Being made to choose:- wife v son

[Scoot67]

Apologies if this the wrong dept or if I don’t know the correct abbreviations, it’s my first post...need some perspective on this please. My wife & I have been married 5 years (my 2nd marriage, her third) I have a son of 24, she has no children. I am 51 she is 44.
Last summer we pooled our resources & bought the “box ticking dream house” in the country...the idyllic relax/escape. All good so I thought.
Approx 7 weeks ago my son’s relationship with his partner broke down (they had been together 3 years & have twin boys 14months)
My son sofa surfed for awhile, but then had no option, but to ask for my/our help. He contacted me approx 1/2hr before I finished work and said I really have to come to your place to stay. Naturally being Dad, I said yes. My wife was not impressed (understatement!) My son was obviously a bit emotionally battered from his relationship breakdown, but has been very respectful/courteous of our space. He has his own transport, has recently started a new well paid job & helps out with his son’s at his ex’s house & occasionally at our house.
My “crime” was that I did not discuss this change in lifestyle with my wife. I genuinely would have done, had I had time too...it happened quickly. Given different circumstances I would have asked for her decision on this move.
My son is adamant he wants to find his own place to rent, just needs to get some cash put aside first.
My wife’s reaction to this “enjoy your lad’s pad...I cannot live with you both here...I’m off !”
She has moved in with a friend, nearly one month now. She is being quite forthright in not coming home until my son moves out !
It’s her birthday today...I offered to take her out for a meal...she refused.
HELP ME OUT HERE PEOPLE !!

[Scoot67]

@whatsgoingonEh I guess so...dual names on mortgage/deeds. Depends how moralistic she would be ? I put down 70% & didn’t secure my investment with a “declaration of trust”....why would I ? We were investing in our new “dream home” together !! C’est La Vie !! It felt a bit like broaching the subject of a type of “pre-nuptial” scenario...never an easy subject to bring to the table !!

[backsackcraic]

Right. First things first.

She's seen you as a meal ticket.
She moved in with you and your son.
He left, she married you.
She's now got an excuse to leave as son returned.
File for divorce now. As it's not been too long a marriage you may come out of this with most of your 70%. You sound brilliant and a lot of women would be grateful for someone who has your credentials.

Get in there first, get rid of her, she'll never come back anyway.

[FinnegansCake]

It’s ironic that your wife has moved out because she doesn’t want to share her home with your son, and yet she is apparently quite happily sharing her friend’s home!
It would be interesting to know how her friend feels about your DW moving in like that ... she was probably expecting her to be there just a couple of days, to allow her to “make a point “ and force you to get your son to leave - it’s unlikely the friend expected her to still be there weeks later!
Your wife sounds insecure, selfish and controlling. I’m very surprised that you don’t know why her previous marriages ended, although in view of her current behaviour, it’s not difficult to guess why.
Do you actually want her back? Could your relationship recover from her awful attitude? Does she want to come back to you, or is all this an excuse to put an end to the marriage?

[HollowTalk]

I am all for people sharing finances when they're on their first marriages but honestly, I wouldn't do it now. While I'd hope for the best, I really would prepare for the worst.

[Wherearemymarbles]

I’d do 2 things tomorrow

1. See a solicitor regarding your relative rights in divorce
   

1. Check you dont have mirror wills. If you do there is no way your son or grandchildren will see a penny of your assets her if you get hit by a bus.

[Scoot67]

@wherearemymarbles I know for a fact my wife hasn’t made a will. Never got round to it, never had anything to leave to any significant other.
I have mine all sorted (plus my son as LPA too) I have (hopefully?) protected the assets for my son.

[KateGrey]

@Scoot67 I have two lovely friends (mid 40s) both wonderful.

On a serious note I’d ditch your wife. She sounds hugely demanding and unforgiving. She doesn’t want your son staying but has gone to live with her friend

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

You need to split up pronto - 5 years is borderline of what a Judge would consider to be a short marriage, and every day that passes just gives your wife a right to more of your equity.

[Weezol]

There is a Mumsnet list of all the initials somewhere, the 'LTB' is short for Leave The Bastard/Bitch. It's not exhaustive, more recent ones include
NT - neuro typical - not on the Autistic spectrum
ND - neuro divergent, the opposite

So, you are a DF to your son, and a DGF to your grandchildren.

You're also allowed to do fucking massive swears, as the occasion requires.

www.mumsnet.com/info/acronyms

Here is my favourite ever thread. It's wonderful. I read it from start to finish when I'm fed up.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics/2955799-To-clap-my-hands-and-skip-about-in-a-elephantine-manner

[Lookatyourwatchnow]

Your wife sounds horrendous!

[Weezol]

Oh, and LTB for sure.

