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Original poster

My boyfriend donated sperm

233 replies

Kala101 · 19/04/2018 19:58

Hi I'm looking for some advice as I'm in a crisis state. I met my boyfriend almost a year ago. He told me two months in that he had donated sperm to a sperm bank. Recently we've become serious and I've been so disturbed by this aspect of his past, although he has reassured me that he only sees those offspring as genetic links not a family.

I really want to have kids with the right person and have my own family. I feel this would be so disruptive to a future family. I also feel jealous and disgusted that his sperm was inside these women. I'm too emotional about this.

OP posts:
sleep5 · 20/04/2018 06:56

If you can't find a way to deal with it then you should break off the relationship.

There are mums who also donate eggs. Donating sperm or eggs is a very altruistic thing to do. And he's been honest with you about it.

There is the possibility that some of them may contact him when they're 18 but he has no financial obligation to them. The children you have with him will be who he sees as his children as they'll have been with him all through their lives.

I honestly think you're making a deal out of nothing. But if you can't get over it you need to break it off and let him find happiness elsewhere.

SVRT19674 · 20/04/2018 07:09

His body his choice. Get over yourself.

SVRT19674 · 20/04/2018 07:10

His body his choice. Get over yourself.

Olddear · 20/04/2018 07:36

I agree with you OP. And expat has said it much better than I could have.

SandyY2K · 20/04/2018 07:39

Does this also mean all those people who have had my DNA passed to them by my blood donations are my children or linked to me by body tissue?

Giving blood does not change their DNA profile as far as their paternity or maternity. Neither does donation of a kidney or bone marrow.

I have a friend who had a baby via egg donation. I'm truly happy for her, but I personally wouldn't marry a man who had sperm donor children.

I think donating eggs is a great and at times totally selfless thing to do.

I'm sure if I had infertility problems or didn't have a partner and desperately wanted a baby I'd think it was a great idea (egg/sperm donation)... but I wouldn't to know that my DH had children somewhere out in the world.

expatinscotland · 20/04/2018 07:53

'BlondeB83 yes probably but maybe because I'm not that old. May be if I was meeting later in life it wouldn't matter. I was definitely not looking for someone with kids, same for him. He was looking for a partner without kids too. For him the sperm donation thing is irrelevant.'

He has kids. That's the bottom line. You're too young to settle on what is such a major thing to you. He's minimising this to keep you. It is relevant to you.

Stop chasing your tail and going round in circles.

'This doesn't work for me.' And move on.

willynillypie · 20/04/2018 08:20

The problem with this thread isn't that the OP has an issue with her bf having been a donor. Despite all the people making personal digs at her, it's completely reasonable to not be thrilled at the idea that, in 15 years time, potentially a dozen children will show up here or there, maybe wanting a relationship. And OP has 0 idea what her partner will really do then. It could drastically alter her life.

The problem with this thread is that it's pointless. This is a red line for you OP, but you are still unwilling to walk away. It's clear that you won't. And therefore there can be no real resolution to this - those children will always be out there, and you cannot predict what will happen in the future. Not sure why anyone (including me, WHY AM I POSTING) are giving you advice etc, because you can't/won't do anything with it and we can't make the situation better for you.

P.s ignore all the people implying you somehow aren't a good person - that's bullshit. You are allowed to feel how you feel.

PaulDacreRimsGeese · 20/04/2018 10:22

Excellent post willynilly.

Pinkvoid · 20/04/2018 10:49

I’m going to go against the grain here and say I can understand why you feel this way.

Whilst he hasn’t had a child within a relationship, he potentially has Fathered one or possibly more children he hasn’t met. Having previous children is a dealbreaker for many people and he potentially does so... You have no idea whether the potential child/ren will find him in a few years too which could upset the dynamics of your relationship/possible family.

I would leave him in all honesty, it’s a difficult thing to get past.

lunar1 · 20/04/2018 11:04

The whole idea of writing a script for how your boyfriend will behave in the future when possibly faced with something he has no idea how he will feel or react to sounds like controlling behaviour on your part.

He can't account to you now on how he will react for the rest of his life and you shouldn't ask him too.

I hope you find the courage to walk away from this situation.

Slitherout · 20/04/2018 11:20

Presumably anyone objecting also wouldn't want a relationship with someone who's fostered children, for even a short time, as they could easily come back as adults wanting more info/a relationship with that person? It's the same sort of level to me, you can't dictate about what someone has done in the past, you can leave if you don't like it but don't judge him on a goodwill act.

PaulDacreRimsGeese · 20/04/2018 11:54

Not that the analogy works but no, I wouldn't be keen on that either. I say this as someone who is considering respite fostering with my DH in a few years time.

A4710Rider · 20/04/2018 12:00

If I could meet your partner for just just two minutes............I would hand him a pair of Nikes, point into the distance and whisper "run, fun as far as you can"

SarahSiddons · 20/04/2018 12:34

“Actually you are their parent. You are their biological mother. Not sure what "part of their DNA" means but if it means something like a cousin or a great grandparent or an ancestor - no you are not like that. You are the biological mother of those children.“

I know this comment wasn’t directed at me but as the mother of a child conceived with a donor egg although I don’t have a genetic relationship with him (if we set aside epigenetics which I’m not overly interested in) I do consider I have a biological link with him. He was placed in my uterus as a day 5 blastocyst and grew there for 9 months. In my mind that gives us a significant biological link. And since then I have raised him exactly the same as I raise my other child.

