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Original poster

My boyfriend donated sperm

233 replies

Kala101 · 19/04/2018 19:58

Hi I'm looking for some advice as I'm in a crisis state. I met my boyfriend almost a year ago. He told me two months in that he had donated sperm to a sperm bank. Recently we've become serious and I've been so disturbed by this aspect of his past, although he has reassured me that he only sees those offspring as genetic links not a family.

I really want to have kids with the right person and have my own family. I feel this would be so disruptive to a future family. I also feel jealous and disgusted that his sperm was inside these women. I'm too emotional about this.

OP posts:
Bear2014 · 19/04/2018 21:20

I'm really sorry for calling you 'barking', OP. I can understand why the donations bother you, on the basis of there being children out there fathered by him. Just out of interest though, does it play on your mind his sperm having been inside his ex or someone he might have had a fling with? As a lesbian, I mentally had to distance myself from the sperm being actual sperm when I had my IUI, and having researched it I did realise that it bears no resemblance to 'ejaculate', not that you ever even really see it as the amount used is so tiny.

Original poster
Kala101 · 19/04/2018 21:20

Thanks everyone for all different opinions.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kala101 · 19/04/2018 21:23

No, I don't care about him having had sex with anyone, that's not on my mind at all.

The thing that disgusts me is the idea of spreading genetic material.

OP posts:
alltheworld · 19/04/2018 21:23

Yanbu. As far as I can tell no donor conceived children have posted on this thread. It is possible that the children conceived with his sperm will be in touch. He will not be their legal father but there will be a biological connection with him and half siblings. How that will play out no one can know.

SparklyMagpie · 19/04/2018 21:23

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Beautifulbridie · 19/04/2018 21:23

Let’s hope you don’t have issues getting pregnant yourself when the time comes then you might look at donation differently. I honestly think it is one of the most selfless acts someone can do for people struggling to get pregnant. You should be proud of him

Bear2014 · 19/04/2018 21:25

Ok because in your OP it really sounds like it's the idea of the actual sperm being inside the women that bothers you as well. No one can tell you how to feel about the complex donation issues but donor recipients can clarify the physical aspects of it.

Addictedtohavingbabies · 19/04/2018 21:30

Some of these posts have been bizarre, with the intention of upsetting OP and being unnecessarily nasty.
How snide some of you are.
How many of us would really sit comfortably with the fact that our partners could have multiple genetic children out there with multiple women?
Also it's highly likely that any children OP has with her partner will have siblings that they will never know which affects the whole dynamic of the family.

MissTeri · 19/04/2018 21:31

YANBU. I don't know for sure how I would feel if I was with someone who had donated sperm (although my ex certainly spread his around like wildfire since we split so ...). There is a group (I mentioned on another thread earlier) called DNA Detectives on Facebook and some of the people on that group were conceived using donor sperm, some of them have tracked their genetic parent by using Ancestry DNA kits. Even if the donor hasn't done an Ancestry kit they could match to a genetic 1/2 first cousin or uncle/aunt and be able to indentify who their genetic parent is by process of elimination. It makes me feel uneasy because the ones I've seen looking, the donors are meant to be anonymous and this kind of breaches that ... but at the same time surely those children deserve to know (if they so wish) where half of their genetic make up is from?

PrizeOik · 19/04/2018 21:32

If his choices disgust you, it's really simple op, you need to end things.

It doesn't mean he or you is a bad person so don't go in circles about that. It just means you need to break up.

Original poster
Kala101 · 19/04/2018 21:32

I really don't care about the physical aspects of it to be honest. It's the genetic connection that's disturbing.

Another disturbing thing is that people can have kid with an anonymous donor but then want the same donor for another kid. This just increases the number of kids coming from one person which makes it all the more unnatural.

OP posts:
Nofunkingworriesmate · 19/04/2018 21:33

lokisister
If I was in touch with the diblings or donor I supposed I could ask for bone/ blood / organ. Some people have been on the donor sibling registry website for years before a match. At 18 they can have contact details, assuming they are up to date and correct I suppose you can ask. Bit awkward if they refuse

PinkbicyclesinBerlin · 19/04/2018 21:36

I'm surprised at the responses you're getting. I don't know if this would be an issue for me or not, but I can definitely see why someone would struggle with it.

^ this definitely yes

But conflictingly I do think it is wonderful that some people struggling with infertility have options.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 19/04/2018 21:36

Surely it's best that siblings are from the same donor? The most I've heard if is 22 diblings, Ivf is very expensive and then childcare is too, so it is rare that people going through all of that have more than two children , 10 families max

lunar1 · 19/04/2018 21:37

If you think this is disgusting and unethical then he is not the man for you. It doesn't sound like this is something you will get over any time soon.

massi71 · 19/04/2018 21:37

His sperm.

HIS decision.

You need to get a grip my lovely....or leave him, as you appear too invested.

expatinscotland · 19/04/2018 21:40

Kala, this is a total quagmire. For your sake and his, end it.

Bear2014 · 19/04/2018 21:40

'Another disturbing thing is that people can have kid with an anonymous donor but then want the same donor for another kid. This just increases the number of kids coming from one person which makes it all the more unnatural.'

You have the right to not want to continue your relationship, but please don't call it disturbing and unnatural that my donor-conceived children both came from the same donor. Do you really think that people should just pick a new donor when they want to conceive a sibling?

RBBMummy · 19/04/2018 21:40

Ok I'm going to assume not but I'm going to say this in the best way I can as you are starting to give off this vibe a little. Is it the disgusting and unnatural part the high chance gay couples have used his sperm to make a child? I hope not.

Original poster
Kala101 · 19/04/2018 21:41

I deeply regret not breaking up with him when he told me. At that time, I didn't give it much thought. It was only after a year or so that I started researching and found all the information online.

And 10 families 2 children, that's a lot. Which woman would want to be with a man with that many children in real life? I'm talking about Western countries.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kala101 · 19/04/2018 21:43

RBBMummy

this has absolutely nothing to do with gay couples. I have nothing else to say about this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kala101 · 19/04/2018 21:43

The unnatural part is one man having so many biological offspring. If there were 1 or 2 families, I would come to accept it I feel.

OP posts:
RBBMummy · 19/04/2018 21:44

Kala101 ok great. Just the way you were talking started to give off that vibe

Original poster
Kala101 · 19/04/2018 21:46

Bear2014 as you can see it can be potentially disruptive to other people's futures and families. And it means genes do matter a lot? Why would they be lesser siblings if they were only connected by one parent? There are plenty of families like that.

OP posts:
DumbleDee · 19/04/2018 21:46

Absolutely nothing you can do about it. You can't rewrite history.

So deal with it or end it. Unless you want to make his life and your life a misery

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