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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I have made a huge humiliating mistake!

173 replies

oasislove · 14/04/2018 19:51

So, where to start?!

I have been with my partner for 10 years and we have 2 children. For a number of years now our relationship has been as good as over. No intimacy, affection, sex etc. We just annoy each other so stay out each other's way most of the time. We have a nice home etc and if I ended it I wouldn't have anything and would lose the kids half the time.

So anyway, recently I have had a crush on my daughters swimming instructor. He is good looking, amazing with the children etc and doesn't wear a wedding ring when in the pool (not that this means anything). I know nothing about him except his first name.

Today was his last day teaching my daughter as he is leaving ( don't know the reason why). Which is a shame as I will miss seeing him (staring at him) every Saturday - I know, I know, that is pathetic! Anyway my daughter got him a card to say thank you. And in a moment of madness I put a piece of paper in the card which said this:

"I know this is probably completely inappropriate and please just throw this away if so but as life is too short.... (my name and telephone number inserted here)"

Shit, what have I done?! Even though he won't be there next week I might be the laughing stock if he has told anyone! Shit shit shit.., not expecting a reply... but what was I thinking?! Sad and lonely at the moment I guess. And I suspect my partner has been having some kind of emotional or physical affair! I just want more and I thought he was that more. Do I just avoid taking my daughter to her lessons ever again?!

OP posts:
DamsonOnThisDress · 14/04/2018 22:51

Never mind the ring business. My DH rarely wears his ring - particularly if he's going to be getting hands wet (lost weight, risk he'll lose it, blah de blah). My dad has never worn one. He could have a partner.

Basically, his status is unknown and, imo, by the by. You do know your status though. I honestly do think you need to talk to your partner. If you're that unhappy you can't keep pretending (and hijacking children's greetings cards Blush).

Seriously, what kind of house is this? A self-cleaning one? Confused Not worth it.

Forget swim boy and focus on what's going on with your other half would be my advice.

Original poster
oasislove · 14/04/2018 22:56

Ouch, I'm being attacked now. I never mentioned if he had shown me any interest or not so why assume he hasn't..., to make me look and feel even worse?

And I said I'm staying for the kids not the bloody house! I don't think some people live in the real world... it isn't easy to just up and leave!

OP posts:
DalmatianSpring · 14/04/2018 22:56

Propositioning him = not great since you’re married, but not that bad.

Doing it via children’s greetings card = creepy. Like you’re pimping your kids out.

Original poster
oasislove · 14/04/2018 22:56

Ouch, I'm being attacked now. I never mentioned if he had shown me any interest or not so why assume he hasn't..., to make me look and feel even worse?

And I said I'm staying for the kids not the bloody house! I don't think some people live in the real world... it isn't easy to just up and leave!

OP posts:
snewname · 14/04/2018 22:58

No it's not easy to do but it's the right thing to do.
It's only a matter of time before an affair splits the family anyway - be it yours or his. Do it the nice way without anyone involved and you may have a chance of a relatively unacrimonous divorce.

AlpacaLypse · 14/04/2018 22:58

Quite apart from anything else peripatetic teachers have to have child protection certificates. Meanwhile, all the ones I know are music rather than sports - but they all live in utter terror of besotted mums (and occasionally) dads hitting on them during the worst bits of 7 year itch crisis.

You are being very unfair, talk to your spouse properly before dragging your children and their teachers into your troubles.

MadMags · 14/04/2018 22:59

to make me look and feel even worse?

You don’t seem to feel bad at all. And I don’t think you need any help looking bad.

What in my post was inaccurate? Sorry, apart from him showing interest. You said you’ve stared at him every week and he’s leaving. So, did he show an interest?

Not sure how that makes you look any different, either.

But anyway - what did you want from the thread?

BitOutOfPractice · 14/04/2018 23:02

A home where the parents live in an atmosphere of barely controlled hostility is not a "nice house". And don't fool yourself that the kids don't know that their parents don't like each other. They do know.

DistanceCall · 14/04/2018 23:04

I said I'm staying for the kids not the bloody house!

We have a nice home etc and if I ended it I wouldn't have anything and would lose the kids half the time.

You think your kids will be happier with a nice house than if they see their parents being separately happy? You have a very warped view of families and relationships. Your chidren will grow up wishing you and your husband had split up sooner. I guarantee it.

RainyApril · 14/04/2018 23:07

I'm staying for the kids

For the next six decades of your life, or just until your kids leave home? Your dh deserves to know the basis of the relationship so he can decide whether he wants to stick around or not. It's not easy to leave at all, but lots of us manage it. And I f you're still really determined to stay in the marriage, do it with integrity.

