My wife & I have been married 5 years (my 2nd marriage, her third) I have a son of 24, she has no children. I am 51 she is 44.
Last summer we pooled our resources & bought the “box ticking dream house” in the country...the idyllic relax/escape. All good so I thought.
Approx 7 weeks ago my son’s relationship with his partner broke down (they had been together 3 years & have twin boys 14months)
My son sofa surfed for awhile, but then had no option, but to ask for my/our help. He contacted me approx 1/2hr before I finished work and said I really have to come to your place to stay. Naturally being Dad, I said yes. My wife was not impressed (understatement!) My son was obviously a bit emotionally battered from his relationship breakdown, but has been very respectful/courteous of our space. He has his own transport, has recently started a new well paid job & helps out with his son’s at his ex’s house & occasionally at our house.
My “crime” was that I did not discuss this change in lifestyle with my wife. I genuinely would have done, had I had time too...it happened quickly. Given different circumstances I would have asked for her decision on this move.
My son is adamant he wants to find his own place to rent, just needs to get some cash put aside first.
My wife’s reaction to this “enjoy your lad’s pad...I cannot live with you both here...I’m off !”
She has moved in with a friend, nearly one month now. She is being quite forthright in not coming home until my son moves out !
It’s her birthday today...I offered to take her out for a meal...she refused.
HELP ME OUT HERE PEOPLE !!

So for all of those saying OP should have consulted his wife... would YOU have consulted your DP/DH in similar circumstances?

And what would happen if they / she said “no?” Wouldn’t you put your child first (as every single poster states they would/should ad nauseum on MN whenever the question comes up)?

Yes he could and should have called her and given her some warning, out of courtesy, but I don’t think it would or should have changed the lad staying with them.

OP’s wife sounds pretty demanding. Insisting he sell the FMH and re-mortgage (getting what sounds like a pretty cushy asset for minimal financial input). She’s apparently done well in her career but it’s OP that has been prudent and saved. It’s OP that’s helped her Mother out.

Yeah, it’s all from one POV - but that’s always the case on a forum like this. Difference is that most female OPs don’t have the “holes” picked at quite so much as this, nor have their history rewritten for them quite so aggressively.

Changedname3456

Yes

I would have listened to their concerns and made a decision from there. I wouldn't have not asked the question for fear of their response!

Respecting the spouse as an equal partner in their own home could have changed entirely how the whole thing was handled had they had the conversation.

The OP made it into a wife vs son situation when it didn't need to be.

would YOU have consulted your DP/DH in similar circumstances?

Yes, and I did. As did he when it was one of his. That's the normal thing to do.

have their history rewritten for them quite so aggressively.

He wrote his own history. All of his remarks about his wife are right there in his own words. As is his admission that his son was a terror to live with ("free spirited" my arse) and that he ignores the fact that his wife is highly uncomfortable with his son.

“Yes, and I did. As did he when it was one of his. That's the normal thing to do.”

And that would have stopped you housing your DC?

”He wrote his own history”

There are a number of posts within this thread which “extrapolate” an awful lot from what the OP’s written.

And that would have stopped you housing your DC?

Being an adult and discussing life changing situations with each other before committing is the adult thing to do. And if my husband had had valid reasons, or if I had had valid reasons, like the OP's wife does, then we would indeed either have said no, or come to a very firm understanding with the adult child.

OP did none of that. He completely disregarded his wife and didn't include her in any discussion. He just thought he could do what he wanted and never mind what she wanted.

You are forgetting that the OP's son has form for disrupting their home life. That should have been reason enough for OP to say "son, I'm going to go home and discuss this with my wife first".

No matter what the outcome would have been, that is where he went wrong straightaway.

Disrupting her home life? In their previous home, she moved in to the place he and his father had already been living in prior to the father's divorce and meeting his current wife.

Ah yes, sorry, it's too much to expect that if you get into a relationship with someone that you're not treated like the overdramatic lodger with no rights to enjoyment of a normal home life, my bad.

@idontdowindows

Totally agree with all of your points. The OP hasn’t one word of compassion or understanding for his wife. I think he’s lost her and his son has abandoned two toddlers to sit around having take aways and moan with his Dad about how awful the women in his life are. I think they should both go to couple counselling.

He knows the situation is fucking up your marriage but doesn't care. and the two of you have already decided she's overdramatic about having her home invaded without consultation.

My husband has a son 25 and I have one 24. Rule in our house is we help them regardless. now the other may not like the disruption to our lives and may not like the son living with us BUT suck it up ,its happening and that it. They are our children and will be till the day we die Moving out is like she is spitting her dummy out. We also say never make us choose cause the one that does will loose.

@marsaxel you and your husband have both agreed this. You have both decided. You really can not compare this to a couple who have not agreed and basically came home to find the adult child there.

My step mum and Dad used to do this until one child moved in and caused so much disruption that caused my step mum to become very ill (and it was her child!). Now they realise that whilst it is often fine and helpful all around to help adult kids, sometimes it isn’t. Sometimes it really isn’t! They now only do this after talking it through, weighing up the options, and not being enablers.

Have you thought....maybe she married you for the lifestyle you afford her.... and the reality doesn't match up to the fantasy she had?

I hope your assets are safe in case of a divorce....because that's exactly where this is headed if she can't even work with and support you through this for even just long enough for your son to get a deposit together.

Hope you're feeling okay today OP

OP I've refrained from commenting as I suspect this is a fake story and you are trolling (why would a grown, middle aged man think to go to Mumsnet for advice?). If, however, this is real then I want to express my support for your poor wife. Your drip-feeding of information screams of a desperate need for attention, you have persistently brushed off, and made excuses for, your son (who to me sounds like an entitled stoner bum) and you are extremely manipulative in the way you have given information to paint a very specific picture of your wife and your ex-wife.

@MrsPworkingmummy
It’s real, no trolling ! Why would I join Mumsnet ? Because there is no current/up to date Dadsnet....I looked at other male oriented groups, can you imagine the sort of response I would get on there ? So my logic was to get a variety of female perspectives on the scenario, which I have achieved.
It’s food for thought & beneficial to get lots of points of view.
Thankyou for your input too

OP, if it was a woman posting saying her husband was behaving like this and making her choose between her child and him, the response from the majority of posters would be a lot more sympathetic and supportive....and i've no doubt the general consensus would be to leave the partner.

@HeebieJeebies456 100% agreed. Op she has shown you exactly the type of woman she is. Cut your losses

MrsP Did you not know that there a quite a few regular posters on here are male? And some of the women posting here don't even have children?

You both sound as bad as each other and better off apart.

I think it's likely the son's wife probably has huge insight into why the step mother-in-law has left.

I don't know if I'm being impartial but I detect quite a bit of disrespect coming from both you and your son towards women.

I think there are two sides to this story and I don't quite trust your version.

I would love the OP's wife to come on with her side of this story, I've a feeling we'd all be telling her to forget mediation and LTB.

Hopefully she will find husband number 4 because I would never be able to turn away my child! Moving out was extreme on her behalf and it's very manipulating behaviour and a form of abuse. Bless you I hope you and your son have a great time at the house as she sounds selfish and toxic! Blood is thicker than water as the saying goes

@weezol Yes I am aware, but I've always wondered why.

livinglife a form of abuse?! can you not read? The Ops wife is suffering from depression and neither him or his son seem to give a shit about her! It's them who're the abusive ones!

The son isn't a child ffs he's a 24yr old father!