My boyfriend donated sperm

[Kala101]

Hi I'm looking for some advice as I'm in a crisis state. I met my boyfriend almost a year ago. He told me two months in that he had donated sperm to a sperm bank. Recently we've become serious and I've been so disturbed by this aspect of his past, although he has reassured me that he only sees those offspring as genetic links not a family.

I really want to have kids with the right person and have my own family. I feel this would be so disruptive to a future family. I also feel jealous and disgusted that his sperm was inside these women. I'm too emotional about this.

Yes his donations have led to children but I can't bear to find the number.

It is not your business to find the number. Sorry OP but your bf did an amazing! Your choice is to accept it and move on or walk away!
If the children do decide to meet their biological father then you need to be in a position to accept this!
Honestly, let it go!

To the people saying that biology doesn’t matter and what matters is the person who raised them you are being naive. It does matter. Children do want to know about their biological heritage no matter how much we try and convince ourselves otherwise. That need to know was the basis for the law being changed in order to make it possible for children to be able to trace their biological parents when they turn eighteen.

That doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re going to turn up on the doorstep wanting a daddy when they turn eighteen, but if they e.g. didn’t have good or loving childhoods they may well want more answers or more of a relationship than the donor anticipated. And any children born to the donor subsequent to the donations will be their half siblings. they may well want to pursue a relationship with these individuals.

And no-one has said that they don’t like the man. I wouldn’t have a child through donation and I have personal views on it, but that doesn’t make what he did wrong, but it does entitle the OP (or anyone else). To not want a relationship (or children) with a man who already has biological children out there who might come looking some years down the track.

Wow, what an interesting thread. I disagree with a pp who said it was pointless OP. If you need to work out your thoughts and feelings, this is a good start.

I completely agree with those that say that you should by no means feel guilty or bad about your feelings. They are of course valid. It does not automatically mean that you have to leave your partner, but you should certainly pause for some soul searching before starting a family with him. I would advise counselling for you as a couple as well. It may lead to you splitting up anyway, or it may lead to a better relationship and future where you can accept that what is done is done and that you can live with all the unknown consequences.

Personally, I find it disturbing that people who donated eggs/sperm feel that the resulting children have nothing to do with them/are not theirs. Where is the consideration for the feelings of the potential children of your donation. Or the feelings of the children that you do see as your own - they surely will have some as well - even if the children conseived by doner sperm/eggs never make contact. I do understand why those who have had to use sperm or egg donations do not feel comfortable with thinking of the donor as a parent of their children, but it just doesn’t matter so much how either the donor or donor recipients feel about the situation. What really counts is surely how the resulting children feel. Nobody can predict that. I feel certain that if I had been adopted or been conceived with help of a sperm/egg donation, I would absolutely want to find out about my biological parent, possibly even make a connection with them and with the family that was connected to them (i.e. my half siblings, grandparents, uncles/aunts etc.). Is that not the reason (or part of it) why the law changed with regards to donor anonymity - because biology IS an important part of where we come from/our identity?

This is beside the point and I will probably get flamed for this but: why are so many people viewing sperm donation as such an altruistic act? What your DP said about liking the idea that his genetic material was out there is not altruistic. Making money of this is not altruistic. I completely understand that if you rely on donations you are grateful beyond measure to the person who enabled you to have children, but I would very much wonder how many donors are truly in it out of purely altruistic reasons. This is different to a female egg donation I think as it is much more of a procedure. But even there, I would not automatically assume it is all for altruistic reasons.

@DiamondsBestFriend you put it much better than I!

Iputthescrewinthetuna

Excellent username

“I do understand why those who have had to use sperm or egg donations do not feel comfortable with thinking of the donor as a parent of their children, but it just doesn’t matter so much how either the donor or donor recipients feel about the situation. What really counts is surely how the resulting children feel. Nobody can predict that. I feel certain that if I had been adopted or been conceived with help of a sperm/egg donation, I would absolutely want to find out about my biological parent, possibly even make a connection with them and with the family that was connected to them (i.e. my half siblings, grandparents, uncles/aunts etc.). Is that not the reason (or part of it) why the law changed with regards to donor anonymity - because biology IS an important part of where we come from/our identity?‘“

As mentioned on this thread I am a parent to a donor conceived child. Lots of people go abroad for egg donor IVF (it’s often much cheaper) but I never considered it because I wanted our child to have the option to trace the donor if he wants to.

I still don’t think that makes the donor his ‘parent’. But as you say he may see things differently and we have always tried to act in his best interests and give him that choice to look for the donor and/or half genetic siblings.

And yes, that’s my understanding of why the law was changed too. Very much a good thing in my opinion.

southpacificgoat I don’t believe that it’s an altruistic act either. In fact it used to be common for students esp medical students to donate sperm in order to make some quick cash. It’s different for women obviously and requires a lot more thought and planning and is more invasive so I imagine there probably is more altruism at play when it comes to egg donation. But for men it’s just a quick wank into a cup and bingo, a couple of hundred quid and you’re done.

In fact that is born out by the fact that when the law changed to allow the children of donors to trace their biological parents the donor rate dropped significantly to the point that we now have a shortage of donors in this country.

But I imagine that someone who uses donated sperm having been through male factor infertility doesn’t want to think of that donation as purely a wank into a cup because of what they have personally been through in order to reach the point of having to use donated sperm in the first place, iyswim. Hence why people prefer to think of it as altruistic.

