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Original poster

I’m going on a date...but when do I tell him I have 3 kids?

157 replies

Digestivescusturds · 16/04/2018 22:07

I met him just over a week ago and we’ve been texting quite a bit since, so we decided we would go on a date and see how things go. This is my first date since ex husband and I broke up last June so nearly a year ago now. Do I tell him before the date or during? I also don’t even know how to bring it up, do I just blurt it out?

OP posts:
Pasdeprobleme · 17/04/2018 10:34

On plenty of fish you have to fill in a yes or no box if you have children and also if you want them in the future.

Dancingleopard · 17/04/2018 10:37

Obviously the sexes are reversed, but if you were a woman who was very keen to have a child and were in your late 30s you might very well view a first date as being a major potential big deal

Or just desperate - which comes across.

If you had bothered to read my post up thread I told my dh ON our first date I couldn’t have kids. We got on great and he was totally fine with it. Should I have text ‘ oh by the way before our first date I should let you know I’m infertile’ ... Grin

Dancingleopard · 17/04/2018 10:40

Shatner so basically she is just looking for a baby making machine? Confused

Maybe that’s where she is going wrong tbh...

Trinity66 · 17/04/2018 10:47

You probably should have told him straight away, I would tell him asap

privateporcupine · 17/04/2018 10:59

I could well be a dick. Having read the Step Parenting board on here, I don’t know that I would consider dating someone with kids, even once. Once could be all it takes to fall for someone and think you can muddle through all the potential shit, and before you know it you’re 2 years down, miserable, and posting on here about “if I’d known then, what I know now...”

Dancingleopard · 17/04/2018 11:13

private The step family’s board on here is not a yard stick for real life. Not by a long shot.

What if you closed the door on some one that could bring so much happiness in to your life just because of what might happen.

You could end up a very lonely old person all because you had a tick box sheet that no one could fill..

Bluntness100 · 17/04/2018 11:15

Single parents get a bad rap as it is, it’s really twatty to write some one off because they have kids before you’ve even sat down with them

I don't actually agree with uou on this. Plenty of people never wanted kids, or struggle with the fact they can't have any and don't want to parent someone else's. Or their kids could be grown and they don't want to go back and do the younger years again, sharing a home with children and all that involves.

SammyL100 · 17/04/2018 11:22

I would tell.

I went on a first date with a guy when I saw his phone screensaver was a photo of a teenage girl. I asked who she was and he sheepishly said "my daughter".

What bothered me was not the fact he had a kid but more that he hid it from me, like he was ashamed. No one should be embarrassed or ashamed of their kid!

Similarly a close male friend went on a date with a girl and found out she had a 3 year old child through mutual acquaintances. When he asked her about her son and that she had bot told him before , she got very defensive and said "why should I have to mention it??". He replied "Cos he should be the most important person in your life".

He also said he was more troubled by her hiding the fact she had a kid and how defensive she was than the fact she was a parent.

Teateaandmoretea · 17/04/2018 11:26

I think the point is though bluntness that this is a first date. You could have a great casual relationship with someone for a while without having to do any of those things. Not every date ends in marriage.

She needs to just mention it as part of telling him about herself. Make it no biggie and if he decides to not see her again then fine.

kingjofferyworksintescos · 17/04/2018 11:30

@Dancingleopard
Sorry I disagree with you , I have never wanted children and defiantly wouldn't want be a stepparent to someone else's children . If I was single and looking for a partner a man with children would be a total deal breaker so it's much better that this fact is disclosed from the start

Pasdeprobleme · 17/04/2018 11:40

Agree there. I would only consider going out with someone with older children. I would hate to be with someone with little ones. It would be a non-starter so why waste time on a date?

pudding21 · 17/04/2018 11:41

It is clear form the responses there is no clear answer on this. Personally, I only meet people I connect with on chat, so I normally mention kids before we meet. I have no intention of having someone in my life at present who would meet the kids. That would be a long way down the road.

However, I have had guys disappear after telling them I have children, most take it well and it doesn't bother them. So, i would rather know pre date, if a guy would do a runner if he knew I had kids. Then he isn't worth wasting my time on and vice versa.

For those talking about safety etc: one date does not mean she is going to introduce her kids, and everyone we meet can have an ulterior motive. Usually caution should apply to meeting people in real life and OLD.

Personally I would tell him by dropping it into conversation before you meet if he bails, you have your answer, I certainly wouldn't hide it if I was asked (and guys do ask).

pornlover · 17/04/2018 11:43

OP you don't have to tell him anything personal about your children but he needs to know you do have them.

Bluntness100 · 17/04/2018 11:43

Tea, I think if people are only looking for a casual relationship and both parties are on the same page, then I agree with you. I just don't think it's that simple.

However if either party wish ultimately for something more then there is nothing wrong with not wishing to commence a relationship with someone who has kids if you know that's something you just do not wish in your future. For many people it is a deal breaker and that's fine. Many people also want more than a causal relationship even if that's all they get, so being honest is important.

In addition having kids is not something to be ashamed of. Hiding them really indicates you're worried it will put someone off and why would you wish to be with someone who would not wish to be involved with your children, unless you both agreed it was nothing more than a casual relationship and would never go anywhere at the start.

