On the verge of packing a bag, help!

[yeahbutnogah]

I don't know where to start but looking for some support/advice as I decide what to do next. Basically I've been stuck in limbo for 3 years deciding whether to stay or leave my marriage.

I'm 34 and been with DH for 11 years, married for 5. No kids yet. He's keen to get started but our relationship hasn't been in a great place so I've held back. Obviously at my age, time isn't on my side so I need to get a wriggle on and do something either way.

On the positive side, DH is smart and funny. I often see/think something and know he's the only person who would "get" it. We like the same films, music etc. and are generally on the same page when it comes to life views.

On the negative side, there's a lot of low-level stuff that's built up and made me question everything. It's like I'm on a rollercoaster where we're happy one minute but the next he'll do something crap and I'm reminded of all the crap times and I start doubting everything again.

I told him I wanted to leave 2 years ago and he convinced me to stay and go to counselling. Things got better but they're still not 100%. I just don't know if I'm being fussy and should accept things or move on. I've absolutely agonised over this decision and it's driving me crazy.

After another bad week, I'm seriously thinking about packing a bag this weekend and moving out. It's not like he's done anything terrible (no abuse or cheating), it's just daily shit that grinds me down e.g.

• I'm the main earner yet still do the lion's share of the wife and housework.
• He prioritises his hobbies over things which should be more important.
• He also talks A LOT. He loves his own opinions and ideas to the point I feel like mine don't matter.
• Our sex life is almost non-existent these days.

Anyone been in a similar situation and have any helpful advice?

Why doesn't he want you to be alone ? Your doing great !

Says he doesn't want to talk but is worried and doesn't want me to be alone

Subtext

He doesn't want to bother to work anything out and HE doesn't want to be alone or have you out of his control

Christ, his telling you you would have to write him lists of boring crap he needs to do is exactly one of the most infuriating man-child bollocks things my ex used to say. Well done, op, at least you know he has no intention of considering anything you need or want, he sounds like an absolute bell-end.
Go no contact for a while and see a solicitor regarding half your house, don't let him screw you over financially in his anger.

YIkes! You're the main earner AND you do most of the housework? While he's off prioritizing his hobbies???

FFS, do NOT have children with this man. You'll get stuck with all that work, too, while he moans about missing out on his 'me' and hobby time.

Glad you've taken the step out the door. Stand firm.

Sounds like he's straight into gaslighting.

Why the hell should you have to make a fucking list of chores for him?

And he doesn't have to change "that's just who he is", just like you don't have to stay married to him.

I've had a terrible night's sleep but I'm glad I didn't go back to the house. Not sure how I'll make it through the day at work but hopefully it will take my mind off things.

Told DH that I'll go round after work to talk.

@yeahbutnogah

You have to do what's right for you.

Whatever we say, you're the one living it.

Even if you decide to go back to him today after you've talked , at least you know you do have the strength to leave again, when it happens next time 💕

Which he will read as 'talk you round'. Can you meet somewhere neutral instead?

There is an ongoing support thread full of MNers in a similar position

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/divorce_separation/3172058-Support-thread-for-those-divorcing-against-their-stbex-wishes

Please don't go back now if you think your going to regret it

OP, this is how my first marriage went. He added a side order of adultery too, but I only found out later. Get out and stay out. Life is too short to pander to whiny men who put absurd hobbies before their life partner.

Do you want to have this talk so soon or do you need more time/space? Agree with PP. Can you meet somewhere neutral? And have a friend on standby.

And don't tell him where you are staying.

Oh no, OP! too soon to go back to 'talk'. Please reconsider, give yourself time. You seem to still be pandering to HIS wants and needs. See how you feel with being away from him properly, at least a couple of weeks. All you'll get is more of the same from him. He's told you who he is - listen!

I was in a relationship with a man for 8 years. I kept going back, nothing changed but I kept going back.

In the end I realised that I didn't think I deserved any more than he offered me. Which is why I kept going back.

That was a wake up for me and I never went back again

Sometimes it takes a few tries to finally have the courage to realise that you are a goddess

Oh dear. What is there to talk about? He told you 'this is who he is' (a lazy, selfish twat). He will see this as you changing your mind, mark my words.

As others have said if you are seeing him to work out splitting the house etc please take someone with you or meet on neutral ground. He is going to be on best boy behaviour and tell you you are being silly, guaranteed. This is a bad idea,op.

Maybe op wants to be talked round. Hope is a pig.

He's resorting to a tried and tested technique. He's always been able to talk you round in the past, so in his head it's a strategy with a 100% hit rate.

I mean, you're just being silly and throwing a tantrum aren't you Yeahbut? He just needs to appease you and pull you back into line by being good for a few weeks. It's always worked in the past, so why not this time?

He has zero respect for you as a person.

Meet him somewhere else - not the house, not the flat, in 10 days time.

It’s too early to ‘talk’ OP. Tell him to leave you alone until you’re ready. Him not giving you that will tell you that nothings changed.

He’s losing his nice, cushy life and believe me he will do everything t possible to hold on to that.

Don’t go to the house, if you must meet him do it somewhere public and under no circumstances let him know where you’re staying atm.

Look at it another way, if he wasn’t blagging your head and hadn’t been in touch would you want to go and see him tonight?

He knows he "drops the ball" with housework but that's just who he is and I need to write him a list so that he remembers.

Stop right here. How do YOU know things need doing? Does someone write you a list or do you see things with your own eyes?

This point, makes it clear that what he is going to miss most is a housekeeper! Fuck that for a laugh.

You are out now, discuss with him either he buying you out, or you buying him out, or putting the house on the market straight away. He will only give you false promises and drag you back in.

that's just who he is

No

That's just who he chooses to be because he's a twat 😊

You’ve done the hard bit, now you need to stay strong.

If you go back to him that will make you a married couple who have split up and got back together twice. That doesn’t sound like a stable relationship to bring children into does it?

That’s just who he is well that’s fair enough really, you can’t change him, nor should you try. But it sounds like who he is, isn’t what you want.

That’s just who he is

Crikey, he's not trying very hard, is he if that is all he can come up with to win you back

You are well rid.

The freedom programme from Woman's Aid might be worth a look, to help you recognise what is happening between you. All the best