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Original poster

13 year old DD saying awful things to other children.... Please help!

173 replies

CelestialBean · 21/04/2018 16:21

DD s 13. DP has a 4 year old DD who stays with us but doesn't live with us.

We had a lot of stress with DP's ex and have just been through a massive and very stressful court case. DD was aware of how difficult and stressful it was.

DD has a habit of saying very spiteful things when she is annoyed or upset. So yesterday she told DP's DD that her mother was dead......

DP's DD asked me if it was true, luckily she doesn't really understand the concept and I was able to explain that of course she's not and that she's absolutely fine.

DP was furious with my DD (as was I). DP didn't shout at her, he left it for me to deal with her which i was glad of. DD then stormed to the bottom of the garden and howled loudly. DP had to carry her into the house at 9pm (sent straight to her room) where she drew all over her face and arms in red pen and wrote him a note saying how horrible he is and he makes her want to kill herself and has done many times....

She is a bit sheepish and quiet today. DP is still very angry. He's asked how I plan to punish her.

She's had therapy before after her father left to live 200 miles away and start a new family a year ago. She was very upset about this and had lots of rages where she'd threaten to hurt herself or jump out of a window. She has calmed down a lot since though.

OP posts:
snowsun · 21/04/2018 17:42

The reason for a teens behaviour is their brain is trying to make them become independent, change into an adult and to make them not be dependent on their parents.
The brain does this by making them feel loathing, embarrassment and hatred towards their parents. Teens feel this to different degrees. Some feel it less others more. It is out of there control.
Boys display it by going quiet and removing themselves into their room.
Girls give a load of verbal. Get opinionated. Tell you how they feel often with no filter.

Now throw in the turbulence of the last year. She's trying to make sense of her dads actions.
Watching her rock - you- be extremely stressed about a child that's not yours.
To work out where her step dad fits with her dad leaving. Does he have a new roll or does nothing change.

This is not a simple chat and fix. The normal teen hormones will be a nightmare for the next 5 years. I'd brace yourself. It's a nightmare. The added emotion she's feeling may need more support and may be from a professional. But just be a solid support.

peekyboo · 21/04/2018 17:43

Spiteful people know they are being spiteful. They don't need it to be pointed out. And they know it hurts too.

I agree she needs more counselling to work on empathy first, behaviour second. It crosses a line to tell a 4 year old her mother is dead. Your partner may be angry but I would also be a little afraid too. The 4 year old is helpless, what else might your daughter say or do to get a reaction? How would you know?

It's a scary time and I agree your daughter might be in pain, but please think of the people she hurts too.

colditz · 21/04/2018 17:46

given that there has just been a massive court case around the 4 year old, I'm guessing that there has been a lot of attention focused on and around the 4 year old.

However it's your reluctance to punish the behaviour that's really screaming out of your posts. Do you really think something like that needs to be talked about and not punished? I'd shame her until she fucking cried.

colditz · 21/04/2018 17:47

"poor girl" my arse. She knows damned well she'd behaved in a shameful way, that's why she's keeping her head down. Maybe discuss with her the idea of telling all her peers via snapchat what she said to her little step sister?

Qs333 · 21/04/2018 17:50

Maybe she is projecting, she said your mother is dead because maybe she feels her own mother is gone to her. I.e. Not paying close enough attention to her needs

Smeddum · 21/04/2018 17:51

@colditz while I fully agree about her behaviour being dreadful and absolutely unacceptable there is something very distasteful about using humiliation as a disciplinary technique. It certainly won’t help a young girl who is already lashing out verbally and needs immediate consequences but also a lot of support outwith the times she’s being cruel.

peekyboo · 21/04/2018 17:54

This feels like at school when the bully is taken to one side and gets to explain why their own issues make them hurt people but victims are told to ignore them and they'll stop.

Your daughter is being tiptoed around and escalated when her behaviour was going to be challenged - either because she'd been found out this time, or she thought your partner would intervene, which is why she targeted him for abuse and threats.

Mimco · 21/04/2018 17:57

Thanks all.

Yes she did behave this way towards her brothers, in fact I think she was worse. She's got better over the past 4 years or so, just coming out when she's angry.

She said she said it to DP's DD because "she was annoying her"

Smeddum · 21/04/2018 17:59

She said she said it to DP's DD because "she was annoying her"

That is a truly horrific thing to say to a small child because you’re annoyed. What are you doing about it? Because if my DP allowed one of his teenage daughters to say that to our 4 year old I’d flip it completely.

peekyboo · 21/04/2018 18:01

What happened when she was mean to her brothers? Was there a proper consequence or did she get a talking to and they were told it was just her way? And what happens if someone else is mean to her? I expect the sky falls in.

