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Original poster

I’m going on a date...but when do I tell him I have 3 kids?

157 replies

Digestivescusturds · 16/04/2018 22:07

I met him just over a week ago and we’ve been texting quite a bit since, so we decided we would go on a date and see how things go. This is my first date since ex husband and I broke up last June so nearly a year ago now. Do I tell him before the date or during? I also don’t even know how to bring it up, do I just blurt it out?

OP posts:
StormcloakNord · 16/04/2018 22:10

In all honesty I'd have told him sooner than this.
It can unfortunately be a deal breaker for some men so it would be unfair to wait until you find out you get on well/have chemistry and THEN tell him.

Also telling him ON the date is a bad idea. He could react nicely out of awkwardness and you'll set yourself up for disappointment if he's bothered by it.

I told DP in my 3rd message to him on OLD, I would do it sooner if I were you!

BillywilliamV · 16/04/2018 22:11

I would tell him fairly early on I think, as part of a general "tell me about yourself", it'll be obvious if he wants to run for the hills and you wont have invested too much time or emotional energy.

Againfaster · 16/04/2018 22:13

I'd say pre date. he could be quite annoyed at it being dropped on him later as it might not be what he wants to get into. Fingers crossed he is cool with it for you though!

EmmaC78 · 16/04/2018 22:13

I would mention it before as well. Better to find out sooner rather than later if it is an issue.

DianaT1969 · 16/04/2018 22:30

Pre-date. Then you'll know and won't feel disappointed if he loses interest after the date.

PrettyLittIeThing · 16/04/2018 22:48

Before. 3 kids is a lot to take on (I have 4) and I've been told I basically will really struggle to meet any guy willing to date someone with 4 kids. So yeh tell him before.

ThatchersCold · 16/04/2018 23:16

If you’re texting a lot I’d just drop something about the kids into text conversation rather than make a grand announcement which would be awkward. Something that implies you have more than 1! E.g ‘what are you up to this evening? I’m looking forward to the kids being in bed and putting my feet up with a glass of wine’. Or whatever. If you get radio silence back you know it’s a no no, otherwise it opens a conversation up about them.

Bit odd that you’ve been talking for a week and not mentioned them, that must take some doing! Don’t know if you met him on OLD but when I used to OLD I mentioned on my profile that I had kids. For a lot of people it’s a deal breaker and that’s fair enough, no point in either of us wasting time if that’s the case.

BlokeHereInPeace · 16/04/2018 23:27

Be honest. Tell him before you meet. How would you feel if the roles were reversed. (My partner who I love has two children, she told me before we met, they are brilliant to be around).

Aquamarine1029 · 16/04/2018 23:35

You MUST tell him immediately. Anyone you bring into your life you bring into your childrens' lives. If he isn't ready for that level of "complication", you need to know and it's only fair to him as well. If he doesn't want a relationship with a woman with children, that does not make him a bad person. We all have the right to choose what we want for our lives.

Pasdeprobleme · 17/04/2018 04:15

If you have been texting a lot, how has it not come up? Does he have children?

Agree, tell him before.

TeisanLap · 17/04/2018 04:20

He should have been told from the outset

octonaught · 17/04/2018 04:37

Tell him ASAP & give him a “jokey” out for the date.
Btw, you say you have been texting quite a bit. Have you actually spoken? I would say that’s the next step before meeting irl

forumdonkey · 17/04/2018 06:32

Wait until the date, it's only a date, you're not committing to marriage. Go out, enjoy your date and see if you like him first. I don't agree with PP about having to tell a total stranger your life story before you meet. It'll give you something to chat about on your date.

Pasdeprobleme · 17/04/2018 07:04

Not your life story no, but in an initial chat you usually at least find out where the person is from, what they do for a living and what their family situation is eg divorced, single parent. Not details, just the basics. Op says they have been texting a lot as well.

Oblomov18 · 17/04/2018 07:12

How can you not have told him? Hmm

VladPutin · 17/04/2018 07:14

Agree. You’ve been very sneaky not to mention it already

megletthesecond · 17/04/2018 07:15

Probably now. If he doesn't like it it saves you a wasted evening.

SoapOnARoap · 17/04/2018 07:16

I think you need to tell him ASAP. Would be a massive deal clincher for a lot of people.

ShatnersWig · 17/04/2018 07:54

forum But it's potentially wasting someone's time and money, depending on what sort of date it is and whether the woman is happy to pay half (amazing how many women on First Dates still expect the man to pay). If they don't want to date someone who had kids already, it's a bit off.

Having said that, if I was the guy I'd have somehow asked the question before it got to this stage.

PrettyLittIeThing · 17/04/2018 08:00

Something to talk about? The last thing I would wanna talk about on a date is someone's kids tbh. If I was single and childless I definitely wouldn't wanna date someone with 3 kids which is why I think it's best to tell him before.

Original poster
Digestivescusturds · 17/04/2018 08:25

I realise I should have told him by now, I’m just worried about how he’ll react. I don’t want him to think I’m saying because we’re going on a date you now have to raise my children with me but they are a huge part of my life. I met him in real life btw, when I say we’ve been texting a lot I mean for about 10-20 minutes every other night or so but I have been avoiding telling him a bit no idea why

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 17/04/2018 08:28

If you're worried about how he'll react then I'd say it's even more important to get it out of the way now. Then you'll know one way or the other and can stop worrying.

MarthasGinYard · 17/04/2018 08:30

I'd say as you met him in RL but don't know much about each other. Meet for the first time for an informal style coffee/drinks etc and tell him then.

I think it's different than say meeting on line, as you haven't had to give info etc.

Pasdeprobleme · 17/04/2018 08:30

Why don’t you ask him if he has any children himself? That’s an obvious thing to ask just out of interest.

PrettyLittIeThing · 17/04/2018 08:31

Letting someone know you have kids isn't asking them to raise them. It's literally one of the things you tell people about yourself as it is a massive part of someone's life.

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