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Original poster

13 year old DD saying awful things to other children.... Please help!

173 replies

CelestialBean · 21/04/2018 16:21

DD s 13. DP has a 4 year old DD who stays with us but doesn't live with us.

We had a lot of stress with DP's ex and have just been through a massive and very stressful court case. DD was aware of how difficult and stressful it was.

DD has a habit of saying very spiteful things when she is annoyed or upset. So yesterday she told DP's DD that her mother was dead......

DP's DD asked me if it was true, luckily she doesn't really understand the concept and I was able to explain that of course she's not and that she's absolutely fine.

DP was furious with my DD (as was I). DP didn't shout at her, he left it for me to deal with her which i was glad of. DD then stormed to the bottom of the garden and howled loudly. DP had to carry her into the house at 9pm (sent straight to her room) where she drew all over her face and arms in red pen and wrote him a note saying how horrible he is and he makes her want to kill herself and has done many times....

She is a bit sheepish and quiet today. DP is still very angry. He's asked how I plan to punish her.

She's had therapy before after her father left to live 200 miles away and start a new family a year ago. She was very upset about this and had lots of rages where she'd threaten to hurt herself or jump out of a window. She has calmed down a lot since though.

OP posts:
Babdoc · 21/04/2018 16:27

She’s 13 and full of hormones, her own dad is miles away, the stepdad has a younger, cuter daughter who presumably needs more of your and his time and attention. Is it any wonder she might feel jealous, angry and left out? Being spiteful to the step sister is prob just her way of getting her own back.
I’d tread very carefully, OP, as this is an emotional minefield. I don’t think a punishment is appropriate, I think you need a proper heart to heart with her about her place in the family and how she feels about the set up. You may then reach a point where she will feel sorry for her behaviour, but not until all her issues have been addressed.

privateporcupine · 21/04/2018 16:28

For a 13 year old, that’s quite disturbing behaviour. Even aside from the suicide threats.

What’s her behaviour like at school? I’d say she needs to get back to therapy or referred to some kind of outside help.

PetulantPolecat · 21/04/2018 16:31

I think she’s massively testing boundaries and needs to know where they are. Threatening to kill yourself due to mum’s boyfriend and saying hateful things to a 4 year old may be a massive cry for help... but part of that cry is structure and boundaries.

ineedamoreadultieradult · 21/04/2018 16:32

What did you do to help her transition into this blended family? Loys of people don't really put too much thought into it and then are surprised when the kids act out. Seems like a lot of everyone's efforts and attention has been in the 4 year old which is hard to take at 13 if they are your full sister never mind only a year after her Dad taking off and moving on and you inviting a while other family to be part of your lives. The girl needs help not punishment.

Original poster
CelestialBean · 21/04/2018 16:32

She is great at school, never in any trouble and works hard. She has a good set of friends but isn't all that sociable really, quite shy.

She has always had a very spiteful side, She has two brother (we all live together) who she can be very unkind to if they annoy her or she's in a bad mood.

DP's opinion is that this needs to stop, she's old enough to know better. I'm a bit more lets talk to her and find out what's going on. I'm not sure my method is working very well though tbh as she also speaks to me and DP very rudely sometimes. DP says she needs more boundaries.

OP posts:
hairymorag · 21/04/2018 16:38

So your DD father leaves her a year ago and you have a new partner who is now living with you too. Quite a lot of change in a short peroid of time for a young lady to deal with. Then to add to the mix you have a 4yr old turning up to her house and it sounds like you have spent sometime with your partner dealing with court proceedings in relation to the 4yr old.

Perhaps your DD needs her DM support during what appears to be a difficult time rather than you focussing on your DP and his DD. You seem to expect her to 'understand' your stress with his court case? In relation to another persons child. it may be the timeline isn't clear but thats how it reads on your post. Feel sorry for her

Original poster
CelestialBean · 21/04/2018 16:40

DP and I have been together for 3 years. DP and DD generally have a very good relationship and she has said how supportive he's been in relation to her father leaving.

OP posts:
sameoldsame · 21/04/2018 16:40

A whole new life and family move in after a year!? And her father abandoned her and has a new child, I repeat all in a YEAR!

And you wonder why she’s like this
Jesus

sameoldsame · 21/04/2018 16:42

Gah! Sorry. Just saw your update. T really looked like this had all happened in a year from your OP.
Sorry.
Though I still think she probably feels like everyone else has other kids they favour?

missyB1 · 21/04/2018 16:43

Honestly I would recommend family counselling for all of you.

SleightOfMind · 21/04/2018 16:45

My very kind and empathetic DD has 3 DBs and a well developed verbal armoury.

She’s needed this to put them in their place over the years but we’ve had to talk to her often about how much her words can hurt.

I agree with PPs that your DD needs a small sanction (sit and write a letter to DSis about why she told her her mother was dead perhaps?) and then you and her talk about the letter with understanding.