DistanceCall · 14/04/2018 23:07

I don't think some people live in the real world... it isn't easy to just up and leave!

So it's preferable to fuck your children's teacher on the side and stay with their father whom you despise (in front of your children)? Oh, I forgot. But you'll keep your nice house, of course.

DamsonOnThisDress · 14/04/2018 23:08

No, I know it's not just for the house. You're thinking about the disruption to the kid(s?) lives - I get that, I really do.

But if you're so unhappy in your relationship that you impulsively gave another guy your number, commandeered your child's card to do so and now seem more preoccupied by his lack of response/embarrassment rather than guilt about what you've done to your OH then your child/children will pick on that.

Sometimes staying together for the kids is much more harmful for the kids.

It's one thing if you can suck it up and fake it in an unhappy relationship but surely this shows you that you can't. Not sure many if any could tbh.

You barely mention your OH in all this. It seems like you don't value him at all. (Apologies if I'm way off the mark. I don't know. It's just how it reads.) And you think he's having an affair? Do you really think you can carry on as you are and your children won't pick up on it?

DistanceCall · 14/04/2018 23:10

For a number of years now our relationship has been as good as over. No intimacy, affection, sex etc. We just annoy each other so stay out each other's way most of the time.

The children know already. Children are not idiots, as many parents seem to believe.

Redcliff · 14/04/2018 23:13

I'm not sure how old your kids are but if they are 8 or under and your planning to stay until they go to uni that is 10 or more years of being unhappy relationship. Have you considered couples therapy? Would your partner go ?

whywhowhere · 14/04/2018 23:14

OP. I'm in a similar situation and am only with my husband now for the children. If we split the kids would have to leave their friends, their school, the only place they've ever known and start again with nothing. I'm not prepared to do that to them. I'm lonely too and have zero relationship with oh. I can understand why you put the note in. After thinking about it a few hours now, what would you do if he came back to you and said yes he wants to meet up?

DD43 · 14/04/2018 23:15

Oh FFS! I don't know what is worse, the dreadful and embarrassing way the OP has behaved, or the posters here supporting her with this 'you go girl!' type comments.

Christ on a bike! Hmm

I am embarrassed for you @oasislove Let's hope the bloke did the decent thing and ripped your silly note up.

buddahsitter · 14/04/2018 23:27

I don't think that its so bad and he will probably be flattered. If he is in a relationship you will probably not hear anything but I don't expect that he will brag about it anyway. Don't worry things will get better.

bluebell34567 · 14/04/2018 23:36

if he rings don't meet him, I don't think you will get anything from that sort of relationship other than hurt.
I am sure he has other admirers, too.
I think best thing to do now is to decide what to do with your dp.

RainyApril · 14/04/2018 23:46

he will probably be flattered

Said every woman ever propositioned by a married man. Especially when said proposition comes via his kid. If you're flattered by that your bar is set pretty low indeed.

DalmatianSpring · 14/04/2018 23:49

I don't think you will get anything from that sort of relationship other than hurt.

And drama and excitement and great sex.

Otherwise people wouldn’t do it.

expatinscotland · 14/04/2018 23:52

You had better hope he doesn't upload the card and note to social media.

DalmatianSpring · 15/04/2018 00:04

Well that would be a dick move on his part, humiliating the kids publicly. That would be worse than what the OPs done!

coffeeX10 · 15/04/2018 00:12

Whether he is wearing a ring or not means nothing, afterall you (presumably) don’t wear a ring since you’re not married however you do have a partner, 2 children and a mortgage so the ring doesn’t mean anything in terms of whethe he has commitments.

Look, let’s hope he doesn’t call or message you - you say you don’t want to give up what you have, well if you began an affair and were found out you’d be (again presumably) forced to give your house and share custody of your children. Not to mention having your children know why.

So it’s simple really, you make it work with your partner or you leave. You couldn’t have an affair alongside what you have, if he’s your age I’m sure he wouldn’t want a part time secret girlfriend either.

And again to reiterate what other posters have said: imagine if a man was on here saying he’s got a partner and kids but he feels there’s no affection blah blah so he’s slipped someone else his number, no way would people be saying “go for it you only live once” what a load of hypocritical shit.

DamsonOnThisDress · 15/04/2018 00:13

I suppose he could but I'd say in all likelihood he won't do anything with it, particularly given his role.

I'm sorry you're feeling got at OP. Think people are just worried that you're going down a dangerous path. I'm sure you're very lonely. Take care of yourself.

PetulantPolecat · 15/04/2018 00:16

He wouldn’t be humiliating the kids. The only dick move is putting a note like that in a card a child made and if he wants the world to know which dick wrote it, good on him.

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