Being made to choose:- wife v son

[Scoot67]

Apologies if this the wrong dept or if I don’t know the correct abbreviations, it’s my first post...need some perspective on this please. My wife & I have been married 5 years (my 2nd marriage, her third) I have a son of 24, she has no children. I am 51 she is 44.
Last summer we pooled our resources & bought the “box ticking dream house” in the country...the idyllic relax/escape. All good so I thought.
Approx 7 weeks ago my son’s relationship with his partner broke down (they had been together 3 years & have twin boys 14months)
My son sofa surfed for awhile, but then had no option, but to ask for my/our help. He contacted me approx 1/2hr before I finished work and said I really have to come to your place to stay. Naturally being Dad, I said yes. My wife was not impressed (understatement!) My son was obviously a bit emotionally battered from his relationship breakdown, but has been very respectful/courteous of our space. He has his own transport, has recently started a new well paid job & helps out with his son’s at his ex’s house & occasionally at our house.
My “crime” was that I did not discuss this change in lifestyle with my wife. I genuinely would have done, had I had time too...it happened quickly. Given different circumstances I would have asked for her decision on this move.
My son is adamant he wants to find his own place to rent, just needs to get some cash put aside first.
My wife’s reaction to this “enjoy your lad’s pad...I cannot live with you both here...I’m off !”
She has moved in with a friend, nearly one month now. She is being quite forthright in not coming home until my son moves out !
It’s her birthday today...I offered to take her out for a meal...she refused.
HELP ME OUT HERE PEOPLE !!

[Idontdowindows]

He contacted me approx 1/2hr before I finished work and said I really have to come to your place to stay.

Yah, and you didn't have enough of your wits about you to discuss this with your wife first.

I want to bet that if you had discussed this with her, her reaction would have been quite different.

And those people going on about it being her third marriage, I'm my other half's 3rd and we've been together for over 30 years, so you stick that kind of judging right up your arse.

[pinkyredrose]

I wonder where your son got the 'bloody women' attitude from.

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

As a step mum myself I’m with your wife on this one.

You are enabling a man child (your son) and losing someone who loves you.

Your post is all about your ‘poor son’ and nothing about how your wife must have felt. You and your wife have worked hard to get something of your own. Your dream, your relationship, your home.

Your son expected, at age 24, for you to give him a home with half an hours notice? He’s ‘saving up cash’? He’s nowhere for his kids?

Crikey he needs to man the hell up. The first thing he and you should have done was to treat him like a grown up. That means, he asks you BOTH or you insist a decision for him to move in is BOTH you and your wives. It impacts on both of you. Both does mean you and your wife making the decisions, not you and your son!

What if your wife had a friend who just turned up to live? Come on. You could have helped your son out in many ways, including helping him grow up and face his responsibilities. Which is probably why he was kicked out in the first place.

[Scoot67]

@pnkyredrose over the Christmas period he had irregular work, that’s the nature of unskilled work. He does have a well paid job NOW, since he took stock of what he needs to do with his life. Pompous & entitled ?
I’m telling it straight & honestly.

[Idontdowindows]

I’m telling it straight & honestly.

LOL seriously.

You felt that such an invasive change of your circumstances that would affect your wife (especially in the light of your dripfeeding of your son's earlier behaviour) was not actually something you had to discuss with the woman you share your life with.

Yes pompous and entitled.

[stayanotherday]

This marriage is clearly over.

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

OP you’ve done nothing but stick up for you and your son as if the house was completely both of yours, and you’ve had nothing but bad things to say about your wife. Your son feels nothing at all for your wife feeling totally squeezed out? You don’t seem to care?

You and your son seem very alike and are revelling in ‘bloody women and their moods’.

You should both be rescuing your relationships with these ‘bloody women’ and get your head out of your selfish viewpoints. Before it’s too late. Your son has two very young kids for God’s sake and his wife is probably going through hell. Your wife is probably heartbroken.

Wake up! The pair of you!

[Jon66]

I am going to go against the majority of posters here and say I would be extremely pissed off were I your wife. The problem with everything you have said is you fail to appreciate the home is you and your wife's. That means you always ask, every time before anyone comes to visit or stay. I would never just turn to my partner and say oh by the way my daughter is going to live with us starting now, it's just not on. So rude, you cannot be surprised she has gone to stay with a friend. I also assume she does most of the housework because although you say you share it I'm not sure you appreciate the extra work having someone else living there causes. It is the lack of courtesy and respect which is the issue. You are treating the home as if it's yours. It is hers equally but you aren't treating her as though it is.

[pinkyredrose]

How well paid can his job be if he's unskilled? Has he got a timeframe as to when he'll have a deposit and start looking? He'll need a 2 bedroom place for his DC, will he afford that?

I feel rather sorry for your wife being forced out of her dream home by a selfish manchild who didn't even have the decency to not get drunk and steal at her wedding ffs.

You clearly feel that your son deserves all your support and your wife deserves nothing at all. Living with depression is like nothing else, it's so debilitating. She needs love and understanding, not a husband who disregards her needs without so much as a buy your leave.

It's you who is out of order not her. Maybe start treating her as though she actually matters and examine why you don't treat her as well as you treat your son?

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

It's you who is out of order not her. Maybe start treating her as though she actually matters and examine why you don't treat her as well as you treat your son?

Totally agree with the above.

