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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

On the verge of packing a bag, help!

163 replies

yeahbutnogah · 19/04/2018 06:25

I don't know where to start but looking for some support/advice as I decide what to do next. Basically I've been stuck in limbo for 3 years deciding whether to stay or leave my marriage.

I'm 34 and been with DH for 11 years, married for 5. No kids yet. He's keen to get started but our relationship hasn't been in a great place so I've held back. Obviously at my age, time isn't on my side so I need to get a wriggle on and do something either way.

On the positive side, DH is smart and funny. I often see/think something and know he's the only person who would "get" it. We like the same films, music etc. and are generally on the same page when it comes to life views.

On the negative side, there's a lot of low-level stuff that's built up and made me question everything. It's like I'm on a rollercoaster where we're happy one minute but the next he'll do something crap and I'm reminded of all the crap times and I start doubting everything again.

I told him I wanted to leave 2 years ago and he convinced me to stay and go to counselling. Things got better but they're still not 100%. I just don't know if I'm being fussy and should accept things or move on. I've absolutely agonised over this decision and it's driving me crazy.

After another bad week, I'm seriously thinking about packing a bag this weekend and moving out. It's not like he's done anything terrible (no abuse or cheating), it's just daily shit that grinds me down e.g.

  • I'm the main earner yet still do the lion's share of the wife and housework.
  • He prioritises his hobbies over things which should be more important.
  • He also talks A LOT. He loves his own opinions and ideas to the point I feel like mine don't matter.
  • Our sex life is almost non-existent these days.

Anyone been in a similar situation and have any helpful advice?

OP posts:
GladysKnight · 23/04/2018 22:59

Imagine having to make a list for him of how to be dad every day, and him saying he was leaving you alone with the babies while he does his hobby 'because that's who he is'.

I can't see you referring respectfully to your children about their dad either, as, understandably, you don't seem to respect him much, even before he's let you down countless times post kids. I can't see this working, sorry.

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 23/04/2018 23:09

He says..... he wants........he thinks.........

Why the fuck are you listening to him????

'This is who he is', remember?

Of course he wants you back home, being the breadwinner, doing all the chores, writing out little lists for him etc, etc. Sounds like a really cushy thing he has with you.

Just to let you know, I did all the lists for my stupid selfish ex and you know what, he would still 'forget' and before long its back to the norm of the woman doing it all.

Most of us have experienced this type of man and are telling you exactly what will happen if you go back, fgs value yourself more, op, and end it once and for all, hes a fucking dick!

HeedMove · 23/04/2018 23:55

Even if you do all he suggests..will that fix your sex life and lack of desire for him?

Butterymuffin · 24/04/2018 07:00

When you were talking, did the sex issue get discussed, OP?

Zaphodsotherhead · 24/04/2018 09:05

Sigh. Another one of these who knows what they've been doing wrong and can (seemingly) see the way that they have to do things to put it right.

But, somehow, in the preceeding 11 years he couldn't see any of this? If he knew what he should have been doing to make you happy - why wasn't he doing it then?

He'll get you back, pay lip-service to doing all the things to change, and then expect you to be happy when he goes off on his hobby for days at a time, 'because he's changed'. Oh, and the sex life won't get any better.

Because it's 'who he is', you know.

SevenStones · 24/04/2018 09:18

Like many others have said.

He's had 11 years.

You gave it another go for 2.

Why waste any more of your life on him?

You're 34, if you leave and look for someone else now you've got a good number of years to have children. If you waste any more time with this man you're reducing that time.

He's only saying all this nice stuff to get you to stay with him. Once it's "blown over" in his mind, it'll be the same old same old. Please don't let him take you in. He's spent the last two years of trying again showing you who he is.

macnab · 24/04/2018 09:35

OP I can see you're torn, because you seem like a nice balanced person and you don't want to cause trouble or hurt. Splitting is such a huge step, doubts are totally normal.

I really think at this point, the very best thing you can do is give yourself time and space. Even just one month. But really make it count. As others have said, stay in your rental place. Limit contact with him. Just see what life would be like without him. A month is no time in the great scheme of things, if he loves you he'll give you that. At least then you'll have the headspace to think things through more clearly. You took such a big step by leaving, please don't let that be in vain. Now is the time to put yourself first, just for one month. Do it. Then re-evaluate. Wishing you happiness Flowers

mapaca · 24/04/2018 11:01

Stay strong. You already gave it another go. You have given him every chance and he still didn't step up. Picture the housework that's probably piling up in the house since you left, bet he hasn't lifted a finger, waiting for you to come back and write him a bloody list!

Cut contact and give yourself some head space.

lifebegins50 · 24/04/2018 13:36

Op, I can completely understand your dilemma as you do have history and as you say a level of connection.
He is offering solutions but I wonder if the root of the issue his underlying beliefs.

Do you feel he truly respects and values you?

Just that is what is coming over.We can all take our partners for granted at times but if there is respect its pretty difficult to maintain that thinking for a period of time.

tootiredtospeak · 24/04/2018 13:40

Youve done a lot more than ithers would with counselling etc. I know of someone in a very similar situation with a young child involved. My advice to them now theyve msde that commitment and there is no abuse is keep trying. My advice to you is stop. Time isnt on your side really cut your losses and move on.

BanyanTree · 24/04/2018 14:04

OP, before I comment fully, I just want to say that I am in agreement with the other posters that you should leave your DH mainly because you are not getting along.