Honestly, it sounds like you've fallen into a pattern of behaviour where she is treated as the victim when she behaves in this way. Cry for help or not, other people have feelings too and have a right to feel safe and happy in their own home.

Smeddum · 21/04/2018 18:02

Does your DPs ex know what was said to their child?

privateporcupine · 21/04/2018 18:04

Did your DP have to carry her inside? Was she refusing to come in? Just asking as you say she was then sent straight to her room, and I assume she went there of her own accord?

cestlavielife · 21/04/2018 18:10

Family therapy. Yes.

Yes call her up on the behaviour but you said she has had therapy before...time to go back. Also try the "how to talk so teens will listen" book for ideas...

Mimco · 21/04/2018 18:23

Yes he had to carry her (punching and kicking) in. She went up to her room herself.

DP's suggested dd writing a letter to his ex explaining why she would say that to a 4 year old. He thinks that kind of consequence will stick in her mind and make her think.

Also taking her phone away for a week.

Smeddum · 21/04/2018 18:26

I think his suggestion works.

At 13 if she’s kicking off to this degree, then she definitely does need some kind of counselling or support to help her manage her emotions. Again, not for one second justifying what she’s done or said, but she sounds like a very mixed up little girl. So for everyone’s sake, you need to address this now.

Didiusfalco · 21/04/2018 18:27

@colditz you sound delightful. Guessing you’ve never worked with teenagers.

colditz · 21/04/2018 18:32

Actually I used to volunteer with the Youth Offending Service. I was very good at it too, because I wasn't a complete wet blanket or a psycho drill sergeant.

Teenagers need firm boundaries and they need them ENFORCED. Or they end up in the YOS, being seen once a week by people like me because their parents have failed miserably to enforce the idea that you cannot stab/stalk/stamp on someone when you don't get your own way or are pissed off and hormonal.

Oblomov18 · 21/04/2018 18:35

Wait till the ex finds out, what dd has said to the 4 year old.
She will go spare. Rightly so.
Are you prepared for that?

Biologifemini · 21/04/2018 18:37

She sounds very hurt and this is classic attention seeking behaviour but st least it isn’t happening in school.
Give her time and space and check she isn’t being bullied.
Otherwise it is likely down to the extreme disruption and being abandoned by her father. She will need lots of time but you may have to accept she just won’t get over this.

Smeddum · 21/04/2018 18:39

Teenagers need firm boundaries and they need them ENFORCED

Absolutely right. Spot on. Humiliation in front of peers is not “firm boundaries”, it’s awful. And lazy.

colditz · 21/04/2018 18:44

telling a four year old child her mother is dead isn't mean, it's abuse. It needs STOPPING, not gently explaining. And yes, I'd utterly humiliate a 13 year old who was abusing a 4 year old if she didn't stop. And as this is a pattern of behaviour for her, she's clearly behaved like this before and not stopped.

It needs to STOP.

Smeddum · 21/04/2018 18:46

Yes it does. Absolutely it does, I have never questioned that. But stopping abuse by becoming an abuser is never right. And humiliating a child because you can’t be arsed to actually parent is abuse.

Sammy901 · 21/04/2018 18:46

I think you need to get some more counselling for her and put some firm boundary’s in place. What she said to her step sister is absolutely vile and defo deserves a punishment and not to go under the radar.

I’m guessing as well that since your partner has been to court to get some sort of access for his DD that when the mum finds out she will go mental, and I don’t blame her one bit. I’d be fuming if someone was telling my poor dd that I was dead.

Mimco · 21/04/2018 18:47

DP's ex is a nasty violent person. I was shocked at the things she confessed to in court regarding her treatment of DP during the relationship and also her care (neglect) of her DD.

She also lied to social services telling them that I'd hit her child. I didn't and never would. I'm against smacking. She has also called me all sorts of names.

DP's dd told me on her last visit (in front of dd) that she didn't like me. When dd said that wasn't a very nice thing to say she said 'daddy's my daddy and not your daddy anyway'. I think this incident upset dd.

colditz · 21/04/2018 18:48

Parenting hasn't worked. The child's behaviour is utterly disgusting. If she thinks she's justified she won't mind people being told about it, will she?

I don't know whether this has occurred to the OP, but her partner is about to lose his daughter permanently, because nobody will send their 4 year old anywhere where they are treated like that.