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Original poster

On the verge of packing a bag, help!

163 replies

yeahbutnogah · 19/04/2018 06:25

I don't know where to start but looking for some support/advice as I decide what to do next. Basically I've been stuck in limbo for 3 years deciding whether to stay or leave my marriage.

I'm 34 and been with DH for 11 years, married for 5. No kids yet. He's keen to get started but our relationship hasn't been in a great place so I've held back. Obviously at my age, time isn't on my side so I need to get a wriggle on and do something either way.

On the positive side, DH is smart and funny. I often see/think something and know he's the only person who would "get" it. We like the same films, music etc. and are generally on the same page when it comes to life views.

On the negative side, there's a lot of low-level stuff that's built up and made me question everything. It's like I'm on a rollercoaster where we're happy one minute but the next he'll do something crap and I'm reminded of all the crap times and I start doubting everything again.

I told him I wanted to leave 2 years ago and he convinced me to stay and go to counselling. Things got better but they're still not 100%. I just don't know if I'm being fussy and should accept things or move on. I've absolutely agonised over this decision and it's driving me crazy.

After another bad week, I'm seriously thinking about packing a bag this weekend and moving out. It's not like he's done anything terrible (no abuse or cheating), it's just daily shit that grinds me down e.g.

  • I'm the main earner yet still do the lion's share of the wife and housework.
  • He prioritises his hobbies over things which should be more important.
  • He also talks A LOT. He loves his own opinions and ideas to the point I feel like mine don't matter.
  • Our sex life is almost non-existent these days.

Anyone been in a similar situation and have any helpful advice?

OP posts:
Calmingvibrations · 20/04/2018 10:29

All the things that irritate you you now will be so so much worse when / if you had kids.

But children aside, you aren’t happy and it must be exhausting to constantly be thinking about staying or going. The list you gave consist of quite substantial difficulties. You’ve said your bit. He hasn’t changed. You’ve given it enough time.

Fundamentally I don’t think he has any respect for you as an individual. It’s like youre just someone who exists to make his life run more smoothly. Your time is less precious than his, according to him.

Leave - absolutely!!

Original poster
yeahbutnogah · 21/04/2018 05:44

Can't sleep as I feel sick to my stomach. I've contacted a short term rental which I can take tomorrow if I want it. DH is going out for the day so it would be perfect timing for me to pack and leave without a fuss. I just don't know what to do. We've got friends coming over tonight and the thought of trying to act normal is killing me. I feel like I shouldn't stay here any longer but I am so scared of what happens next or I'll regret it later on.

OP posts:
Original poster
yeahbutnogah · 21/04/2018 05:45

Oh, and thank you for all of your kind replies. There's some great advice and words of wisdom here which is helping me see things clearer.

OP posts:
Velvetbee · 21/04/2018 05:50

Sending hugs, Yeahbut. Good luck.

Cricrichan · 21/04/2018 05:54

he's lazy and thinks he's helping you out if he does any housework. Wants you to email him a list.

He's had years to do this and he keeps reverting. You've given him plenty of chances and he doesn't respect and care enough about you to take equal responsibility for the things that need to be done. His hobbies are more important. Doesn't he think that you deserve to have fun and relax but instead you can't do as much because you're doing his share too? And this is pre kids.

Original poster
yeahbutnogah · 21/04/2018 05:59

I need to keep reading this thread to help me see sense.

OP posts:
Galaxyfarfaraway · 21/04/2018 06:07

You obviously want out if you have contacted a rental agency. You are just hesitating because you don’t want to hurt him. BUT you are his wife and lover, not his mother. It’s not your job to look after him.
It’s his job to love and cherish you. You have one life. Look for someone else if he’s not doing his job.

seventh · 21/04/2018 06:10

but I am so scared of what happens next or I'll regret it later on.

Stay. Stay with him.

Stay for another 6 months. Stay for another 12 months. Stay, don't leave.

.

.

.

How does that idea feel?

squiglet111 · 21/04/2018 06:11

Definitely leave. If he's not willing to share house work then he never will. Do you really want to have children with someone that will not contribute to housework / looking after children? If you already refuse to accept this now then you will definitely want to leave him once you have a child. So it's good that you realise this now before you are in a weaker position.

Do you own the house together or are you renting?

backsackcraic · 21/04/2018 06:29

Pack a bag, if your relationship is like this now, a baby will make it worse and you'll love to regret it. Be strong enough to walk away and start again.

Original poster
yeahbutnogah · 21/04/2018 06:30

We own the house together. Feeling so sad at the thought of leaving my pets.

OP posts:
FredaNerkk · 21/04/2018 06:50

This was me several years ago. Unfortunately I didn't seek advice.

I should have left. But instead I pushed on - working very hard to keep the marriage "ok". I hindsight my standards for a good relationship were low, and my willingness to work at the marriage was high. I was always thinking 'surely he won't continue like this. It's so irrational and unfair'. I also thought we loved each other. But actually we were in a very dysfunctional relationship. I failed to notice many signs that he was a classic self-entitled, vain narcissist, and I was the classic co-dependant who had been drawn into a relationship with a narcissist.