However.....I read your posts and I actually feel a bit sorry for your DH. I grew up in a very male dominated environment with men who I consider to be absolutely fantastic. Men who would throw themselves in front of a bus so I wouldn't get hurt. All of them are pretty crap at housework, buying presents and remembering peoples birthdays. They have other qualities they lack too. That is just the way some of them are. There is a very old saying that "you can't see the wood for the trees". This was probably made up with men in mind because most of them are like that.

I'm not making excuses for him. I actually think you should leave him for both your sakes. I am just concerned that you are going to be really disappointed when you find that 99% of men are like this. I don't think he sounds all that bad TBH. If you are not happy though you should leave.

gamerchick · 24/04/2018 16:10

I am just concerned that you are going to be really disappointed when you find that 99% of men are like this

Seriously, just how low is your bar?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 24/04/2018 16:18

How are you today, OP?

Do you really want to spend another 3 years in this limbo?

I think it's time to be brave and make that decision. You do deserve to be happy.

seventh · 24/04/2018 17:49

I am just concerned that you are going to be really disappointed when you find that 99% of men are like this

Maybe 99% if men in YOUR world

HazelBite · 24/04/2018 18:19

I would say stay separated for the time being, don't overthink things and just get on with your day to day life.
When I separated from my Ex H he moved back in with his parents and we discussed trying to "sort" things out, but the separation showed me that I didn't really miss him (I did initially) and I felt more content without him.
Give yourself some time and space to think consider and decide. Don't take into account all the promises /suggestions he is making, you have been here before, nothing will radically change because no one can really change.
Can you see yourself being content to be with him for the forseeable. I can tell you from experience that when children come into the equation it puts an enormous pressure on any relationship, are you prepared for this?
If you are not content in your relationship now it for sure is not going to get any better.
Have some time and space to yourself to think clearly, I would also suggest no contact with him for at least 6 weeks to give you that breathing space to make your best decision.

category12 · 24/04/2018 18:25

Well, blow me, hang onto him, OP, he won the "not all that bad" prize. He just missed "could be worse" award by a whisker. Doesn't really matter that he's mostly interested in himself and the sex is gone, keep doing everything for him! He might get the "but he makes you a cup of tea" recognition he deserves next time.

lovemenot · 24/04/2018 18:42

I agree with the poster above who said give yourself one month.

The current lip service he is spouting is just to get you back where you belong. One month, include counseling if you wish, will be the kick in the arse he needs to get his act together. Or it won’t. Or it won’t matter because the freedom and space you gift to yourself will show you exactly how you feel about him and your life with him.

FinallyHere · 24/04/2018 18:52

He will try to be less dominating in conversation and when we make plans

Big of him

don't think he's malicious, but he is thoughtless and selfish sometimes.

And hard work, in the way a good relationship is not

11, eleven years

If you keep doing what you do (forgiving him, taking him back, giving him another chance) you will keep getting what you get.

I think the PP who suggested you have a break for a month, and (also) do the freedom programme.

Quartz2208 · 24/04/2018 18:53

@banyantree you mean none of the men in your life work and expect the wife to do everything including earn the money as that is a poor excuse for a man

Strigiformes · 24/04/2018 19:44

Hi, op this is going to sound harsh but do you think he just doesn't want to be alone? It doesn't sound like you have much chemistry together and he only seems to value you when you want to leave him. I think that he is probably very convincing when he needs to be and then slacks off when he thinks he's safe. You can do much better. Try going no contact for a month to test your feelings and also to see if he can respect your wishes enough to give you space.

Original poster
yeahbutnogah · 24/04/2018 21:25

Thanks again everyone for your words of advice and support. I'm still processing everything that's going on here. Been eating healthy, not drinking and trying to take care of myself while this happens.

I am just concerned that you are going to be really disappointed when you find that 99% of men are like this

This is one of my main concerns. I talk to friends and look around me and it's slim pickings out there. I read posts on here and wonder what I'm complaining about because DH is not terrible.

It's hard to get all the history and context down in a few words but I think a bit of background is warranted here. There's a 10 year age gap between me and DH. When we met, he was already established in his career, worked long hours and earned substantially more than me. At the time, I was young and was just starting out in my career so I felt I should do more of the wifework to compensate. But now I've risen to the top of my field and have a stressful job with long hours and earn almost twice as much as DH. Plus when I turned 30, I think I went through some changes - I know myself better, I'm more confident and assertive. So in a way, I think I built a rod for my own back by being more passive/accommodating in the early days and now I'm expecting him to change and do more.

OP posts:
Original poster
yeahbutnogah · 24/04/2018 21:26

Anyway, the reason I wanted to add that is because when people say he's had 11 years to change, it's only the last 4 where this has been an issue for me.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 24/04/2018 21:34

you should not let your concern make you stay in a relationship you are unhappy in

and certainly he does not sound like a good dad

and 99% of men are not like him or worse at all

category12 · 24/04/2018 21:37

OK - but where does that leave you? (The backgroud/age gap explains him treating you like a little girl with the worried about you being alone thing a bit).

You've changed and grown - which is not his fault.
But you can't reverse those changes (nor should you wish to).

I just don't see how, if you resent his behaviour now, you can possibly stick with it and potentially have dc together and be happy. Having dc shifts it all up a whole other gear. Like, hugely.