Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband takes pics/videos without my consent

199 replies

JaimeeDodger · 15/04/2018 20:38

I’ve read a previous thread here before on a similar subject but need to air my issue...

This morning I fell back asleep after getting back into bed with a cuppa and reading my book. I came to quite instantly to find my husband filming me. His reaction/look made me feel very uneasy and I made a joke that he was a perving voyeur and turned over - he didn’t apologise or laugh it off.
The thing is, I often get the impression that he films/takes pics of me when I’m getting dried after the shower or when I’m changing in the morning. I’ve caught him filming me while asleep a couple of times before but being that he’s my husband, I’ve kind of just shrugged it off. However, I’ve noticed more and more that his phone is pointing in my direction etc..
The other thing (and I can’t prove or say for definite that it’s happened) is that 2/3 times I’ve gone for a wee in the morning and have noticed (sorry for the graphic wording here) that I smell of semen down below and at the time thought how strange it was. But suddenly things are all slotting together and I’m wondering if he’s doing things to me while I’m asleep. I’m a really heavy sleeper.

I can’t access his phone as it’s a Samsung S8 which only recognises his irises or thumb print.

I don’t know what to do or say. I want to confront him but have a feeling he’ll tell me I’m being ridiculous and I won’t be able to prove anything. I’m just going on my gut feeling and the few times I’ve caught him filming me.
I’m trying to remain rational; I sometimes take a pic of him if he falls asleep on the sofa, looking like he’s catching flies or dribbling because it’s funny. But I was just asleep, mouth closed but cleavage very much on show this morning and that isn’t funny or photo worthy?!

Advice greatly welcomed and thank you in advance x

OP posts:
Original poster
JaimeeDodger · 16/04/2018 21:33

I’m doing what I think is best which at the moment is to process and call Women’s Aid tomorrow to seek more advice.
As I’ve said previously, the more I think back the more things make sense and slot into place but I have no evidence. And it would break me to find out that he has taken films/pictures and potentially done things to me while I sleep. Am I putting 2 and 2 together and coming up with 5? My gut and his reaction very strongly tells me he has been recording me. My gut on anything else at this point, isn’t as sure. I need advice from professionals and just hope that it’s more helpful than Victim Support 😔

OP posts:
Isthisit22 · 16/04/2018 21:40

Sorry if it seems that we are pushing you Jaimee but it is hard to read what you are going through.
If you feel uncomfortable even getting dressed in your own home then the relationship is gone anyway. Even if he is ‘only’ filming you, the trust and intimacy is gone.
Could you ask him to stay somewhere else for a while to give you some space?

FindTheSilverLining · 16/04/2018 21:40

We are all supporting Jamieedodger and sending you strength. And hoping that it is not th scenario that many have suggested. I am sorry you are having to go through this.

applesandpears56 · 16/04/2018 21:51

Jaimee - you are in shock. It’s going to take you years to process this. Your brain won’t be able to handle it so it’ll keep shutting it down and minimizing it for a while letting you gradually process it.
You need to keep yourself and your kids safe in the meantime. First of all tell him you are uncomfortable about him filming you /taking pictures. Distract him with the lesser evil of the thing you know so he thinks that’s all you are upset about. Then use that as an excuse to get away for a bit. Go to a family or friends house for a bit with the kids. When there think things through.
I think you could go to the police with your suspicions as is. You could call women’s aid etc from there.

starryeyed19 · 16/04/2018 22:24

OP, you are doing absolutely fine. Your plan is a good one. And we're all here to listen if you need to talk x

Foxysoxy10 · 16/04/2018 23:03

There is an app you can download on the App Store that records if it hears a noise at night.
Basically it will run in the background while you sleep not recording unless a noise triggers it then it will record until the noise stops.
It will record all through the night but
you need to make sure you keep your phone on charge while you are using it as it sucks your charge.
I can’t remember the name of it off the top of my head but you can find it by searching ‘recording while asleep’ in the App Store.

In all honesty I would go straight to the police if it was me but can understand your idea to get some evidence.

Pollaidh · 16/04/2018 23:07

Given that a conviction would likely result in a prison sentence, he could have a lot to lose. Don't put yourself in danger.

Bear in mind that laptops, smart devices and mobiles can be used to record sound and / or video, and they can even be controlled remotely. If I was calling helplines, I'd do it from somewhere safe (not in house), possibly not on my own mobile, in case he's been at that. This sounds sexually-motivated, but if he gets worried he will have the skills to keep an eye on you. In other words his mobile might not be the only device to worry about.

