Oh fucking shit. My Dad has accidentally sent me an email revealing that he is paying for sex.

[namechangedforethicaldilemma]

My Dad has been married to my step-mum for quite a few years, she is lovely, I really like her. My Dad originally split from my Mum when I was tiny because he cheated on her.

I'm borrowing my dad's holiday home next week, so he has been forwarding me emails between himself and the hire car provider as he has organised it with a guy he knows. He has accidentally forwarded me a thread between himself and a 21 year old (vom. I'm 34) where they discuss meeting for sex and money being exchanged.

What in the name of holy fuck do I do now? I'm fucking shaking.

What would you want your Step Mum to do if she was sent an email like that from your DH?

I would be sickened to get an email like that from Dad even if he was free and single. The fact that he had already cheated on my mum and then was cheating on my Step Mum would be the last straw. I would lose all respect for him.

The fact that you consider her a friend is what makes this so difficult. I think I would tell her in the most gentle way and ask her what she wants you to do. Maybe she would prefer to pretend it didn't happen or maybe she will start getting her ducks in a row, but at least that way you give her some control over the situation.

I also wouldn't want my DH being friends with my Dad any longer considering he has the morals of a tomcat.

I’m not sure if anything would come of a conversation with dad. You’d both be awkward and he’d be unlikely to admit to stepmum, or to stop the meetings. He’s probably been doing it for years.
I’m stumped to know what to suggest.

Forward it back to your Dad, and then leave the next move up to him. If the SM does know, then it'll be less damaging that way. Grim...

It is awful for your stepmum, but you need to think about you first and foremost, and your relationship with your Dad. Would you rather bring all this out into the open and deal with it, or would you rather just try to forget it? Personally I'd work on repressing that memory asap!

Just out of curiosity, how do you know she's 21?

Id just send it back to him with a ' don't think this was for me ' note

Morally of course the right thing to do is make your step mum aware of this. However, you need to bear in mind that pretty often it's the messenger that gets shot and also, it could do irrepairable damage to your relationship with you dad. Personally I would never mention it but you have to go with your gut on this but if you do be be prepared for a possible massive shit storm and the family being blown apart/divided.

No I think that’s her father’s job. OP needs to make him aware he must tell her. It’s only if he didn’t that she would need to tell SM herself.

My first instinct would be to not say anything but I knew a man who died from penis cancer and I (have reason to) suspect he was seeing call girls for decades.

In my mind it is all about respecting people enough to allow them to make their own choices. While this is being kept a secret from your stepmum, she isn't being allowed to choose whether she stays with and sleeps with a man who cheats on her with prostitutes.

She is relatively young she may decide she would rather be with someone who respects her and is faithful - until she is given information about what is going on she can't make a proper choice about her own life.

As an adult she has that right, it would be appalling if you, your father, and your Dh all knew and kept it from her and she found out at a later date - her trust in all of you would be gone.

I feel hugely sorry for her - I have been in a similar position and I chose to divorce my H when I found out. I felt very violated knowing he was sleeping with other women and yet was still having sex with me. And that was a period of months - if it had been going on for years and people close to me had known and not let me know, I would have felt utterly betrayed by them as well as him.

What Kurri says.

I would absolutely do what @FreshStartToday suggested.

You cannot unsere this, and why should you have to live a lie of pretending you didn't and having it affect the whole relationship you have.

The damage is done, he needs to explain himself to you and what he thinks he should do.

I mean what would your father say if he and your step mum accidentally found a mail from your DH arranging this?

I'm so sorry op, it's just totally grim isn't it.

Un-see sorry not unsere

I could not lie by omission or collude with with the guilty party in keeping a health risk of a secret away from an unknowing and innocent person.

If more people spoke up against this kind of issue, people may think twice at engaging with this shifty risky and disrespectful behaviour.

I would delete it and pretend I'd never seen it - it seems to be the easiest way out, but what about your conscience? Would you accidentally forward it to your stepmum? That would open up a whole new can of worms. The first course of action is obviously the safest. I don't envy you this dilemma. "Least said, soonest mended," was a mantra of my dear old mum.

I agree with razor I would feel so guilty if I did nothing. I would have to tell SM.

I also strongly agree with doing what FreshStartToday suggested. There's no way I would delete and pretend it never happened.

I'd have no respect for my dad after seeing that, a 21 year old ewwww!

I would tell him you have seen it and you want HIM to tell your stepmum.

Your stepmother may know and be fine with it. She may turn a blind eye. You have no idea what goes on in other people’s marriages.

I would say nothing. Do nothing.
Not your business.

Your father is involved in the repeated abuse and exploitation of young women. This isn’t a consensual affair, this is him using a girl young enough to be his granddaughter as an object to fuck.

Horrifying. I think freshstart’s idea is good too.

Sorry you’re having to grapple with this OP.

I agree with polecat i think maybe, MAYBE an affair with another similar woman of your SM age would be different, perhaps you could leave that alone, because it's their marriage etc etc.
BUT paying for sex with (young) woman in potentially dangerous and bad situations is not ok. I think freshstart has the right approach. Good luck, it is an awful situation to be in.

I'd tel,him and ask him to tell your sm, how she deals with it isn't your problem, but I'd want to be certain she knew.

just knowing would completely change how i saw my dad. and that would be the case if he hadn't already split with my mum because of another affair of his.

that he has that in his history as well - just emphasises what a weak and selfish person he is. i don't think i could overlook this.

i can't believe how many people are suggesting delete/forget. normally MN is so militant when it comes to men cheating.

I've actually been in this exact situation. My dad sent me a text clearly meant for a sex worker.

He then phoned me in a panic asking me to delete it without reading it. I just said i would.

We have never spoken about it.

The huge difference is my dad wasn't cheating on anyone so that's really difficult for you.

I think that, as a woman and a feminist, my loyalty would be to the stepmum. She needs warned that her shit husband has put her at risk of HIV, syphilis, gonorrhoea, hepatitis, chlamydia and potentially cancer via HPV. She needs an urgent trip to the clinic to rule these out or seek treatment as appropriate.
I don’t think OP’s despicable father deserves any consideration at all, since he clearly shows none to any of the women in his life. He has cheated on both wives and upset and revolted his daughter.
I’d forward the email to the stepmother pronto, and let her deal with it as she sees fit.