I think I have made a huge humiliating mistake!

[oasislove]

So, where to start?!

I have been with my partner for 10 years and we have 2 children. For a number of years now our relationship has been as good as over. No intimacy, affection, sex etc. We just annoy each other so stay out each other's way most of the time. We have a nice home etc and if I ended it I wouldn't have anything and would lose the kids half the time.

So anyway, recently I have had a crush on my daughters swimming instructor. He is good looking, amazing with the children etc and doesn't wear a wedding ring when in the pool (not that this means anything). I know nothing about him except his first name.

Today was his last day teaching my daughter as he is leaving ( don't know the reason why). Which is a shame as I will miss seeing him (staring at him) every Saturday - I know, I know, that is pathetic! Anyway my daughter got him a card to say thank you. And in a moment of madness I put a piece of paper in the card which said this:

"I know this is probably completely inappropriate and please just throw this away if so but as life is too short.... (my name and telephone number inserted here)"

Shit, what have I done?! Even though he won't be there next week I might be the laughing stock if he has told anyone! Shit shit shit.., not expecting a reply... but what was I thinking?! Sad and lonely at the moment I guess. And I suspect my partner has been having some kind of emotional or physical affair! I just want more and I thought he was that more. Do I just avoid taking my daughter to her lessons ever again?!

At no point did I say this was the correct move from the op.

It did take balls, albeit misplaced balls!

Please don’t insinuate that I am condoning any partner ‘shagging’ someone else. As I take it the above comment was directed at mine.

I just don’t see what good laying into someone who is clearly unhappy and has made a mistake is going to do.

Op should forget the note, sort her relationship problems and move on. I don’t see why this has to be said nastily.

@And it wasn’t only you who made such comments.

And OP took exception early on to people who didn’t think her behaviour was acceptable so I’m dubious that this was a mistake at all.

I think she was hoping everyone would twitter about her madcap, romantic gesture. Perhaps she’s painted herself as some romcom lead in her own life.

What she does is her business. But when you’ve been unreasonable, and you ask if you were unreasonable, you need to be prepared to get the truth. But I don’t think for a second that she regrets it, or that she wanted to be told it wasn’t ok.

Epiphany moment

Just own it. You did it as an act of confidence. He's not interested? No big deal. He is? Cross that bridge when you get to it! You're a confident woman who did something daring off her own back. Good for you!

Yay good for you using your child to trawl for a fuck. You go girl!

You're not in a relationship, op, you're in a
house sharing/co parenting setup for all real intents.
And it's going to mess your head and your physical
health up if you continue to live this half life.

About the note - meh, no biggie. Just brazen it out.

If I got any note like that I would be flattered and it would put a smile on face. Even if I wasn't interested.

Hi love. Totally feeling for you. I’m going to ramble because I’ve been here. The thing is that monogamy forever is unrealistic. In fact we’re not even genetically built for doing so. During our lifetime we are going to get distracted and we’re going to lust after other people because we are programmed to recreate again and again every 7 years. It’s known as the seven year itch- when we want to recreate with other genes for diversity.

What I learnt recently from losing interest in a ten year relationship and being flirtatious with other men is this. Once you have over stepped that line there is no going back... you will always think about the act and it will tarnish your story with your current partner. In stepping over that mark I learnt that other men will see you as a troubled and exciting person but once they’re done with that and you begin leaving your chap they’ll be done with you and the emotional turmoil that will commence. You will then watch your new lover in his string of romances ticking off every new woman that comes into your workplace. If you had a REAL connection with your bloke ,it is still there and never really leaves. Don’t go behind someone’s back.

I learnt to appreciate the little things in my long term that make me smile. I learnt to reconnect to him and to feel my body rather than over think his negatives. I learnt to escape my mind. I also learnt that it’s okay to talk about loss of interest and libido and we have gone on to have intereting incounters with other people together which has drawn us closer and has created exciting opportunities. I didn’t want to be destined to only having one man in my arms for my whole lifetime.I’m not saying embrace polyamory but what I’m saying is that sometimes we need to talk, try and reconnect because life isn’t all about work, bills and kids and if reconnection isn’t possible then walking away is the kinder option... just don’t give up before trying to fix things. We also found that going to a sex therapist worked wonders because she could reflect and encourage us to be true to ourselves and eachother :-) I hope you work it out xxx

If I received this from somebody I assumed was single I wouldn’t find it creepy? Pimping your child out?! Who writes this shite???

The only problem here is that you’ve done it when you aren’t single. But I’m not gunna give you a lecture

Use this as a wake up call
Your children would rather you separate and be happy.

I wouldn’t worry about the note - he'll most likely just be flattered (unless it happens to him so often he’s used to it!). And you only gave it to him at a time when you weren't going to see him again, so it's not as if he has to worry about things being awkward when you next see each other. Whatever, it’s done now, and I’m sure all of us have done things we cringe about slightly, looking back. This is fairly mild on the cringeworthy scale.