I'd second discreetly taking a sample of the tea. Another option is to take a sample, pretend to drink it, before discreetly disposing of it (discreet in case he's watching you in other ways). Then feign sleep and see what he tries. However that's risky to your emotional health (if he does rape you), and physical health (if he thinks you're resisting, or even realising, you don't know how far he could go - he could panic and hurt you physically, or worse, rather than be caught).

I'm not sure about Samsung, but I know some smartphones can't be opened by the police or FBI. They've taken to catching suspects when the phone is in use, out in the street, and grabbing them before they can lock it. In which case finding other sources of evidence, getting police involvement, and then getting them to seize his phone (explain you don't know the code), might be an option.

The only easy way to get at two pieces of evidence is (1) going to hospital and requesting an exam for rape, a day when you are suspicious and (2) getting the tea tested for drugs. However, can completely see you'd not want to put yourself through another night with him.

I think that, given how much there is at stake (prison), you would be very unwise to talk to him about it, giving him a chance to destroy the evidence, or hurt you. If this was just the videoing when you're asleep on the sofa it might be worth discussing, but there are too many suspicious items here, which put together do look like something pretty dreadful.

So sorry.

mathanxiety · 17/04/2018 05:01

I second that Pollaidh - please do not confront this man Jaimee.

goo.gl/images/4UFdYb Have you ever come across any of these? Pics show date rape drugs.

What is in your medicine cabinet? H's gym bag? Glove compartment? Bottom of his briefcase? In containers marked 'aspirin' or other harmless medicines?

Lmj25 · 17/04/2018 05:56

So sorry for what you're going through op Thanks

Shadow666 · 17/04/2018 06:07

At the end of the day, you don’t need proof. Once the trust has gone it’s almost impossible to continue a relationship. If I were you I’d start exploring my options to leave the marriage.

sparklepops123 · 17/04/2018 06:14

Good luck with today, stay strong💐

Nousernameforme · 17/04/2018 06:46

You should be able to get his sd card out of the phone without needing his retina scan/finger print a paper clip or pin in the little hole on the top edge of the phone and the tray pops right out.

If that's a route you want to go down

MamamamaT · 17/04/2018 08:04

How's it all going OP? Flowers

Flisspaps · 17/04/2018 08:34

@JaimeeDodger I am glad you're calling Wonens Aid.

Some of the advice you're being given here by well meaning posters is either incorrect, risks potentially destroying any evidence there may be, or is just plain dangerous.

missbonita · 17/04/2018 11:42

I hope you are ok today OP Flowers

Original poster
JaimeeDodger · 17/04/2018 12:50

Women’s Aid were much more helpful. They have put me in touch with a local support agency who I will call tomorrow on my day off. They listened and talked through my options with me.
At the moment, I have decided to not jump in feet first without evidence - I won’t put myself at risk though and I am very wary but I feel this is the best thing for me right now. Thank you all so much for your support and checking back.

I feel a little less overwhelmed since sharing with a professional agency and am a bit more focused on how to move forward with it all x

OP posts:
sparklepops123 · 17/04/2018 12:55

Glad to hear women's aid have helped you, good luck

Swallowfalls · 17/04/2018 13:08

Thinking of you OP Flowers

NettleTea · 17/04/2018 13:13

so glad they were able to help, and not offer ridiculous 'just sit down and have a chat with him' type advice.

TatianaLarina · 17/04/2018 13:31

Good to hear OP.

TatianaLarina · 17/04/2018 13:41

Don’t get too fixated on having to have cast iron proof, although I understand why you want to have more than you do now.

You do have some evidence - catching him in the act of filming you when asleep, filming you when getting changed, the smell of semen, soreness down there.

FindTheSilverLining · 17/04/2018 17:04

Glad that you are feeling a little more secure in what you want to do next. I really hope you can resolve this situation in the best way for you.

snewname · 17/04/2018 17:41

Glad that rl is supporting you. Hope you manage to get to the bottom of this. I can understand you will feel much better ending things with concrete proof, rather than having the element of doubt you currently have.

starryeyed19 · 17/04/2018 18:51

I'm really glad Women's Aid were able to help, OP.

elfies · 17/04/2018 19:27

So pleased womens aid were helpful , hope you get things sorted and get lots of good advice .
Good luck x