On the verge of packing a bag, help!

[yeahbutnogah]

I don't know where to start but looking for some support/advice as I decide what to do next. Basically I've been stuck in limbo for 3 years deciding whether to stay or leave my marriage.

I'm 34 and been with DH for 11 years, married for 5. No kids yet. He's keen to get started but our relationship hasn't been in a great place so I've held back. Obviously at my age, time isn't on my side so I need to get a wriggle on and do something either way.

On the positive side, DH is smart and funny. I often see/think something and know he's the only person who would "get" it. We like the same films, music etc. and are generally on the same page when it comes to life views.

On the negative side, there's a lot of low-level stuff that's built up and made me question everything. It's like I'm on a rollercoaster where we're happy one minute but the next he'll do something crap and I'm reminded of all the crap times and I start doubting everything again.

I told him I wanted to leave 2 years ago and he convinced me to stay and go to counselling. Things got better but they're still not 100%. I just don't know if I'm being fussy and should accept things or move on. I've absolutely agonised over this decision and it's driving me crazy.

After another bad week, I'm seriously thinking about packing a bag this weekend and moving out. It's not like he's done anything terrible (no abuse or cheating), it's just daily shit that grinds me down e.g.

• I'm the main earner yet still do the lion's share of the wife and housework.
• He prioritises his hobbies over things which should be more important.
• He also talks A LOT. He loves his own opinions and ideas to the point I feel like mine don't matter.
• Our sex life is almost non-existent these days.

Anyone been in a similar situation and have any helpful advice?

Leave now. It will be far far worse after kids.

Someone recommended ‘To bad to stay, too good to leave’ it’s a book and it might help you make a decision.

Good luck.

It sounds like you want out and when the cracks appear in the marriage that's when the little things annoy you. I stand by what I have said in that I don't think living with a messy bloke who forgets to send birthday cards is a valid reason to end a marriage. There must be more to it than this.

My marriage has been through hell and back. I've had double infertility, the stress of moving to 4 countries, terrible issues with one pregnancy and had depression. All through this my DH has stepped up and been there for me. He has picked me up when I have been at rock bottom. I think I would be dead if it wasn't for him. I think it would be really insulting for me to threaten to leave because of his crap housekeeping skills and his inability to pick up on hints of what I want for my birthday after all the things he has done for me.

I would be asking myself the question of "who do I want at my side when I am sick, when I am at rock bottom, when I have children". If it is not him then leave. These are the things that matter. The other stuff can be dealt with.

I have a friend who was in a relationship a bit like this - they'd been together since she was 19, she kept thinking she should stick at it longer, their families were entwined, etc etc.

When she finally left, she couldn't believe the weight that lifted, or the number of people who confessed they were delighted for her. Her new partner isn't perfect, and you're right, you're not going to find a mythical unicorn of a man. But he is great, and good to her, and their relationship is easy. No minor disagreements about house stuff, no being on a different page. I can't describe the relief of being in a relationship where you've always got each other's back, and the other person thinks you're awesome and that's reflected in how they treat you when you're used to one where every day sometimes feels like a negotiation.

I know a few people who have been in relationships since they were so young that really, they wouldn't have got with that person if they'd met in their late twenties. And sometimes it works anyone, but most of the time it doesn't. And there's nothing wrong with admitting that.

Your situation really sounds like he won't change, you know what the problems are, and they're ultimately down to compatibility. You don't owe him the rest of your life. Even if you aren't miserable- there isn't some necessary criteria of awfulness for it to be ok to end a relationship. You have clearly tried, and you are not happy, and it is not temporary, and that is all the justification anyone ever needs for respectfully walking away from a relationship.

I don't think living with a messy bloke who forgets to send birthday cards is a valid reason to end a marriage

You can leave a marriage for whatever reason you want. I wasted a lot of time looking for a reason that was ‘good enough’. You don’t need other people’s permission to leave.

Your DH is a man who has 4 YEARS to recognize that you are now at the top of your field, too, and that you work long, exhausting hours, too, and yet you are still expected by him to manage and carry the load at home.

Oh, and you earn twice what he does ... and yet there he sits, planning his hobby time and expecting you to do it all for him.

I'd rather be on my own...

OP it sounds from your last post that what you want has changed since the early days and he's not willing/able to give you that.
Completely understandable that you would want to part ways.

reddressblueshoes I recognise a lot of what you say in my relationship with my ex. Getting him to do anything was like a hostage negotiation scenario, one false step and he'd blow up.

Well that explains a bit more about why it's harder to leave. You've changed massively, and he hasn't.

So when he's saying 'this is me', it must be hard - maybe you did love him for who he was initially, maybe that was enough. But now it doesn't feel enough. And he's right, it is a bit rubbish when your partner wants you to change who you feel you are.

But listen, you've just grown apart. You don't fit together anymore. Your aspirations and expectations have changed and that must be painful for your both. But you don't owe him your happiness, and he doesn't owe you a personality makeover. You can be as kind to each other as possible, you've been good together, but it's sounds like it's come to an end.

Having children would really be a bad idea, for everyone concerned. And if you do want kids, getting out sooner rather than later would be good as it can take a while to find someone and fertility can decline from your 30s.

And 99% if men are not at all like this, in my experience.

99% of men are not like this. You should be with someone who thinks you are fabulous, who recognised that you both work long hours and steps up accordingly.

I can't be doing with these men child who don't really want to be with an equal.

He survived perfectly well up til 4 years ago. He will do so again.

He has had TWO YEARS to change his ways because ‘the woman he loves’ was unhappy.

Now he had made it clear he won’t change despite the fact you have been unhappy for two years. In fact he has put more pressure on you to suck it on and take responsibility for it.

Btw. Husband, 2 bros, brother in law. Numerous girl friends with partners/ husbands.

Zero are like this.

OP, how are you feeling? I’m in a similar situation, trying to get the courage to take action, and I was wondering how you’re doing.

Give yourself at least a month without seeing him or speaking to him then see how you feel. The fact that your sex life is almost non-existent speaks volumes.