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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I have made a huge humiliating mistake!

173 replies

oasislove · 14/04/2018 19:51

So, where to start?!

I have been with my partner for 10 years and we have 2 children. For a number of years now our relationship has been as good as over. No intimacy, affection, sex etc. We just annoy each other so stay out each other's way most of the time. We have a nice home etc and if I ended it I wouldn't have anything and would lose the kids half the time.

So anyway, recently I have had a crush on my daughters swimming instructor. He is good looking, amazing with the children etc and doesn't wear a wedding ring when in the pool (not that this means anything). I know nothing about him except his first name.

Today was his last day teaching my daughter as he is leaving ( don't know the reason why). Which is a shame as I will miss seeing him (staring at him) every Saturday - I know, I know, that is pathetic! Anyway my daughter got him a card to say thank you. And in a moment of madness I put a piece of paper in the card which said this:

"I know this is probably completely inappropriate and please just throw this away if so but as life is too short.... (my name and telephone number inserted here)"

Shit, what have I done?! Even though he won't be there next week I might be the laughing stock if he has told anyone! Shit shit shit.., not expecting a reply... but what was I thinking?! Sad and lonely at the moment I guess. And I suspect my partner has been having some kind of emotional or physical affair! I just want more and I thought he was that more. Do I just avoid taking my daughter to her lessons ever again?!

OP posts:
Original poster
oasislove · 14/04/2018 21:21

No I'm staying with him for the kids, so they have the nice house, and they have parents that are always there.

OP posts:
Original poster
oasislove · 14/04/2018 21:21

No I'm staying with him for the kids, so they have the nice house, and they have parents that are always there.

OP posts:
Original poster
oasislove · 14/04/2018 21:22

Oooops

OP posts:
ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 14/04/2018 21:22

So you’re never going to have a happy relationship? Or will you just cheat?

smithsinarazz · 14/04/2018 21:24

Oh lovey! Crushes are bloody horrible. They're horrible when you're 15. They're horrible when you're 45. They fill you full of evolutionarily-determined sex obsession so that you come to believe that the line between thinking and doing is non-existent. I think it was George Melly who said that he was glad he'd lost his sex drive because it was like being shackled to a maniac. I know what he meant.
Maybe the guy'll sweep you up in his manly arms after swimming practice and invite you for a night of mad passionate lurve next Tuesday - stranger things have happened than a man and a woman fancying one another - but if not - you're only human. xx

MissMary0fSweden · 14/04/2018 21:25

and they have parents that are always there

Even if they're propositioning their teachers? Come on now.

LivininaBox · 14/04/2018 21:26

I feel a bit sorry for the swimming instructor, you have the option of avoiding him but he can't avoid you unless he gives up his job.

EmmaC78 · 14/04/2018 21:28

I feel a bit sorry for the swimming instructor, you have the option of avoiding him but he can't avoid you unless he gives up his job.

The OP said in her post that it was his last day in the job as he was leaving.

DistanceCall · 14/04/2018 21:28

We have a nice house with large mortgage and if we sold and split the equity I wouldn't be able to afford more than a flat, same for partner. The kids love this house, as do I.

Are you listening to yourself? You are staying in an unhappy marriage, setting a terrible model for your children's future relationships - because your house is nice?

himynameiss · 14/04/2018 21:30

I hope he calls I really do!

DistanceCall · 14/04/2018 21:30

No I'm staying with him for the kids, so they have the nice house, and they have parents that are always there.

If you think your children don't notice that Mummy and Daddy can't stand each other, you are really, really delusional. You're damaging your children. Because of a bloody house.

crazyhead · 14/04/2018 21:33

Apart from a stupid note, nothing's actually happened and you can learn from this.

Honestly, if you do land up in an affair, or your DP does, then 'nice house' is that last thing your kids will have to worry about because there's a massive chance that you'll have a really acrimonious split, and bitterness between parents is so much overwhelmingly worse.
Unless you are convinced you can permanently quell your need for affection and passion, you need to think long and hard about the options.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/04/2018 21:33

oasislove

re your earlier comment:-
"No I'm staying with him for the kids, so they have the nice house, and they have parents that are always there".

Big Mistake. Huge. House is but bricks and mortar; its certainly not their sanctuary and you cannot protect them from the realities of your crumbled relationship with their dad. There is nothing to stop your partner leaving at some point either even if you were fool enough not to leave him. Do not use the kids or your house as the reasons to stay; you're staying with him for your own selfish reasons.

Your children would rather have their parents apart and generally happier than to be together and miserable as you both are now. All the above will do is teach your children that a loveless relationship will be their norm too. Is that really what you want to teach them about relationships - some legacy that is to leave them. Don't they as well as you deserve better?. You do realise of course that your own relationship with them going forward could be affected because they could accuse you of putting him before them.

You're only thinking of your own self here because you are full of fear re the unknown, think that he will have the kids half the time (not necessarily at all the case here) and are too damn frightened to break out on your own. Where is your self respect and self worth here?. What did your parents teach you about relationships when you were growing up, did you see a similar loveless relationship from them too?. Where has this crappy mindset in the above come from?.