But for sure, use this as an opportunity to evaluate your current relationship and move on from it, if that’s what you decide to do.

leave your partner its quite simple you dont love him or want to be there-what are you teaching your children money means more than anything?

Hardly pimping her child out. Would have been far worse has she hunted his address down or turned up at his home. Spur of the moment thing, nothing wrong with putting in a card from her child. Wouldn't bother me at all if I were the instructor. The marriage bit a whole different story, but the card itself totally fine.

Just to add... I was seriously tempted by someone I'd become close with. We were just friends, but we 'got' each other, instantly. And no, that's not in my head. We both knew it could have tipped over into something else, very easily, and I admit I wanted it to, despite both of us being committed elsewhere.

I spoke to a friend who had had flings, affairs, flirtations before she left her husband. I essentially asked her if there was any way back from it. And she said no. She realised that once she'd gone down that road, of not just thinking about someone else, but acting on it, she knew it was over. Her only regret was that she didn't leave her husband before, so he didn't find out, and was hurt by it. It made their split so much more hard.

Ex & I split, in any case. But I didn't cheat on him, or pursue anyone else. I realised that the thrill of this other man told me that my relationship wasn't right, but I wouldn't necessarily get happiness elsewhere.

Did he text or call OP?

No I haven't heard from him... quite relieved actually.

But I decided to have a big heart to heart with my partner yesterday about how I'm feeling about our relationship and that maybe we should split. I cried a lot and he assured me that me loves me and that there definitely isn't anyone else and how he wants to change and make things better with us again. I agreed that we should try but I didn't know if I loved him in the right way anymore.

The thing is even if he did change, would I ever find him attractive enough again to want to touch and kiss him again? I don't at the moment but will these feelings come back?

So confused at the moment 😞

With partnerships and marriages, I think we make choices. It isn’t uncommon to fall out of love and then fall back in love. If either you don’t want to stick around to see how you feel a year or two down the road or the latter doesn’t happen, then it’s time to split. Often it takes a crisis to see how you really feel so good on you for talking to him.

Oh and it’s not him changing for you. It’s also your perception of him changing. The only one you can change is yourself.

Well done for broaching the subject and talking if out OP.
See how it goes, you may be surprised, or you may indeed have fallen out of love with him. You've gone a long time without affection, just be true to yourself Sweet. 🌸

WonderWombat Sat 14-Apr-18 20:22:02

I think that when you're in a loveless relationship it's natural to seek affection elsewhere.

No doubt the Mumsnet morality police will be on your back, but I don't think you've done anything dreadful.

THIS ^

It's natural to seek affection elsewhere

Bet you'd feel differently if it was your spouse trying to arrange something because he didn't fancy you any more.

I realise that 'morality police' is designed as a slur but there's nothing wrong with treating people with kindness and dignity.

Op, I'm glad it's prompted you to talk to your dh. I tend to think that couples should try everything when children are involved, and I know several couples who have had a lot of success reconnecting through relationship counselling. Having said that, both parties need to want a resolution for it to stand a chance, so it may have gone too far for you. If that's the case, they can counsel you both through the separation.

Well done for talking things through :-) You know what... I think most couples have a sex drought and it makes it really difficult to get back into. I wouldn’t throw it away just yet especially if you both haven’t knowingly worked at it. Keeping happy is being happy. I’m really pleased I worked through my similar situ :-) x

It's natural to seek affection elsewhere

Bet you'd feel differently if it was your spouse trying to arrange something because he didn't fancy you any more.

I think in a long marriage there have been times when I have not been physically affectionate - or even verbally loving - towards my partner. This has partly been because of his behaviour, but also because I've not wanted to make a lot of effort or have simpley got swamped in my own problems. There would have been times when I think it would have been understandable/forgiveable if he had sought love elsewhere.

I'm so glad you spoke with your OH. Atm it sounds as positive as it could be - well, he's saying the right things anyway. I hope he keeps to his word and can make the effort. And you'll have to too if you do want to try.

Of course you don't feel much love - you've been disengaged and living separate lives for so long it stands to reason that feelings of love and desire will evaporate. You have effectively shut off to him but that doesn't mean it will always be like that.

If you can both work toward building a closeness again it can come back. I think it's certainly worth giving it the best shot you can - reading your posts you obviously don't want to give up on your family easily and your kids are paramount. Make time for yourselves and have fun in the relationship again.

Don't rush it though or beat yourself up when the feelings aren't 'coming back' quick enough. I imagine it will take time and a lot of proactive efforts on both sides.

Marriage counselling might help. Maybe consider that?

What has happened with you is not uncommon. Sometimes it spells the end but often it's a blip, for want of a better word, in the marriage/long term relationship.

It sounds like he wants to be there for you. Talk to him. You don't have to feel this lonely and isolated.

Only you will know if it's over or you can get back what you had but give it time.

I really do wish you all the best.