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Original poster

My boyfriend donated sperm

233 replies

Kala101 · 19/04/2018 19:58

Hi I'm looking for some advice as I'm in a crisis state. I met my boyfriend almost a year ago. He told me two months in that he had donated sperm to a sperm bank. Recently we've become serious and I've been so disturbed by this aspect of his past, although he has reassured me that he only sees those offspring as genetic links not a family.

I really want to have kids with the right person and have my own family. I feel this would be so disruptive to a future family. I also feel jealous and disgusted that his sperm was inside these women. I'm too emotional about this.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 19/04/2018 21:47

You need to end this. You are incompatible. That's fine.

QforCucumber · 19/04/2018 21:48

I find the fact you have looked into it so far to find out, filled in those forms and jumped through those hoops really shows that you'll never be ok and let it go, instead - now you know that 2 children have come from it you'll hold those against him forever, they're stuck in your head. What if he can't rather children with you? Will you throw it back at him that he was able to as a donor?

I think, for your own mental health, you need to move on from him and the relationship.

Pannacott · 19/04/2018 21:51

I can see why it could be a struggle. It's both true that yes, he has done a wonderful generous thing, and that this could have serious repercussions if you stay with him.

He says he'd meet them once for coffee. I think that is a very weird thing for him to say, and troubling in itself. He has no idea how he might feel if charming, successful, fascinating, young people who look very much like him, and see him as their father, walk into his life. Or confused, troubled young people desperate for guidance, who have suffered already. He might find it much much harder to walk away than he anticipates, and the fact he is fobbing you off on this suggests he's either not very emotionally mature and able to support you around this, or is just lying to you to stop you leaving.

I think it's fair enough to approach this situation as if he's already got a family out there. If you feel strongly about not wanting to have a family with someone who already has a family, then yes walk away.

(I think it would be different if he'd donated sperm after you'd got together as that would be a joint decision that you would have had ownership of as well.)

(Also I don't quite get the level of disgust you have about it all - unless it's some kind of displaced anger or jealousy).

Original poster
Kala101 · 19/04/2018 21:51

actually we haven't filled in any forms and we don't know the number. He did go to sperm bank and they said they are not advertising his profile anymore as any of these is possible
-much of it has been used
-family limit has been met
-may be family limit hasn't been met and it's still being used

I find it unbearable to find the number, he was also not interested to find out and said he forgot about it.

OP posts:
PrizeOik · 19/04/2018 21:52

Are you just going to go in circles explaining to yourself why it's ok for you to be disgusted?

Are you trying to get folk to agree with you so that you can feel ok about ending the relationship?

You don't need to explain yourself. You are disgusted by his choices. So end the relationship, grieve it, move on to a brighter day...

Babyblues052 · 19/04/2018 21:52

Wtf is this thread. Deary me. Confused. I understand this may be a deal breaker for you but the way you speak about it is terrible. Also was he a virgin before he met you? Because if not then are you jealous of everyone he has had sex with because not only has his sperms went in other women but so has his penis!! Dum dum dum ShockShock

Seriously though you should do some more research into sperm donation. It really is an amazing thing. Plus this is his past, you're having a very extreme reaction to something that happened before you were even in the picture, he didn't do it behind your back. He's done absolutely nothing wrong.

helpmum2003 · 19/04/2018 21:54

Kala101

I think you have a right to your opinion and others will disagree. It could potentially affect you and your children in the future.

If you cannot come to terms with it then end the relationship.

Original poster
Kala101 · 19/04/2018 21:55

He told me that he finds this idea ridiculous that any of those might think he is their 'father'. He is very pro-family and feels they have parents. He sees 18 year olds as adults who are in a way past parenting.

Also he said he wants to have his own family. It was one of the reasons he broke up twice in the past as those women didnt want to have kids/kept delaying. He said if he never has a family donor conceived kids would be a consolation. His parents said that a donor is being like a doctor. They're quite old and seem cool with all this and seem desperate for a grandkid they can play with. I feel this is all relevant and makes me feel so ambiguous. Few people see it the way I see it.

OP posts:
privateporcupine · 19/04/2018 21:55

Which woman would want to be with a man with that many children in real life? I'm talking about Western countries.

This is real life. I assume you mean a man who has conceived 20 children naturally and with chosen partners? I don’t think the two possible scenarios are comparable.

RBBMummy · 19/04/2018 21:57

He is right

expatinscotland · 19/04/2018 22:00

It doesn't matter, Kala, you don't have to justify yourself or how you feel, he's not right for you and you're not right for him.