In fact the more of your posts I’ve read the more I feel very angry on behalf of your wife and your sons wife. You are acting like children the pair of you. Excusing your actions that have caused totally understandable pain. Even the title of your post is irritating. Your wife is offering mediation, has moved out to save her sanity, and yet you are bleating that you are being forced to choose? Oh do grow up.

[stayanotherday]

It sounds as if you'd both be happier apart.

[Failingat40]

I feel rather sorry for your wife being forced out of her dream home by a selfish manchild who didn't even have the decency to not get drunk and steal at her wedding ffs.

Forced out of her home!!??? You're obviously reading an entirely different thread to me...or else making shit up.

Ignore the crazies @Scoot67

Enjoy time with your son while the princess is gone!

[Failingat40]

"I feel rather sorry for your wife being forced out of her dream home by a selfish manchild who didn't even have the decency to not get drunk and steal at her wedding ffs."

Forced out of her home!!??? You're obviously reading an entirely different thread to me...or else making shit up.

Ignore the crazies @Scoot67

Enjoy time with your son while the princess is gone!

[corythatwas]

no idea about the ins and outs of this one, but do rather think the posters who claim the OP should have seen the wife's divorced status as a red flag might have noted that the OP is also a divorcee- that's where the son comes from

also, the way the OP keeps excusing his son for "thinking as a 24yo"

a 24yo is not a 3yo; he is a grown man and (in this case) a father

unlike 3yos and 4yos, there is no special 24yo way of thinking: some 24yo men respect women and some do not, some control their tempers and some do not, some are considerate and help out with the housework on an equal basis, some do not

[Dvg]

Your wife sounds nuts. Even though kids grow up they are still your child.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

If you had said your wife left after 6 months of living with your son I could imagine her being a bit pissed off but 4 weeks.

As I see it your DW despite being good in her job is really really immature and easily led.

The friend I imagine is egging her on and painting a blacker picture during their gin fuelled evenings whilst friends dh is away. I bet they are talking about divorce and your DW is lapping up the attention but at the end of the day the friends dh will come home and her marriage will be intact and your DW will be on her own.
Unfortunately I think the problem is your DW. She doesn't understand how families work. She knew you had a DC but didn't understand what this actually meant. That you as a parent would always put your DC first.
She seems to have got stuck in her mid 20s and the rest of her peer group has moved on.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

But it wasn't just a someone it was the DC of her dhs. Not exactly an unexpected stranger.

Personally after the ops update I think that maybe the DW is chasing an impossible dream husband. One that has no baggage and can keep her home like a show house with nothing out of place.
Unfortunately as I have said before unless she can turn back time as we age so do our peer group and life moves on. Sex, marriage and children sully the clean slate. I think given how obsessed she appears to be with the ops exwife and that she can't handle the OP having a DC I think her perfect husband is a 50year old virgin who can cook clean etc with absolutely no family or hobbis to distract him from being 100% with her

[SVRT19674]

Good for you for helping your son. Thats what families are for. She's clearly told you who she is. Listen.

[MrsSchadenfreude]

Your son asked you, fine. Then before agreeing it with him, you should have cleared it with your wife, and there should have been a timeframe, not him moving in on some vague, open ended basis.

And frankly, your son appears to be taking the moral high ground here and the piss - refusing to “take your money” for a deposit - which would have been what, for a room in a shared house £500-700? But instead, expects to live rent free, with his own room and bathroom, indefinitely.

I doubt your wife would have moved out if you had asked her in the first place, and agreed that this would be for a set period.

[Graphista]

Sounds like the friend did some stirring! Has friend been wife's friend a long time inc period of previous marriages?

"The friend I imagine is egging her on and painting a blacker picture during their gin fuelled evenings whilst friends dh is away. I bet they are talking about divorce and your DW is lapping up the attention but at the end of the day the friends dh will come home and her marriage will be intact and your DW will be on her own." Yep!

It is NOT crass to take an interest in why her previous marriages failed - do you know ANYTHING about this?

Personally like hell would I even be with someone who had a problem with me helping my child out in this scenario. I'd also be initiating divorce. Takes more than a few months to save up deposit, possibly 2 X months rent, money for first months bills, furnishings etc especially if he lives and works somewhere expensive.

In the wife's position I'd be utterly embarrassed if dh felt he needed to do any more than gimme a heads up. I wouldn't want to be with a man who didn't do this for his son.

Sorry doesn't sound like you've been courteous more a doormat - You MOVED HOUSE because your previous house was where you lived with ex wife - that's bonkers!

How long did you know her before you married?

If she genuinely didn't feel safe with him she'd have moved out immediately. Not buying that.

Nah she's thrown a tantrum is expecting you to throw son out and grovel at her feet. Sod that! Get divorce filed before it hits 5 year anniversary if possible.

[teaandtoast]

The son's got a sweet deal, hasn't he?

[subswifesyndrome]

Wouldn't expect my DH to need to ask me anymore than I would if one of mine needed a help. (I might over the step daughter that physically assaulted me though. She would not be welcome!) Other step kids we've helped and supported willingly because that's what parents do.

[gidddyasakipper]

When you marry a partner with children you marry those children too- regardless of their age. My very troubled stepson moved in with us a few years ago now and has put us through some very difficult times, but that is what you do when you love someone and commit to them.
OPs wife has to accept that children's needs trump all else when crisis hits. What sort of a man would OP be if he turned his son away in his hour of need?
Good on you OP for standing up for your boy. Sadly, it seems your wife doesn't deserve you.