The donor has a genetic link of course. But I really don’t think she is his ‘mother’.

OP - I hope you’ve found at least some of the comments on this thread helpful. It really is a very personal thing and if your feelings about this are as strong as they sound on this thread then maybe this relationship isn’t meant to be.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 20/04/2018 12:48

I agree entirely with expat .

He told me it was partly to have his genetic material spread in the world

This is what would stick in the back of my mind because it is arrogant. His being the perfect partner, imho, is a long game where he just wants more of his seed planted. And yes again to expat saying he is minimizing your concerns. His claims at how great a family man he will be strikes me as a little too much “salesman” tactics. Imho, it is a false facade.

“This doesn’t work for me” is a perfect line and no other discussion is needed.

Good luck Flowers

Skarossinkplunger · 20/04/2018 13:27

I’m a bit in shock at the people saying it’s ok for you to feel this way and that they would end their relationships. I think it’s disgusting not to like someone who wants to help people in need.

PaulDacreRimsGeese · 20/04/2018 13:41

Very few people have said they wouldn't 'like' him. It's possible to like, even support a particular activity and not choose to have a long term relationship with someone who has engaged in it to the extent that it might well be impacting you and them in decades to come. Very naïve to think otherwise.

ClaryFray · 20/04/2018 13:43

This is what would stick in the back of my mind because it is arrogant. His being the perfect partner, imho, is a long game where he just wants more of his seed planted.

The man gave sperm doesn't mean he isn't trust worthy. Jesus! I've heard it all.

That's the reason biologically we have children isn't it. So part of us lives on after we die, a legacy we leave. Like children to carry on our name. His reasons are his alone. At least he was open.

I think your over reacting and being a tad melodramatic. It's a non issue. It's not like he knocked her up after a drunk night at the pub.

willynillypie · 20/04/2018 15:26

I’m a bit in shock at the people saying it’s ok for you to feel this way and that they would end their relationships. I think it’s disgusting not to like someone who wants to help people in need.

I don't see anyone in this thread saying that they don't like someone for the sperm donation. Everyone is agreeing it's a selfless and wonderful thing to have done. People are saying OP should leave him as she clearly is not comfortable with the potential repercussions of sperm donation. Which is absolutely her right, and not disgusting in the least.

pallisers · 20/04/2018 15:40

That would exclude people who adopt or are step parents from being parents wouldn't it as they have no biological link to the child. You can't have it both ways you know.

No it doesn't exclude adoptive or other parents. I am adopted. My adoptive parents were my parents -my mum and dad. I also have a biological mother and father and no amount of wishful thinking or legal stuff made it any different. Biology matters. When I go to the doctor, I don't give my mum's medical history - I give that of my biological mother. If you donate an egg and it is fertilized and becomes a person - you are the biological mother of that person and that person may well have the a degree of curiosity or emotions about you that you cannot control or even predict. It is not the same as donating blood or plasma.

Huskylover1 · 20/04/2018 16:17

Ooh, so many women on here, that would be absolutely cool with a situation, whereby up to 20 young adults, could turn up on the doorstep in 15-18 years time, wanting to find their biological father. Oh, and if the Op has children with her Partner, these children will be their children's half siblings. Or, if the Op finds that she can't have children, having his biological children pop up, might be incredibly painful. Talk about a head fuck.

And as for those saying that he was selfless and altruistic for donating....you do realise he will have been paid for each and every donation?

Op, if you really love him, and all else is good, I'd just try to forget about it. I would imagine that a lot of these children won't ever be told that the sperm was donated. However, your feelings are totally understandable!!

Huskylover1 · 20/04/2018 16:19

I think it’s disgusting not to like someone who wants to help people in need

Yes, I'm sure it had nothing to do with getting CASH for his sperm. Hmm

Skarossinkplunger · 20/04/2018 17:10

Huskylover by saying that you’ve done a massive disservice to him and every other man who has donated sperm and I’m pretty sure that any woman who he’s helped have a much-wanted child doesn’t give a flying fuck whether he was paid or not.

PaulDacreRimsGeese · 20/04/2018 17:35

Even if literally every single man who had ever donated sperm had purely altruistic reasons for doing so, a very remote possibility, the reality would still be that a person isn't doing anything wrong by not wanting to life partner someone who's engaged/engaging in behaviour that stands to have a significant impact on their life later on.

lizzie1970a · 20/04/2018 17:42

I would feel the same. I agree with what Pallisers has said too. That would be my feeling completely so I could never donate my eggs. I would feel I had children out there and that would be hard for me to bear, not knowing how they were. I also agree with loorollsheep about it being very messy. That would be my view too.

If I'd been in the situation of either me or my partner having trouble to conceive I don't think I would go as far as egg or sperm donations but obviously I've thankfully never experienced that and perhaps the over-riding desire for a child changes your view on that. No judgement but it wouldn't be for me.