Being made to choose:- wife v son

[Scoot67]

Apologies if this the wrong dept or if I don’t know the correct abbreviations, it’s my first post...need some perspective on this please. My wife & I have been married 5 years (my 2nd marriage, her third) I have a son of 24, she has no children. I am 51 she is 44.
Last summer we pooled our resources & bought the “box ticking dream house” in the country...the idyllic relax/escape. All good so I thought.
Approx 7 weeks ago my son’s relationship with his partner broke down (they had been together 3 years & have twin boys 14months)
My son sofa surfed for awhile, but then had no option, but to ask for my/our help. He contacted me approx 1/2hr before I finished work and said I really have to come to your place to stay. Naturally being Dad, I said yes. My wife was not impressed (understatement!) My son was obviously a bit emotionally battered from his relationship breakdown, but has been very respectful/courteous of our space. He has his own transport, has recently started a new well paid job & helps out with his son’s at his ex’s house & occasionally at our house.
My “crime” was that I did not discuss this change in lifestyle with my wife. I genuinely would have done, had I had time too...it happened quickly. Given different circumstances I would have asked for her decision on this move.
My son is adamant he wants to find his own place to rent, just needs to get some cash put aside first.
My wife’s reaction to this “enjoy your lad’s pad...I cannot live with you both here...I’m off !”
She has moved in with a friend, nearly one month now. She is being quite forthright in not coming home until my son moves out !
It’s her birthday today...I offered to take her out for a meal...she refused.
HELP ME OUT HERE PEOPLE !!

[pinkyredrose]

Imagine your wife asking for advice, i wonder what she'd say, how different her take on the situation would be.

[KarmaStar]

Very selfish behaviour from your wife OP,and extreme.is there more to it do you think?I cannot see why she would do this.If it were me if welcome him into our home for as long as he needed.
The if my husband acted like this I would be thinking very hard about wanting him back.what will happen when your grand children stay over?will she flounce off again?
Do you want her back op?

[Scoot67]

@darkpeakscouter I have endeavoured to talk & arrange a meeting (even offering to take her out for a meal today, her birthday)
She won’t meet until Thursday as she has arranged for us to go to a mediator together.

[ferando81]

Not surprised she's been married three times.No understanding or empathy for your difficult situation .

[pinkyredrose]

OP you really don't want to think anything bad of your son. But he does seem pretty disrespectful. If he accepted your wife he would've made sure to ask the both of you if he could stay not just you.

Do you know why his relationship ended?

[Scoot67]

@lineyhasntleftthebuilding he is aware of the dire situation, but my wife is displaying similar traits to his ex, so as a 24 year old, he just thinks “bloody women”.....
He won’t see the enormity of the situation.

[SomeKnobend]

Wow. She didn't feel safe with him there - that's a drip feed and a half! Sounds like you weren't getting on to start off with but you dismissed all the things she wasn't happy about as not important (you don't say you did anything to work on the issues she raised). Then you move your son in, and you say you can't cook, and he's mostly in his room, but you enjoyed lovely meals all together in the evenings? So she was cooking for both of you every night, after working all day full time in a stressful job. Now you've said she's on anti-anxiety/anti-depression meds, your son has previous for not getting on with your wife, drug use and stealing, and she felt unsafe living in the house. Even so she stuck it out for the first 3-4 weeks. In that time you never thought to help your son out with a deposit to rent somewhere, so your wife could feel safe in her own home again? Well that's backfired if you end up having to sell the house and divorce it'll cost you a lot more in moving/selling fees etc.

I think you've been really insensitive to what she's been telling you about how she's feeling, and the son moving in has been the straw that broke the camel's back. You don't sound that keen to get your wife back tbh, and it's probably too late now anyway, she's seen how little regard for her you have. Not much else to do than bite the bullet and get the divorce process started. Don't do the same in your next relationship, or it'll be you people will be saying "I see why it's his third" about.

[LineyHasntLeftTheBuilding]

So your son's marriage has gone tits up, yours is going tits up, you are both ok about that?

[Scoot67]

@pinkyredrose his relationship ended due to irregular work patterns, meaning no constant money & the tensions that generates.
Respect is very much a two way thing & he hasn’t seen much coming back his way from my wife.
She is less than happy about becoming a “step grandmother”....and made the comment “I should have never married a man with a child”....she knew the “package” when she entered the marriage.

[LineyHasntLeftTheBuilding]

But how is he 'hot headed'?

[RhubarbTea]

What SomeKnobend said.

[DarkPeakScouter]

What Some said - that’s a hell of a drip feed! Not surprised she’s keeping her distance. Still at least she’s arranged mediation so you’ll have a neutral party to assist you. And there is always time to take five minutes to call your spouse then call your son back.

[Scoot67]

@lineyhasntleftthebuilding he “was” hot headed about his relationship breakdown, a bit of door slamming, frustrations at lack of communication with his ex...just temper tantrums. He is now a lot calmer & knuckling down to working/saving

[ThinkOfAWittyNameLater]

My Dad has a partner. I occasionally ask if they can have DC1 for sleepover. I ask my Dad. I don't then phone his partner to ask her. Likewise, with my wonderful parents in law: if you ask one they will immediately answer for both. To contact the other would disrespect the first: they're a team. United. Each supports the other. If one says yes the other backs them.

