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Original poster

My boyfriend donated sperm

233 replies

Kala101 · 19/04/2018 19:58

Hi I'm looking for some advice as I'm in a crisis state. I met my boyfriend almost a year ago. He told me two months in that he had donated sperm to a sperm bank. Recently we've become serious and I've been so disturbed by this aspect of his past, although he has reassured me that he only sees those offspring as genetic links not a family.

I really want to have kids with the right person and have my own family. I feel this would be so disruptive to a future family. I also feel jealous and disgusted that his sperm was inside these women. I'm too emotional about this.

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 19/04/2018 20:13

You said his donations have produced children. I'll ask again - how do you know this.

Original poster
Kala101 · 19/04/2018 20:14

I'm grateful for your harsh responses but how many of the commenters would actually like their partners/husbands to have 10-20 biological offspring out there that might want to contact and be a part of your family someday. It's easy to be indifferent when it's not happening to you. I too was once.

OP posts:
Dozer · 19/04/2018 20:14

He was honest about it: if it is a “deal breaker” for you, end the relationship.

Realhousewifeofessex · 19/04/2018 20:16

Have you watched the Delivery Man too many times or something Biscuit

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 19/04/2018 20:16

Kala. I have donated eggs to a fertility clinic. I have absolutely no idea whether any woman became pregnant because of this and I am 100% certain the clinic wouldn't tell me anything whatsoever about my donation.

I'm really cross at you posting this drivel.

pinyata · 19/04/2018 20:17

Your acting slightly crack potterish about this OP.

He done nothing wrong in fact the exact opposite, you need to asses and deal with your own feelings about this not take this out on your DP.

validusername1 · 19/04/2018 20:17

My partner has donated sperm in the time we have been together.
I think it's absolutely wonderful of him and am in no way jealous at all.
See help OP, you're not well

Original poster
Kala101 · 19/04/2018 20:19

valid thanks for sharing this. Yes, I admit I'm not well. If you don't mind me asking why did your partner donate? Did you make this decision together?

OP posts:
Tiddlywinks63 · 19/04/2018 20:21

It wouldn't bother me one iota op. In fact I would be delighted if it meant that someone longing for a child got their dream fulfilled.
It's not as if dozens of women are going to be chasing him for child maintenance is it Confused?
And I can't imagine umpteen DCs lining up to knock on your door either!

If it's such a big deal for you them your relationship is doomed anyway.

validusername1 · 19/04/2018 20:21

Because he knew he could literally give the gift of a family to someone else.
Not really, it's something he mentioned that he would like to do and I 100% supported him for it. Just like he would me if I were to donate my eggs.

LadyLance · 19/04/2018 20:21

It's equally possible that the children born from sperm donations won't want to meet him, and certainly not at 18. They may already have two loving parents and not feel the need for another. Not all children born this way (or adopted children even) feel the need to trace their parents and even if they do it won't always be the moment they turn 18.

He also has the right/ability to refuse a family relationship with them. If they turn up at 18, he can explain that he doesn't want an ongoing relationship with them. Have you actually discussed what he would do in this scenario?

However, if this is a red line for you, it's a red line. It doesn't matter what other people think- you can walk away if you want to.

RBBMummy · 19/04/2018 20:22

10 or 20 cousin's I didn't know I had could contact me one day and want to be part of may family. Great.

They will be adults op. They'll come round at Christmas to give your kids presents and go down to pub with your husband

Needmorehands · 19/04/2018 20:22

My husband has also donated sperm. The children (if any) as a result of his generosity have no claim on him, biologically they would be half brothers to our own children, but emotionally they would be no more to him or me than someone we passed in the street.

If you are disgusted at the thought of his sperm inside another woman - are you his first sexual partner?

He is generous, and honest. That puts him quite a few steps ahead of many partners if you read half a dozen of the threads in Relationships. I truly cannot understand your problem.

I am proud of my husband for being willing to help other couples going through heartache and difficulties that we are lucky never to have experienced. I would donate my eggs if the cut off age wasn't lower for women.

feathermucker · 19/04/2018 20:23

Jealous and disgusted? Honestly, you need some serious perspective Here!

