Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Oh fucking shit. My Dad has accidentally sent me an email revealing that he is paying for sex.

341 replies

namechangedforethicaldilemma · 17/04/2018 13:10

My Dad has been married to my step-mum for quite a few years, she is lovely, I really like her. My Dad originally split from my Mum when I was tiny because he cheated on her.

I'm borrowing my dad's holiday home next week, so he has been forwarding me emails between himself and the hire car provider as he has organised it with a guy he knows. He has accidentally forwarded me a thread between himself and a 21 year old (vom. I'm 34) where they discuss meeting for sex and money being exchanged.

What in the name of holy fuck do I do now? I'm fucking shaking.

OP posts:
TeeBee · 17/04/2018 14:35

OP, out of curiosity...has it changed your perception of your dada? Is it likely to adversely affect your view of and relationship with him?

ParisUSM · 17/04/2018 14:37

I think I probably could delete it from my mind to be honest. I would think it was nothing to do with me. But that goes back to what I was saying earlier, we're all different and I've never really understood people coming on MN for advice on things like this.

PetulantPolecat · 17/04/2018 14:39

I think if he was having an affair with someone similar to your step-Mum, I’d do nothing and think it’s their marriage. But he’s paying young (most likely vulnerable) women to have sex with him!!!

That is spectacularly different and so much worse.

I’m shocked at the number of posters saying do nothing on this site.

Godowneasy · 17/04/2018 14:40

How grim. This is one of those things you can't ever 'unknow' and it will affect your relationship with your dad whether you speak to him or not about it.

Personally, I'd let your dad know what I saw, and ask him whether he's happy to support an industry that traffics and abuses young girls and women for the sexual gratification of men like him. Would he be ok if you had got involved in the same industry as a young woman?

Then I'd ask him whether you dsm knows.
.

TeeBee · 17/04/2018 14:41

I certainly wouldn't be letting him off the hook so easily by not saying anything. Grim as chops.

squeaver · 17/04/2018 14:41

Do you think he's realised he's done it? How good is he usually with emails and technology?

squeaver · 17/04/2018 14:43

Also: can you tell from the email if this is an on-going thing, or the first time with this particular person?

Original poster
namechangedforethicaldilemma · 17/04/2018 14:43

No, he won't have realised. For a smart man, he is crap with technology.

Ok, DP will be home later. I'll talk to him after the DDs are in bed.

OP posts:
TinaTop · 17/04/2018 14:43

If it was a friend I'd tell the wife. But it's your father. Not only is it awkward for parents and children to discuss sex, you also don't want to jeopardise your relationship with your dad or be a factor in his marriage breaking up. For that reason I'd probably delete and never mention it.

Cakecrumbsinmybra · 17/04/2018 14:44

I agree with godowneasy. It would really affect my view of my dad if I found this out and could not just "delete it from my mind" (can people really do this?).

RatRolyPoly · 17/04/2018 14:45

No. If the OP tells, then it's the OP who will be the cause of pain. Her dad will only be the cause of pain if he gets found out.

That's not how I see things. If someone is locked in an invisible cage are they only being wronged if they find out about it? No, the person keeping them locked in is doing something wrong to them regardless of whether or not they know about it!

So if I can open the eyes of that caged person to see the bars around them, am I the one who's done them wrong? Nope, I didn't put them in there!

The most important thing in life is not always to go through it in blissful ignorance. Some things in life - like truth, and freedom (real freedom to make choices, not just the perception of freedom) - are more important than avoiding pain.

Sorry to go off on one there, didn't mean to derail.

backsackcraic · 17/04/2018 14:45

I think I'd tell your dad you need to speak to him face to face and tell him about the email and see how he reacts.

KittTheCar · 17/04/2018 14:46

I couldn't further all about it, for those saying it is none of ops business, it's her close family. It's not like it's a not very close friend or a work colleague or something.

If this was me I would not be able to look at my dad in the same way again ever.

I don't know what I would actually do though. Probably ask to meet him and ask what the fuck he thought he was playing at and then, well. Mine has had lots of affairs and this would be the last straw. Paying for sex is a different ball park, and it's something I feel strongly about.

TeeBee · 17/04/2018 14:46

'You also don't want to jeopardise your relationship with your dad'...see now this wouldn't be an option with me. It would definitely affect my relationship with anyone. I don't think that any relationship would be so precious that it require me to turn off my brain and morals to sustain.

pigmcpigface · 17/04/2018 14:47

Nicely put rat. I am frequently upset and astounded by the number of women on here who seem to think that living in ignorance of a partner's cheating is somehow preferable to knowing about it. Confused

FreshStartToday · 17/04/2018 14:48

Yy to talking to DP - don't keep what you know from your partner.

Then, I would put the ball back in your df's court. "Dad, I can't pretend that I haven't seen this. What do you expect me to do now?"

Then if you do meet up to talk, he is the one that has to do the talking . . .

KittTheCar · 17/04/2018 14:48

Also disagree strongly that op would be causing pain.

How does that even work? It's him who is married and paying for sex with women much younger than his own daughter.

SomeKnobend · 17/04/2018 14:48

If nothing else, your stepmum deserves to know she should have a sexual health check.

BasilTheCat · 17/04/2018 14:48

I think even if you deleted it, it would still play on your mind.
I can see not wanting to hurt your relationship with your dad though.
Think I would forward it back to him and wait for him to make the next move.

TatianaLarina · 17/04/2018 14:51

From a literal POV If SM had an untreated STI that resulted in PID or worse - DF would literally have caused SM pain whether she knew his secret or not.

Dancingmonkey87 · 17/04/2018 14:54

Personally I couldn’t look my step mom in the eye knowing my df was visiting prostitutes. I would tell her.

Original poster
namechangedforethicaldilemma · 17/04/2018 14:54

FreshStartToday Thanks, I like that idea. Make him explain himself. It really shouldn't be me that is feeling like shit about this!

I agree, Step Mum needs to know she might have caught something. I don't think I can pretend not to have seen it, I have now felt ill and filled with anger for hours.

Morally, I tend towards the mindset that things are better in the open.

OP posts:
AdoraBell · 17/04/2018 14:57

I wouldn’t be able to pretend it didn’t happen, it would be obvious that something happened. And that would lead to family members enquiring and trying help.

So I would forward the email back to him and as suggested Confused Dad, was this meant for my info/doesn’t make sense/has your email account been hacked?

The last option would give him an out. I’m not saying it’s okay to cheat, but this isn’t your business and so you really shouldn’t have the do I tell or keep out of it worry on your shoulders.

MrsDilber · 17/04/2018 14:58

So sorry op, what a grim situation. I'd tell DP and see what he says. Good luck.

AnneTwackie · 17/04/2018 14:58

The only thing I have ever heard worse than this was a friend who was using chat roulette (randomly matches you with men on their webcams for chat) and came face to face with her dad who was wanking furiously and he smiled before recognising her, shudder.
I realise this is not very helpful OP. I’d message back “you need to talk to your wife”