Being made to choose:- wife v son

[Scoot67]

Apologies if this the wrong dept or if I don’t know the correct abbreviations, it’s my first post...need some perspective on this please. My wife & I have been married 5 years (my 2nd marriage, her third) I have a son of 24, she has no children. I am 51 she is 44.
Last summer we pooled our resources & bought the “box ticking dream house” in the country...the idyllic relax/escape. All good so I thought.
Approx 7 weeks ago my son’s relationship with his partner broke down (they had been together 3 years & have twin boys 14months)
My son sofa surfed for awhile, but then had no option, but to ask for my/our help. He contacted me approx 1/2hr before I finished work and said I really have to come to your place to stay. Naturally being Dad, I said yes. My wife was not impressed (understatement!) My son was obviously a bit emotionally battered from his relationship breakdown, but has been very respectful/courteous of our space. He has his own transport, has recently started a new well paid job & helps out with his son’s at his ex’s house & occasionally at our house.
My “crime” was that I did not discuss this change in lifestyle with my wife. I genuinely would have done, had I had time too...it happened quickly. Given different circumstances I would have asked for her decision on this move.
My son is adamant he wants to find his own place to rent, just needs to get some cash put aside first.
My wife’s reaction to this “enjoy your lad’s pad...I cannot live with you both here...I’m off !”
She has moved in with a friend, nearly one month now. She is being quite forthright in not coming home until my son moves out !
It’s her birthday today...I offered to take her out for a meal...she refused.
HELP ME OUT HERE PEOPLE !!

[MistressDeeCee]

No wonder those "my adult son/daughter doesn't visit me and I don't know what to do" posts come up quite often on here and Gransnet.

Stick to your guns OP. Don't let monstrous egos who wouldn't extend a hand to their own offspring, make you like them.

Flouncing off to a mate because your son's at yours for a while. In his own self contained room, and goes out to work..not as if he's lounging around all day.

Does her mate not have a partner who can't stand her landing there and sharing their space? Or maybe she'll find husband No.4 on her travels

[Oliversmumsarmy]

I think the son arriving is just an excuse to leave.

This isn't the first time she has left. I wonder what the reasons are for the previous times

[pinkyredrose]

Maybe the previous reasons were that she was married to someone who doesn't listen to her and she'd had enough.

[MistressDeeCee]

Maybe the previous reasons were that she was married to someone who doesn't listen to her and she'd had enough

3 marriages and counting. Maybe those same reasons could apply for her marriage partners.

After all a need to control is not only a male remit is it

[summerinthecountry]

Go over to her friend's place with flowers and a small gift. Sit her down and tell her you need to talk!

Yes you absolutely should have spoken to her first about moving in your son, it is disrespectful to not even mention it...

That said moving into her friend's place for a month is quite extreme. So I wonder if she has been upset for a while that you seem not to consider her feelings very much or she is very dramatic as a person and this is her peacock moment.

Regardless of whether you like this action or agree, if you want to save your marriage you need to talk.

I don't believe you were wrong to support your son, but I do think you are wrong not to discuss it with her first, it is her home as well.

Does she feel okay about not having children of her own? Could it be because it is your son?

I hope you guys work it out

[InTheGhetto]

There are an awful lot of rather specific derogatory comments about your wife that seem rather unnecessary in helping us, a load of strangers, understand the situation. Is your wife a Mumsnetter, OP?

[Idontdowindows]

Sit her down and tell her you need to talk!

She has already said they could talk on Thursday with a mediator!

[SluttyButty]

I've read all 10 pages. FWIW I agree with what you did Op. When my son was 24 he got into a pickle. I too had a phone call half an hour before he arrived to stay and he was in a very tearful state. I sent a txt to my dh (his stepdad) and said little butty will be here when you get home and he'll be staying for a while.
He was absolutely fine with it because when we signed the marriage register it meant we helped EACH OTHERS families out if and when needed.
In my opinion if you can't accept that there will be times that a stepchild will need the actual parents help, be it a roof over their head or anything else even if they're an adult , then you should really be thinking twice about that marriage, especially if you're aware that they are the only functioning parent.

Possibly a bit ranty but I don't really care

[GameChanger01]

I completely agree with sluttybutty hence why I never date men with kids and often get a lot of stick for that but stick to my guns. I would never come between a man and his children.

However, the LTBs and frankly quite nasty assumptions made about op’s wife, who btw is not here to give her side of the story, is uncalled for.

[pinkyredrose]

3 marriages and counting maybe she ( like a lot of women on here) has, for reasons she's not yet able to work out has a history of picking abusive/unsuitable men and is now devastated to find out that her 3rd husband is a patronising, misogynist arsehole aswell.

[Faultymain5]

@Gamechanger01, Faulty I read the thread please don’t patronise me

I wasn't patronising you at all. You say you read the thread but went on to say
Typical mumsnet thread jumping on the woman because she is career successful but has no children (bare in mind no one knows why maybe she is in fertile)... she doesn’t understand how family works, no empathy, selfish. All this deduced from a one sided story.

Whereas when I read the thread I saw sympathy AND accusations. So forgive me, if when you read the thread it looked like it was in OP's favour, but when I read it it was fairly even, then, I think it's fair to believe on the basis of probability, that no, you did not read the thread or chose to ignore the negative comments.

[justanotheruser18]

It was a huge thing for you to move your son into your shared home with your wife without consulting her.
Could not you have given your son money for a rental deposit instead? Get him out your hair?

Your wife's reaction seems out of proportion to the situation. Explains why you are her third husband...

