I’m going on a date...but when do I tell him I have 3 kids?

[Digestivescusturds]

I met him just over a week ago and we’ve been texting quite a bit since, so we decided we would go on a date and see how things go. This is my first date since ex husband and I broke up last June so nearly a year ago now. Do I tell him before the date or during? I also don’t even know how to bring it up, do I just blurt it out?

Or maybe in one of texts just word in 'took dc swimming tonight' or something. Then it's out before you meet up

I don’t agree with pp’s about telling every man you are talking to online. There are creeps in the world that prey on single mothers to get to the children. Although rare, it does happen. I also don’t think it’s vital to tell someone every detail of your private life before you have met.

When I was dating post Exh I would meet for one date, see how it went and if it progressed further I would tell them then. Didn’t really see an issue doing it this way tbh. A couple of men ran for the hills, fair enough. A couple of men really didn’t mind, also fair enough. You can never gage how they will react but I don’t agree you need to inform them before even meeting.

I am about how can you not have told him? She's only just met the bloke. Ffs she's a grown woman she has a past, her having dc is a possibility. Perhaps he had kids too? Perhaps the date will just be a laugh a good old shag and they'll never see each other again. Why the seriousness about it? Just chill out have a laugh with him and see where it goes.

Unless you are about 16 yo, he will have worked out in his pretty little head that there is a fair old chance that you have children already. And he will wish to be telling you about his children.

Unless you said you didn't have children...

I agree with not telling single men on dating websites you have dc early on as many women are in denial about or ignore how prevalent child sexual abuse, paedophilia and child porn actually is.

In fact, when your dc are so vulnerable and dependent on you to foist a strange man into their lives must take a huge leap of faith.

Background checks should be the norm.

A man is single for a reason. What is that reason? I would spend all the early days trying to find out as much as possible about him (in the least intrusive way unless there was the obvious red flag like having a psycho/crazy ex/flashes of jealousy/possessiveness/stalkerism/roadrage/lovebombing).

As a lot of men enjoy talking about themselves it should be an easy enough task to find out if they have dc and are in their dc's lives, and if not, why not?

Do the groundwork and put your dc's safety and happiness first.

MrPan Why? When I read your comment and stopped to think about it, I actually know more women in their 30s and 40s without children than with children. And while it is still the case more women have children than not, many women have children much later, so even if the OP was in her late-20s it's still nonsense to say there is a fair old chance she will have children already. It's a foolish assumption, these days, in my opinion.

'Unless you are about 16 yo, he will have worked out in his pretty little head that there is a fair old chance that you have children already.'

Eh

No it isn't a foolish assumption that she might have children. Of course she might not equally but I'd seriously wonder about any adult man who thought dc were a shocking revelation. Yes he may not want to get involved, fine but that's kinda the point of the first few dates isn't it? To work out if you want to get involved/ are compatible.

A man is single for a reason. What is that reason?

Sorry, but what the actual fuck, fluffy? Are you seriously suggesting that every man who doesn't happen to be in a relationship today must have something wrong with him, or has some deep dark secret that will endanger you or your child?

And I am indebted to you for sharing your opinion with me, Shatner.

You're very welcome Pan

This is a date. Maybe date one. Maybe a one off. Your children and family are part of your private life, not for general consumption. You have absolutely no obligation whatsoever to disclose anything about your personal life to a stranger and I'm a bit in shock that other think you do. If you decide to see each other again, then so be it and you can tell them more about yourself and your life. If its a dealbreaker at that point, oh well.

I understand why you haven't told him op. I would drop it into the conversation before the date to be honest.

I have 3 children and met my now boyfriend 4 years ago when they were 5,6 & 7.

Not every man will run for the hills but a lot would.

Enjoy your date

I really would t worry too much. It's the kind of thing men usually ask on a first date on my experience.

I hope the date goes well!

I would be wary about mentioning your DCs before a first date. As PPs have said there are men who prey on single mums, that really does happen. One of my friends has recently faced the distressing fact that her second husband abused her DD, did it while she was at work. Her first husband had left her for another woman and she had MH issues so she was vulnerable.

If I were ever to be a single mum I think it's unlikely I would ever trust another man around my DDs, being also a victim of childhood SA myself. Obviously I'm not saying the majority of men dating single mums are perverts, but the reality is that there's no way of knowing. At least hold off introducing him to your DCs for as long as possible.

I just dont think every person you meet has a right to know all about your personal life off the bat. Its a privilege to get to know each other, not a right and as such you don't just give it out to anyone who asks. I think this is why lots of women struggle/fail with OLD. They're too free with everything to whoever comes along. Their minds, emotions, personal information. They demand instant intimacy and trust because that's what they're intent on giving on the basis of nothing at all, instead of valuing themselves and the other person enough to let it build. Your children are your life and not everyone you come across needs to know about your life, unless they're going to be a significant part of it.

Please tell him before the date. Some people wouldn't want to date someone with children. I prefer to date someone with kids then without.

Are you looking for a long-term relationship?

Or are you just looking to casually date?

Because if the latter, there is no need to tell him anything as he will never meet them and you aren’t interested in a future with him. If the former, agree with everyone else that you should have already told him and you’ve wasted both of your times. It would be a deal breaker for me too, if a man already had 3 kids. That is a huge amount of time/commitments in his life for the next decade or more.

I personally didn't tell DH about DD when I met him on Tinder. I told him three dates in when it looked like it might become something.

He met DD after about 4 months or so, 3 and a bit years ago now. He's a fabulous stepdad.

Background checks should be the norm. A man is single for a reason. What is that reason?

@fluffyrobin I'd still like your explanation for this and the implication behind it. I'm surprised no one else picked up on it. Imagine a man coming on here and saying there was something wrong with every woman who happened to be single.

Telling someone when it looks like it might become something is selfish IMO. My ex didn't tell me he has a kid until after I fell for him. I was majorly pissed off as I would never want to date someone with kids (I was single and 21) I did stop speaking to him after that but he wouldn't leave stop calling me. I think it's something you should tell people pretty early on. This isn't a random internet stranger they have been speaking for a week so he obviously didn't target her because she has kids.

If he is going to be put off by this would you not rather it was before the date? I certainly would.

I'd just drop something into the texts, like "kids being little horrors today, be glad when they all go to bed"or something like "been helping kids with homework, when did school get so hard😊"

And leave it there. See what he says, if anything.

Please tell him before the date. Some people wouldn't want to date someone with children. I prefer to date someone with kids then without.

At the risk of sounding like a soppy old romantic isn't it largely led by who you fall in love with not tick boxes on a spreadsheet? It's one evening I can't believe the angst over whether or not to meet someone for a drink . There are all kinds of deal breakers further down the line and children may be one.

I think some of it is that I am old and on line dating has perhaps to some extent taken the place of traditional first dates where people went often knowing little about each other other than they had nice eyes or something.

Everyone is single for a reason, take gender out of the equation. It could be something low key that's absolutely no issue up to something really terrible and eveything in between.

People are daft if they don't wonder or try and suss out people when dating and if you have dc then you do need to be extra cautious.