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Original poster

I’m going on a date...but when do I tell him I have 3 kids?

157 replies

Digestivescusturds · 16/04/2018 22:07

I met him just over a week ago and we’ve been texting quite a bit since, so we decided we would go on a date and see how things go. This is my first date since ex husband and I broke up last June so nearly a year ago now. Do I tell him before the date or during? I also don’t even know how to bring it up, do I just blurt it out?

OP posts:
BitchQueen90 · 17/04/2018 14:27

I don't think it's twatty not to want to date someone who has kids, it's personal preference and it's a big thing. I actually don't want a relationship at all these days as a single parent because I think a stepfamily scenario is way more hassle than it's worth to be honest and I don't want any more kids myself. I prefer casual set ups.

Dancingleopard · 17/04/2018 17:18

That doesn't make me a twat. It makes me a person who has already raised children in to adulthood, and who now is able to enjoy nights out, weekends away, adult only holidays etc. No way would I want to be babysitting or dealing with little kids

Why would they want you too? Do you not think people can have an independent relationship with another adult with out automatically turning in to step parent Confused

Onemansoapopera · 17/04/2018 17:19

I'm with you Dancing. Is a first date not supposed to be fun and lighthearted?!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/04/2018 17:25

Any news from OP? I like the idea of just dropping it into a text 'Just got back from picking the kids up' sort of thing. But agree to at least mentioning it before the date... seems misleading otherwise.

PrettyLittIeThing · 17/04/2018 17:26

Depends what type of relationship you are looking for. If someone was looking for a serious commited relationship then they would be taking on someone else's kids. Would be impossible keeping it seperate. Obviously if your looking for something causal then that's different.

Onemansoapopera · 17/04/2018 17:39

And you have to decide all that on the first date these days do you? Quite glad I'm out of it then.

Lizzie48 · 17/04/2018 17:58

I agree, @Onemansoapopera and I thought I took it seriously as well back when I was having dates. But I never supposed a first date indicated that we were assuming that an LTR was going to happen. It was just a date and a chance to see if we liked each other.

I'm also very glad I'm not looking now. Grin

Bluntness100 · 17/04/2018 18:07

In my experience people know what they are looking for before they start dating, if it's something casual or a relationship that may have potential.,

If it's the relationship , it's very hard to then have what may be a long term relationship to maintain separate homes because one doesn't want to be a step parent and not everyone wants that. It's also very hard to live with someone and their kids and not step parent.

I suspect you both know all that.

PrettyLittIeThing · 17/04/2018 18:09

Yeh I wouldn't want to waste my time as I wouldn't want to date someone with kids. So the date would be a complete waste of time.

Bluntness100 · 17/04/2018 18:10

It was just a date and a chance to see if we liked each other

If you'd be ok with this as a parent, that the other person had not told you there is no way a relationship was on the cards because no uou had kids, then fair enough. Not everyone feels that way. Most would like to think it was an option if they liked each other, not it was never on the cards.

Onemansoapopera · 17/04/2018 18:25

Bluntness I've always respected your views and thought you had a level headed take on things. You've surprised me here. Any first dates I've had arising from OLD (whilst being a mum) have only ever been about a social meet up and whatever happens, happens and never about a long term forecast of *WHERE WILL IT ALL GO". So I can only talk from my own experience and that of the men I've dated before marrying my last first date.

Bluntness100 · 17/04/2018 18:38

Thanks,,😄 I do understand what you're saying, it's simply I think if this is a no go for someone, it's better to be honest up front, rather than find out on a first date, unless of course both parties only want a casual relationship.

Many people have posted on here saying they wouldn't date someone with kids. I guess I just don't get the reason to hide it.

Dancingleopard · 17/04/2018 18:51

waste of time - I can understand if you have to pay a babysitter ect..

But if your single, no young kids, why is it a waste of time when you would be on a night out having (hopefully a good time) I’m not talking long term dating but the initial first date just to see if you like the bloke and his company. Why is it a waste of time if you have good time. You could have a shit time but that applies to Mr tick box list too.

I would find it really off putting an desperate if I went on a first date and it was pretty obvious the bloke was viewing me as a potential wife.

