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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband takes pics/videos without my consent

199 replies

JaimeeDodger · 15/04/2018 20:38

I’ve read a previous thread here before on a similar subject but need to air my issue...

This morning I fell back asleep after getting back into bed with a cuppa and reading my book. I came to quite instantly to find my husband filming me. His reaction/look made me feel very uneasy and I made a joke that he was a perving voyeur and turned over - he didn’t apologise or laugh it off.
The thing is, I often get the impression that he films/takes pics of me when I’m getting dried after the shower or when I’m changing in the morning. I’ve caught him filming me while asleep a couple of times before but being that he’s my husband, I’ve kind of just shrugged it off. However, I’ve noticed more and more that his phone is pointing in my direction etc..
The other thing (and I can’t prove or say for definite that it’s happened) is that 2/3 times I’ve gone for a wee in the morning and have noticed (sorry for the graphic wording here) that I smell of semen down below and at the time thought how strange it was. But suddenly things are all slotting together and I’m wondering if he’s doing things to me while I’m asleep. I’m a really heavy sleeper.

I can’t access his phone as it’s a Samsung S8 which only recognises his irises or thumb print.

I don’t know what to do or say. I want to confront him but have a feeling he’ll tell me I’m being ridiculous and I won’t be able to prove anything. I’m just going on my gut feeling and the few times I’ve caught him filming me.
I’m trying to remain rational; I sometimes take a pic of him if he falls asleep on the sofa, looking like he’s catching flies or dribbling because it’s funny. But I was just asleep, mouth closed but cleavage very much on show this morning and that isn’t funny or photo worthy?!

Advice greatly welcomed and thank you in advance x

OP posts:
SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 15/04/2018 22:46

Just seen you have kids, that makes it harder to leave

Or a damn sight bloody easier.

IdblowJonSnow · 15/04/2018 22:48

Op this is so disturbing. Please trust your gut. Could you leave but take his phone with you and take it straight to the police? I think even if your partner has deleted stuff they can retrieve it? Please get yourself to a safe place. Flowers

Lollirocks · 15/04/2018 22:51

This really is worrying and reminds me of this www.thesun.co.uk/archives/reallife/860736/hubby-raped-me-then-put-video-of-it-online/

If you can’t leave make sure you only eat or drink things that you have prepared yourself.

Voice0fReason · 15/04/2018 22:53

Trust your instinct. You know that something is very wrong here.

jocktamsonsbairn · 15/04/2018 22:53

OP this is very worrying and it does sound like he is raping/assaulting you when you are asleep/drugged. Are you able to use his thumb to open the phone when he's sleeping?
I agree with the others who advise getting the hell out but understand it's not easy with dc the ages that yours are. Women aid would be a good starting point. Take care op and be strong.

ibicus · 15/04/2018 22:55

Omg go to the police before you tell him and they can confiscate his phone/laptop and you can see. Semen doesn't appear by magic. This has made me feel sick. Please please get out right now.

ibicus · 15/04/2018 22:58

Or yes use his thumb in the night. Do it tonight. He's raping you and filming you without your consent. Either of those things on their own is enough to make me want to make you get the fuck out. Please leave. ❤️❤️❤️ThanksThanksThanks

trashcanjunkie · 15/04/2018 23:10

I would ring the police immediately. They can check his phone and you and your children willl be safe. You aren’t safe right now. So sorry this is happening to you, but please act to safeguard yourselves

lizzieboo · 15/04/2018 23:10

I never normally comment on boards, but this sounds very disturbing and I couldn't not post. You already have evidence and your suspicions sound entirely valid. The fact you are sleeping heavier sets off several alarm bells. By the sounds of his reaction after you caught him in the act this morning, he had drugged you and was not expecting you to wake. There is no other reason as to why you would smell semen when going to the toilet. It's extremely scary that he could treat you like this, and I would be worried to spend another night in the same bed as him. Of course, if you confront him he will deny it and being techy no doubt he has hidden what evidence he has (especially now as he has probably cottoned on you suspect something). He could very well have uploaded images and videos of you to groups online. I can't imagine it will be easy but for you but for your and your children's safety I would seek refuge and help.