Because he had a fear of being abandoned, and losing the person (me) who looked after his inner child -- whenever I got to my wit's end, he would finally put in more of an effort. And I would (mistakenly) think, 'finally he's got it. Good, problem solved.' But no, in 3 months or so, the problems would re-emerge. Not only that but he'd deny that it had ever been an issue in the past, and that I was mistaken. It was intensely frustrating and perplexing.

People have given you lots of good advice. TrojanPony says it well: "I think wanting to pack your bags is quite an extreme feeling and is indicative of something serious." I wish someone had told me this, and I had known that marriages aren't supposed to be THAT hard.

Look up some websites about narcissism and co-dependency. Check if that's what's going on. Here's one to get started: www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evolution-the-self/201311/6-signs-narcissism-you-may-not-know-about

In my case - to cut to the chase - he became more difficult when I was pregnant and had kids. My attention was diluted and I was less willing to tolerate a dysfunctional relationship (because of the effects I thought it would have on the children). We divorced when DC2 was a baby. Classically, I found out that he'd started a affair when I was pregnant with DC1) but by the time we divorced we had two small children. He has been a nightmare to co-parent with, finds all sorts of ways not to pay child support, and smacks the children hard and often if they don't do what he says.

I wish I had broken up when I was at your stage and put my energy and hardwork into having a baby with donor sperm. It would be a lot less complicated for me, my DCs, my subsequent OH (who is very different), and my DSCs.

Good luck.

seventh · 21/04/2018 07:02

We own the house together. Feeling so sad at the thought of leaving my pets.

Then ask him to leave

FredaNerkk · 21/04/2018 07:06

Just to clarify - I found out about his affair after DC2 was born.

summerinthecountry · 21/04/2018 07:08

All relationships have their ups and downs, but the love and joy seems completely absent. I would leave in your position.

summerinthecountry · 21/04/2018 07:10

I would ask him to leave op. Why do you have to go?
Keep your pets and house, esp if you are the main breadwinner and can afford to stay there (can always get a female lodger to help with bills)

summerinthecountry · 21/04/2018 07:11

When we say leave, as in leave the relationship, not your house

summerinthecountry · 21/04/2018 07:13

Cancel the friends.
Contact the rental agency and tell your dp that he can move into that house immediately if he wants to, but it is time to separate.
Call some close friends to sit with you this weekend not dinner party friends. You need some proper support and help with this.

seventh · 21/04/2018 07:19

Also - you can end the relationship and stay in the house and he can stay in the house too.

I did this for a while back in the day.

Put the house on the market. Sell it. Both move out. Separately.

Truth be told it's all a state of mind. If you keep on 'not knowing' you'll always be unhappy.

This is your life. You deserve the opportunity to be happy.

Stop messing with your own head.

Start living.

Original poster
yeahbutnogah · 21/04/2018 07:26

That's a great post Freda and glad you got away in the end. I definitely see some of his behaviour in the article you shared. I recognise that I spent the early part of our relationship trying to make him happy and go along with his wants. I think I hit a point where I had nothing left to give.

I don't think we can live in the same house together. It will be too hard for me to keep my strength and go through with it. He'll get into my head and convince me to change my mind.

I also don't think it's fair for him to leave since I'm the one who's ending things. Plus, I doubt he would go if I asked him to! To clarify, he does work so it's not like he doesn't contribute anything financially.

OP posts:
n0ne · 21/04/2018 07:29

This sounds like my relationship with my XH. He was smart and funny and we had so much in common, but he was also a bit of a thoughtless shit and our sex life was non-existent after 7 years. He in fact left me and I was devastated but realised after a while he'd done me a massive favour. We'd talked about kids and were not far off trying - I'm so glad that didn't happen! I'm now happily married to DH with DCs in my mid-late 30s, and he is SO much nicer than XH, while still being smart, funny and into all the same stuff as me.

You might think you'll never meet anyone else you get on as well with as your DH but that's not true. They're out there, don't settle.

Aussiebean · 21/04/2018 08:43

Of you don’t want to cancel tonight, but don’t want to playbhappy family you should start to either come down with a rotten cold or migraine if you get them. I think this because I have a cold at the momemnt. So they are still going around despite the weather.

You have an excuse not to participate tonight and tomorrow he will be on his way thinking you will be at home sleeping.

ChiaraRimini · 21/04/2018 08:56

Sounds like my X
I wish I'd left before we had kids.
Good luck op x

drinkingwinefeelingfine · 21/04/2018 09:18

Holy shit that article describes my ex perfectly. It's scary to think I could still be trapped in that.

Op it's really hard to leave a relationship like this, particularly if the other person has been critical of you and worn you down. When I look back now I couldn't think of anything worse than being in that relationship.

If packing a bag and going into a short term rental is what you need to do to get out of the relationship then do it. Do whatever it takes. Just go.

Original poster
yeahbutnogah · 22/04/2018 00:19

I've made it through the dinner with friends. Managed to hang out with the women and avoid being with DH. Didn't even drink so I could keep a clear head!

I've emailed the rental company and told them I want to take the flat. Just waiting for them to confirm. Need to see this through now. Feeling very sad but also excited.

OP posts:
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