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Original poster

I’m going on a date...but when do I tell him I have 3 kids?

157 replies

Digestivescusturds · 16/04/2018 22:07

I met him just over a week ago and we’ve been texting quite a bit since, so we decided we would go on a date and see how things go. This is my first date since ex husband and I broke up last June so nearly a year ago now. Do I tell him before the date or during? I also don’t even know how to bring it up, do I just blurt it out?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 17/04/2018 09:42

At the risk of sounding like a soppy old romantic isn't it largely led by who you fall in love with not tick boxes on a spreadsheet?

Generally falling in love takes more than one date where as being put off by three kids can be an immediate deal breaker. Hiding the fact you have kids is not a good idea. Ever.

Lizzie48 · 17/04/2018 09:42

But you don't know whether the man you're meeting is someone you want a long-term relationship with or not. It may be that you would like to have a long-term relationship with someone but you don't know that you will have that relationship with that particular person.

When I arranged to meet my now DH (it was a blind date after exchanging a few emails, though through friends not OLD, that wasn't a thing then really), I was looking for a long-term relationship but I didn't know before I actually met him that anything would come of it. You often have to 'kiss a few frogs first' as the saying goes.

Onemansoapopera · 17/04/2018 09:43

"This isn't a random internet stranger, they've been talking for a week"

I have no words.

ShatnersWig · 17/04/2018 09:45

Teatea You're a soppy old romantic Smile

If someone is, for example, resolutely childfree and neither wants their own children or to be a stepparent, then it's a total dealbreaker and they wouldn't even want a first date with someone who wasn't on that same page.

youokayhun · 17/04/2018 09:47

I know how you feel and had this come up a lot during my time OLD, I got on really well with a guy for quite some time before arranging a date and hadn't mentioned it and my reasons felt the same as yours...it's just a date. Don't want the guy to think your expecting marriage and a dad to your kids right?! I ended up "confessing" just before the date....he said if he's seen it in my profile or from the off he probably wouldn't have bothered but after getting to know me
It wasn't a problem although a shock, I ended up having quite a long relationship with him and he wasn't the "kid type" - although it did end (my doing) I just couldn't see him in my kids life in the long run!

TheCrystalChandelier · 17/04/2018 09:50

The problem with waiting and not telling someone until a couple of dates in is that if you get on well and the chemistry is there the man has to then be direct as to why he is ending the relationship if it turns out that children are a dealbreaker for him. And whether we admit it or not, most people would feel hurt if someone ended a potential relationship (even a short term one) because of their children.

And not disclosing children until several dates in Puts pressure on the other party because many people do still think of saying no children being a dealbreaker is a shitty thing to do, which it isn’t, but there is still an expectation there, and people will still feel pressurised into accepting the kids if they’re a couple of dates in and all has gone well up till that point.

I know someone who didn’t disclose their disability to a new partner until about six months in. New partner had actually realised that they had a disability well before then and didn’t think that it warranted a mention. What the person didn’t realise though was that said disability was genetic and therefore they were fairly far into a serious relationship at that point when the bombshell was dropped that any potential children could inherit said condition. This changed everything.

Lizzie48 · 17/04/2018 09:52

You should of course tell him you have DCs before you actually embark on a relationship with with him. My point is that until you've actually had that first date you don't know whether you want a second date, or that he will want a second date for that matter

In the OP's situation, though, she's met him in RL and they've been texting for a little while, so it probably would be a good idea to mention in passing about her DCs. He might well have DCs himself.

But I don't see anything wrong with just mentioning it on the date. You might after all find that neither of you want to pursue a relationship anyway.

Onemansoapopera · 17/04/2018 09:52

Disabilities and children are not comparable in the slightest are they.

The man is dating you, not the children. Reading this thread I get the impression every date is a marriage interview these days, apparently.

BitchQueen90 · 17/04/2018 09:58

I'm against the grain here and actually wouldn't tell anyone immediately that I have a child. Sad as it is there are some men out there who do deliberately target single mothers and I'm very wary about that.

I would tell at the end of the date though if he asks for a second date and then the ball's in his court.

