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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Oh fucking shit. My Dad has accidentally sent me an email revealing that he is paying for sex.

341 replies

namechangedforethicaldilemma · 17/04/2018 13:10

My Dad has been married to my step-mum for quite a few years, she is lovely, I really like her. My Dad originally split from my Mum when I was tiny because he cheated on her.

I'm borrowing my dad's holiday home next week, so he has been forwarding me emails between himself and the hire car provider as he has organised it with a guy he knows. He has accidentally forwarded me a thread between himself and a 21 year old (vom. I'm 34) where they discuss meeting for sex and money being exchanged.

What in the name of holy fuck do I do now? I'm fucking shaking.

OP posts:
RatRolyPoly · 17/04/2018 14:07

No worries OP.

My relationship with my Dad is great. He's a fantastic grandfather, DP and I get on with him really well, we visit just to hang out with them as often as we can.

That being the case, I wouldn't simply forward it to your stepmum as that doesn't respect the relationship between yourself and your dad IMO.

What I think I'd do is send it back to your dad telling him that whilst you're obviously shocked, you'd like the opportunity to meet with him and talk about this. If it were my dad I think I would stress how he'd always been there for me, no matter the mistakes I made, and that I plan to be there for him. But also that he'd raised me to have high moral standards and compassion for others - i.e. your stepmum. And that I would like an explanation of how he was planning to broach this with her, if he hasn't already.

Hold onto the fact that things can't get better until everything's out in the open, and there is some slim hope still that this could be a moment when the damage he's undoubtedly causing could be stemmed, and your stepmum have the chance to regain power over her own destiny.

Ugh, god this is heavy stuff. The things life throws at us!

HoneyBadger32 · 17/04/2018 14:08

give him a ring...

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/04/2018 14:08

If you want to think about it, file the email away. I think I’d want to say something. Especially as this isn’t the first time.

Coveredinbeeeeeeeeeeeees · 17/04/2018 14:09

Just reply back and say "I don't think this is for me". Then he knows you've seen it, and you don't really have to even talk about it. Imagine keeping it to yourself forever, it'd haunt you.

Thebluedog · 17/04/2018 14:10

Ok take out the fact it’s your Dad for a second, and imagine it’s a friends dh.

Firstly tell your dh, he knows your dad and might be able to put a different view on it.

Secondly, if it was your friends dh would you tell her? Only you can answer this.

How will this affect your relationship with your Dad, if you tell your SM or you don’t what will happen regarding you and your dad. I will say now though that please remember this is HIS doing and not yours. So whatever happens it’s his fault

Personally, in your step mums position I’d want to know if my dh was having Alex with someone who’s old enough to be his daughter, and almost young enough to be his grand daughter. But that’s just me. You know her better than anyone on here.

fuzzyduck1 · 17/04/2018 14:10

Do nothing. If you reply you will make him feel a fool and may damage your relationship with him.
If you tell your sm That will either end there relationship or she’ll tell you she knows and to mind your own business and may damage your relationship with her.
I feel for you but I world just delete it.
Maybe mention it to him in person but not by email

Thebluedog · 17/04/2018 14:10

Sex not Alex 😂

Motoko · 17/04/2018 14:11

How would you be able to face your SM if you ignored it? You have to speak to your dad and get him to tell his wife.

HonkyWonkWoman · 17/04/2018 14:11

Delete! Forget about it! Nothing to do with you and no action needed from you.

Justaboy · 17/04/2018 14:12

Well what you do namechage is up to you probally best not to let your step mum know but seeings how most men who are to up to the bit on the side thing be that fling, affair, escort they it seems to me they want to be found out!

They seem incredibly carelss leaving a trail of mails and other social media posts around intrernet tcatches and the like.

The suggestion that was made "been up to old tricks again dad" might not be a bad line to follow, he might talk to you re why he is doing this.

Time40 · 17/04/2018 14:14

"I just saw you sent me an email but my computer would not let me open it because it has really strong spam/junk mail filters and apparently the contents was from a spam email address or something. Stupid computer confusing you with spam. Can you send it again?"

