Oh fucking shit. My Dad has accidentally sent me an email revealing that he is paying for sex.

[namechangedforethicaldilemma]

My Dad has been married to my step-mum for quite a few years, she is lovely, I really like her. My Dad originally split from my Mum when I was tiny because he cheated on her.

I'm borrowing my dad's holiday home next week, so he has been forwarding me emails between himself and the hire car provider as he has organised it with a guy he knows. He has accidentally forwarded me a thread between himself and a 21 year old (vom. I'm 34) where they discuss meeting for sex and money being exchanged.

What in the name of holy fuck do I do now? I'm fucking shaking.

Def don't keep it from your DP. Why should you keep your father's vile secret?

I think this would change my whole relationship with him. He might be a lovely GF, but what sort of man does that to his wife ? Esp one with a daughter! Does he have granddaughters?
That 21yo is someone's gdd.

I agree. He's a wealthy older man exploiting young women. It's awful.

I can't believe he would do this to step mum. She is gorgeous, intelligent, incredibly successful and just a wonderful human. My DDs adore her. I think she is ace. I'm so upset.

Blasted DP having to work until 7. I'm doing the after school activity nonsense and really struggling to keep it together.

Like I said before, tell your Dad your computer believed it was spam so that you and your dad's relationship remains intact.

Then later, after you've thought about it carefully, try and engineer a way for your step mum to see the email exchange so she can make her own decisions

I think I would have to tell my dad he had to tell his wife what he was doing. He is endangering her health. And not allowing her to make her own decision re whether she wants to stay in a relationship where her husband doesn't feel obligated to stay true to her.

I would send him a ‘sent in error’ type response - “I don’t think you meant to send this to me, dad. I am not happy to know this - I am very fond of SM and this is very unfair to her”.

Hi OP you have accidentally posted in your usual account just to let you know

My feeling is that you should tell her, as I don't think you'll be able to just pretend you didn't see anything. Or you could confront him and give him the opportunity to come clean.

Either way, you've been put in an impossible position.

I'd be devastated for myself, never mind the stepmum (the poor woman). You only get one dad and to discover that mine, as a father to daughters, was objectifying someone else's much younger, probably skint daughter, would make me question everything. Sorry

The problem with asking the father what he expects OP to do is that he might well say that he expects her to delete the email and keep his secret for him.

I would arrange to meet step mum at her house, tell her that your dad has accidentally forwarded a very unpleasant email which has an impact on her health and their marriage, and give her the option of reading it or not. She deserves to know what kind of diseases he’s exposing her to.

You might want to pull your recent post to protect your privacy (or ask MN to change the username).

I wouldn’t ask him what he expects me to do, simply tell him what I expect him to do - tell SM.

I’d return the offending email to your dad with a note attached saying “I don’t think this was meant for me, are you expecting me to keep your dirty secret from poor step mum?” Lots of angry faces.

I’d not want anything more to do with him, he sounds a letch. I would let his poor wife know why you are going no with him. He is a dirty old man and a serial cheat, not a nice combination.

OP - you don’t know anything about the inner workings of your father’s relationship and/or arrangement.
They are a different generation and may look at these things differently to how you look at them.

There may be unspoken things they are going on that they want to keep that way.
Forcing your stepmother to bring this to light and publicly acknowledge it may be the worst thing you can do to her.

This is really none of your business, it’s his. He is an adult and those are his choices.
If you feel that strong that you need to get involved - at least talk to you father, not force the poor woman to deal with it.

You would be surprised - but many women in that age group - would prefer not to know and live their life in peace. Especially if the relationship overall is working well.

Really - think carefully before you change their lives, and possibly not for the better.

OP if your DH was paying sexworkers, and accidentally sent an email about it to your stepmum, would you think she should keep quiet, as it’s none of her business, not her marriage etc? Even if your DH was having sex with someone who was HIV positive and had herpes and syphilis?

I’m truly astounded at the people who say delete it and forget it.

I’m a GP and a patient of mine had sex with prostitutes regularly. He was found to be HIV positive, but said he wasn’t going to tell his wife. They continued to have sex together. How can anyone think it’s right to stand by and let that happen?

I can't believe how many on here are saying do nothing/delete.
That's the coward's way out surely?

You owe it to your poor step mum to gently tell her

As others have said your father could well be putting her health at risk.

If he continues down this sordid path your step mother will find out eventually. Imagine how she would feel if she discovered you knew but said nothing.

Something very similar happened to me, OP, messages on a web platform to a sex worker also declaring his love for her. I rang my DF to ask him what the hell he was playing at. I did not tell. However, he panicked and bad mouthed me to my DM and DSis. They believed me, but the shock and distress has been hard to bear. Eventually they did not so much shoot the messenger as ostracise her... but you know what? It wasn't my fault. You haven't behaved badly OP, its not your fault.

I couldn't see my dad in the same light after that. He cheated on your mum, them married a much younger woman, then cheated on there with an even younger woman I'd struggle to deal with that TBH.

I agree that yout should tell your DP to get some support for yourself.

Minychoc isn't there an obligation to tell the police in that case, as a crime is being committed against the wife?

Is it possible he has an arrangement with his wife to seek sex elsewhere?

someknobend it was a medicolegal nightmare, and as I recall it was the infectious disease consultant to who told his wife.

maybe your step mum is part of it

Just saying!

Delete. Do nothing. Say nothing. He may realise his mistake and that's for him to live with the cringe. You carry on as normal.

i would forward the email back to him then STFU about it tbh

I had similar once and am so glad now I never said anything

Mintychoc that's interesting is there any time that a doc can break confidentiality at all? Sorry for the aside but I never realised that. Deliberately infection people with HIV / not telling them had resulted in prosecution, I kind of assumed that a doc could do something of crime esp assault/ abuse was involved.