Maybe it's not you, after all.

[Idontdowindows]

Just, he's only one marriage behind her, as this is his second, her third. So he's no stayer either. ;)

[larrygrylls]

Pinky red Rose,

Yeah, there is always the possibility that she chose 3 arseholes. But the probability is that she has issues which are non compatible with long term relationships.

The general idea on threads is to believe the OP, not participate or report the thread, rather than trying to interrogate the OP as if they were the accused...

[Faultymain5]

@larrygrylls The general idea on threads is to believe the OP, not participate or report the thread, rather than trying to interrogate the OP as if they were the accused... You forgot to add unless the OP is a man.

Just saying

[Lillygolightly]

Ok as a parent there would never be a time when my children would not have a home with me regardless of my circumstances/relationship status. I agree that you should support your son.

As a person I can completely understand why your wife is upset and has left. It’s one thing to move in with you and your son at the start of the relationship when that is that status quo, but it’s another to move him into a home you’ve both purchased together at a time when she was not expecting it.

If I was your wife I would not have had issue with supporting your son for a short time while he gets back on his feet. However I would had a big problem if you had not even mentioned it let alone discussed it with me first. Any issues she has with your son aside I suspect her real issue is with you and the fact you didn’t think her valuable enough to warrant having a discussion regarding your son moving in. I think indeed it is right that you have let him move in but don’t forget it is her house too and regardless of what you or anyone else says she has a right to an opinion/say on this matter and she absolutely does not have to happy about it just because it’s your son. Factor into this that she is not a parent herself, she does not feel anything like the responsibility towards your son that you do. So whilst she may see that he needs support, it may still feel like an invasion of her home...something which I can completely understand.

I actually think your wife has been quiet considerate in leaving. She has left her home, her space to allow you to support your son. Rather than demand he leave, or let him stay and show her unhappiness she has left so that you can get on with what you need to do....help your son get back on his feet.

I would suggest that if you want to salvage this relationship you turn up to to the mediation and try and see things from her point of view. Apologise for not consulting her before moving in your son, agree that she deserved a say on the matter and that you should have discussed it with her first as it is her Home too. Sit down with your son and make a plan, supporting him doesn’t mean you get to be passive about the situation especially since the situation means your wife is not living in her home. If this is truly you getting your son back on his feet and not him just living there indefinitely you need a timeline and plan of action. How long does he intend to stay? How much does he need to save up? Where is he looking looking to live? What does he need to do to sort that out?

Also for the time that your son is in yours and your wife’s home you need to set some ground rules. He needs to take some responsibility for where he is living even if it’s only temporary. He needs to contribute to the household, so he needs to take on his fair share of cleaning, food shopping, cooking etc he is family and not a guest so that means he pulls his weight. With these discussions and a sincere apology to your wife you have a chance at rectifying things.

[stayanotherday]

This marriage is over, doesn't seem like anybody's happy.

[stayanotherday]

Have you spoken to your wife, have you had mediation yet?

[Scoot67]

I realise I got some “bad press” from posters on here & that’s fair, these situations are always going to be “subjective” and without seeing both sides of the story it is obviously very difficult to ascertain the true story. The crux of this is :- I did not have a discussion with my wife about moving my son in. I have apologised profusely about this & explained that I didn’t really appreciate the enormity of the impact it would have. I wrongly assumed, my wife would be supportive of the situation & hopefully realise the temporary nature of my son staying.
Son is now working, being paid & has been to view a flat & start the paperwork trail with the letting agent.
I went to mediation with my wife on Thursday. I felt my wife over exaggerated my son’s behaviour during the session, to the extent the mediator suggested perhaps she should inform the police of his behaviour. I can categorically assure you, my son has never acted in an antagonistic manner towards my wife. The mediator suggested that I need to chose between my son & my failing marriage...I found this somewhat unprofessional. She even suggested I dressed in a somber fashion whilst talking seriously to my son, so he fully understood the severity of the situation ??!!??
My wife visited the home today, whilst I was looking after one of my grandchildren. She expressed disgust that her house had become a weekend crèche. She quite vocally “fires off” at me (whilst I was holding a baby) “you need to choose, you cannot be involved with your son/grandchildren & repair your failing marriage at the same time !”
She entered into a marriage knowing I had a son (and when my wife & I met, I lived with my son too)
I feel I should not be put in a position of making a choice.
Yes, I was guilty of not having the discussion before my son moved in...but genuinely, wholeheartedly, I would not hesitate to embrace the needs of any of her family members.

[SlowDown76mph]

Do you still love her?

[Scoot67]

Yes indeed....

[inlectorecumbit]

Hmm your W clearly resents your family.
I can't see a way of resolving this as it appears the resentment goes beyond your DS moving in.
I hope you chose your DS and DGC over her.

oh and you counsellor was unprofessional and quite bluntlyrubbush

[OliviaStabler]

I feel I should not be put in a position of making a choice.

Maybe she feels you already have made that choice? We have established you moved him in with no consultation when there was no emergency need for him to move in so quickly.

At mediation, my interpretation is that you are dismissing her feelings about your son's behaviour rather than trying to see her point of view. and genuinely counter her points if they are unfair Maybe that comes across to her as if your son can do no wrong in your eyes?

[paranoidpammywhammy2]

I can see divorce as the only option.

If what your wife says is true about your son's behaviour (which you may not have witnessed) - then you are totally dismissing her concerns and her only option is divorce.

If she is not telling the truth then you need to divorce her.

[paranoidpammywhammy2]

Have you asked your son's ex partner why they split up? What if she tells you an identical story?