Being made to choose:- wife v son

[Scoot67]

Apologies if this the wrong dept or if I don’t know the correct abbreviations, it’s my first post...need some perspective on this please. My wife & I have been married 5 years (my 2nd marriage, her third) I have a son of 24, she has no children. I am 51 she is 44.
Last summer we pooled our resources & bought the “box ticking dream house” in the country...the idyllic relax/escape. All good so I thought.
Approx 7 weeks ago my son’s relationship with his partner broke down (they had been together 3 years & have twin boys 14months)
My son sofa surfed for awhile, but then had no option, but to ask for my/our help. He contacted me approx 1/2hr before I finished work and said I really have to come to your place to stay. Naturally being Dad, I said yes. My wife was not impressed (understatement!) My son was obviously a bit emotionally battered from his relationship breakdown, but has been very respectful/courteous of our space. He has his own transport, has recently started a new well paid job & helps out with his son’s at his ex’s house & occasionally at our house.
My “crime” was that I did not discuss this change in lifestyle with my wife. I genuinely would have done, had I had time too...it happened quickly. Given different circumstances I would have asked for her decision on this move.
My son is adamant he wants to find his own place to rent, just needs to get some cash put aside first.
My wife’s reaction to this “enjoy your lad’s pad...I cannot live with you both here...I’m off !”
She has moved in with a friend, nearly one month now. She is being quite forthright in not coming home until my son moves out !
It’s her birthday today...I offered to take her out for a meal...she refused.
HELP ME OUT HERE PEOPLE !!

[SandyY2K]

Another one who can see why it's her 3rd marriage. If I was in a similar situation as you I'd have done the same. Her moving out would signify the end of her third marriage quite frankly. She's behaving like a brat throwing a tantrum.

[Scoot67]

THANKYOU !! You obviously get it !! Spot on !!

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

Your wife seems to feel she must be Number One in your life. (Hating living in your ex's shadow, and resenting your "lads house" with your son.)

[numptynuts]

Your wife needs to grow up.

Personally I would LTB. Hope your son finds his feet soon, you providing a home for him will help him enormously and you are providing a base for his children too in the meantime.

[SandyY2K]

Going by your latest update, it very much sounds like she has wanted to leave and this was the perfect excuse.

I agree.

Your wife sounds like a taker in life and I'm astounded by her lack of empathy. Not the kind of counsellor I'd want to see for sure.

She sounds like an entitled princess and I'm sure there's more going on with her you don't know about.

Has she cheated in past relationships? Why did her marriages end?

[Laska5772]

Yes, but if they divorce she will get half of the 'dream home' .. .

Sorry OP but it doesn't look great . But you are doing the right thing by your son and if she cared about anyone else than herself (and the famly she married into ) she would support you in that ,...

Pretty unanimous here . and who says MN is based against males?

[Laska5772]

sorry I lost a bit of that last post... it should have read:

Yes, but if they divorce she will get half of the 'dream home' and sadly you will have to start out again having sold your previous family home ..

[LineyHasntLeftTheBuilding]

So what exactly is her problem? When you have specifically asked, what is her answer?

[ohfourfoxache]

If she’s on SSRIs I can imagine that she is protective of her own space. I’m on them myself and the thought of someone else in the house isn’t comfortable.

However, she’s being a bitch. He is your son - are you expected just to ditch him? Being a parent is a lifelong commitment - more so than marriage.

Having depression does not excuse anyone from acting like a cunt. And I’m afraid that, by the sounds of it, that’s exactly how she’s acting

[AcrossthePond55]

You were wrong to agree without discussing it with your wife. But she is overreacting by not proposing "Ok for 2 weeks, but we need to agree beyond that" or similar. Marriage is all about compromise, even if in difficult situations.

Your DS sounds like a reasonable 'guest' and I assume he's taking care not to make messes or disrupt the household routine (bedtimes, times normally quiet in the house, hogging bathroom).

Her flying the coop after staying with a friend seems to indicate that the situation was discussed there and her decision to leave based on that discussion. Is there any chance that perhaps she has been wanting to end the marriage and has used this as the catalyst?

[AcrossthePond55]

Oh, and never choose a partner over your child.

Unless of course the child is irredeemably disruptive or criminal.

[Scoot67]

I don’t think so... she’s very insecure & not very “sexually confident”...I don’t believe she’s a cheater....
I’ve not asked directly, I feel digging into past relationships is “toxic”
She is different in many ways to my ex (physically, emotionally, confidence)...we’ve been together 6 years, but she’s still hung up on “i’ll never match up to your ex”....umm I didn’t want a carbon copy of my ex-wife...but also not keen on the righteous example I have now !

[Gemini69]

Shock the living daylights out of her....

Send her DIVORCE papers

[Scoot67]

Correct...And as I was “happy” that nothing was going to go wrong (why would I enter this with scepticism ?) I didn’t enter into a “declaration of trust” (to protect my substantial contribution) Doh !! I fear starting again & all the bullsh#t involved !! You get to your 50’s & think...yep, i’ve Got this life thing under control now !!

[Scoot67]

She cannot live/work in an environment with my son ! If my boy was being a dick, then ok...but he isn’t. He has a room with his own bathroom, he’s out at work/friends etc...
He stayed over with his ex to help out with a house move/looking after his boys. He was away from our house for a week...I informed my wife that he was away for the week...”hey you can come home”....her :- “why ? Because when your son comes home at the end of the week...I’ll have to move out again !”.....YOU COULDN’T MAKE IT UP !!

[Ilovesliz]

Ditch the wife and let DS stay permanently. You’re too good for her. If you’re kind and do the laundry then you’ll find happiness again with someone who treats you better.

[mydietstartsmonday]

She is totally out of order. You are a father and have not hesitated in helping him out. She is a selfish prig. Don’t let her come between you and your son.
Sounds to me she had an alternative reason for moving out. Tell her to get over it and your done will go when he is ready.

[Scoot67]

@ohfourfoxache :- ouch ! And there was me thinking I had to # sweary stuff !!

[TinyPawz]

I'd have the rest of her belongings packed up and delivered to the friends house. Enough of her nonsense. She's a big girl and needs to get over herself

[Gemini69]

Scoot67

you know what to do Sir.. you can't live like this.. .. what happens when your Son pops round with your darling grandkids.. is she going to refuse them access to seeing their Granddad

[Scoot67]

Wow !! I wasn’t sure what to expect when I made this post. It’s Sunday night, I’m home alone....a bit desperate for a perspective on this.
Just a “Joe Normal” bloke with no one to talk too.
Thankyou all very much for your perspectives on it, I really appreciate it ! Genuinely.
Making Light of a sh#t situation :- if anyone needs a fairly fit, bald man that is more than capable of doing the laundry (I won’t shrink your Merino !) Happy to do the weekly shop (I won’t just come home with 48 cans of Stella & some pizza !) Can clean a bathroom to hotel standards ! Can fix most household appliances, Won’t scrub the enamel off your Orla Kiely saucepans !! Not very sexually demanding....unless you ply me with red wine & Marvin Gaye !! .....Give me a shout !!

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

Would she get 50% of the house after a very short marriage? If she hadn't contributed 50%?

[Wobbleheady]

Well, there's your Match profile sorted.

[TinyPawz]

@Scoot67 🤣🤣 GSOH too. You won't be on the market long

[Gemini69]

aahh now.. everyone loves an Orla Kiely saucepan