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Original poster

On the verge of packing a bag, help!

163 replies

yeahbutnogah · 19/04/2018 06:25

I don't know where to start but looking for some support/advice as I decide what to do next. Basically I've been stuck in limbo for 3 years deciding whether to stay or leave my marriage.

I'm 34 and been with DH for 11 years, married for 5. No kids yet. He's keen to get started but our relationship hasn't been in a great place so I've held back. Obviously at my age, time isn't on my side so I need to get a wriggle on and do something either way.

On the positive side, DH is smart and funny. I often see/think something and know he's the only person who would "get" it. We like the same films, music etc. and are generally on the same page when it comes to life views.

On the negative side, there's a lot of low-level stuff that's built up and made me question everything. It's like I'm on a rollercoaster where we're happy one minute but the next he'll do something crap and I'm reminded of all the crap times and I start doubting everything again.

I told him I wanted to leave 2 years ago and he convinced me to stay and go to counselling. Things got better but they're still not 100%. I just don't know if I'm being fussy and should accept things or move on. I've absolutely agonised over this decision and it's driving me crazy.

After another bad week, I'm seriously thinking about packing a bag this weekend and moving out. It's not like he's done anything terrible (no abuse or cheating), it's just daily shit that grinds me down e.g.

  • I'm the main earner yet still do the lion's share of the wife and housework.
  • He prioritises his hobbies over things which should be more important.
  • He also talks A LOT. He loves his own opinions and ideas to the point I feel like mine don't matter.
  • Our sex life is almost non-existent these days.

Anyone been in a similar situation and have any helpful advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
yeahbutnogah · 23/04/2018 20:37

Appreciate everyone's points about not going to the house but I did go. I felt I owed it to him and our marriage to at least explain why I left.

This is what he's saying now:

  • Apologised for the things he said on the phone. Said he didn't mean them, was just shocked and upset.
  • He has been really stressed at work (this is true) which is why he was so shit last week.
  • He has spent the day thinking of ways to fix things. His ideas:
  • We sit down together and work out all the things that need doing and then put them in a calendar/list. Says he needs to write things down as that's how his brain works.
  • We should work on communication - he's ordered a book. Wants us to go for lunch once a week to check in and see how things are going and continue the work from counseling.
  • He will try to be less dominating in conversation and when we make plans. Wants to come up for a way for me to call it out when he starts being overbearing.

What do you think of this?

It's such a head fuck. Part of me wants to believe that we can fix things and get past these problems. But part of me knows I've already been here before. Do I carry on with my plan and throw in the towel or give it one more shot.

OP posts:
TERFragetteCity · 23/04/2018 20:40

I told him I wanted to leave 2 years ago and he convinced me to stay and go to counselling. Things got better but they're still not 100%. I just don't know if I'm being fussy and should accept things or move on. I've absolutely agonised over this decision and it's driving me crazy.

You've already been there and done that.

We sit down together and work out all the things that need doing and then put them in a calendar/list. Says he needs to write things down as that's how his brain works.

Lol. He has had 11 years to make a list.

fuzzywuzzy · 23/04/2018 20:42

He’s had 11 years to be a decent partner.

Do you want to waste more of your fertile years hoping he will change?

Do whatever you want to do.

Look at the whole picture he’s had counselling before he’s made promises before.

Personally I’d ditch him and give myself time to meet a person who was decent to begin with and who I could see myself having a family with.

Aussiebean · 23/04/2018 20:46

I think you need to give it a break for a couple of months to see how you feel without him.

Then decide if you want to try these suggestions.

But remember. You have done this before. The ONLY reason he is saying his own is because you left. Not because he actually cared about you before then as you were doing what he wanted.

Pannacott · 23/04/2018 20:53

God no. He's putting (nearly) all the onus on you to manage his personality defects. Even if you were to do this he'd resent you for it. Don't feel guilty, and don't feel tied in due to sunk costs.

Yes any relationship ending is sad and very unsettling. It's not easy. But it will be so worth it in a year's time.

L1lacw1ne · 23/04/2018 20:55

He is promising you the world.
Why didn't he just make the effort before now?

He is reeling you back in by saying exactly what you want to hear.
Clever, dangerous man.

minimalpatience · 23/04/2018 21:03

You've been here before and that wasn't enough to make him step up. even if things improve for the next few months will he be able to sustain it?

I'm not saying leave, but do be selfish and think about what you want.

Take him and his wants / needs out of the equation. Likewise for everyone else.

The last thing you want to do is waste another few years and then break up and feel rushed re trying to settle down to have kids etc.

A female relative of mind was in a similar boat. She persevered and now she is in the process of getting divorced mid 30s and all over the place all because she worried too much about her partner rather than herself.

minmooch · 23/04/2018 21:07

He's had 11 years. He's not going to change. This is your chance to leave him and find someone who treats you with respect, who listens to you,who doesn't need you to write lists for him, someone who sees you as an equal. He's had 11 years to be this and only now is promising changes.

Don't waste any more if your child bearing years. There are great men out there.

BewareOfDragons · 23/04/2018 21:08

Nothing has changed. Nothing has changed. Nothing has changed.

Nothing will change. Nothing will change. Nothing will change.

Don't throw another 2 years -- 2 YEARS! - of your life away when you already know, deep down, that you are not happy in this relationship. You don't have children with him, so you can leave cleanly. Just do it.