TeachesOfPeaches · 17/04/2018 20:13

Don't really see the need to tell them straight away unless you're looking for a new husband/stepdad for your children. If it's just a bit fun, enjoy it

Lizzie48 · 17/04/2018 20:24

I quite agree, @Dancingleopard how is it a waste of time? You have a nice time then decide whether you want to take it further. Could be the kids issue that puts your date off or it could be something else.

It just seems like too much importance is being placed on a first date.

Certcert · 17/04/2018 20:24

Tell him! Having children is nothing to be ashamed off, don't down play them, they're your children 😊

If he's not interested, that's up to him.

PrizeOik · 18/04/2018 05:06

I don't subscribe to the capitalist model of relationships. I don't "invest" my time/money in people, I don't get annoyed that they haven't been "worth my while". People are people, not stocks and bonds ffs. There is no such thing as people "wasting my time" by having a fun evening together.

I told my now dp on our second date that I had DC. On third date I mentioned I was still legally married and while the relationship was over, entanglements were still being undone in terms of property and so on.

He didn't bat an eye (he has no DC and doesn't want any of his own). We have been together for 2+ years now and he adores my DC.

I didn't mention anywhere on my OLD profile that I had DC. Why would I want to fly a LOOK AT ME flag for paedophiles... Made it clear in early texting that I was after company and a laugh and nothing more. I trusted that any interested man with massive deal breakers would make them clear himself; it's not for me to preempt those things for him.

It's not brain surgery. The existence of my minor, vulnerable children is not the business of a stranger. Women only insist on mentioning it because there's an implicit belief that women with kids are damaged goods (that capitalist thing again) so it's "unfair" not to tell the new man that early on.

It's nonsense.

adaline · 18/04/2018 07:21

Having dated someone with children in the past it's not something I would want to do again, and I don't think I'd want to get to know someone and potentially start liking them only for them to drop the bombshell that they have children on me.

If you want any kind of committed relationship and not just FWB or a casual fling, then existence of DC is a big thing. It's not offensive to single parents to say you wouldn't date one - it's personal choice! Would you really want to date someone who never wanted kids and had no interest in yours?

Yes, first dates are casual and blah blah blah but I wouldn't want to get to know someone for the purposes of a relationship if they already had children. That doesn't make me a dick - it's my choice! Hmm

Pasdeprobleme · 18/04/2018 07:36

On some online sites you have to declare If you have children or not and if you want them. On match.com you have to declare if they live with you or not!

CelticSelkie · 18/04/2018 07:45

Tell him immediately.
I have been dumped at circa 10 weeks about 3 or 4 times. They have fun but then bail cos you are a mother. Tell him and read his face v carefully.
I dont want a father for my dc they would laugh at me trying to shoehorn a stepdad in to their lives but men never believe that. 🤔

CelticSelkie · 18/04/2018 07:50

Certcert i agree. In the past i was almost guilty saying to a stranger that i had dc. Now i view it has an important part of life that i got right. I have kids. I have a good relationship with them. I have dated men with freedom but their dc werent speaking to them! And i felt embarrassed for having dc in comparison!? I own it now. Single relentlessly single but at least not wasting time with men who dont SEE me.

Pasdeprobleme · 18/04/2018 07:54

I think re the children it also depends how much free time you have eg if the ex does his share.

My exh stopped seeing the children so trying to fit a new man into my life became complicated and I gave up on the end as I was always cancelling and letting people down.

Having said that, I had a lot of interest online and most men were completely fine with me having dc and mine were young at the time.

Pasdeprobleme · 18/04/2018 07:59

What I mean is, if the guy wants spontaneous weekends away and romantic walks on the beach is that realistic if you have your children 100% of the time?

Joysmum · 18/04/2018 08:00

Go in the date, ask him about his family and then tell him about yours. Case solved. No biggy, no drama.

I don’t get what the issue is here? Confused

PrettyLittIeThing · 18/04/2018 08:23

No see for me I'm selective with who I would go on a date with. If others aren't then good for you! But some of us don't just want to date just anyone. And as I said I also think a man should mention it! My ex has 5 kids but on his profile it says he has none. Any woman would be shocked to told oh actually you know I said I had no kids well actually I have 5! I wouldn't want to dare someone with kids again and like I said he lied to me and told me after I had fallen for him.