My boyfriend donated sperm

[Kala101]

Hi I'm looking for some advice as I'm in a crisis state. I met my boyfriend almost a year ago. He told me two months in that he had donated sperm to a sperm bank. Recently we've become serious and I've been so disturbed by this aspect of his past, although he has reassured me that he only sees those offspring as genetic links not a family.

I really want to have kids with the right person and have my own family. I feel this would be so disruptive to a future family. I also feel jealous and disgusted that his sperm was inside these women. I'm too emotional about this.

It's an interesting thread.
Your feelings a valid but if you don't agree with the number of offspring he has you shouldn't continue with the relationship.
My husband has donated and if offspring come to find him then we will welcome them with open arms, if they don't we won't worry about it. He made the decision and I feel that it was a wonderful thing to give other people an option - we know a lot of friends with fertility issues.
One thing you really need to consider-
I get that he says one coffee and then he won't see them again - but in 15 years or so time he doesn't know how he will feel, he might have a coffee and then find they have a connection and stay in touch, how would you/him feel then?

gg5891 I would feel terrible if he felt a connection and stay in touch but he says that would focus on protecting his own family and he is ready to follow a written down script for that. He has mentioned several times that we should write it down and it would be final but I just feel too emotional about this.

Even if I didn't mind my partner having donated, his attitude would concern me. Just dismissing the possibility of any of the children viewing him as a father figure seems very naive. It's a risk. He doesn't seem to have thought much about the implications of his decision.

gg5891 thanks for sharing that your husband donated. Do you mind me asking under what circumstances?

Have my first op. For his sake I suggest you end the relationship and then pray that you never have to deal with male factor infertility because it is a shitty, shitty thing.

You both thought you weren't looking for someone to have children with, and you both changed your mind. It really doesn't matter that he's a scientist, scientists can't predict the future, and the evidence shows you that people change their minds. He is having a failure of imagination (not a good look for a scientist!)

The idea of some contract of behaviour that he will follow no matter what, is ridiculous. I wonder if this is partly what us making you do uneasy - he's making promises that you instinctively know are unrealistic. He can't make you be the one to make all the decisions about his to manage a return of these children into your lives. Perhaps if he could be more realistic about what might happen, it would be easier to get your head around it?

Sure, when he was at university a slightly older friend of his was in a car accident which left him infertile. My husband knew how much they had wanted children and took an interest in the process of IVF. They conceived through IVF a couple of years later and my husband (then boyfriend) wanted to give people that opportunity. We weren't serious at the time so I didn't say anything. He donated again not long before we got engaged and I'm really proud of him for the option he has given other people. We are expecting our first (rainbow baby) now, which to him is his first child. But we will always be accepting of anyone else who comes along.

Pannacott we were actually looking for someone to have kids with, very much so.

He has done so much for me and is ready to just follow what I say, so I do believe that he will do what we write. It's just that it all feels so weird and unreal. I never imagined myself in this situation. Sorry if I'm making no sense.

gg5891 that's nice and it's very mature of you. I really wish I was like you and get on with my life. I feel so conflicted, like I feel what if we have 15 or so wonderful years ahead and should I let it all go and whether I'll ever find a man again who'll have all the qualities he has and that I'll feel attracted to.

And seeing him with baby fever makes me feel guilty. He's getting older, late 40s and I feel I should decide soon so if not me he should find someone else to have a family with. But he insists on trying and make it work with me.

Don't make the decision. He has to make the decision so that he can't resent you for it at a later date. He has to be the one to make the choices, and you both need to understand that you could easily change your minds later, and if he does and wants to see them how will you feel then - especially if you have a child of your own?

"Disgusted"? Really? Why?

Well, you do sound very very invested in each other, which is great. Could you go to some couples counselling together, to talk this through in a more supportive situation?

He probably needs to be a bit more realistic, and a bit more emotionally aware than just saying what he thinks you want to hear, which places a lot of burden on you, and doesn't help you with your feelings.

And it sounds like you need a bit of help to really track down what your specific worries are, and for him to support you around that. Like, if these children came into his life, would you feel partly sad about him turning his back on them? Because if he could to it to them could he do it to your children? Would you worry that he would resent you? See them behind your back? Love your own children less? Him just saying 'no none of this will happen, don't worry, it'll be fine, I'll do what you want' isn't going to help you feel better because it just doesn't feel like a good enough solution to the problem. But he's probably scared to say anything else in case he thinks it will make you leave. So you're both stuck in this difficult situation.

Sometimes couples therapy can help you both feel safe enough to talk about your deeper fears without ending up lost in a panic mode, and shutting down thinking. It does sound like there is a lot of goodness in your relationship, so it's worth doing what you can to work through this?

I think this organisation is good, it's London based but does webcam sessions too. tavistockrelationships.org/relationship-help/relationship-counselling-service

Or there are couples therapists everywhere really. Good luck.

You

I haven't read the thread in detail but I think you are right to be very cautious. I am the child of a sperm donor and it has caused me huge heartache. I traced my father using dna testing but he doesn't want to know me. I was an only child growing up but now i have at least ten half-siblings (and those are just the ones I know of). My dad was always quite distant and I realised why when I found out he wasn't my real dad. Honestly, I see some people saying it's really wonderful but it's very, very messy in real life.

I have name changed and won't be coming back on the thread because I have seen the pile-ons that happen when someone disagrees with the majority.

loorollsheep thanks for writing on this thread.

I'm sorry for your situation but to be honest, my father is very distant and he is my biological father who raised me. So, it could happen to anyone. I also try to distance myself anything that I feel came in my personality through my father. I try to deny my genetic heritage, that's quite opposite to your situation.

And now that I think about it it's kind of clearer. Your sperm donor doesn't think of you as family. My partner feels the same way. He never donated with a view to seeing those offspring as his family.

