Husband takes pics/videos without my consent

[JaimeeDodger]

I’ve read a previous thread here before on a similar subject but need to air my issue...

This morning I fell back asleep after getting back into bed with a cuppa and reading my book. I came to quite instantly to find my husband filming me. His reaction/look made me feel very uneasy and I made a joke that he was a perving voyeur and turned over - he didn’t apologise or laugh it off.
The thing is, I often get the impression that he films/takes pics of me when I’m getting dried after the shower or when I’m changing in the morning. I’ve caught him filming me while asleep a couple of times before but being that he’s my husband, I’ve kind of just shrugged it off. However, I’ve noticed more and more that his phone is pointing in my direction etc..
The other thing (and I can’t prove or say for definite that it’s happened) is that 2/3 times I’ve gone for a wee in the morning and have noticed (sorry for the graphic wording here) that I smell of semen down below and at the time thought how strange it was. But suddenly things are all slotting together and I’m wondering if he’s doing things to me while I’m asleep. I’m a really heavy sleeper.

I can’t access his phone as it’s a Samsung S8 which only recognises his irises or thumb print.

I don’t know what to do or say. I want to confront him but have a feeling he’ll tell me I’m being ridiculous and I won’t be able to prove anything. I’m just going on my gut feeling and the few times I’ve caught him filming me.
I’m trying to remain rational; I sometimes take a pic of him if he falls asleep on the sofa, looking like he’s catching flies or dribbling because it’s funny. But I was just asleep, mouth closed but cleavage very much on show this morning and that isn’t funny or photo worthy?!

Advice greatly welcomed and thank you in advance x

Everytime I read this story I get sick to my stomach, I so feel for the OP.

Put his finger print on it when hes sleeping

The simplest and perhaps the only way to find out what footage if any he has of you is to report to the police - they can seize his phone and laptop.

Ideally, it would be good to have some evidence either from a nanny cam of his filming you or, the next time you think you smell semen (sorry to be gross) put those knickers in a bag and swab yourself.

But your suspicions are valid without that, and you shouldn’t put yourself in danger in order to collect evidence - that’s the police’s job. You could call the non emergency police number 101 and ask for their advice.

Confronting him may lead to him destroying the evidence, that’s the problem.

If you really are convinced maybe police would be best. They can tap into his phone/ laptop etc better than anyone

Pretend to drink any late night drinks he gives you, - ie throw it away unobtrusively. He'll then think you are heavily asleep and you will wake up. If he tries anything or pokes you to see if you wake up, carry on pretending to be asleep until it is obvious what he is doing..
If you just don't drink it, he won't even attempt to try anything and you still won't know.

Can't you just sit him down right now and ask to check his phone? If he asks why tell him your concerns. Hopefully he will be horrified and show you everything to put your mind at rest and prove his innocence. If he becomes defensive and cagey, and won't give you access to his photos and videos, that would scream guilt to me and I'd be out of there like a shot. Don't give him the opportunity to delete evidence first.

Don’t drink the drink but don’t throw it away. Hide it somewhere safe.

Drugging someone is an offence, you need that evidence.

Honestly I'd take his phone straight to the police.
You already know the truth.

I agree.

If you fanny about trying to put up a spycam and he finds it he may destroy the evidence and you’ll never know.

Women tend to go to police when they find footage but his IT knowledge means you can’t do that and you can’t demand to see his phone without raising suspicion.

The potential charges here are serious - rape, drugging, filming without consent, putting the results online which would count as revenge porn.

This is awful and brought back memories of my friend who suspected similar. She took her drink straight to the police station and sure enough it had traces of a drug in it.

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP- must be such a shock to you.

She didn't prosecute but she did leave him.

Just wanted to say that I am thinking of you. Please do try to get ahold of that phone and yes to the suggestion of women’s aid. You nees some real support. Sorry that Victim Support were so unhelpful (and quite dangerous advice I think!). You sound a fantastically intelligent woman and I very much unfortunately think your fears may be right

Thank you. I feel really quite stupid at the moment - I still am struggling to comprehend everything. I’ve spent most of the day trying to do “normal” things while deciding what is the best thing to do.

Tomorrow I will call Women’s Aid and seek their advice - hopefully they can offer something more helpful other than to confront him. I know that right now, that’s not the best thing to do. He’s aware that I’ve clicked, I’m sure of that. I feel I may need to bide my time and hope that evidence has not been deleted. I will be very careful not to drink things he makes in the evening. I’m the only one that cooks so I don’t need to worry about food. Although I’ve slept heavily, I can’t say that I feel I’ve been drugged - I’ve not woken of a morning to feel hazy or zombie like. That’s not to say that I’ve not been drugged, just that other than heavy sleep I’ve not had a physical feeling of that. We also spend so much time together that I’m not sure where or how he’d be able to get hold of something like that. But again, am I being massively naieve?