Something along those lines would be perfect. I'd definitely pretend that I hadn't seen it. You are not responsible for your father's private life - it is entirely his business. If you interfere, it will probably damage your relationship with your father for ever, and if you tell your SM, it will cause her the most terrible pain. Do you really want to be the cause of great pain? Keep out of it. Forget it.

Adora10 · 17/04/2018 14:14

If you say nothing then you are complicit in his dirty secret and potentially putting your step mum at health risk from STI's, I'd rather speak out that keep that to myself, he's gave you no option.

I'd have to speak to him about it.

Time40 · 17/04/2018 14:15

... and OP, remember that people tend to shoot the messenger. If you tell her, she won't love you for it. Sorry you are going through this; it's horrible for you.

Bexter801 · 17/04/2018 14:17

I personally wouldn't ignore it,reply telling your dad that your just not feeling it(he needs to be shown how horrible that was for you),and undoubtedly tell his wife,she deserves to know.

drspouse · 17/04/2018 14:23

If you interfere, it will probably damage your relationship with your father for ever, and if you tell your SM, it will cause her the most terrible pain. Do you really want to be the cause of great pain?

It is not the OP that will be the cause of great pain, it is her dad.

The relationship with her father is already ruined. I could not look my father in the eye if I knew this about him (or indeed any man I knew, especially one with a relationship to my DCs).

I also could not look myself in the eye in the mirror if I knew this and did not tell the man in question's partner.

Tell him you know and give him, say, a week to tell your stepmum. Let him know that you will be talking to her about it after that time.

I'm so sorry this has happened - things will never be the same again whatever you do. I hope you can continue to have some kind of relationship with your stepmum.

RatRolyPoly · 17/04/2018 14:26

I should say as well that I think it would be better for your stepmum for your dad to tell her, if at all you think he would.

And that please don't feel obliged to do what any one of us here would; it's only yourself you have to look at every day in the mirror. You don't need to live up to what any of us think is right.

ParisUSM · 17/04/2018 14:27

I would personally delete it and not mention it to anyone, but we're all very different and all have different relationships with our parents so really you're not going to get the answer on here.

Time40 · 17/04/2018 14:29

It is not the OP that will be the cause of great pain, it is her dad

No. If the OP tells, then it's the OP who will be the cause of pain. Her dad will only be the cause of pain if he gets found out.

TatianaLarina · 17/04/2018 14:29

Who are all these women who would leave another woman at risk from untreated STIs?

Did you understand what the long term consequences of untreated chlamydia gonorrhoea, siphyllis etc are?

ParisUSM · 17/04/2018 14:30

BTW more people pay for sex each week than go to the cinema, I'd be surprised if no one on this thread has a partner who has done so.

mummymeister · 17/04/2018 14:31

You cant just delete it from your brain though can you OP? once something has been seen and read it cant just be unseen. next time you meet up with him it will totally on your mind.

I don't agree with telling your SM. the issue of the e mail is between you and your dad. the issue of the relationship is between him and his wife.

I would send the e mail back and write "Dear Dad, you sent this to me in error. if you want to discuss this with me then please let me know and we can meet somewhere and have a confidential conversation about it. we are both adults and should deal with this situation like adults"

you have to also be aware that this is massively going to change your relationship with him and your SM. no one is that good an actress that it wont. so, sorry, I think you do need to tell your DH because he is going to notice something is off kilter with you quicker than anyone.

you just have to remember, this situation that you have been put in is all of his doing. you weren't prying into his private business. if he can be this careless with you, who else has he sent things onto in the past?

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 17/04/2018 14:34

I would probably delete it and try to forget I ever saw it. I would be especially cautious about telling your stepmother - in my experience many women do not want to be told stuff like this.

If it's any consolation, the woman is unlikely to actually be 21. If she admits to 21 she's probably over 30 in reality.

TatianaLarina · 17/04/2018 14:34

Jesus I wouldn’t want to discuss it. There’s nothing to discuss.

I’d just email a reply:

“Seems you need to have a conversation with your wife”.

OldHag1 · 17/04/2018 14:34

Send it back... ‘I only wanted to hire a car not a prostitute’. Just joking.

Delete it and never mention it.

Madupfam · 17/04/2018 14:35

@OldHag1 😂 OP say that !.

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