Onemansoapopera · 17/04/2018 10:03

The fact that it could ever be considering 'hiding' your children because you choose not to talk about them to a random (though maybe very lovely) first date is just odd. I see my view is diametrically opposed though to the majority. But then I am also an OLD 'success' story which is also diametrically opposed to the majority on the relationship board so wrong crowd, probably.

What do you think is right OP?

Teateaandmoretea · 17/04/2018 10:05

It is a deal breaker, yes but so are loads of things.

Teateaandmoretea · 17/04/2018 10:06

She isn't hiding anything, it just hasn't come up.

Dancingleopard · 17/04/2018 10:07

Digestives

It’s a date. He doesn’t need to know your life story before it.

If a man won’t go on a date with a woman because she has kids then sorry he is a dick anyway.

I think it’s really sad that a single parent mother has to give her date a get out clause.

I told my dh on our first date I couldnt have kids, he was fine with it (we actually went on to have two) but should I have told him before hand just in case he wanted to marry me and have a family and didn’t want to waste money and time on a barren woman Hmm

Dvg · 17/04/2018 10:11

sorry i would have told someone as soon as we started talking so no one wasted time.

ShatnersWig · 17/04/2018 10:11

Teatea Although the OP said "but I have been avoiding telling him a bit" so the reason it's not really a case of it hasn't come up, she's chosen not to tell him.

Dancing No, that's bollocks, quite frankly. I assume any woman who doesn't want to date a man with kids is also a dick? It's called personal preference and it's perfectly and utterly acceptable.

Teateaandmoretea · 17/04/2018 10:15

sorry i would have told someone as soon as we started talking so no one wasted time.

This is the mindset I don't get. If he'd didn't go on the date he'd waste time on his x box. Most of life is a waste of time Smile

Dancingleopard · 17/04/2018 10:20

wasted time ffs!!Hmm

Maybe before a date you should submit a disclaimer and full financial accounts too!

What the guck happened to just going for a bloody drink with some oneveity out marrying yourself off. Sounds desperate to be honest !

Dancingleopard · 17/04/2018 10:20

Obviously that should be **fuck (fat fingers!)

PrettyLittIeThing · 17/04/2018 10:20

*"This isn't a random internet stranger, they've been talking for a week"

I have no words.*

Yes a week is long enough to mention that you have kids. By internet stranger I mean putting it on your profile for all to see. He obviously didn't approach her because she has kids otherwise he would be actively seeking women who say they have kids. I'm not saying she knows him I'm saying a week is more than enough time to tell someone. I get not telling every single person you speak to but this clearly isn't the case here.

Pasdeprobleme · 17/04/2018 10:24

If you’re texting regularly it can come up naturally eg what are you doing this evening?/just picking up the kids/watching a film with dd/whatever

ShatnersWig · 17/04/2018 10:25

Dancing Question remains, is a woman who chooses not to date a man who has children also a dick?

Dancingleopard · 17/04/2018 10:26

A date shatners is just that. ONE date. I’m
Sorry but if you go to every date expecting for it to turn in to long term commitment/weddings/buying houses together then your desperate !

It’s really weird to view a first date as a potential long term relationship and like I said before - desperate!

I went in a date with dh just for a pick me up. I’d not been out in a while and fancied a night out. I went with no expectations. There was no list of tick boxes Confused

ShatnersWig · 17/04/2018 10:29

Dancing So a woman who won't date a man with is a dick then? Nice.

Obviously the sexes are reversed, but if you were a woman who was very keen to have a child and were in your late 30s you might very well view a first date as being a major potential big deal. And we see that on here often, women being told to take dating very seriously if they are really keen for a child and time is moving on.

Aprilmightbemynewname · 17/04/2018 10:32

I met dh in a bar, told him I had dc in the first sentence.
He needed to know he wouldn't I wouldn't be available 24/7!!

Dancingleopard · 17/04/2018 10:33

shatners

A woman who refuses to do on a DATE just because he has kids but seems lovely in every other way -YES.

A women who refuses to go in to a relationship or continually date a bloke with kids NO because obviously there wasn’t enough about the bloke to keep her interested.

Single parents get a bad rap as it is, it’s really twatty to write some one off because they have kids before you’ve even sat down with them.

Why the fuck should any one have to write they have kids in an internet Dating profile Shock Christ on a bike!