[WhiteCat1704]

I would not accept an adult moving into my home without consultation and time limit. You should have asked her!
Why haven't you agreed on a tineframe of when he is moving out? 3months for example should be enough.
Where is his mother and why are you his choice of a housing when he is breaking up your marriage?
His is just ending..sounds like he really doesn't give a crap about a position he has put you in.
Also to be honest he should have asked BOTH of you if he can move in!!!!

[TinyPawz]

@WhiteCat1704 are the wife?

[Scoot67]

@kategrey TWO friends ! Very generous !! I’m not sure that is legal in this country, but Thankyou for your generous offer !

[Gemini69]

Divorce HER OP

[Scoot67]

@whitecat1704
A time frame would have been good, I agree...and to be honest, he’s working towards that. He’s not just sitting back & doing nothing.
I was his “go to” because we have a good relationship. Where is his mother ? She is an absolute car crash !! Failed/recovering alcoholic, long term unemployed, pops diazepam like smarties, disruptive/dismissive of her son. We separated 19 years ago. Is that enough info for you ?
He should have asked BOTH of us, he didn’t have time too, he needed somewhere safe/secure NOW....and maybe he doesn’t have a great deal of respect for my wife ? He is aware of the situation he has “created”, but as stated previously...he is working hard to get himself back on track, he’s 24, he prioritises differently. His “stubborn” step-mum isn’t around...so what ?

[sheddooropen]

Your wife's behaviour is worrying, has she had any bad experiences with your son before? You were right to side with your son especially in his situation you can't exact see him on the streets. I would have a long conversation with your wife to see what the issue is. It really needs sorting soon, best of luck and good luck to your son!

[Scoot67]

@sheddooropen She doesn’t approve of his behaviour ! When we lived together previously he was very “free spirited” Went to festivals, smoked a bit of weed, was in a punk band, his room was a tip...but he was 20 !! His heinous crime was that he got drunk at our wedding & “nicked” an empty cigar box from the bar !!
He has been respectful since moving in, a little emotionally fragile & hot headed at times, but nothing antagonistic to justify her moving out...she professed she didn’t feel “safe” around him !! He’s very rarely here & when he is, he’s happy in his room watching movies on a laptop.

[sheddooropen]

Still sounds a bit weird, I can understand the drugs thing but still weird if she says she doesn't feel safe around him. Worth a conversation cause of this happens again or he can't move out for a while your marriage is going to suffer a lot more :/

[dirtybadger]

To be honest it doesnt sound like you want her back, and it sounds like this was an excuse for her. So youre both where you should be, sorta. Sounds like she would be funny about having the dGC around to stay when theyre old enough. Or even when they are adults and need somewhere to stay for a few weeks because grandad has the space dad or mum doesnt (fine and nice IMO).

[Failingat40]

How ironic it is that she's gone off to impose on a friend while complaining that your son has done the same to you!!

Is the friend single? If not I hope she asked permission first - oh, and gave a time scale!!

Your wife sounds a bit unhinged tbh, quite worrying that someone like this could be let loose on the vulnerable as a Counsellor soon!!!

You absolutely did the right thing by your son, I don't know anyone that would turn their family away in a crisis. She's being wholly unreasonable and brattish.

Have you been round to see her at her friends house op?

I think divorce at this stage is a bit premature but it should open your eyes to her loyalty or lack of it in a crisis.

[DarkPeakScouter]

Have you actually met up and discussed this situation? People don’t leave a house/spouse over nothing. You’ve gone to some pains to present yourself in a positive light as a great dad, husband and her not so much. But what is her perspective? I just find it odd you’re agreeing with the assessment of people on the internet while not talking to the woman you love? And who you married. And I could find the time to call my husband if I got that sort of call, no matter the urgency. I think you should meet and talk with her before making any big decisions because it sounds like there is more to this than you maybe have seen.

[Scoot67]

@failingat40 no I haven’t been to the friends house. The friend is married & also runs a nursery from home ! My wife “can” work from home (video conferencing etc) I offered to deliver my wife’s birthday gift to her....”oh right, you want to come round & cause aggro at my friends house ?”.....errm no, i’m Not an angry 20 year old, I wanted to bring your birthday gift !!
I’m not sure she asked to go live there, her friend offered....so they can hang out & drink gin whilst her husband is away !!

[WhiteCat1704]

Bleh..you say your son doesn't respect her and so what? Clearly you don't either if you don't care about it...
It's bullshit he didn't have time to ask you both..phonecall takes few minutes...he didn't think it was necessary because he doesn't respect her or YOUR marriage..

Good for her for moving out. You can spend the rest of your life with your adult son since his wife left him too...Maybe he didn't respect her either. Issues with females due to crazy mother?

I feel sorry for your wife...driven out of her home by two selfish men

[LineyHasntLeftTheBuilding]

What's your adult son's view of your second marriage breaking up?

How was he 'hot headed'?