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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I’m going on a date...but when do I tell him I have 3 kids?

157 replies

Digestivescusturds · 16/04/2018 22:07

I met him just over a week ago and we’ve been texting quite a bit since, so we decided we would go on a date and see how things go. This is my first date since ex husband and I broke up last June so nearly a year ago now. Do I tell him before the date or during? I also don’t even know how to bring it up, do I just blurt it out?

OP posts:

Teateaandmoretea · 18/04/2018 09:03

No see for me I'm selective with who I would go on a date with. If others aren't then good for you! But some of us don't just want to date just anyone.

But you engage with OLD....? Isn't that the cause of most dud dates?

Onemansoapopera · 18/04/2018 09:18

Not that selective prettylittlething if you would regard someone you've spoken to for whole seven days as no longer a stranger.

You sounded anything but selective when you posted that.

As is commonly the case Joysmum nails it succinctly and prizeoik explains it perfectly.

MsGameandWatching · 18/04/2018 09:25

and like I said he lied to me and told me after I had fallen for him.

If you don't walk away after a lie of thar magnitude, fallen for him or not, you need to take some responsibility for what comes next imvho and you certainly are not selective.

buddhasbelly · 18/04/2018 09:39

When I was OLD, if I had been chatting to someone that I got one with, after approx 3 times of chatting I would say...

Just to let you know and to be up front, I have a dd. Saying now in case we want to meet up. Totally understand if that's not for you, just wanted to be honest

Either I would get a reply saying it's fine or he would say, sorry not my bag, whereby I would reply saying no need to apologise, take care!

I didn't put it in my bio but always said prior to meeting up with someone. What's the point of you discover that person isn't interested in someone with kids (obviously dependent on if it's it's relationship you're both looking for).

Always parted ways with men who werent wanting kids on good terms.

buddhasbelly · 18/04/2018 09:41

If course one of the ones that said it wasn't a problem did lunges on the first date but that's a whole other thread.

buddhasbelly · 18/04/2018 09:42

Why did I say first date? That implies there was a second!!!

Original poster

Digestivescusturds · 18/04/2018 09:44

For anyone wondering I ended up telling him last night (accidentally posted before finishing) he was pretty calm about it, didn’t exactly expect it though. As for anyone who has mentioned things about safety, If this does turn into something I wouldn’t introduce him to my kids until we’ve at least been together for a bit and I know him well. Also for their sake, I wouldn’t want to keep introducing them to different men.

OP posts:

PrettyLittIeThing · 18/04/2018 09:49

I was 21 at the time. I haven't old in about 8-9 years so if I did I certainly would be selective. I had already cleared up the week comment. I get not saying it to someone you've just got chatting to online (as in haven't swapped numbers etc) I get not putting on your profile however in a week of talking to someone no I do not get keeping it from them. But choose to twist it all you like. If I was to old I wouldn't be interested in someone who had kids, with ex I stated to him as soon as we started speaking. He asked me what I'm interested in a partner and I stated no kids (amongst other things), he choose to not tell me and instead spring it on me after, not sure if it's classed as a lie but I would certainly say dishonest.
It's nothing against single parents so no need to be so sensitive.

Pasdeprobleme · 18/04/2018 09:53

When are you meeting up with him op?

Original poster

Digestivescusturds · 18/04/2018 09:58

@Pasdeprobleme on Friday

OP posts:

FlippingFoal · 18/04/2018 11:39

How many times on the step parent forums do we hear "Well you knew what you were letting yourself into". How do you if people aren't honest straight away. I always said that I would never get with a guy with kids and then I met my DP. He didn't tell me straight away, and he didn't introduce me to the kids straight away - it's hard to walk away when you have fallen for someone just because they have kids. Him an the kids aren't the problem really, it is his ex using the kids to score points that is. It's hard and it isn't the life I want for myself. I addition to ending up being SM to two kids that I never expected to be in my life, I also have to accept that my DP doesn't want any more children so I will never have that myself. That is another thing to factor in - quite a lot of people with kids consider their family complete. To date someone without kids when This is the case is just dishonest. But then at what point does it become so heart breaking that you can just walk away? :(

myusernamewastakenbyme · 18/04/2018 11:59

I honestly dont think many men are bothered about taking on a woman with kids...ive got 3 and haven't struggled to date at all.