Its possible he's helped someone who may not have otherwise been able to have a child.

You have to stop looking at it as if he's actually slept with these women.

Original poster
Kala101 · 19/04/2018 20:23

@notsuchasmugmarried

I understand. I don't know your reasons or motivation but I don't know anyone else who has done this and this makes it hard for me to accept. It'd be a taboo topic in my circle.
And it's possible to find this information by filling a form from HFEA. You won't get identifiable information, just the number and sex.

OP posts:
magictorch · 19/04/2018 20:24

As mother to a donor conceived child (NOT the donor’s child Hmm), you are being massively unreasonable. And insulting to your boyfriend and those of us whose years of heartbreak lead us in the end to donors’ generosity.

Do the poor bloke a favour and break up with him.

And while you’re at it, get thee to a grip shop.

Crusoe · 19/04/2018 20:25

As someone who suffered first hand the devastating sadness of infertility I applaud your partner for donating sperm. I had 9 cycles of IVF all with donor eggs and 6 with donated sperm too. Our treatments didn’t work but thanks to the generosity of anonymous strangers I had a chance to have a baby, I had hope!
I will always be eternally grateful to my donors whatever their motivations.
I really think you are overthinking this OP. It sounds like it happened before he met you and it really doesn’t change your relationship at all.

Gemini69 · 19/04/2018 20:25

If you cannot cope with this.. you need to end the relationship now.... Flowers

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 19/04/2018 20:27

In all seriousness, is this something you can get passed?

He was entitled to donate his sperm and he'd be entitled to do so again if he wanted too. He has done a lovely thing; albeit for other people.

If you do not want children with someone who has potentially biologically fathered 20 children; break up and find someone who has the same views on donation as you.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 19/04/2018 20:27

You won't have been told that the donations led to children, op, I don't believe you.

Icklepickle101 · 19/04/2018 20:28

You are being unreasonable.

I’ve donated eggs, I don’t see it as any more than donating blood or organs. Unless you would find it weird for your partners blood to be in someone else too?

KateMcCallisterHAmom · 19/04/2018 20:29

OP, I do understand. I wouldn't like it either. I don't think there's a right or a wrong - many are fine with it (as this thread's responses attest) and some of us aren't - I think we are ok to feel like that. You just have to decide if it is a deal-breaker. Good luck.

babba2014 · 19/04/2018 20:29

I saw on Long Lost Family (US version) two kids who didn't know their donor father and it affected them hugely. One they found and wanted to connect, the other bio dad didn't.
I can see where you are coming from. It's one of those modern things (maybe not that modern but we hear about it more) that is hard for people in that position at times?
Basically if you are not happy with it then the relationship is not for you as clearly nothing can be changed now.

I've never had to think about it myself as I've not been in that position but I've met lots of people who have and issues like the child growing up and meeting a sibling and falling in love can be a reality although probably rare. Im not staying facts but if it is something you can't come around then it would just come to and end as you can't change the past but only accept it or walk away.

privateporcupine · 19/04/2018 20:29

I was harsh, but you really do need split up, if you can’t 100% deal with this. It’s something that could definitely fester and then blow up if and when you do have a family together, which would be awful.

If it’s so taboo in your circle, maybe it’s the circle you need to reconsider, not the honest and caring man your DP seems to be.

Original poster
Kala101 · 19/04/2018 20:30

We have discussed what would happen if he was contacted and he said he would meet them once for coffee and that's it. I do hate myself for all this and I find it hard to deal with. The vitriol I'm getting on this thread, I deserve it too.

The reason that it's been hard is because I do love him and apart from this everything seems perfect. He truly loves kids and he's always talking about family.

I feel more than the donation thing what hurts me is his motivation. He told me it was partly to have his genetic material spread in the world because he wasn't sure he would have a family. But the first time he tried to donate was when he was in his 20s and that didnt work out, I feel if he said he was donating purely to help others I'd be able to accept it.

OP posts: