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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband takes pics/videos without my consent

199 replies

JaimeeDodger · 15/04/2018 20:38

I’ve read a previous thread here before on a similar subject but need to air my issue...

This morning I fell back asleep after getting back into bed with a cuppa and reading my book. I came to quite instantly to find my husband filming me. His reaction/look made me feel very uneasy and I made a joke that he was a perving voyeur and turned over - he didn’t apologise or laugh it off.
The thing is, I often get the impression that he films/takes pics of me when I’m getting dried after the shower or when I’m changing in the morning. I’ve caught him filming me while asleep a couple of times before but being that he’s my husband, I’ve kind of just shrugged it off. However, I’ve noticed more and more that his phone is pointing in my direction etc..
The other thing (and I can’t prove or say for definite that it’s happened) is that 2/3 times I’ve gone for a wee in the morning and have noticed (sorry for the graphic wording here) that I smell of semen down below and at the time thought how strange it was. But suddenly things are all slotting together and I’m wondering if he’s doing things to me while I’m asleep. I’m a really heavy sleeper.

I can’t access his phone as it’s a Samsung S8 which only recognises his irises or thumb print.

I don’t know what to do or say. I want to confront him but have a feeling he’ll tell me I’m being ridiculous and I won’t be able to prove anything. I’m just going on my gut feeling and the few times I’ve caught him filming me.
I’m trying to remain rational; I sometimes take a pic of him if he falls asleep on the sofa, looking like he’s catching flies or dribbling because it’s funny. But I was just asleep, mouth closed but cleavage very much on show this morning and that isn’t funny or photo worthy?!

Advice greatly welcomed and thank you in advance x

OP posts:
Notevilstepmother · 15/04/2018 22:00

Just seen you have kids, that makes it harder to leave.

What he is doing is very serious please get help x

bonnyshide · 15/04/2018 22:01

I would try to find some evidence before confronting him.

He is computer savvy and if he knows you suspect him, he will have all devices wiped clean in no time.

Have you ever woken up after a very deep sleep feeling slightly hungover, poor coordination or upset stomach?

Could you fake taking drinks from him etc and then pretend to be asleep? Or fake being asleep like you were this morning and see what happens?

Please know that you are not alone, look after yourself Thanks

applesandpears56 · 15/04/2018 22:06

Do not ever let him make you food or drink again
Say yes but then tip it in the sink
Pretend to be asleep - see what happens
Pls tell him in the meantime that you don’t want to be touched when you are asleep. At all.

applesandpears56 · 15/04/2018 22:06

Or better yet - leave immediately

missbonita · 15/04/2018 22:07

Can you say you've misplaced your phone (leave it in the car) and ask to borrow his to ring it and find it? Then go outside ringing your phone and search his - send any evidence to your phone?

Isthisit22 · 15/04/2018 22:09

please don’t get a nanny cam or anything like that. Please just leave/ sleep elsewhere. It is awful to think about you sleeping next to Him waiting to get evidence of him raping/assaulting you. Please look after yourself. Better to upset him than risk being raped/assaulted again Flowers

Ryder63 · 15/04/2018 22:15

Better to upset him than risk being raped/assaulted again

^This. Plus by your own words, he has form for assault (that is what it is) while you were asleep - he may have upped his game by using sedatives on you. Another assault.

mathanxiety · 15/04/2018 22:17

Don't confront him. Record for a few weeks.

If you get evidence of rape from a night vision camera or rape kit, go straight to the police.

If you tell him before the police get to him he will get rid of any evidence on his phone/cloud, etc.

If you get evidence of filming you while asleep, then you can confront him about that, if you do not have evidence over a few weeks of rape.

You need to make up your mind what you want from any such confrontation - to have all filmed material taken down? To be told and shown the scale of the filming, dates from start to present, and to be told where the material is now, whether it has been posted? You may need to get the police involved here too.

Above all, you will need to decide after reviewing the evidence of your own surveillance, whether you will divorce.

I do not think this is all in your head at all, particularly given your description of how he 'instigates sex'. He seems to have got it into his head that you are just a body he can do what he wants with.

Original poster
JaimeeDodger · 15/04/2018 22:18

I have no evidence that he’s raped or sexually assaulted me - just the things I’ve picked up on coupled with the filming etc and putting all the puzzle pieces together. I have certainly slept more heavily at times since Christmas. But again, no proof of anything. Which makes me feel like I’m going bonkers. Totally bloody bonkers.

OP posts:
Platterheed · 15/04/2018 22:20

OP. You suspected him taking pics of you getting dried.

That is something I experienced from my mentally abusive exH. After I’d found out he was cheating, he’d verbally wind me up and let me start raging in retaliation and after a while, I realised he was filming and recording me and not actually saying a word.

You just know - like you say from the weird angle they’re holding the phone.

