Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I have made a huge humiliating mistake!

173 replies

oasislove · 14/04/2018 19:51

So, where to start?!

I have been with my partner for 10 years and we have 2 children. For a number of years now our relationship has been as good as over. No intimacy, affection, sex etc. We just annoy each other so stay out each other's way most of the time. We have a nice home etc and if I ended it I wouldn't have anything and would lose the kids half the time.

So anyway, recently I have had a crush on my daughters swimming instructor. He is good looking, amazing with the children etc and doesn't wear a wedding ring when in the pool (not that this means anything). I know nothing about him except his first name.

Today was his last day teaching my daughter as he is leaving ( don't know the reason why). Which is a shame as I will miss seeing him (staring at him) every Saturday - I know, I know, that is pathetic! Anyway my daughter got him a card to say thank you. And in a moment of madness I put a piece of paper in the card which said this:

"I know this is probably completely inappropriate and please just throw this away if so but as life is too short.... (my name and telephone number inserted here)"

Shit, what have I done?! Even though he won't be there next week I might be the laughing stock if he has told anyone! Shit shit shit.., not expecting a reply... but what was I thinking?! Sad and lonely at the moment I guess. And I suspect my partner has been having some kind of emotional or physical affair! I just want more and I thought he was that more. Do I just avoid taking my daughter to her lessons ever again?!

OP posts:
willynillypie · 15/04/2018 00:28

OP, if you post on AIBU you have to accept the risk that people will think you are being unreasonable.

crimsonlake · 15/04/2018 00:34

I think you started this thread hoping for encouraging words and are still hoping he will contact you to be honest.

MrsGloop · 15/04/2018 00:44

OP, I think you’re getting a rough ride on here. I was actually very close to doing something similar (not to a swim instructor but to our house painter - I know, what a cliche!) Our marriage was going through a very rough patch and I felt starved of any sort of affection. I lusted after the painter like a schoolgirl. I actually drafted a text but had the good sense to delete it before sending.

I get why you’re embarrassed but I also remember that sense of a spark and feeling as though this might be a chance to feel something again. When you’re not getting that affection from home, sometimes you want it from somewhere else - anywhere else.

Thehamsterspajamas · 15/04/2018 00:55

Maybe this is the thing that will help you deal with the real issue here - your marriage. Can you imagine yourself still in this relationship in 5 or 10 years? Is there anything you want to try salvage and make it work? If not, can you start to work towards an exit plan? You have your whole life ahead of you and it would be so awful to look back and wished you’d split up sooner and not spent so many years unhappy and craving love and attention. My biggest regret in life is just that. It took me 23years to finally leave. What a huge bloody waste. Think about what you need, what you want your DC to learn about adult relationships and work on a plan to either work on you marriage or leave It.

maras2 · 15/04/2018 06:43

We've been married for 43 years.
Neither of us wears a wedding ring.

GibbousMoon · 15/04/2018 06:59

First is some honest discussion with your DP. And if after several serious attempts that proves impossible you will have to start looking at flats (possibly close to each other to make it easier for the DCs) and splitting.

GodYouMakeMeCringe · 15/04/2018 07:06

Oh the fond memories the kids will have of the lovely house and Mummy using their crafts to try and get fucked at extra curricular activities.

I'd be disgusted with you if I was the instructor. Openly suggesting he just be a bit on the side and using your kids to do it. Urgh.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 15/04/2018 07:19

OP, the note inside your daughters card, was a mistake, people make them. Hopefully, this thread and other people's advice/opinions, will help you to realise that it's time for change. Your children will have noticed the atmosphere in your 'nice house', speak to your husband, you need to sort your lives out.

Scott72 · 15/04/2018 07:24

OP isn't married to her partner. If they were married would things be much different? Probably not, people drift apart, whether married or not. I am leery of the whole concept of marriage.

But anyhow Oasis, you did something mildly embarrassing on impulse. We've all done that! And it really was only mildly embarrassing. Not criminal, not threatening. No need to mention it to your partner or anyone. Hopefully the instructor will politely acknowledge your note rather than pretending it didn't happen, but either way that will be the end of it.

Of course there's still the greater issue of what to do with your relationship. That will take a lot of very difficult discussion with your partner and probably your children too. Good luck.

londonrach · 15/04/2018 07:30

Use this to sort out this situation you not happy with. Either talk to your husband and sort this or leave. Hope you ok x

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 15/04/2018 07:31

The man could be in for a whole world of professional trouble if he responded to your approach. What an unfair position to selfishly put him in. Saying 'This may be entirely inappropriate, but...' is the equivalent of 'I don't mean to be rude, but...'. You're saying 'I know it is but I'm going to do it anyway.'

I think the point of what people would think of a man who did what you've done bears repeating.

As a child of unhappily married parents who stayed together for a number of complicated reasons, I can confirm that kids know, and that it really doesn't make for a happy home.

tortelliniforever · 15/04/2018 07:41

I think people are being mean here. So what if he doesn't respond? You had the guts to act on your feelings - maybe not the best way to go about it but don't dwell on it. Btw I once got turned down by someone I asked out. He turned out to be my future husband's friend and gay. It makes me laugh now.

QueenOfMyWorld · 15/04/2018 07:49

Using your child's card to try and gain interest from a man behind her dad's back is a bit grim

PetulantPolecat · 15/04/2018 07:50

You had the guts to act on your feelings

Can I just point out the irony? She loathes her husband but doesn’t have the guts to act on those feelings and end the relationship. What’s worse, she’s blaming her children for staying (doing it for them... yeah right!)

marchmadness · 15/04/2018 08:50

I had a friend who did this, they didn't have children but they lived with someone and the person whom they messaged was also attached.

