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Original poster

13 year old DD saying awful things to other children.... Please help!

173 replies

CelestialBean · 21/04/2018 16:21

DD s 13. DP has a 4 year old DD who stays with us but doesn't live with us.

We had a lot of stress with DP's ex and have just been through a massive and very stressful court case. DD was aware of how difficult and stressful it was.

DD has a habit of saying very spiteful things when she is annoyed or upset. So yesterday she told DP's DD that her mother was dead......

DP's DD asked me if it was true, luckily she doesn't really understand the concept and I was able to explain that of course she's not and that she's absolutely fine.

DP was furious with my DD (as was I). DP didn't shout at her, he left it for me to deal with her which i was glad of. DD then stormed to the bottom of the garden and howled loudly. DP had to carry her into the house at 9pm (sent straight to her room) where she drew all over her face and arms in red pen and wrote him a note saying how horrible he is and he makes her want to kill herself and has done many times....

She is a bit sheepish and quiet today. DP is still very angry. He's asked how I plan to punish her.

She's had therapy before after her father left to live 200 miles away and start a new family a year ago. She was very upset about this and had lots of rages where she'd threaten to hurt herself or jump out of a window. She has calmed down a lot since though.

OP posts:
colditz · 21/04/2018 18:50

"DP's dd told me on her last visit (in front of dd) that she didn't like me. When dd said that wasn't a very nice thing to say she said 'daddy's my daddy and not your daddy anyway'. I think this incident upset dd."

Your daughter is THIRTEEN, not six. Your partner's daughter is behaving in an age appropriate way. the way YOUR daughter is behaving is emotionally abusive to a preschool child, and is borderline criminal. Please wake up and stop making excuses like "I think this incident upset DD"

Smeddum · 21/04/2018 18:52

Great, so the wee girl has a crap time in both houses?

Your DD needs to know that a 4 year old doesn’t have the reasoning or understanding to stop what she says. Your DD at 3 times her age, does.

Do you understand how awful what your DD said was? Really understand? Because if you sit back and allow this to happen it won’t get better, and since your primary concern appears to be your DD, it won’t get better for her either.

Smeddum · 21/04/2018 18:54

@colditz so because the parent has failed the child must be the one to bear those consequences too? Why not ground her, remove all privileges for a week, bollock her and let her know that her behaviour is disgusting and will not be tolerated?

Because from what I’ve read OP hasn’t tried putting her foot down, bar removing the phone and making excuses for her?

Smeddum · 21/04/2018 18:55

And no, if DP and I were separated and his partner’s child did that and was allowed to do that I wouldn’t send her back.

Mimco · 21/04/2018 19:11

I don't think I have 'failed' my daughter.

I have already said that her phone is being removed for a week. Me and DP are deciding what else we should do.

I'm not happy about DD writing to the mother for the reasons stated in my last post.

Mimco · 21/04/2018 19:13

Thank you for all the helpful posts. It is a difficult situation.

As I said, I don't feel I have 'failed' my child or that she is 'bordering on criminal'.

Mimco · 21/04/2018 19:14

And I also seriously doubt DP is 'about to lose his daughter permanently' Hmm

Smeddum · 21/04/2018 19:15

You have consistently (since the first post) excused and minimised these outbursts, haven’t considered your DPs little DD in all of it, and aren’t prepared to come down hard on the spiteful behaviour. In fact even calling it spiteful is minimising, it is outright cruel.

I used failed in the context of failing to deal with the behaviour, because you have failed to deal with it. Because I was actually defending your daughter against a poster suggesting that to humiliate her to her friends was the right course of action!

You need to get a handle on this, fast. And to be honest, your DP should have a say, because it’s his child (who by your reckoning already has a shit time at her Mum’s house) who has been hurt.

Smeddum · 21/04/2018 19:16

So I didn’t say you’d failed your daughter, I said you’d failed to deal with her behaviour. Which is plainly true.

colditz · 21/04/2018 19:18

WOuld you have seriously sent your daughter, at four, to a house where she was being verbally abused by a teenager? Where she was told her mother was DEAD?