Thirteen is a horrible age and she’s had so much to cope with.
More one to one with you & outside help if you can stretch to it.

Original poster
CelestialBean · 21/04/2018 16:45

I think she probably does feel like that a bit although hasn't admitted it. Both DP and I have really tried hard to build her confidence. It's the way she speaks to people, really not sure how to deal with it.

I'm hesitant about being too strict or shouty at heron even punish her (taking phone away etc) because of the situation but I don't know if maybe that's making it worse?

OP posts:
Original poster
CelestialBean · 21/04/2018 16:46

*her or even punish her

OP posts:
Gazelda · 21/04/2018 16:51

Could you tell her that her behaviour was awful, unacceptable, and that it could have hurt your DP's DD terribly. That you understand she doesn't mean to be spiteful, and you think that some more therapy would help. As a punishment for what she said, you are taking her phone for a week. But you want her to know that you believe this to be something she wishes hadn't happened, and that she didn't mean what she said to be so nasty. Organise therapy for her to talk in confidence about her feelings.
Then love bomb her. And the rest of the DC. Give them all as much time and attention as you can possibly spare. It sounds like the family have had a very difficult time, boundaries and relationships are strained and being tested. Show all of the children that they are adored as individuals, that you and DP want them all to be happy. But in return you need them to be kind to each other (as well as you and DP).

Fireinthehold · 21/04/2018 16:54

At this age, kids can be spiteful and not all of them get caught. She is clearly upset with all the change in her life as well as having hormones raging through her body. You say she is shy so perhaps she keeps a lot of her feelings bottled up rather than venting to friends. I would try not to overreact, this feels like a cry for help or attention. Can you have some exclusive time for just you and her to discuss what happened?

WhiteCat1704 · 21/04/2018 16:55

Of course you need to start to give her consequences for her actions. At 13 she should 100% know better than say to a 4year old that her mum is dead.
I'm with your partner on this. Talking is clearly not effective, she needs boundaries.

crunchymint · 21/04/2018 16:58

I too would recommend family therapy. 13 as a girl is a very difficult age anyway without everything else that is going on for her. I know this is the internet and so none of us really know what is happening in reality, but from what you have written OP, your DD does not sound like she has been very supported.
And saying spiteful things is often in children a result of hurt along with feeling powerless.

Walkaboutwendy · 21/04/2018 17:02

Privileges like mobile phones need to be earnt. Does she have pocket money as well?

You need to be firmer with her and send her the message it isn't acceptable. The self harm threats are a cry for help which strangely might be a need for boundaries to show you care. Talking can be done when she's on a more even keel but you've got to consider the impact on the other kids.

She needs to understand consequences otherwise you'll do her no favours in the long run.

hedgebackwards · 21/04/2018 17:03

You've told her off for telling your DP's little DD the lie that that her mother was dead. Did you ask her why she said it?

Juells · 21/04/2018 17:09

Oh God my heart goes out to that poor girl.

LanaorAna2 · 21/04/2018 17:11

Whatever's going on, being spiteful is not the way to deal with it. And yes, 13 is too old.

She needs time and attention from you; in a way that is not a reward for acting up. Take her for a day out somewhere (no shops or cafes) and talk.

Self-hatred could be a problem for her; think about why that might be.

BelfortGabbz · 21/04/2018 17:18

Was she spiteful to her brothers and other children before the split OP?

Smeddum · 21/04/2018 17:19

I'm hesitant about being too strict or shouty at heron even punish her (taking phone away etc) because of the situation but I don't know if maybe that's making it worse?

And she knows it too. I always tell my children, you can’t control the way you feel, but you CAN control how you act on it.
So, immediate and severe consequences for such spiteful and cruel behaviour. Straight away, no question, until it stops.

In between times, I hate the expression “love bombing” but it’s the most descriptive way I can think of just now. Pile it on, praise positive behaviour, listen to her feelings, let her talk, have time with her on her own and make sure she knows you hear and validate her feelings.

But don’t let this nasty streak go unpunished, it is grossly unfair on those on the receiving end (a 13 year old picking on a 4 year old is awful, no matter the circumstances) and it is grossly unfair to your DD too because if she is never taught to control her tongue, life could get complicated as she gets older.

Oblomov18 · 21/04/2018 17:19

I also think being spiteful in an argument is a very unattractive personality trait.
many people I know have it, many don't.
Ds1 does massively. Ds2 does not. Ever.

This needs very careful discussion.
A lot of damage gets done by nasty comments. Damage that can't be undone. She's old enough to get that.

Didiusfalco · 21/04/2018 17:31

Poor girl. She’s lashing out because she feels like she has no control and is possibly also testing others close to her to see if they will also leave like her dad. Also, this 4 year old dd is nothing to her, except another way of taking your attention. You need family counselling as she’s obviously not coping.

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