It didn't end well... even though the man had been flirting outrageously with my friend it ended up being her who looked foolish when he turned her down because she had sent the note.

Even if this man responded, are you sure you are actually capable of an affair or is it just a fantasy? Have you even spoken to him? Maybe it will be a blessing if he ignores you.

However, when all is said and done, you can come on Mumsnet and get a lot of stick if you want but in real life things happen and people are silly.

You made a moral transgression, along with a billion other men and women who did that today.

PlausibleSuit · 15/04/2018 09:45

I think you need to separate the two things, as one is a symptom of the other.

First of all, I wouldn't worry too much about the note. A great idea? Probably not, but you're already hauling yourself over the coals for it so there's no reason to revisit that.

From experience, I think it is very unlikely that he will respond. I'm a personal trainer, and when I worked in gyms and leisure centres approaches like this to the trainers weren't uncommon.

We got specific training on how to deal with it, as it happened so often. He's a professional, making his living working with kids and parents. So if he works in an environment like a gym or leisure centre or swimming pool, he'll likely be used to this kind of thing and may well have had training on how to deal with it professionally, respectfully and kindly.

I don't have a crystal ball, of course, but I think the likelihood of him showing the note to his friends or anyone else is very, very small indeed. Speaking for myself, I received numerous notes, flowers, other tokens... I never showed anybody or talked to anyone about it, unless it crossed a particular line, in which case we had clear guidelines on how to escalate it confidentially and appropriately (and in this regard I'm talking about totally different and far more serious situations, where we felt our safety was compromised; this happened to me only once).

But I think you do need to look at your home situation and formulate a plan. This experience should be a bit of a wake-up call for you, that your home life and relationship isn't giving you, your partner or your kids what you need. You need to change something, otherwise you're going to find yourself acting in a way that makes you feel foolish again.

I don't think anyone on here can tell you what it is, but somewhere there's a bull charging around that you need to grab by the horns. Only you will know what it is, and where it is.

Good luck OP.

RainyApril · 15/04/2018 09:51

You had the guts to act on your feelings

I can imagine a dw coming on here to say that her dh was shagging the instructor who taught their children to swim, and was saying it was all her fault for withholding affection and sex, and that he was only with her for the kids and the lifestyle. I can also imagine the responses and none of them would be 'at least he had the guts to act on his feelings'.

MyKingdomForBrie · 15/04/2018 10:04

Leave first, sow wild oats after.

You can’t keep the nice house in this situation, you just can’t. Life is too short. He probably (hopefully!) won’t want to get mixed up with a coupled up mum but he might have if you were single. A flat really isn’t the end of the world, and you will probably get the majority of the time with your kids.

rainbowduck · 15/04/2018 10:08

I think you are getting a big of a rough ride here. You were spontaneous, so what? If anything, it has made you wake up to the fact you are unhappy.

Forget the note, move on and maybe start to consider your life. As you said, 'it's short'

Zeze247 · 15/04/2018 10:14

Leave fir the kids! I was brought up by parents in a situation like yours. My mum stayed for us, they used to fight then they stopped fighting because they started to live different lives. She didn’t leave until I was in my twenties and she met the other man. My adult relationships have been a nightmare I believe highly due to the one I was raised in.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 15/04/2018 10:26

I wouldn't sweat it about the note tbh, it's done now so fuck it.
At the end of your OP you said you thought your partner was having an affair of some sort-that coupled with the fact you actively avoid each other to avoid conflict sounds utterly miserable. Why would you stay in this relationship? You aren't doing the kids any favours by staying together-life is short & you only get to do it once, don't make yours one full of regrets Flowers

Highhorse1981 · 15/04/2018 10:32

The man could be in for a whole world of professional trouble if he responded to your approac

What nonsense

Andthatsthat · 15/04/2018 10:47

I think some people are being unnecessarily harsh on you op!

The morally correct thing for you to have done would be to have addressed the issues in your home relationship before approaching another man, yes. But....the timing was so, that if you didn’t make your feelings known to the instructor he would have left and a possible chance passed you by, so you acted on a whim.

My advice would be to firstly decide if you are staying in your relationship, or another man will be along to tempt you again soon. If you are staying, please try to make it work. No one deserves a relationship of convenience for the children. If you are going, go. Don’t wait to see if the instructor contacts you to help your decision, your partner deserves more.

In the meantime, forget the note. Unless he contacts you, all it was is a moment of spontaneous madness! We all do regrettable things sometimes. If he does contact you then please be honest about it with your partner.

And just to say, as much as no wedding ring is an indicator of someone’s status, it is not always rock solid evidence. My husband finds his wedding ring uncomfortable and never really wears it.

I hope your future becomes clear and you find happiness op, it took balls to do what you did, but home needs to be sorted first Flowers

MadMags · 15/04/2018 11:04

It didn’t “take balls”, it wasn’t “courageous” or something wonderfully spontaneous to use her child’s card as a means to try and fuck the instructor while her daddy is at home oblivious.

I’ll be interested to see what these posters responses will be next time a woman posts that her DH has been shagging someone else.

Oh, but he was so BRAVE. Hmm

SoapOnARoap · 15/04/2018 11:21

I am utterly embarrassed for you. Sleazy & cringy.

Sort your life out

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.