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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I have made a huge humiliating mistake!

173 replies

oasislove · 14/04/2018 19:51

So, where to start?!

I have been with my partner for 10 years and we have 2 children. For a number of years now our relationship has been as good as over. No intimacy, affection, sex etc. We just annoy each other so stay out each other's way most of the time. We have a nice home etc and if I ended it I wouldn't have anything and would lose the kids half the time.

So anyway, recently I have had a crush on my daughters swimming instructor. He is good looking, amazing with the children etc and doesn't wear a wedding ring when in the pool (not that this means anything). I know nothing about him except his first name.

Today was his last day teaching my daughter as he is leaving ( don't know the reason why). Which is a shame as I will miss seeing him (staring at him) every Saturday - I know, I know, that is pathetic! Anyway my daughter got him a card to say thank you. And in a moment of madness I put a piece of paper in the card which said this:

"I know this is probably completely inappropriate and please just throw this away if so but as life is too short.... (my name and telephone number inserted here)"

Shit, what have I done?! Even though he won't be there next week I might be the laughing stock if he has told anyone! Shit shit shit.., not expecting a reply... but what was I thinking?! Sad and lonely at the moment I guess. And I suspect my partner has been having some kind of emotional or physical affair! I just want more and I thought he was that more. Do I just avoid taking my daughter to her lessons ever again?!

OP posts:
SantaClauseMightWork · 14/04/2018 19:55

Use this as a point to start to work on your life?
Don't fret too much over this. Everyone makes silly mistakes. I hope it doesn't make him feel too uncomfortable. The poor guy has the right to work without being stared at by his clients.

thelastrunaway · 14/04/2018 19:56

Bleugh - imagine the situation in reverse.

Bluebelle38 · 14/04/2018 19:57

You did it because you are craving affection and are deeply unhappy.

This isn't about the note it's about your future. Why are you staying married? To keep a nice house?

Angelf1sh · 14/04/2018 19:59

If he’s not interested then you’re never going to see or hear from him again so I wouldn’t waste time being embarrassed. You should, however, spend some time talking to your husband. You’ve potentially started an affair here and even if your husband is also having an affair, two wrongs don’t make a right. You should either try to pull your marriage back together or else end it and set both of you free.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 14/04/2018 20:00

Oh dear were you hoping he'd show you his breast stroke techniques?

On a serious note, don't look to another man to rescue you from your current relationship. If you're unhappy, you'll have to leave. It's not fair to involve someone else. Sad

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 14/04/2018 20:01

You’ve crossed a line. You end your marriage before you start coming on to other people!!

Whether this man contacts you or not you need to end your marriage.

Mouseville65 · 14/04/2018 20:03

My friend once did something very similar (she was single at the time) he never responded and she too was worried he'd told people and felt humiliated. Fast forward several years and she's now in a relationship and has DC ... the note guy only turns out to be his best friend 😳 She still shudders every time she thinks about 'the note'.

Mouseville65 · 14/04/2018 20:03

My friend once did something very similar (she was single at the time) he never responded and she too was worried he'd told people and felt humiliated. Fast forward several years and she's now in a relationship and has DC ... the note guy only turns out to be his best friend 😳 She still shudders every time she thinks about 'the note'.

privateporcupine · 14/04/2018 20:09

How on earth were you going to explain your marital set up if he was interested?? And on the minuscule chance he was interested in a married woman, then what? Then it’s okay to leave your husband and nice home, but not before? How do?

CoolCarrie · 14/04/2018 20:10

What is done, is done, don’t sweat it.

MrsGB2225 · 14/04/2018 20:11

I'm cringing for you

GloGirl · 14/04/2018 20:11

Let this be the impetus that pushes you into a make or break with your marriage.

You were so unhappy you are trying to instigate an affair. Not on. Go to counselling or get a divorce.

In a book this might be a "whim" decision, but really, in real life you are trying to cheat on your husband, it's grim.

Mrsbird311 · 14/04/2018 20:18

We’ve all done ducking things, brazen it out!! I doubt he has told anyone , if anyone says anything say you were wanting private swimming lessons, it doesn’t matter wether they believe you or not!! You need to speak to your husband see if he wants to separate but live together for the kids??

WonderWombat · 14/04/2018 20:22

I think that when you're in a loveless relationship it's natural to seek affection elsewhere.

I don't think that there's any rule about the bloke having to make the first move.

No doubt the Mumsnet morality police will be on your back, but I don't think you've done anything dreadful.

However, it does sound as if you need to think seriously about whether you actually want to be married.

SomewhatDisgruntled · 14/04/2018 20:23

There are lots of things you obviously want/need to change in your life, but in terms of the embarrassment you're feeling and worry about making potentially a huge mistake then I would say think about what his possible responses might be to your note and try to work out how you can respond to each situation. For instance, if he calls then what do you want to do? If - your biggest worry - he tells people and laughs at you with others, how can you handle it? The fact that this is probably not going to happen won't stop you worrying about the possibility, so make a plan. Is it purely the fear of being embarrassed in front of other parents that's worrying you? If so, can you imagine sticking it out for the sake of your daughter? If you really can't, then look at other options in terms of swimming lessons. Or is your biggest fear actually that your family eventually find out? If so, could this be the time to have a frank conversation with your husband.

I'm not remotely qualified to give advice about all the complicated relationship stuff going on, but I do have some experience dealing with anxiety and social anxiety and confronting the possible outcomes and trying to plan for them can make situations more manageable than walking round with the awful 'what if' sense of doom dominating your thoughts.

Charolais · 14/04/2018 20:26

If you were a married bloke and sent it to a woman people here would be telling the woman to send the note to the bloke’s wife.

snewname · 14/04/2018 20:28

Just use this as the impetus to start sorting out your life so that you are in a position to find a real meaningful relationship.

You are just treading water now (sorry Smile )

RidingWindhorses · 14/04/2018 20:32

You're probably not the first desparate housewife to throw yourself at him metaphorically, don't sweat it.

Iflyaway · 14/04/2018 20:32

Why are you staying married? To keep a nice house?

This.

Do all of you a favour and live an authentic life.

Original poster
oasislove · 14/04/2018 20:32

Just to clarify, we aren't married. I know this doesn't make a difference to the situation.

I don't really know what I was thinking. If he does contact me what do I say... "oh by the way I'm already in a relationship!" I am ridiculous!

I am in my late twenties if this helps set the scene... not sure about him, maybe similar.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 14/04/2018 20:33

If you want to kept your nice then you need to focus on your relationship and seeing if it can be salvaged.

Staying together “for the children” (or the trappings...) is a terrible thing to do for your family. Your kids won’t thank you for it and living in a household with parents who barely tolerate each other is a grim burden. Take it from someone who was extremely grateful her parents finally bit the bullet and divorced, despite the subsequent move to a less nice neighbourhood.

YeahAndThenWhat · 14/04/2018 20:34

Yep that’s really bad. Finish with your marriage if that’s what you want and, once you’ve done that, then you can start chasing other blokes.

expatinscotland · 14/04/2018 20:35

If you were a man and had done this to a female swimming instructor, you'd have been handed your arse on a plate.

Iflyaway · 14/04/2018 20:35

Married or not you have two kids and are living in a fairy tale.

Late 20's? You've got your whole life ahead of you to make it a good one instead of running after fantasies...

extinctspecies · 14/04/2018 20:37

You have plenty of time ahead of you to find your true love.

Either salvage your current relationship, or move on.

Then you can look for love elsewhere.

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