Husband takes pics/videos without my consent

[JaimeeDodger]

I’ve read a previous thread here before on a similar subject but need to air my issue...

This morning I fell back asleep after getting back into bed with a cuppa and reading my book. I came to quite instantly to find my husband filming me. His reaction/look made me feel very uneasy and I made a joke that he was a perving voyeur and turned over - he didn’t apologise or laugh it off.
The thing is, I often get the impression that he films/takes pics of me when I’m getting dried after the shower or when I’m changing in the morning. I’ve caught him filming me while asleep a couple of times before but being that he’s my husband, I’ve kind of just shrugged it off. However, I’ve noticed more and more that his phone is pointing in my direction etc..
The other thing (and I can’t prove or say for definite that it’s happened) is that 2/3 times I’ve gone for a wee in the morning and have noticed (sorry for the graphic wording here) that I smell of semen down below and at the time thought how strange it was. But suddenly things are all slotting together and I’m wondering if he’s doing things to me while I’m asleep. I’m a really heavy sleeper.

I can’t access his phone as it’s a Samsung S8 which only recognises his irises or thumb print.

I don’t know what to do or say. I want to confront him but have a feeling he’ll tell me I’m being ridiculous and I won’t be able to prove anything. I’m just going on my gut feeling and the few times I’ve caught him filming me.
I’m trying to remain rational; I sometimes take a pic of him if he falls asleep on the sofa, looking like he’s catching flies or dribbling because it’s funny. But I was just asleep, mouth closed but cleavage very much on show this morning and that isn’t funny or photo worthy?!

Advice greatly welcomed and thank you in advance x

So sorry this is happening OP. I’m not sure checking his sim would work as I suspect not at all photos / videos are saved to sim (they’d need a lot of storage for that).

I think the best thing to do is to as him outright to show you his phone, then and there, without him having a chance to leave the room or delete anything. He should do that if he has nothing to hide.

This is so scary, I hope you’re okay. Please don’t drink anything he makes you.

It WILL be affecting your kids even if you don't realise it. He doesn't have to lay a finger on them for them to be affected.

I think it helps a lot of women to recall their own experiences. Granted it's not the safest place but it is anonymous and I know sharing my story has helped a lot more than therapy.

OP I've been where you are and would wake up covered in semen, I thought something was wrong with me.
These men are disgusting predators and there's nothing nice about your husband OP. He sounds dangerous.

Please don't start using his bloody thumb to open his phone, can you say what his reaction would be if he woke up? This isn't a film, it's real life. Stay safe OP please speak to Women's Aid or the Rape crisis line. Trust those gut instincts because they're rarely wrong.

Thank you for your messages last night and this morning. I’m feeling low, a bit numb. My feelings are all over the place - life is as it normally is: he’s been helpful around the house, chatty etc and now I suddenly feel like I don’t know this man and that he’s been potentially assaulting me. I can’t help but think “what if I’m wrong?” and then the other part of me is screaming “get a grip woman!”.

I’ve decided I’m going to call Victim Support this morning for advice. I was googling it all last night and it seems that they are better placed to ask advice of rather than Women’s Aid. And then I guess I’ll go from there.

Thank you all again for your advice and support. I appreciate it ever so much x

Definitely get real life help Jaimee, as it’s just too difficult and serious to take the practical advice on here, which is ranging so much because people just don’t have the experience.

Please don’t start to feel pressured to do anything you don’t want to in terms of confronting him, gathering evidence, or staying with him... it’s you going through this and only you know how you feel and what you can cope with and what is good or bad for you.

I’m finding it a smite disturbing that people are readily sharing their own stories on some random thread on the internet. There are ways of supporting people without doing that.

In the past she'd just have thought she was mad, or the only person in the world that this had happened to. It's wonderful to be able to get advice from other women. Abuse thrives in secrecy.

JaimeeDodger, I’m glad that you are going to get real life advice. I can not imagine how awful this must be for you.

Very worrying!

In the past she'd just have thought she was mad, or the only person in the world that this had happened to. It's wonderful to be able to get advice from other women. Abuse thrives in secrecy.

Yes but also faceless strangers join forums just to get peoples stories so they can get off on them. We don’t know what’s true or what isn’t and there’s no harm in just being cautious.

Yes, call Victim Support.

I would think about the cam. And I would potentially keep a sample of the tea, etc - I wouldn't drink them any more though.

If you could get evidence of assault/drugging, then you could go to the police and they could take his phone/pc.

Do you know any likely names he may use for websites, chatrooms? Awful thing to say but it's likely that he may be posting videos of you online.

Also, if he's all that tech-savvy, please PLEASE take care about your own digital footprint.

Now I’ve written that it’s made me even more scared that I’ve recently been sleeping so heavily and have experienced smelling semen. I’ve even been a bit sore down below for no good reason.

Trust your instincts and intuition - and trust what your body is telling you!
He acts all 'normal' so he can look innocent and mess with your head to throw you off the scent.
He wants you to constantly doubt yourself - if you don't trust yourself then you're not going to have the courage of your convictions to confront him.

Be extra careful with his access to your evening meal/drink....he could easily be spiking them. It's one thing to be a heavy sleeper, quite another to remain asleep throughout sex.
Some date rape drugs are designed to leave you with memory loss so even if you were 'conscious' at the time you won't remember come morning.
They also don't stay in your system for too long so by the time you get your head together and get to a doctor there's no trace left in your blood.

I would suggest speaking to your doctor about this and getting checked out.
Confirmation/perspective from them might help make it easier to get your head round this.

If/when you report it to the police - they can uncover whatever he thinks he's been an expert at hiding.

Non-consensual sex is rape......and even our most loved and trusted partners are capable of i

Stay strong and believe in yourself

If you want more substantial proof without risking him deleting any videos/photos you can buy date rape drug test strips to check if your drink has been spiked.
www.checkyourdrink.co.uk/product.php/3/0/cyd_5_test_pack

I’ve just called Victim Support and they werent really that helpful. Just basically said I need to sit down and talk with him. Didn’t suggest any other form of help.

So confronting him is what I’ll have to do. I feel sick.

Maybe you should try women's aid? Thinking of you op.

I'm sorry they weren't more helpful. And I don't th k that was good advice.

I'm sorry they weren't more helpful. And I don't th k that was good advice

I agree.

OP, do try Women's Aid. Others have made helpful suggestions upthread.

Sorry you didn’t get the help you needed from victim support. Perhaps Women’s Aid might be better placed to give advice? Please do access some support in real life OP

Do you think you can see what he has on his phone before you speak to him.

I would also echo PPs advice about Women's Aid. I think they will have more direct experience in dealing with similar scenarios and might be able to help more.

You have been incredibly brave in ringing up and I am sorry they weren't much help.

Please ring women's aid, you have nothing to lose by doing so

Sitting down and talking to him will alert him that you are "onto him" and will give him time to delete what he may be hiding on his phone.

Be careful, op. That advise is bad!

I agree that it probably isn't wise just yet to talk to him. Speak to Women's Aid, and try to have a look at his phone. Perhaps look up online how to make a quick backup of his phone now, so that you know what you're doing once you get access to it.

I hope you're ok, OP.

Please please don’t confront him. Yet, at least.

Please speak to WA. And please don’t eat or drink anything that he’s prepared.

Please speak to women’s aid! I’m so sorry you’re going through this.