'I've done a lot of thinking and this relationship is no longer working for me. We're not compatible on a serious level so it's best for both of us if we end this and move on.' And that's IT. That's all that needs said. He is asks if it's the sperm donor thing, you just say, 'Yes. It's not something I can have in a relationship in which there may be children of my own. Sorry, but it doesn't work for me.' And then you move on.

lunar1 · 19/04/2018 22:01

You will not have a happy life with this man. You are at risk of making the pair of you miserable for the next decade, having a couple of children which will compound your problems before one if you calls it a day.

expatinscotland · 19/04/2018 22:02

'He is right'

To him, yes, but other viewpoints are equally valid and don't automatically render the holder a bad person, horrible, barking, jealous, in need of therapy, etc Hmm.

Original poster
Kala101 · 19/04/2018 22:03

It's so hard to think of breaking up because everything else seems great. We are so compatible on other levels that we haven't experienced before.

And someone said I don't need to express all my feelings here. Well I have no one to talk to about this. It's very personal and emotional. This seemed like the right place to come with diverse experiences.

OP posts:
BlondeB83 · 19/04/2018 22:04

From your posts it looks like this is something you are going to struggle to get over OP, I think you need to really think about your future as it sounds like a dealbreaker for you.

Although I think you’re reaction is a bit extreme, I’m not goint to judge as I’ve not been in your permission but for what it’s worth I think your partner did a good thing and probably helped several beautiful babies be brought into the world who all have loving parents already.

BlondeB83 · 19/04/2018 22:04

position

PaulDacreRimsGeese · 19/04/2018 22:04

He can think it as ridiculous as he likes. His views will mean the square root of fuck all if one of the children feels differently. And he, and by extension you if you're together then, will have to deal with that.

And really, whether sperm donation is a wonderful selfless thing here isn't the point. There are oodles of things that are brilliant that a person might reasonably not want in a life partner.

expatinscotland · 19/04/2018 22:05

You are not compatible. Stop wasting each other's time.

BlondeB83 · 19/04/2018 22:05

I don’t think this would present any kind of threat to your relationship. Would him having children already have been a dealbreaker for you? Do you have self-esteem/trust issues?

Original poster
Kala101 · 19/04/2018 22:08

I've thought a lot about this. I've only discussed this 2 people. One of my friends who has older kids told me that it doesn't matter, look at the individual, as kids are already independent at 13-14. In the end you two will be left alone. At that point she somehow made me feel comfortable. But I don't know why I keep getting sucked back into this big hole again and again. I do wish I was cool.

OP posts:
Bear2014 · 19/04/2018 22:09

He chose to do this. You can choose to be with him or not. Passing judgement on how the sperm bank conducts its business or how others build their families is a pointless exercise.

Original poster
Kala101 · 19/04/2018 22:10

BlondeB83 yes probably but maybe because I'm not that old. May be if I was meeting later in life it wouldn't matter. I was definitely not looking for someone with kids, same for him. He was looking for a partner without kids too. For him the sperm donation thing is irrelevant.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kala101 · 19/04/2018 22:12

Bear2014 if people didn't discuss these issues like how an industry works then it's possible that sperm donation would still be anonymous or that there would be no sperm donation at all. This is how policies are made through debate and discussion.

Our feelings are valid too.

OP posts:
Pannacott · 19/04/2018 22:21

He told me me that he finds this idea ridiculous that any of those might think he is their 'father'.
Well that's just shutting you up. Can he really not imagine that they might think he's their father? What if they do think that though?

He is very pro-family and feels they have parents. He sees 18 year olds as adults who are in a way past parenting.
Ask any parent of an over 18 year old if they are 'past parenting'.

He said if he never has a family donor conceived kids would be a consolation.
*This makes a lot more sense but is more unsettling unfortunately. He does actually see them as his children. This man has a great need to be a father. This is why he doesn't want you to leave, but also partly why he donated spent in the first place. He's not going to turn away these children if / when they track him down.
*
I feel this is all relevant and makes me feel so ambiguous. I'm not surprised!

Original poster
Kala101 · 19/04/2018 22:27

I do want to believe him when he says he's not a 'father'. He's a scientist and feels that there is some scientific to have your genetic material there.

We did discuss different scenarios and he said that we should have a policy and write it down and then follow it and that's what he is exactly going to do. It's scary because until now he has done almost everything to be with me. If I said don't meed those kids he won't but I don't want to say it obviously.

OP posts: