Husband takes pics/videos without my consent

[JaimeeDodger]

I’ve read a previous thread here before on a similar subject but need to air my issue...

This morning I fell back asleep after getting back into bed with a cuppa and reading my book. I came to quite instantly to find my husband filming me. His reaction/look made me feel very uneasy and I made a joke that he was a perving voyeur and turned over - he didn’t apologise or laugh it off.
The thing is, I often get the impression that he films/takes pics of me when I’m getting dried after the shower or when I’m changing in the morning. I’ve caught him filming me while asleep a couple of times before but being that he’s my husband, I’ve kind of just shrugged it off. However, I’ve noticed more and more that his phone is pointing in my direction etc..
The other thing (and I can’t prove or say for definite that it’s happened) is that 2/3 times I’ve gone for a wee in the morning and have noticed (sorry for the graphic wording here) that I smell of semen down below and at the time thought how strange it was. But suddenly things are all slotting together and I’m wondering if he’s doing things to me while I’m asleep. I’m a really heavy sleeper.

I can’t access his phone as it’s a Samsung S8 which only recognises his irises or thumb print.

I don’t know what to do or say. I want to confront him but have a feeling he’ll tell me I’m being ridiculous and I won’t be able to prove anything. I’m just going on my gut feeling and the few times I’ve caught him filming me.
I’m trying to remain rational; I sometimes take a pic of him if he falls asleep on the sofa, looking like he’s catching flies or dribbling because it’s funny. But I was just asleep, mouth closed but cleavage very much on show this morning and that isn’t funny or photo worthy?!

Advice greatly welcomed and thank you in advance x

I just deleted it. I've always regretted not sending it to myself and going to police but he was abusive too.

Thank you for your replies, I’m really overwhelmed - I think I’m being really naïeve, I’m sat here worrying about upsetting him if I confront him but you’ve all made me plainly see this behaviour is not acceptable. At all.

I will take some time to think over the next day or two how I’m going to try to get access to his phone. I never use the laptop and even that has a code on it that I don’t know. He works with computers and I know very well that if he has indeed made and kept pics/videos of me, they’ll be very well hidden - I don’t have the kind of knowledge that would help me decipher it all on the laptop.

I’m afraid to go to sleep tonight. I will make sure I wear full pyjamas as of late, I’ve taken to wearing a nightie which I never normally used to do.

If you need his thumb print to access his phone, can you not do it when he's asleep?
Or if not, can't you talk to him about it and demand he unlock his phone immediately and show you?
Can you access his laptop and see if he has any porn history that may suggest he is into voyeurism or anything more sinister?

Don't drink any more drinks he makes. I would definitely record things on your phone overnight.

This is really scary, I would be scared to lie next to a man that could be doing this.

This doesn't sound right.
My DH takes photos occasionally, but he shows me them. (More like candid shots, and in no way sexual) Would he show you if you caught him?
Would you be able to have a reasonable conversation based around the most recent incident, to see if he gets cagey?

Op could you put a tampon in, that might keep him away or if it's missing then you'll know

OP, I feel physically sick reading this and I’m so sorry you are in this position. It so strange to think that the man you married and felt you knew inside out, could behave in a way that makes you feel like a total stranger. Please keep us posted as I will worry about you. Good luck

After reading other people’s replys I would also be worried about the fact your a heavy sleeper, is that a recent thing or have you been like that since before you were with him? There’s no way anyone could do things to me while I was asleep and me not wake up, and I’m a heavy sleeper. Don’t accept drinks off him.

Can you ask the police for advice? Or phone women’s aid?

This is a complete breach of of trust and utterly immoral, not to mention illegal and abusive. It would be absolute deal breaker for me, and I hardly ever say anything like that.

He is almost certainly posting the images somewhere.

my husband too, is a very kind, intelligent and quiet man

He might be quiet. He might be intelligent. He is not kind.

This is a horrific situation for you, but he has overstepped so many boundaries and shattered any trust between you based on what you already know. I except there is much more that you don't know about. I urge you to pack his bag swiftly.

So sorry, OP.

Get a baby monitor. You can get inexpensive ones which film and you can watch on your phone. Sorry your worried.

www.currys.co.uk/gbuk/smart-tech/smart-tech/smart-home/motorola-focus-66b-home-security-camera-10137240-pdt.html

You could find out exactly what he gets up to with a webcam (if you can set it up somewhere that he won't notice in the bedroom). This looks like it can send a notification when something moves.
I wouldn't normally advocate filming him without his knowledge, but in the circumstances it seems justified!

