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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He has ended it.

179 replies

VeganAsia · 14/04/2018 14:23

I have had to name change for this one.

After a week of disappearing, he has said that he no longer wants to be with me, because I don’t make him happy.

(There is a little bit of a back story) I will be honest I am hurt by him telling me this. He has also said that DS6 and I will have to move out of the house because he wants to sell it ASAP. He has told me to find an apartment and he will pay the rent for me.

I don’t have many people in real life that I would feel comfortable discussing this with, I guess it is because I am embarrassed.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 18/04/2018 21:17

TheCrystalChandelier

I completely agree Flowers

Original poster
VeganAsia · 18/04/2018 22:02

I am feeling a lot better now, DS called me before bed to say goodnight.

I just hope that me and ex can come to some sort of agreement.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 18/04/2018 22:31

I am glad your DS called you, but you have to wise up here and get legal advice! I know you don't want to, but for the sake of your DS and you, you absolutely have to! Please don't keep ignoring us. Good luck in whatever you choose to do.

Original poster
VeganAsia · 19/04/2018 09:04

Morning all.

I got a text from him a few minutes ago

“Just come home we’ll sort this out”

So I called him, he answered. He told me that DS had was crying this morning for me, he also did this yesterday that’s why he kept him off school and that he went into school crying this morning because he told him that I would be picking him up, he said he didn’t want to take him into school but he had to because he has got things to do today (I don’t understand why he didn’t call me) he ended the phone call by telling me to just bring my things back to the house and we will speak later.

He has no consideration over my mental health, there’s certain things that I don’t like to do and he won’t accept that, I know if I go back he will blackmail me into doing things I don’t want to do.

He has put me through hell for over a week and now he wants me to come home.

OP posts:
iloveruby · 19/04/2018 13:32

I’m sorry but your inaction is allowing your ex to dictate everything. You have to take control back - starting with SEEING A SOLICITOR

Your refusal to do this is a contributing factor to this mess, which is NOT in your sons best interest.

Your son needs clarity and security, something which can’t be provided until you take control of this situation.

Original poster
VeganAsia · 19/04/2018 16:15

I am at home now, I will listen to what he has got to say when he comes home.

DS was crying in school, I had to explain everything to the school at home time.

OP posts:
iloveruby · 19/04/2018 16:36

But what do you want?? I don’t mean to be harsh but you sound so passive!

Do you want to get back together? Do you think you can trust him again? What do you think is best for your son in all of this?

You’ve got to begin answering these questions otherwise you are just going to end up used and discarded by you ex once again.

iloveruby · 19/04/2018 16:38

And if you know he will blackmail you if you get back together with him why are you not taking steps to ensure the relationship is over?

Why would you listen to what he has to say?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/04/2018 17:30

OP asks for advice.

Ignores all advice.

Moves back in.

Predict she will be back on FB with an identical post in 6 months.

Sad
Original poster
VeganAsia · 19/04/2018 20:53

iloveruby I don’t know what I want for myself. But I want my child to be happy, he said he feels happy now.

OP posts:
iloveruby · 19/04/2018 21:56

It is not fair to ask your 6 year old child to make such life changing decisions. It is your job as a parent to decide what is the best environment for your child, and I would argue an important part of that, is being in a home environment where the adults are respectful and kind to one another.

You have to think about the long term stability that you can provide your child, not the short term ‘are you happy’. By the rationale I would be letting my child eat chocolate until they were sick and stay up all night watching tv

You also mentiOn your mental health issues - you are far more likely to be able to manage your health in an environment where you are not being bullied and blackmailed. Surely your health should be a priority as well.

Original poster
VeganAsia · 19/04/2018 23:17

iloveruby I didn’t ask him if he was happy, he said when I was putting him to bed that he is happy now.

My mental health is going to suffer more if we split up completely, I’m able to deal with him.

He came home not long ago, and has gone upstairs to bed.

OP posts:
RainyApril · 20/04/2018 05:46

I don't understand why you would move back in with someone who doesn't love you and treats you so badly, particularly as you are financially independent.

I don't know why he reconsidered, but it does not sound like a happy home or a good relationship to model for your son.

aeromint · 20/04/2018 06:11

VeganAsia

Moving back will be a HUGE mistake. You are only making this more horrible for you and yes your child too, eventually. You may think that it's easier and simpler to move back at this time, for the sake of your child or mental health, but please listen to the people here - just listen without any kneejerk reaction, and think before opting for the easy way out.

Easy ways in relationships often have the most saddest consequences... your husband is not going to suddenly become an angel, in fact he will become worse and worse IN SPITE OF ALL HIS PROMISES - because why should he really make an effort and improve, you have proved to him that you are meek enough to move out when he told you to and foolish enough to come back to him just because he said a reassuring line. He now knows he has absolute control over you with his words alone and he will not put in any effort to change.

Please.... do not take the easy way out.

Original poster
VeganAsia · 20/04/2018 06:50

aeromint

That’s exactly what I want “the easy way out”

We had talk in the middle of the night, he has told me to go and get help for my mental health and also I need to start trying new things and I need to stop using the word “can’t” because he will be there to support me.

I asked him why he told me to leave, he said that he had, had enough and that he would never leave me.

And I think I may be pregnant because my body doesn’t feel right and I keep vomitting, I vomited this morning I think it may be the stress, I will have to take a test today, hopefully I’m not because he said he doesn’t want more children, he didn’t even want DS.

OP posts:
SlowDown76mph · 20/04/2018 09:44

What steps are you going to take to address your mental health issues?

Original poster
VeganAsia · 20/04/2018 09:49

I would like to get help.

OP posts:
SlowDown76mph · 20/04/2018 10:33

Do it. Start today.

Original poster
VeganAsia · 20/04/2018 11:40

I am going to book an appointment at the doctors, I can admit myself that some of my behaviour just isn’t normal.

It’s my fault, I am the one we has made him unhappy throughout the years.

OP posts:
onanotherday · 20/04/2018 12:48

OP a relationship is TWO people, you are not all to blame and with Mental Health problems you have been ill not bad💐 I suspect from what you have said your h has not helped and may have contributed to your illness. I say this as many mners are familiar with gaslighting etc this may or may not apply to you. Get the support you want and need. But focus on your DS and your needs. Good luck

Gemini69 · 20/04/2018 16:22

I'm speechless.... Flowers

Original poster
VeganAsia · 20/04/2018 19:50

I booked an appointment with my doctor for on Tuesday. DP has been in all day and is acting like nothing has happen. I don’t understand why he would do that to me and our son.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 20/04/2018 20:13

because you're not the problem.... He is... Hmm

Original poster
VeganAsia · 21/04/2018 07:46

I am going to go away by myself for a few days, I need some time alone to think.

OP posts:
Lunettesloupes · 21/04/2018 09:26

See a solicitor. And you’ll need a home for your son so either stay in the house or find a place yourself if you move out. Try to prioritise the practical issues. If it goes to court the court will look at the interests of the child and having a place to live is important in that.