If he’s used to filming etc. He’ll spot monitors, webcams, all the rest of it. That’s his world, therefore you’d be better either taking his phone and getting it unlocked and seeing for yourself if there’s any trace of any sharing or footage you didn’t know existed of you, or, you just take advice from Women’s Aid, but you need to find out if he’s doing anything with what he’s filming.

And you need to feel safe.

Please, please get proper advice on how to deal with this.

ObiJuanKenobi · 15/04/2018 22:21

OP if you wake up with any semen on you, go to the police straight away. Don't wash it off, go straight there and tell them everything.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 15/04/2018 22:22

It is awful to think about you sleeping next to Him waiting to get evidence of him raping/assaulting you

This. Except I don't think you should leave - he should.

Putting yourself in harm's way just so you don't hurt his feelings is so far from right, OP. He's already done enough for you to ask him to leave while you decide your next move, whether that's to work on your relationship - with him seeing a counsellor - or to accept that he's gone too far to find a way back.

I’m afraid to go to sleep tonight. I will make sure I wear full pyjamas as of late, I’ve taken to wearing a nightie which I never normally used to do

Oh OP. I really have such a heavy heart for you reading this. You cannot go to sleep feeling afraid that your H will assault you.

Platterheed · 15/04/2018 22:23

OP. He’s unnerved you by filming you this morning.

I doubt many women would react differently to you given what you’re saying.

I think you need to have the conversation with him and ask what he was doing and why.

How did he respond when you asked him to not instigate sex with you while you slept? Was he reasonable?

mathanxiety · 15/04/2018 22:23

The way to find out is to spy on him. Or to go to a hospital if you detect semen that you can't account for, either on you or in your pajamas or underwear.

I would call your local Rape Crisis centre and find out what you can do.

BleakBetty · 15/04/2018 22:23

You’re not going bonkers OP. Please trust your gut instinct and be very weary of your H.

I second PP advising not to wait for delivery of a nanny cam etc., you would be wise to leave. If you feel you need evidence to confront him, I agree with the PP suggesting to get him to unlock his phone, feigning an urgent call to a family member (yours is broken/playing up/lost).

Then take it to the bathroom, lock yourself in and look through it carefully. Send screenshots to yourself if you find anything. If he questions you, you have a bad stomach and had to rush to the loo.

Please take care of yourself. I think leaving is best until you get to the bottom of this. Flowers

bonnyshide · 15/04/2018 22:23

I would be asleep and he would start touching me and inserting fingers in me

This is already sexual assault.

BleakBetty · 15/04/2018 22:24

Wary not weary (damn autocorrect)

PotteryLady · 15/04/2018 22:34

If he is drugging you could you find where he has hidden them and confront him that way - it's less technical. This has really freaked me out.

BrutusMcDogface · 15/04/2018 22:35

Oh op, this is horrific. You poor thing. I don't know what to suggest as I wouldn't want to stay but I'd want him to be found out and get what's coming to him. I really agree with the suggestion to go to a hospital if you smell semen on yourself again. Sad

notmypropername · 15/04/2018 22:37

OP just order a bloody camera on prime now.

Emma198 · 15/04/2018 22:42

You do know he has sexually assaulted you, you've even spoken with him about it. Putting his fingers in your when you're sleeping is assault.

Bananacabana · 15/04/2018 22:43

I don't know if it'd help at all but how about when you wear your pyjama bottoms or pants to bed tonight, wear them inside out and if they're the right way round in the morning, there's some evidence to show if he's been messing with you and maybe you'll feel more inclined to trust your own judgement and act on it. Of course that's on the proviso he didn't notice they were inside out too. Just trying to think of something you can do immediately if you weren't sure of your suspicions and weren't able to get hold of his phone.

Or maybe see how he reacts when you don't drink the tea he's made you.

Good luck, I hope you're okay and find the answers you need to act on them.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 15/04/2018 22:44

OP just order a bloody camera on prime now

The OP already knows that her H sexually assaults her. She has woken up with him doing it. I honestly think the time for laying traps with cameras has passed.

OP, if you don't want to ask him to leave, then I strongly suggest that you pack a bag for you and your DC tonight. He deserves every single bit of the shock that will deliver. Forget evidence. Forget cameras and trying to catch him out. Just go and protect yourself and your children.

On that note, and as gently as possible, OP, how can you be certain that your DC are not being covertly filmed by him?

starryeyed19 · 15/04/2018 22:44

OP, I don't have anything to add that someone hasn't said already. Do keep yourself safe. And trust your instincts. You're not going crazy or imagining things. Trust your gut. And speak to Women's Aid and/or the police for help. I'm in Herts if you need some IRL support; send me a message x

Jesterstolehisthornycrown1 · 15/04/2018 22:45

If he is drugging you could you go for a blood test to see what substances show up in your blood?