The fact of being paid doesn't negate altruism...? You can be paid for something and still have an altruistic motive...

Is nursing selfish because nurses are paid? Or can you allow that a nurse may be motivated by both altruism AND the need to have money...?

Folk really love their black and white thinking eh.

thanks for all the messages.

I'm still not sure how I feel about this as I feel different each day. Somedays I think I can live with this and other days I feel I can't bear it anymore.

He said it was partly altruistic at this stage in life because he did feel people who are that willing to have kids would give them good families. And no you don't get paid anything except the transportation costs. There is no money involved at all at least in the UK, it's the law.

Yanbu.

I wouldn’t be comfortable knowing my children had half siblings that they may never get to meet. Or even worse, meet and be unaware.

I feel that people around me who tell me to get over it haven't thought this through. I would also be ok I guess if I never thought about any of this and just kept living ordinarily. This is something that has very long-term consequences.

I'm still not sure how I feel about this as I feel different each day. Somedays I think I can live with this and other days I feel I can't bear it anymore.

Again. You would be a fool to try to continue a relationship with someone whose actions you can, at best, "live with", and even then only some of the time.

Please stop dithering and just end it. You cannot talk yourself out of being disgusted by a partners past. Let the poor man go. Be kind.

I have no objections to sperm or egg donation per say but I never thought I'd be in this situation to think about this so deeply. I believe infertility is cruel which is why many people donate once they have kids or in the process of doing so. I know I sound hypocritical here. I have a friend whose cousin was adopted but within the family. Her uncle donated their first born child to his sister. She got to know about this when her biological father died and she seemed to love her parents all the same.

My partner has no objection if I donated eggs or want to do so in future. He thinks it'd be great and he is usually a very giving person. If he was a jerk I'd have obviously broken up with him but seeing how much he cares and tries to make it work and how I feel attached to him, it's hard to just leave. And I do believe he has a right to family and he should have the opportunity to raise his kids. In fact he talks a lot about parenting. I hope my conundrum is clearer now.

Your initial post about being disgusted at his sperm was a bit odd but I can totally understand why the fact he has children out there who could come knocking at your door in 18 years would make you rethink the relationship x

Op, can I ask you what it is bothering you? Your bf sends like a giving person?
Is in fact not that he will/might have biologically fathered children before you, but the not knowing if they will one day find him? Sometimes not knowing is harder than it is when it actually happens?

Op I think you need to have a good think about what you want in the long run.. if it’s a red line you need to walk.

I personally wouldn’t be happy knowing there’s X amount of kids out there that could turn up any day after they turn 18, exspecially if we had children. No matter how you look at it, these children would be siblings to any kids you had together.

It’s the same reason I would never donate any of my eggs even though I have finished having my own kids. As far as I’m concerned any children born from my eggs would be my children, I would be the biological mother however someone else painted it, it wouldn’t matter to me that someone else carried it and even raised it, they would be there parent yes but I’d be there bio mother. Lots of people would disagree but it’s how I’d feel.

It doesnt matter why it is a dealbreaker, if its a dealbreaker for you OP then that is what it is. You need to decide and break it off if it is.

I have friends who will not date men with kids, that is their line. It isnt my line but i wont try and convince them they are wrong because there is no wrong.

I think he did a wonderful thing and should be praised. You have taken this good thing and dug out the negatives and for you to consider leaving over this is astounding. But perhaps it is best for both of you if you do

It's not astounding in the slightest. Dismissing legitimate concern about something as significant as multiple children potentially wanting relationships in the future as digging out the negatives totally fails to understand the potential magnitude of the situation. It's actually rather offensive to pretend these human beings aren't a pretty big deal.

People seem have skipped over the part early on where you hinted you had a tough family life. Were they very religious too by any chance? Just something about the way you write makes me wonder.

Have you ever talked to a counsellor about your childhood and unpicked what's going on?

This does seem an overreaction to me (despite vaguely getting where you're coming from), and the fixating on dark thoughts can't be helpful for your mental health.

I'd be considering ending the relationship too I think, for both of your sakes, while you work out what's really frightening you here?

My donor conceived son says: "I have zero interest in finding my 'father'. I know I'm genetically related to him but he is just a donor to me - he isn't my dad. And I'm glad my mum chose to use a donor because I wouldn't be here otherwise."

' it's hard to just leave. And I do believe he has a right to family and he should have the opportunity to raise his kids. In fact he talks a lot about parenting. I hope my conundrum is clearer now.'

No, it isn't. It's not a conundrum at all. Either you're okay with dating someone who has kids, as he has, or not. Drawing it out and carrying on with someone with whom you are fundamentally incompatible is not a conundrum, it's a waste of everyone's time. You already said you should have broken up with him 2 months in when he told you (I would have, because back when I was single and childfree, any man with kids anywhere was a total dealbreaker for me) but you didn't and have gone on to waste another 10 months of your life and his.

This is a no-brainer. You 'just leave'. If you're not living together, it's quite simple. 'This isn't working for me.' Because you don't need counselling, you need to move on as you'll never accept this. That's doesn't make you a bad person. But continuing to waste each other's time is very immature, silly and drama-seeking.

Hi, I am in the same situation and I understand your concerns- I am also feeling bad about my thoughts. It would be interesting to know what happened in the one year after your post. Did you decide to break up?

@Scrabblingforsanity

Welcome to the tea-spitter society

I agree that was priceless @AnduinsGirl 😂😂😂