On the verge of packing a bag, help!

[yeahbutnogah]

I don't know where to start but looking for some support/advice as I decide what to do next. Basically I've been stuck in limbo for 3 years deciding whether to stay or leave my marriage.

I'm 34 and been with DH for 11 years, married for 5. No kids yet. He's keen to get started but our relationship hasn't been in a great place so I've held back. Obviously at my age, time isn't on my side so I need to get a wriggle on and do something either way.

On the positive side, DH is smart and funny. I often see/think something and know he's the only person who would "get" it. We like the same films, music etc. and are generally on the same page when it comes to life views.

On the negative side, there's a lot of low-level stuff that's built up and made me question everything. It's like I'm on a rollercoaster where we're happy one minute but the next he'll do something crap and I'm reminded of all the crap times and I start doubting everything again.

I told him I wanted to leave 2 years ago and he convinced me to stay and go to counselling. Things got better but they're still not 100%. I just don't know if I'm being fussy and should accept things or move on. I've absolutely agonised over this decision and it's driving me crazy.

After another bad week, I'm seriously thinking about packing a bag this weekend and moving out. It's not like he's done anything terrible (no abuse or cheating), it's just daily shit that grinds me down e.g.

• I'm the main earner yet still do the lion's share of the wife and housework.
• He prioritises his hobbies over things which should be more important.
• He also talks A LOT. He loves his own opinions and ideas to the point I feel like mine don't matter.
• Our sex life is almost non-existent these days.

Anyone been in a similar situation and have any helpful advice?

You can do this, stay strong and if it help to post then keep posting. You're doing the right thing.

Ok DH has gone out early so I'm getting everything ready to go. Just going to take the essentials.

I feel dreadful but hoping it will pass.

Good luck, hope today is productive. Does he know of your plans?

No, I'm not going to tell him as it will make things too difficult. Will leave a note and talk to him in a couple of days when I'm feeling ready.

Good luck OP focus on the house later. Just concentrate on distance between you.

Be ready for the unexpected. He might have a difficult side you haven’t seen yet which might blindside and confuse you. All stunts to bring you back and doubt decisions.

Thanks everyone. I've been up and down all morning. One minute I'm feeling strong and ready to go, the next I'm in tears and completely doubting myself.

Would a handhold help @yeahbutnogah

One way to deal with today, would be to stop doubting yourself. Just put that undermining thought on hold, get yourself out and to the 'rental'. Give your self time away from the relationship to reflect. Once you are away, you can read up and reflect, and decide what you want to do, not just get distracted by what he wants you to do.

All the best, MN will be here whatever you decide. Some of the worst threads on here, though, seem to be from people who stays, for whatever reason.

You definitely need a period of separation, regardless of the eventual outcome. Chin up.

look into 'co-dependant' relationships. And 'weak personal boundaries'. This may be holding you back (it was in my case)
see eg www.mentalhealthamerica.net/co-dependency (but note that co-dependant relationships are not just with addicts; they are also common with people with narcissistic traits).

If you're not co-dependant, or when you've recovered from codependency, you no longer feel compelled to stay in an unhealthy, painful relationship. You know that you are not responsible for anyone's happiness except for your own, and so you can feel comfortable with the decision to walk away. Or to stay. You stay in the relationship if it nurtures you. And the other person stays with you if it nurtures them.

There are many other signs you can look out for to decide if you have a tendency to stay in the relationship for poor co-dependant reasons.

A period of separation will help you reflect. It is completely normal to need some time alone when a relationship is difficult. You are doing a very sensible thing.

It seems pretty clear from your posts that things can't stay as they are. You might grieve for what you would have liked them to be, and the good parts that you will be losing, but it definitely isn't the relationship to have children in.

Just pack . Go. One step in front of the other.

I've done it! I'm in the flat and don't know what to do with myself! Feeling strangely relieved but also sad/scared.

Well done.

Expect everything from tears to threats from him.

Have you spoken to anyone about what's happening? Your parents or friends?

Not told anybody yet. I don't live near my family so will be relying on a couple of close friends to get me through this.

Well done op xx

Well done

Well done, that's really impressive, be proud of your self awareness.

Congratulations!

Well done!

Good for you op, how are you doing?

So he's home and has seen my note. I ignored his calls at first but just got off the phone to him. He's mostly annoyed that I've left without telling him. Need to write down things he said so I can look back and process it all:

• He knows he "drops the ball" with housework but that's just who he is and I need to write him a list so that he remembers.
• Apparently I keep a tally of all the bad things he does and those count for more than the good things. I don't value the things he does like being affectionate and making me a cup of tea.
• He gets carried away making plans for both of us without consulting me (e.g. booking a holiday that revolves around his hobby) because he's excited and again, that's who he is.
• I show no interest in him or his life. I never ask him about his work, friends, hobbies etc. (which is absolute bollocks).

He's now texting me asking if he can pick me up. Says he doesn't want to talk but is worried and doesn't want me to be alone.

If he feels like that, he won't mind you breaking up, will he?

So basically he is saying, this is who He is and no matter how you feel, you need to accept it and start writing him a list of things for him to do because there is no way he is going to take responsibility for himself.

Well now you know. From his own mouth.

Plus he only wants to pick you up so you are back where you belong. And he will know where you live, so if you leave he will k ow where to find you.

You've done the right thing, getting away from him. He prioritises himself. You're not in a sexual relationship. You're funding it all yet doing all the work.

So what I get from that, is that everything revolves around his wants and he's not even offering to try.

I mean, it's a pretty low bar he's setting himself if being affectionate and making cups of tea should be enough for you. I mean, it's not exactly a stretch is it?

Tell him that ‘who he is, isn’t what you want in life’ and ask him not to contact you again until you’re ready.

He’s treating you like a silly little girl with the picking you up thing. Stand your ground, you’re doing so well.

Well you've shocked him,you've not made this decision lightly. If you really think it's the end don't turn back