I'm sorry to mentione this OP, but have you always slept so deeply OP? I can't imagine sleeping so heavily that someone could do things to me :-/. I'm not doubting you, but wondering if he could be putting something in your last hot drink in the evening? I really hope I'm completely wrong, and you always slept so deeply before you knew him.

This gave me goosebumps. I feel so terrible for you. Get a secret camera, like others have said. You need to find out for sure one way or another. Confronting him could give him a chance to delete them! Do you have children? If not, could you make an excuse to stay somewhere else for the time being? Sending you love and strength

I used to know a couple who were seemingly happy in their marriage. He is now in prison because he was filming himself raping his wife. He used to put medication in her drink before she went to bed. She figured it out but it took her quite a long time. It sounds like something that happens in films but it does happen. I'm not saying this is what your partner is doing but I would suggest getting some advice from law enforcement. If you feel one morning he has done this to you there is nothing stopping you from going to hospital and getting a rape kit? You don't have to explain anything to them but they will tell you if there is semen inside you or if there is any evidence of trauma.

You are not naive, OP - no one wants to think their DH/DP would do something to hurt them. Being worried about upsetting him shows you are a nice person - he is NOT a nice person. I honestly (along with other pps) feel deeply disturbed by your original post. Horrifying breach of trust.

I’m glad you are feeling supported and justified in worrying. I really hope you find a solution to this- what an awful and unsettling feeling.
Stay safe.

Very unsettling OP. What would he say if you said you wanted to look at his phone to check something? Someone innocent shouldn't mind....

Very creepy :( Are you ever awake in the night when he's asleep, could you manage to unlock the phone that way? I'd be desperate to know.

The over riding feeling I’m getting here OP is that you don’t feel safe while you sleep.

That’s bloody awful and no one should have to live with that.

I wouldn’t try to plant anything for proof, I’d just have to have it out with him. If it’s just him keeping pics of you for his own purposes, it still doesn’t make it OK if you’re not happy with it.

He may be able to just reassure you he does nothing with these films/photos, may volunteer access to his phone/computer there and then to prove it.

If he has been dodgy, he’ll know you know and it’s time to stop. He’ll probably bury all trace BUT, your safety and dignity is frankly more important.

Ultimately, you deserve to feel safe while you sleep, he’s not giving you that basic requirement while you’re left wondering what he’s up to.

Is there somewhere else you can go and stay? I’m not sure this will pan out in a straightforward manner whatever you do next.

I hope you get some rest, and some sound legal advice on next steps.

Call women’s aid for support. I’d steal his phone and get it to the police unless you think he would be violent.

Your post worries and scares me to be honest . Please tell someone , and get checked out

I have two children, a teenager and a tween. It’s not easy to stay elsewhere especially as I’ve not confronted him yet.
I just keep going back to this morning and how he looked/behaved when I woke - it’s made me feel so uneasy. It was only last week that I was sure he was either filming or taking pictures of me while I was drying myself in our bedroom but I told myself he was just holding his phone at an awkward angle. An angle that people hold their phones in to take pictures 😔

I’ve lived with this man for nearly 20 years and it’s so hard to believe that this could actually be happening. Our sex life is good but we don’t have really regular sex. Before Christmas I had to sit him down and talk to him about how he instigated sex - I would be asleep and he would start touching me and inserting fingers in me. Now I’ve written that it’s made me even more scared that I’ve recently been sleeping so heavily and have experienced smelling semen. I’ve even been a bit sore down below for no good reason.

Is this all in my head? I feel like I’ve lost the plot. I’m scared, I’m worried. I’m lost and don’t know what to do. What a mess.

Get a nanny cam. Set it up somewhere in your room where he won't see it that has a clear view of your bed. It can feed to your laptop. Maybe one of the 'alarm clocks' here? www.amazon.co.uk/Spy-Cameras/b?node=1330831031&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8

Or see if you can download a programme that will turn your laptop into a nanny cam that will record at night.

YY to rape kit suggestion.

You're not being naive at all. Someone took a photo of me in a library last year through a gap in a shelf, I didn't realise until I heard the camera click and I'm still uncomfortable thinking about it nearly a year on.
Your feelings here are totally valid - there's no good reason for him to be taking these kind of pictures/films without your consent, even if they're not being shared anywhere. I don't have much practical advice, I'm afraid, but I really feel for you and hope you can find a way forward.

Can you fake a family emergency and go and stay with your mum or a friend. Lie if you need to, it’s your safety. Woman’s aid may be able to get you a refuge place.

This really creeps me out. I agree that being such a heavy sleeper that you think you might not wake up when touched isn't normal. Does he often make you a drink before bed? I too would plant a nannycam to see what he does while you sleep. You might just be being paranoid but I don't think so.