@Scoot67 Okay, you acknowledge yourself you should have spoken to your wife. But if she's said no, what would that actually have changed? You'd still see your wife in a different light. You'd still be questioning her loyalty and your future together. Whether because you ignored her or because your son was now homeless.

It's a popular phrase on MN: when someone shows you who they are, listen the first time.

Listen to what she's telling you about herself. Get some legal advice about your situation and then think calmly about what may come up in this mediation session. It may help you to clarify your feelings.

Personally, nothing & no-one comes between me & my kids. Frankly, I'd do the same for any of the kids in our family & any of my kid's friends. So would my husband. That's why we're together: we share the same values (and love each other too, win-win ). Sounds to me like your wife has very different values to you. Can you live with her again knowing that when shit hits the fan, she moves out?

[ladymariner]

Wow whitecat are you the wife? You sound really angry...
Op, get rid of her! No wonder she's on her 3rd marriage. No way would I ever choose anyone over my son, and would never forgive anyone who wanted me to. Good luck 🍀

[stayanotherday]

Hold on - this is where MN has double standards.

A young boy smokes a bit of weed and it's a major problem yet there's a thread on AIBU about the nineties being a great decade where some MN's openly admit to taking soft drugs in their youth as it was part of the rave culture and it made them see rainbows etc.

There was also another thread about somebody being fed up of their neighbour smoking weed in a communal garden and it stinking out their flat, should they report him? The general consensus was "don't be so dramatic, he's only a harmless pothead".

If the son has other issues being hot-headed etc. and the wife felt unsafe because there's more to this then I understand better.

[Scoot67]

@someknobend where to start ?
I am fully aware of her concerns.
I have endeavoured to appease the situation. I have tried to be respectful & offer a compromise.
What example does that give me son if I stump up £????’s for his deposit. I did offer, he was too proud to accept.
The lovely meals that we sat & had together were a take away AND meals my son cooked for us all.
Yes, perhaps it was the straw that broke the camels back...but there has to be an element of adapting in relationships.
You paint my son out to be a junkie thief ! He smoked a bit of weed 5 years ago & lifted an empty cigar box...he’s hardly Pablo Escobar !

[LineyHasntLeftTheBuilding]

A 24 year old man having temper tantrums in my home sounds, well, not great tbh.

Your wife's "lads' pad" remark seems very pointed - did she in any way, whatsoever, have any reason, from her point of view, to say this, on any level?

Anyway, all that's academic unless you want to communicate with your wife about it. It doesn't matter what we say.

[Poshsausage]

She’s jealous of your relationship

Call her out on her actions and don’t be chasing her down or apologising at all just leave her alone .

[Scoot67]

@lineyhasntleftthebuilding
Genuine honest answer :- she came round to collect her mail & my son had left a gilet on the back of a chair & a work shirt on top of a laundry basket ! Seriously.
The house is immaculate & those two things wound her up.

[Scoot67]

@thinkofawittynamelater
It’s not the first time she has left.
I’m too old for the drama bullshit...I just ride it out & it all rectifies itself.
I often wonder how she would react if I did that ?

[BMW6]

OP don't ring her or contact her in any way for a couple of weeks. Let her stew for a while and see if she contacts you.
IMHO she is being ridiculously unreasonable and frankly you;d do better without her.

[dirtybadger]

He isnt a drug user and a thief. He took an empty box (??) and smoked weed aged 20. Like most young people do (or equivilant). That doesnt warrant feeling unsafe, he was hardly off the rails by the sounds of it.

Maybe something else does warrant it. But not that. Slamming doors, etc, isnt on, and is childish and aggressive behaviour which I wouldnt be happy with. Perhaps there is more to that bit? But if I was a 40 something year old step mother to a guy who has just broken up with his wife and is also having to get used to seeing less of his young children, I would like to think I would have some empathy. Especially if this was all sorted by the time she moved out. Perhaps there is more going on from her side that OP doesnt know about (trauma? I dont know- but the feeling unsafe thing otherwise seems OTT).

Im not sure it matters. OP do you respect your wife? Do you like her? It sounds like, if you werent married, you would be pretty happy without her. Dont stay or try and work things out as a formality. Probably wiser to just admit this hasnt worked out and neither of you are the people you thought you were....

[notangelinajolie]

So your wife has been married twice before. She's been there before so walking out on number 3 is easy for her. 2 failed marriages should have thrown up all kinds of red flags for you but it's too late for that. She sounds selfish, fickle and moody. Best now that you forget her and concentrate on your son. It doesn't matter how old he is and in answer to your question - wife v son = son. You are never going to get her to understand this if she doesn't have a son of her own.

[pinkyredrose]

His relationship ended because of irregular work patterns and no money? Thought you said he was in a good job? You're start to sound rather pompous and entitled. Apple didn't fall far from the tree either.