Because it's not a reasonable thing to expect to tolerate, is it? You only seem to think it's ok because it's your spoilt precious doing it - I'm sure if the shoe was on the other foot you'd be baying for blood. If it were my four year old she would not be coming to your house any more, and if I were your partner, and I had to deal with your horribly behaved daughter, I would LEAVE you if you didn't get your act together and stop her abusing my own four year old.

Smeddum · 21/04/2018 19:19

@colditz I think you’re using very inflammatory language about a child. Which really isn’t helpful.

Smeddum · 21/04/2018 19:20

Although I agree that if my DPs child did that to my 4 yo and didn’t take immediate action and come down hard, I’d be gone, with my children.

Mimco · 21/04/2018 19:22

I have posted asking for advice on how to deal with it. I would say that is dealing with it. Clearly what I have been doing isn't working.

Explaining what has happened to dd isn't minimising the situation. I'm giving background information on dd's state of mind and why she may be behaving the way she is. This may be helpful in working out the best way to deal with her.

colditz · 21/04/2018 19:22

She told a four year old her mother is dead

SHE TOLD A FOUR YEAR OLD THAT HER MUMMY DIED

You seem oblivious to a) the seriousness of the effects of abusing a four year old this way b) the fact that your thirteen year old has abused a four year old this way and c) what this says about your thirteen year old.

I do not know another teenager who would treat a 4 year old child like that, and as a parent of teenagers, I know a lot of teenagers. It's WORRYING.

MarvelleGazelle · 21/04/2018 19:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mimco · 21/04/2018 19:23

Colditz - wow, not even going to engage in this with you.

colditz · 21/04/2018 19:23

I am, Smeddum, you're right, but to be honest I am using inflammatory language in an attempt to drive home to this teenager's mother what the teenager has actually done.

colditz · 21/04/2018 19:24

I'm not sure disengaging is a pattern of behaviour that's helpful to you, Mimco, you might want to change it.

Didiusfalco · 21/04/2018 19:25

colditz I think your experience with y.o is possibly colouring your response, and I’ve worked with adult offenders so I know where you’re coming from, but I think you are talking about going nuclear on a thirteen year old who may be struggling. In addition what you suggest sounds like countering bad behaviour with further bad behaviour from an adult, when surely modelling a good and adult response to difficult emotions and anger is key here not humiliation and going on snap chat as if you were another teenager!

Smeddum · 21/04/2018 19:26

Many posters have said your DD needs support and help (me included), I didn’t say you minimised by saying what she’s been through. You minimised by saying that the 4 yo didn’t understand anyway, and haven’t seemed to grasp the seriousness of it.

People baying for blood or using inflammatory language about your DD are out of order, because she is a mixed up child and needs help and support. But she also needs to know that she cannot continue to behave this way, and wishy washy parenting isn’t the way to do it.

MarvelleGazelle · 21/04/2018 19:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Smeddum · 21/04/2018 19:29

@colditz I fear it’s having the opposite effect and encouraging her to go into defensive mode. I see where you’re coming from, I really do. I’ve got a 4 yo DD and I would be apoplectic if someone said something so cruel and hurtful to her.

privateporcupine · 21/04/2018 19:32

I do agree that saying that to another child... well, spiteful doesn’t begin to cover it. And drawing all over herself... I’ve never heard of that in a child her age. She sounds quite unstable, and I don’t mean that to sound flippant. But it’s quite chilling to imagine this whole scenario playing out.

I really don’t think a phone ban and a stern chat or grounding are going to cut it

MarvelleGazelle · 21/04/2018 19:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
CelestialBean · 21/04/2018 19:37

Smeddum - What I meant by that comment was that luckily she didn't grasp the concept, it would have been all the more awful if she had and had got upset, clearly. That is not trying to minimise it in any way.

flying bird - she turned 13 a few days ago and even then isn't very mature for her age. She doesn't socialise much at all and has always had problems getting on with her peers. She was buried quite badly throughout infant school which I fear has had a pretty detrimental affect. She had therapy last year, I think she needs to go back and I'll be contacting the team on Monday.

OP posts:
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