My boyfriend donated sperm

[Kala101]

Hi I'm looking for some advice as I'm in a crisis state. I met my boyfriend almost a year ago. He told me two months in that he had donated sperm to a sperm bank. Recently we've become serious and I've been so disturbed by this aspect of his past, although he has reassured me that he only sees those offspring as genetic links not a family.

I really want to have kids with the right person and have my own family. I feel this would be so disruptive to a future family. I also feel jealous and disgusted that his sperm was inside these women. I'm too emotional about this.

I am looking for advice. I met a sperm donor who tried to help me get pregnant via NI back in 2015 but with no luck. At the same time we both developed very strong feelings for each other and kept on seeing and talking to each other regularly. I have invested a lot of emotional time into him. We are in a long distance relationship of sorts now and we get on really but the big problem I have is that he is continuing to donate his sperm to women he meets on online sites. He is currently active on 4/5 different sites at the moment. He keeps telling me that he will stop his subscriptions and leave it behind when it feels natural to do so but he has told me just recently that a lesbian couple contacted him about getting pregnant. He chats to them at length on WhatsApp. He has done both AI and NI with success in the past. He won’t talk to me about his sperm donation only when I press him for information. Can I trust this man and how can I move forward with this relationship with his sperm donor life aspect a big part of him. I might add that I have told him that I would love to try for a baby again but he is in the middle of talking to these lesbians. Please let me know what your thoughts are and don’t hold back!!!

@Earlybird74 This is an old thread so you might get more advice if you make your own thread. I'd give this relationship a miss if I were you. Donating sperm to women he meets on online sites is risky, no genetic testing involved and who knows how many children he has if it's not done through the proper channels. There's supposed to be a limit of 10 families I think if its done via a licensed clinic to prevent things like the children getting together in future. But who knows with this guy, how many are there? Any child you had with him would also have all these as siblings? It doesn't sound like it's something he'd want to stop doing and he's not even putting you first in all of this because he's too busy talking to this other couple! Surely if he felt that strongly about you then your feelings would matter to him. Also I'd be wondering what are his reasons for this behaviour, it's likely self-serving.

@dumdee04 Just to share my experience, in case it helps in any way as I've been in the same situation as the OP. There doesn't seem to be much out there on how to sort of deal with it if you're the partner of someone who has been a previous sperm donor. A couple of years ago my bf told me he'd been a donor via a proper clinic a number of years before meeting me, had 15 children he'd not yet met but they may well decide to contact him when they turn 18 as is the law now. It just came out one night when he was drunk after about 4 months of dating. I also felt really sad as when we first met it said on his dating profile he had no children, I suppose legally he didn't. I was looking for a long term partner and someone to start a family with. By the time I found out I'd already developed feelings for him and I too felt guilty for feeling sad about the sperm donation because I knew overall it was a very good thing that he'd done. He wanted to raise a family of his own in future and I decided I wouldn't break up with him over it because he deserved to have a family of his own just like anybody else especially after giving others the very same thing. I tried to envisage the future when they made contact and did imagine that I would find it difficult but I would cope with it somehow. For the next couple of years I put it out of my mind really, tried to focus on the relationship between us. I figured that if the relationship worked and we were still together in 10-15yrs time then we were meant to be together and it was a part of his life I would need to accept and if we were no longer together then it wouldn't be my issue anymore. Turns out he cheated on me with prostitutes and after I found out he then started emotional abuse tactics and I ended the relationship because of that. So the issue of his sperm donation was no longer mine to deal with. I must admit I am a bit relieved that there won't be a queue of people at my door in 10-15 years time.

I am a ship’s captain and I dredged up an old sperm whale this morning. I would like to donate it to a museum. If anyone knows of any museums that might like a big sperm whale please let me know. Thanks.

Thanks for your sound advice. Everything you said is correct. I have no idea about the extent of his sperm donor life. I can’t trust him so I am going to disappear from his life and try and rebuild my confidence again.

Hey Kala, I had been dating a sperm donor for a while now and while I have no problem with his past donations and think it’s a great thing to do for a woman who are longing for a baby, I am upset at the fact that he has said that he will stop but continues to talk to couples and lesbians about getting pregnant! He knows I want a baby this year and he has not made me his priority at all. This is when it’s gets very twisted for women with sperm donor partners, past or present! It’s a very difficult situation to accept because at the end of the day, this man I know is on 4-5 different sperm donor sites and is talking at length to different women and meeting up with them. Not easy to accept and as it turns out and after a lot of emotional upset, I have told him that we are over.

I would be uneasy about the risk of my children unwittingly dating their half siblings but I’m not sure I see a manuhsbing so many off spring as unethical.

I feel the same as you about the ethical side. It started with him helping a couple he knew who lost a child and that is fine and I have no problem with his donor past but if it is going to affect our relationship and be more important to him in the future then I need to leave him to it!! I am very open minded but I canny handle this anymore.