Flisspaps · 15/04/2018 23:14

You don't need to film him raping you. You don't need evidence of it. You don't need to put yourself through another assault.

If you're thinking he is doing this (on top of the assaults you know about), the best thing you can do is get him as far away from you as possible.

bionicnemonic · 15/04/2018 23:19

If he makes you a late night drink, when he brings it in could you ask him to pop to the kitchen for something and switch the mugs around. If there is a sleeping drug in there he will drink it himself and you could access his phone while he sleeps

Original poster
JaimeeDodger · 15/04/2018 23:24

I feel so unsettled, I wasn’t expecting so many replies and you’re all pretty much saying the same thing. Which has really made me see that my suspicions are probably correct. I must reiterate that I’ve only smelt semen, not seen it but as I’m sure you all know it’s a distinctive smell and one that I noticed as soon as I had pulled my pants down and sat on the loo.

I just can not get my head around the fact that this man I share my life with is potentially doing this. I should have paid more attention earlier on to the fact that him inserting fingers in me while asleep wasn’t okay.

Right now I’m all over the place. I think I will call Women’s Aid in the morning to seek further advice. I honestly do not fear for the safety of my children. He is an excellent father and is never really alone with the kids. It’s me that his attentions are on. I would never put my children at risk, ever.

I am also going to try to get access to his phone and think I have come up with a way of doing so.

Thank you all for your advice, kindness and support. As I said previously, I suddenly feel very lonely and isolated because this is not something I can take to my friends right now but having spoken here has given me a sense of support and for that, I thank you all xx

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 15/04/2018 23:36

Start keeping a record - does he make you a drink before bed ? Have you always been a heavy sleeper ?

OyO · 15/04/2018 23:42

Glad you’ve figured out a way to access his phone. I was going to suggest taking the sim and putting it into a different Samsung.

Also, how about switching the drinks at night without him realising. Then watch the effect the drink has on him, if any.

Blood test is another way to find out. There are all sorts of very subtle ways to test the drink for date rape drugs, such as nail varnish that changes colour if it detects the drug.

gamerchick · 15/04/2018 23:49

I’m finding it a smite disturbing that people are readily sharing their own stories on some random thread on the internet. There are ways of supporting people without doing that.

I hope you get the help you need OP. Flowers

sidesplittinglol · 15/04/2018 23:51

I'm so sorry this is happening to OP. It must be very worrying for you.
Have you tried planting a camera somewhere and recording what happens?

Hope you manage to get some sleep tonight x

TimesNewRoman · 15/04/2018 23:52

OP please be extra careful with your own phone too, change pin if you can. Incase he sees what you have been posting.
Thinking of you, you are not alone. Whatever is going on here, you can get through it. Thanks

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 15/04/2018 23:59

I’m finding it a smite disturbing that people are readily sharing their own stories on some random thread on the internet. There are ways of supporting people without doing that

I agree. I think the support the OP is receiving here is wonderful and hope that it is somehow helping a very difficult situation, but I would also probably counsel against sharing similar stories.

Good luck OP Flowers

snewname · 16/04/2018 00:08

Yes to being the detective to find the extent of what had been happening. It could be the difference between just having to leave him or having him prosecuted to protect other women.

JiminyBillyBob · 16/04/2018 00:11

My ex husband did the same.

elfies · 16/04/2018 02:44

You say your kids are safe with him......but if you're sleeping so heavily ,are they?
Please speak to someone .

starryeyed19 · 16/04/2018 07:09

Hope you're ok this morning, OP

Ryder63 · 16/04/2018 07:14

Good morning OP. Thinking of you. I hope you reach a resolution to this awful situation ASAP.

Beaverhausen · 16/04/2018 07:39

What would worry me more is what if he was posting it to these porn sites. Very unsettling OP it is an invasion of your privacy.

I would give him an ultimatum in either he tells you the truth or you call the police and they will confiscate his phone and I doubt he would want them to find anything on there.

miaows · 16/04/2018 07:44

My friend discovered her ex who she lived with for years was drugging raping and filming her. She found the videos by accident. He was arrested. She discovered that he was doing it for years and she had no clue.