I feel so wary of him taking photos/recording me when I’m dressing in the morning that I feel I will be adjusting my behaviour which will bring attention to the fact that I know what he’s doing.

I saw your post yesterday and posted early on in the thread. Your post has been flitting into my mind today.
Do you feel that there is any merit in speaking to the police about this at this point?
You may not wish to make an actual accusation but if you feel your husband has 'clicked' he may start getting rid of any evidence so even if you did get his phone and sit in the bathroom you may find nothing there as it's stored elsewhere and then he'll know you know and get rid of everything.
At least if you go to the police they have specialists who know how to deal with this kind of thing inc people who are good at hiding photos etc without the every day person on the street being able to trace them.

I don’t think you should ‘bide your time’, I think you should take his phone to the police ASAP.

If you’re a heavy sleeper drugs may not be necessary. He may have found that he can do stuff without waking you.

Really really feel for you OP. Please take good care of yourself. I'm not sure I could keep this in - you are being incredibly strong. Xxx

I am not sure the advice to go to the police is sound.

There is no evidence for them to go on here. They can't just confiscate a phone and go through it on the say so of the OP.

Otoh, if the OP finds semen again, there is potentially a justifiable reason for them to act, as long as she goes to a hospital for a rape exam and her suspicion is confirmed.

Recording does not require setting up a camera. You can download programmes to your own laptop. Recording would take a while for anything to show up, if the H is spooked at the moment. It would provide excellent grounds for the police to get involved.

Above all, taking a sample of any nighttime drink to be tested would give the police something to go on. If the OP can find any pills hidden anywhere (including inside containers of other medication like aspirin) with 'Roche' embossed on them she should take a few for analysis after looking them up to compare appearance, colour, size, etc.

Date rape drugs leave the system very quickly so it would be hard to find the info the OP needs by means of a blood test.

Is victim support a Rape Crisis service? If not, I would call Rape Crisis.

Gosh OP, this is one of the most awful posts I've read on MN, I'm so sorry that this is happening to you.

Please call women's aid when it's safe to do do tomorrow, I hope you're out of this dreadful situation very soon

Hi OP, if you are married, you are well within your rights to ask to see your husbands phone and be very honest and tell him why -- you feel uncomfortable about the filming and you want to check if he has been filming you and what he's doing with the pictures?

I see nothing wrong with that. In fact, I give my wife full access to my phone, emails and whatever else she wants. I don't care -- as I have nothing to hide.

Hi OP, sorry, I haven't had a chance to read all the replies and don't know what sort of things people on here have jumped to conclusions on.

Keep in mind, you have no proof of anything. Just a bunch of random anonymous people on MN jumping to all sorts of conclusions.

If you suspect something it's best to get your proof. Pick a night when you think he does things, just pretend to drink whatever he is giving you then drink a strong cup of coffee and stay awake with one eye open and see what he does. Its not that hard to trick a guy.

I can understand why people are suggesting to try and trick your husband into doing something so you can have evidence but it seems an awful ordeal to put yourself through. And you have no idea at this point how he could react to this, he could get very scared and do something very stupid...

I think that the fact that you feel he has realised something is wrong but has not tried to speak to you or find out why you’re being off with him says a lot.

I feel that you would hugely benefit from speaking to the police about this and asking their opinion - they will have more experience than anyone else and can probably give you the safest advice on what to do next. Try not to rely on the advice on here (although I am obviously trying to give you some!). Please don’t put yourself in any danger.

I can’t imagine what you’re going through jaimee, it must be quite frightening to not feel safe whilst you’re sleeping. Especially when it’s with the man you’re supposed to be able to trust.

I also agree that the advice you have been given by victim support is wrong and that hopefully you’ll get the right help and advice from women’s aid.

In regards to his phone, my Samsung s8 comes with a secure folder that I can put anything I want into it so it’s away from prying eyes. It’s set up with a pin, passcode or pattern and also iris scanner. So I don’t advise trying to get into it. Pretty sure if he’s tech savvy, he’ll have it set up with all that he can.

You are absolutely within your rights to tell your husband in no uncertain terms that you will no longer tolerate being photographed/ filmed unless you give your full consent. The other stuff I will leave o Women's Aid to advise on. But certainly accept no more evening drinks from him (or accept, keep a sample and pretend to drink it).

I have read many very upsetting threads on here, but this one has chilled me. It is so sinister. From the look he gave you, (in your OP) the buying of flowers, filming you dressing and sleeping.....let alone the suspected drugged rape. You are being very brave, OP.