GhostedDad · 17/04/2018 11:44

As someone who doesn't have children I would expect to be told before I went on a date with someone

privateporcupine · 17/04/2018 11:56

Dancing I know, and you’re right, I base my comments on more than just what I’ve read on MN. And I’m a single parent myself, so it works both ways for me. I accept I’m a no go area for some men. I respect that.

It’s a life choice to be made, and like all choices it’s a risk, but one I’m becoming more inclined to take. I see no point in getting myself into a situation that I have no interest in ever becoming permanent.

There are millions of men out there, and some fantastic fathers, but I am looking for a long term relationship where I don’t envisage myself helping raise another persons children, or have to schedule my life around them, etc. Worse than me passing up a few men, would be getting involved with someone and his kids, only to essentially reject them in years to come because I can’t adapt.

Lizzie48 · 17/04/2018 12:06

I told my dh on our first date I couldnt have kids, he was fine with it (we actually went on to have two) but should I have told him before hand just in case he wanted to marry me and have a family and didn’t want to waste money and time on a barren woman

Yes that would be difficult. I'm genuinely a 'barren' woman, thankfully my DH was very willing to adopt so we did. But I know a lot of people don't feel that way, or are not permitted to adopt because of health issues.

I do feel that first dates are being taken much too seriously. It should just be viewed as a nice meal and a drink and seeing if you get on. (I was dragged to look at a model railway by my now DH, we met at a Severn Valley Railway Station. I'd have preferred the coffee shop personally, but I obviously forgave him lol.)

But I'm a bit puzzled at how the OP could go through a whole week of texting with this bloke and not mention her DCs. I wouldn't manage that.

My DSis met her now DH through OLD. He had a DS from his first marriage. She knew about him very early on, probably straightaway, I don't know), but didn't meet him until the relationship was serious.

meowimacat · 17/04/2018 12:27

When I was first single with my twins the first guy I really liked I avoided telling him I had twins for weeks. I was so terrified it was off putting, as to me if I was single and childless it would be a deal breaker. I remember eventually telling him and he went from being really interested and wanting to see me, to basically changing completely. Part of that reason was probably because I wasn't just honest and upfront!!! Another part is the truth that, some people just don't want someone who has kids!

However, a year on from that I have always been honest and upfront. I disagree that you should hide that you have kids. Saying you have kids doesn't necessarily mean you're prone to meet creepy guys. You still have to be very selective about who you meet, and also not introduce you're children early on. After all it's you they're dating, not your kids! But I have found there are lots of lovely childless men and single dads who are actually interested in taking me out.

I was so scared that nobody would want me. But to some people it really doesn't matter. I used to be so offended when I'd read on someone's bio "don't want to date anyone with kids" - but now I think, thank GOD because I wouldn't want to date you either!!

Tell him now, and say you totally understand if that's a deal breaker for dating, but that you'd like to meet him anyway if he wanted to, even just to get to know each other. Leave it with him to decide, but what's the point in wasting both of your time if for him it's a massive no.

colditz · 17/04/2018 12:31

before you get there!

colditz · 17/04/2018 12:33

Most men who seek out women with kids aren't doing so because they're paedophiles. It's because they either already have kids and want her to be good with their own kids, or they don't have kids, and don't mind them, but don't want any and therefore want someone who is done with having babies.

meowimacat · 17/04/2018 12:38

colditz - actually I find that most guys I speak to who don't have kids but are happy to date me even though I do, actually want kids themselves it's just "never really happened" - so I guess either they hope that as I'm a mum already I may be more open to having kids, or that if they never get the chance, at least they could be part of a family unit, which is what they want.

Lizzie48 · 17/04/2018 12:41

I don't think anyone is saying that the majority of men interested in women with children are creepy. That's clearly not the case. It's just that it's impossible to know whether a man can be trusted.

I guess the best way is to tell them as soon as you start chatting and he appears interested in getting to know you. At least then you know that he hasn't taken an interest in you because you're a single mum.

It's a minefield and I wouldn't presume to know how you should handle it. Except to not allow a man to push to meet your DCs before you feel the time is right.

Bluntness100 · 17/04/2018 13:47

I think there is some sensitivity here. Someone not wishing kids, or not wishing to be a step parent is a lifestyle choice, it is not a personal insult to anyone or their children.

It's very different to being unable to have children. That's something you decide to share at an appropriate time, before the relationship becomes serious but if you think it has potential, it is very different to denying the actual existence of your children.

If they don't want kids and it's a deal breaker, then move on. You are not compatible.

It's fine not to want that in uour future. It's wrong to say someone is a twat because of it.

Huskylover1 · 17/04/2018 13:49

Single parents get a bad rap as it is, it’s really twatty to write some one off because they have kids before you’ve even sat down with them

What utter rubbish!

I'm in my 40's and my kids are 21 & 19 and away to Uni. I'm happily married, but if I was single, there's not a cat in hells chance that I'd date a guy with kids under about 17 years old. No way.

That doesn't make me a twat. It makes me a person who has already raised children in to adulthood, and who now is able to enjoy nights out, weekends away, adult only holidays etc. No way would I want to be babysitting or dealing with little kids. Or getting into a relationship with someone who still has to deal with an ex and pay maintenance etc. Fuck that.

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 17/04/2018 14:25

I once went on a date with a bloke who mentioned that he had kids. I was nice and pleasant for the rest of the date but afterwards texted to say I wasn't interested because I didn''t want to date someone with children.

He was quite horrible to me in his response so perhaps I should have told him on the date.