Lizzie48 · 18/04/2018 12:14

I'm so sorry, @FlippingFoal that's awful. I think if you don't want more kids you should definitely be honest about that from the start. I can understand you feel completely lied to. When did he tell you he didn't want any more kids?

FlippingFoal · 18/04/2018 12:42

@Lizzie45 - it was as his ex became more and more unreasonable he admitted he couldn't ever face being in this situation again. The risk of splitting and having a relationship with a child diluted and weakened by only seeing them EOW. He is such a good dad and would love nothing more than to see them every day. I was his first relationship after the split and even though it was 5 years since their breakup, she didn't take it well. I don't think he realised when we first met, just how hard things could be made for him. I think when we first met it wasn't even something that entered his head

Lizzie48 · 18/04/2018 12:52

That explains it, very hard for you both. And obviously you saying that you wouldn't do that to him doesn't help

Lizzie48 · 18/04/2018 12:52

Posted too soon there. Such a difficult decision for you to make, unmumsnetty hugs.

GhostedDad · 18/04/2018 13:00

Thank Lizzie - time to stop hijacking now though. It does illustrate the impact it can have on someone's life though

Springtrolls · 18/04/2018 13:16

Glad you told him. Good luck on Friday.
Some blokes are okay about having kids. Others not so. The ones not so ok, well it wasn't meant to be. I had a shocker recently, thought he would have run a mile when I said I had 4 dc's because of his age. Met up 4 times in over a week, and have a few things planned over the next few weeks.
Whereas other blokes, they say that it's fine, have the first date and that's it. Although sometimes I think as well that some blokes think because you have kids that you are a bit desperate to jump in bed with any man.

Olddear · 18/04/2018 13:25

I've never wanted children and I wouldn't date anyone with children. If I was really serious about wanting a relationship then 'dads' would have to be weeded out!

MadMags · 18/04/2018 13:26

I have kids and I still wouldn't go near someone who had kids, so definitely better to tell upfront, I think.

Lizzie48 · 18/04/2018 13:53

I confess I wouldn't want to date someone with kids either now. (I'm happily married so hopefully I won't have to think about that but you never know sadly.) But I would never want to have to go through nappies and potty training again, or deal with another child's tantrums. And it wouldn't be fair on my DDs anyway.

So I do get what posters are saying on this thread.

Poopooweewee · 18/04/2018 16:14

Single parents get a bad rap as it is, it’s really twatty to write some one off because they have kids before you’ve even sat down with them

What a load of absolute codswallop.

I don't want children and don't want to date someone with children. My time is precious and I wouldnt be happy to waste an evening on a guy who would be a total non starter for me. I'm happily married now but pre marriage I did a lot of OLD and real life dating. I would find it v odd if someone didn't tell me before we met that they have children. Having said that, I always asked before we met. It was probably one of the first things I asked.

Poopooweewee · 18/04/2018 16:22

Dancingleopard

"wasted time ffs!!*

You might otherwise be sat at home watching corrie in which case a first date that doesn't fit the bill won't matter, but to some it might. In my single days I had a v busy life (still do!) and so yes, spending an evening with someone I had no intention of ever seeing again was a huge, avoidable, waste of my time.

Teateaandmoretea · 18/04/2018 19:18

I really think poopooweewee this thread is a weird through the looking glass situation. I have never OLD'd yes I am that old/ coupled up. Therefore I'd only ever have accepted a date with a bloke I fancied in the flesh in the olden days. Going for a date could therefore never be a waste of time even if I didn't like his personality/ we were incompatible long term for whatever reason. My eyes are being opened on this thread to modern 'dating'. I'm not convinced tbh that the Internet is helping. The initial driver to me needs to be whether you actually fancy them and you can't decipher that online can you?

I feel like an old granny on this thread

xpc316e · 18/04/2018 19:59

I am loving the people who state that he should have been told right away. Perhaps they think you should get the information that you have three children tattooed across your forehead?

My partner told me on our second date that she had three children, and it made no difference to me. That was nearly 16 years ago and we're still going strong, so ignore the doom merchants who will tell you that nobody will take on a woman with 3 children in tow.

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