Fairylea · 14/04/2018 21:35

You sound really unhappy with your dp so you need to leave and start again. In your 20s is the perfect time to do it! (I did it twice in my 20s, started over for various reasons, and am now happily married aged 38)!

Sure it’s cringey and you know you shouldn’t have done it but who hasn’t done a few really stupid cringey things?

Take it as a sign you need to sort your life out.

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 14/04/2018 21:36

Oh, OP... I can see both sides of this, and whilst I'm cringing for you a bit, some good can come out of it, in that it might spur you on to do something about your relationship with DP - whether that's working on things or deciding to split. If you think things between you can be fixed, then try that. But imagine in 30yrs time that you're still together and nothing changed. Would it have been worth it just to avoid a period of upheaval?

FWIW my ex & I had been drifting apart for years. We weren't unhappy, but the only thing holding us together were the children and the house. When a crisis hit, I decided to end it with him. Since then, my children have (mostly) thrived, because they get better time with us separately, and because I'm happier & more fulfilled than I was before (despite being resolutely single). Yes, my house now is a bit crapper than where we were before, but it's mine, and it's my life again.

PrettyLittIeThing · 14/04/2018 21:40

Oh goodness I am cringing for you!! I read your last post. why did you do that? How embarrasing.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 14/04/2018 21:40

I hope he calls I really do!

Really?? Think that through! Ffs.

PhonixK · 14/04/2018 21:47

I'm just flabbergasted. We all make mistakes but I really hope he doesn't call you. If you aren't happy in your relationship you need to communicate with your partner so he knows and can tell you how he feels. How is anything supposed to change if you don't? He isn't a mind reader and neither are you. He could be just as unhappy.

You could both work at being more affectionate and intimate or go your separate ways. But don't cheat because that's shit

AnnieAnoniMouser · 14/04/2018 21:49

(Had you been single) I don’t think there was anything wrong with giving him the note, nor would I think there was anything wrong with a bloke giving it to a female instructor. I’m not getting the ‘weird/creepy’ comments. So I wouldn’t be worried about it from that POV. He’ll call or not, but if he shows the others in a horrible way, then it’s not worth worrying about, they’ll think badly of him, not you. It’s not like you were gushing over his physique etc.

I totally understand your thoughts & feelings about him and your desire to feel attractive, wanted etc. It’s natural. If he called, I would go for a drink with him, but once there I would tell him I shouldn’t have sent the note as I’m in a relationship, but I did because I’m unhappy in the process of ending it and I didn’t want to lose touch with him in the meantime once he stopped teaching DD.. Ask him if you can call him when you’re single. If that’s the worst thing you do while your with your DP, then the world won’t end.

Then, you need to sort out how best to leave your DP. You’re in your 20’s, you’ve been unhappy together for a long time. It’s not good for you, it’s not good for your DP and it’s not good for your kids. I know it’s hard when you want to have a happy family with the man you made the children with and have a nice house etc. But it will end badly. One of you will have a messy affair and that will be harder on the other one and the children. You’ve seen how easy it would be to start an affair, you do NOT want to see first hand the fall out of having an affair. The effects last a very longtime, for everyone and they will impact on your children’s adult relationships too.

You deserve to be happy, but do it the right way 💐

IMBU · 14/04/2018 22:05

What's done is done. Don't sweat the small stuff - life is too short. I do think you need to have an honest conversation with your husband though. Is there any chance things between the two of you could improve if you are both prepared to work on it? Maybe some relationship counselling? If not be honest with yourself - imagine yourself in this position in 10 years time - or when the kids have grown up and left home. What then? Would you honestly want to be with him then?

Viviennemary · 14/04/2018 22:07

I don't think this was a wise thing to do. You should have at least attempted to find out whether or not he was married before you did this. At least you won't have to see him again. It would have been better to suggest a coffee to discuss your DD's swimming progress. If he contacts you that might be the start of even more headaches. You need to act more sensibly and take control of your life. Get out of this very unsatisfying relationship and at least give yourself a chance to meet somebody new.

Notsoaccidentproneanymore · 14/04/2018 22:13

I left ‘dh1’ who was (a cunt) EA for someone else. I used to love dh1, but he had massive problems.

I’ve been with dh2 for nearly 19 years. But we’d been friends for 4 years prior to that.

People say finish one relationship before moving on. But it isn’t always that easy.

Just wait and see what happens. And don’t worry. It’s done now.

Just be careful and put yourself first (with you dcs a close second)

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 14/04/2018 22:21

People say finish one relationship before moving on. But it isn’t always that easy.

Yes it is!! You just don’t start a new relationship! Try and justify it all you like buy you have a choice. Relationships dont just happen to you.

Baubletrouble43 · 14/04/2018 22:22

op I know kids brought up in shitty flats / houses who are happy because they are surrounded by love. I also know kids who live in mansions who are fucked up because their parents are massively dysfunctional. I can get you want to give your kids a nice home but your life and feelings matter too you know. Old cliche about happy momma happy kids is true i think.

Original poster
oasislove · 14/04/2018 22:23

He wasn't wearing a wedding ring but would instructors remove one while teaching?

OP posts:
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