I know it's a silly thing to say but think about it as if you weren't donor conceived. Many people raise adopted foster kids and they aren't biologically related. It's a pity that my partner has this fantasy that he was making only happy families and only thought from the perspective of parents who needed the donation but not the resulting children.

Our real fathers are the ones who raised us, despite the fact that they were distant. It's just that you had this alternate option of believing that your sperm donor may be able to make up for it. I didn't have this option.

biologically they would be half brothers to our own children, but emotionally they would be no more to him or me than someone we passed in the street.

This would be why I would be highly unlikely to enter into a relationship with a man who donated sperm. I couldn't bear the thought that he didn't have an emotional connection to his children and found it easy to do so.

And they are his children. He can certainly think they are not. No one can say what his children will think or feel.

I can see how it is good for families/individuals who don't want to adopt that there are sperm donors/egg donors. I can't imagine knowing there was a child or mine - or children of mine - out there in the world that I knew nothing about - that I couldn't help if they needed help. Not for me so I would not get involved with someone who thinks like this.

I know a boy that is truly fucked up because his father was a sperm donor.

I wouldn't like to be in your shoes op.

I donated eggs altruistically 4 times and understand that from those four times 3 couples went on to have children from my ova....this was over 20 years ago. Have I been contacted ? No
will I ever be contacted? Who knows but when I signed the paperwork I decided I wasn't against those prospective children contacting me should they ever wish too.
Why donate? I saw friends struggle with fertility and realised that I could help others have a chance at having a child that otherwise they wouldn't get
Why contact? Why not ? I'm not their parent I'm am part of their DNA and that's all, what if, despite the endless genetic testing I went through they needed more family history due to a genetic problem or worse still needed familial Bone Marrow due to cancer? I couldn't deny that to anyone so why some one who I supported their parents to bring into this world.

I donate blood too and signed up for bone marrow but never been called.....but happy do do so

I also have 2 Step Children and have no issue with my partners sperm being used to create them

You need to step back and analyse what YOUR issues are and WHY

And if I'm being brutally honest ? I think this guy needs a loving supportive caring partner who honks of others before themselves

Kala I don’t think yabu at all. I’m completely with you in principle.

I would not be happy with some random kids turning up in 15 years time messing up my family life.

It’s all well and good him saying now that he will see them once for a coffee and that’s it but you don’t know how he will feel when the time comes.

I’d end the relationship as it’s a red line for me. I think you should end it too.

I think it's natural to get a little bit of a shock and feel a little bit "Ohhh...that's odd. How do I feel about this?"

However, your partner acted responsibly by telling you early in the relationship.

I think you need to ask yourself, is it really this that is making you freak out, or are there other issues in the relationship and the sperm donor thing is just bringing all your anxiety to the fore?

One thing you might think about: suppose your boyfriend had an identical twin brother? The children of that twin would be (just about) as closely related to your boyfriend as any children that you and he had together. Would that make you feel jealous?

I actually feel for OP. I think a lot of people are irritated by her emotions as this is a “motherhood” forum with many who have struggled to conceive or know of someone who has. This is a forum where fertility and shared fertility like sperm is prized.

However, OP didn’t necessarily mention that sperm backs were bad, she just wished that her partner hadn’t been apart of it. Which to some extent, I can understand.

I would be heartbroken if I found out my partner had done this. Only because my urge to have his children is partially symbolic of my love for him. The idea of “mini-hims” running around where I’m not the other half of the child feels strange. I feel oddly posesive of his reproductive possibilities because I always think of it in contex with my own. I want to be the only one to have his babies- genetic or otherwise!

I'm not their parent I'm am part of their DNA

Actually you are their parent. You are their biological mother. Not sure what "part of their DNA" means but if it means something like a cousin or a great grandparent or an ancestor - no you are not like that. You are the biological mother of those children. You may never hear from them ever and it will all work out fine. Or not. Maybe they will want the connection with their biological parent.

Just because YOU have decided they are not like your real children doesn't mean they will think the same. They may not think of you in relation to them the way YOU think of you in relation to them.

Pallisers Actually you are their parent. You are their biological mother. Not sure what "part of their DNA" means but if it means something like a cousin or a great grandparent or an ancestor - no you are not like that. You are the biological mother of those children. You may never hear from them ever and it will all work out fine. Or not. Maybe they will want the connection with their biological parent.

Just because YOU have decided they are not like your real children doesn't mean they will think the same. They may not think of you in relation to them the way YOU think of you in relation to them.
What part of my reply did you completely ignore ? Does this also mean all those people who have had my DNA passed to them by my blood donations are my children or linked to me by body tissue? Just because you give HALF of the body tissue required to make a child to somebody else doesn't mean you are their parent. That would exclude people who adopt or are step parents from being parents wouldn't it as they have no biological link to the child. You can't have it both ways you know.
Also if you had read what I had written you would have seen that I have NOT blocked any child born from my Ova donation from contacting me, I actually put up several reason that I thought it was important that they could.
Those ova that were fertilised and never used ? Not my property not my child not my life

I think you need to work through your issues with a professional and decide if it’s s deal breaker.

I was a med student over 3 decades ago. ALL of the male students donated sperm. It was great additional $$$$ at the time. It was super easy and didn’t take up time. Seriously it was a case of very busy students whose only concern was some additional $$ for drinks who gave it no other thought. This was back in the day where it was all anonymous and they didn’t have as many of the ethics that surround it now, number of donations etc. So most people I have dated, all of my male friends and lots of my relatives may well have many genetic offspring out there. None of them have ever mentioned thinking about it and none would ever consider these ‘children’. To be fair if it was in today’s world where it is not anonymous and there was potential contact I doubt any of them would have donated though, not that desperate for a nights worth of beers .