And FFS, if you do consider it, which you really, really shouldn't based upon everything YOU have said, please be careful not to get pregnant until you're sure your marriage is going to work. Which it won't, because he is who he is and he has shown you he can't change. He wants to try again ... things he's already tried and failed out ... and blamed you for his failure.

To do lists? Really? WHo writes yours?

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 23/04/2018 21:14

All this "we" crap. Still making it your responsibility. Did he even apologise? Or acknowledge he's been an arse?

I agree with the others. Have a break. Experience life without him. Don't date or shag other men - that would just be a headfuck Smile

Tell him that if he's serious about saving the marriage then he needs to give you space and time.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 23/04/2018 21:17

Oh, and I almost forgot. What about the non existent sex life?

category12 · 23/04/2018 21:17

Deep down do you think he can actually stick to this? After 11 years of piss-poor partnership?

Also can I point out a few things -

  • "we" have to write a list/set up a calendar (he's an adult, how is it that he can't write his own list?)
  • "we" work on communication (but he wasn't listening when you communicated before, it's taken this to get him to take notice)
  • you have to call him out when he's domineering Hmm

He's not really taking a lot of responsibility here > he didn't mean what he said, he doesn't know what needs doing, he needs you to make him listen. Hmm

Tbh, you're out the door, you're 34, you have time to meet someone else to have dc with - the more time you spend trying to make it work with him the more that window will get smaller.

category12 · 23/04/2018 21:19

The more that window will shrink. Terrible writing there.

Ryder63 · 23/04/2018 21:31

Sounds like a lot of hard work - he wants you to manage his behaviour, instead of simply adulting himself. Prioritising hobbies, no sex, lists, gah!

RandomMess · 23/04/2018 21:38

I think you know deep down it's over, you've heard it all before...

Just end it.

gamerchick · 23/04/2018 21:39

He’s fishing, do you really want to nibble on that dangly worm?

He’s took no responsibility at all, He’s just saying what he thinks you want to hear.

Tell him you need some time alone and when he won’t give it to you, you’ll know he’s spouting crap. You’re interrupting his nice life, the sooner he has you back home the better.

Just take a time out and see what life is like without him.

gamerchick · 23/04/2018 21:43

And remember though, that worm he’s dangling, you’ve already had it in your mouth. It’s chewed and soggy. Do you think it will taste better if you chew on it again?

Quartz2208 · 23/04/2018 21:43

he is making excuses and passing the onus back onto you

Continue to get away - you have gone back before and nothing changed, this is no different

Original poster
yeahbutnogah · 23/04/2018 22:19

Thanks everyone. I'm back in the flat now and trying to think things through.

I don't think we're in the same place we were two years ago - things are better, just not right. I also don't think he's malicious, but he is thoughtless and selfish sometimes. He has said sorry and is taking responsibility for his part in all this.

Looking back, he did know something was wrong last week and asked me several times to talk to him but I couldn't be arsed. That's a bit shit on my part and the point he's trying to make about communication.

Another thing that's bothering me is that he's crap when it comes to thinking of other people's birthdays, Christmas etc. He often forgets or doesn't make an effort. Talking to friends, it seems like that's the norm for men but to me it's a bit of a red flag and shows a lack of empathy/care.

Ugh. No idea where to go from here. It's just one foot in front of the other at the moment.

OP posts:
Weezol · 23/04/2018 22:25

My marriage (no kids) ended in the space of an hour seven years ago. I was 38. I haven't had a day of regret since. Truly, I haven't. So many traits in common with your husband, plus as an added bounus he been cheating on me with a 22 year old.

He actually thought he could spend a few weeks on the sofa while 'they' found a place. An hour later he was outside the door with a change of clothes, a face like a slapped arse and no house keys.

It seems he really didn't know me at all. He married the OW in Vegas and now she looks as ground down, knackered and washed out as I used to.

Original poster
yeahbutnogah · 23/04/2018 22:30

now she looks as ground down, knackered and washed out as I used to

Lol. You should see my face, I look like absolute shit right now!

OP posts:
Weezol · 23/04/2018 22:33

Have no further conversations/texts/FB with him for a week minimum. Nada, zio, zilch.

Ask him to respect your wishes in this. He won't.

category12 · 23/04/2018 22:38

I don't think it is the norm for men. Most of the men in my life have made a fuss over birthdays and stuff.

But it fits with your dh's character - he doesn't make the effort with birthdays etc, his hobby (what he wants to do) gets priority, he doesn't take the weight off your shoulders, he likes the sound of his own voice - he's just very self-centred. He'd be awful to have dc with.

gillybeanz · 23/04/2018 22:51

It sounds like he is calling the shots here and expecting you to fall in with his suggestions.
It obviously isn't going to change as you've been here before.
He will be the same if you have children with him, except you'll be doing all the parenting and housework whilst he has his hobby.

TERFragetteCity · 23/04/2018 22:54

Another thing that's bothering me is that he's crap when it comes to thinking of other people's birthdays, Christmas etc. He often forgets or doesn't make an effort. Talking to friends, it seems like that's the norm for men but to me it's a bit of a red flag and shows a lack of empathy/care.

More bullshit. Men are perfectly able to remember dates. Weird how they get themselves to football/cricket/rugby matches/gigs/parties/holidays/take annual leave etc...and yet have memory losses when it comes to home stuff.

You accept this nonsense at your peril.