Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He has ended it.

179 replies

VeganAsia · 14/04/2018 14:23

I have had to name change for this one.

After a week of disappearing, he has said that he no longer wants to be with me, because I don’t make him happy.

(There is a little bit of a back story) I will be honest I am hurt by him telling me this. He has also said that DS6 and I will have to move out of the house because he wants to sell it ASAP. He has told me to find an apartment and he will pay the rent for me.

I don’t have many people in real life that I would feel comfortable discussing this with, I guess it is because I am embarrassed.

OP posts:
Original poster
VeganAsia · 14/04/2018 16:28

AttilaTheMeerkat The house is in his name, and JennyHolzersGhost I don’t work.

OP posts:
lifechangesforever · 14/04/2018 16:34

I know this isn't a great time to tell you this but it sounds like you've put very little protection in place for yourself. No marriage and no name on the mortgage makes you very vulnerable, especially if you are a SAHP too without your own income.

I'm really unsure what you're rights are here but I think you need to stop texting and sit down and talk, explain that you have contributed to the mortgage by way of childcare for his son and you are not just going to move out on his texted say-so. Plans need to be in place, regardless of his motive.

Him wanting to sell so quickly suggests to me that there's money problems afoot - do you have any access to your joint finances?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/04/2018 16:34

Not wanting to take legal advice is not a good reason for not doing so. Its frankly daft because you need to determine contact and financial arrangements for your son from your ex partner. He has well and truly shafted you and in turn your child now.

He is still financially responsible for his child and if he is at all serious about paying rent on an apartment you will live in going forward (for long how though) then that agreement needs to be drawn up legally. He cannot use that as a reason though to dodge maintenance payments to your son.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/04/2018 16:36

No, you have not driven him to this. This is his choice and entirely of his own doing. You have been to date his good enough for now woman till someone else appeared on the scene.

Original poster
VeganAsia · 14/04/2018 16:42

lifechangesforever I have my own funds, and I am independently financially stable, so money isn’t an issue at my end, thank god. If my situation was any different I would be panicking right now, I know we need to act like adults and sit down and talk but I’m not on that level with him, I haven’t been for a while now. I’m 99% sure that he doesn’t have any money worries, and we don’t have no joint finances, for the bigger things such and DS’ education and care, we pay half each.

OP posts:
starryeyed19 · 14/04/2018 16:43

If you have the money, I would move out now and not wait for him.

Gemini69 · 14/04/2018 16:45

okay.. make a clean break.. He sounds like a complete Prick .. CMS for your Childs education lovely Flowers

Original poster
VeganAsia · 14/04/2018 17:01

Gemini69 He is certainly acting like one, thanks for the advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
VeganAsia · 14/04/2018 19:13

He is really trying to push me now, he has just texted telling me to go to my mums so he can spend tonight and Sunday with DS, bearing in mind the whole week he had disappeared for not once did he call and ask for him.

OP posts:
Adayindisney67 · 14/04/2018 19:50

Do not go. I suspect he will try change the locks! He doesn't get to dictate your life if he wants to be a dick!

Original poster
VeganAsia · 14/04/2018 19:58

Adayindisney67 I doubt he will try and change the locks, he isn’t that crazy! It is just so puzzling I don’t understand why he is behaving like this.

If he wants to go and be with someone else it’s fine, but there’s no need to be so nasty about this, it feels as if he wants to drive me to having a mental break down.

OP posts:
missbonita · 14/04/2018 20:09

No matter what has happened, you have not driven him to anything. He is an adult making his own decisions.

Take care of yourself, your son and your mental health. Flowers

Original poster
VeganAsia · 14/04/2018 20:15

missbonita I think my behaviour has paid a part in his decision to leave, my OCD is terrible, everything has to be perfect I don’t like to try new things and I’m slowly ruining my little boys life, I’m not allowing him to be the usual 6 year old.

OP posts:
Beaverhausen · 14/04/2018 20:18

I would just say no "sorry I need X amount of time to pack everything of mine and DS's up,it is the least you owe me." Also contact CSA on Monday and get the ball rolling especially if he is on birth certificate to ensure that they put a tag on his salary to pay you every month.

I know it must be a shock and really heartbreaking but give it a year and you will have a new lease on life if not sooner. xx

inlectorecumbit · 14/04/2018 20:19

Do not leave your DS with him this weekend- the way he is behaving he just might not hand him back

expatinscotland · 14/04/2018 20:23

'He is really trying to push me now, he has just texted telling me to go to my mums so he can spend tonight and Sunday with DS, bearing in mind the whole week he had disappeared for not once did he call and ask for him.

Just tell him NO! FFS. 'You don't get to order me around. I'm not going anywhere on your commands. YOU go find somewhere to stay. You disappeared for a week with no contact so obviously you have some place to go.'

He is not your friend, OP, and you can't trust him for shit.

Original poster
VeganAsia · 14/04/2018 20:26

inlectorecumbit I do not trust him, and I will not leave him alone with DS. I already texted back “no” he has threatened before to take me to court for full custody of him.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 14/04/2018 20:31

I would say ‘no- I haven’t a new rental yet , you are not making our son homeless. Good luck going for custody while threatening to make him homeless. I’m sure you’ve been planning this for ages but it’s news to me and I need time to find somewhere to live.’
Can you really trust this guy to pay rent?! He doesn’t sound at all trustworthy.

Original poster
VeganAsia · 14/04/2018 20:42

timeisnotaline I can trust him to pay the rent, I know he wouldn’t do that to DS, and soon I am going to have to explain to DS that we will be moving home.

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 14/04/2018 20:44

Call 101 and talk to the police...

Original poster
VeganAsia · 14/04/2018 20:52

mummmy2017 I appreciate your help and advice, but I don’t think this is a police issue.

OP posts:
BasilTheCat · 14/04/2018 21:10

I don't know why you think you can "trust him to pay the rent" - maybe you need to read the thousands of threads of women who have been fucked over by partners who have left!
He is leaving you and his son, he is threatening to get custody, he will probably take advantage of your mental health condition to do so. He is not your friend.

Original poster
VeganAsia · 14/04/2018 21:27

BasilTheCat Perhaps you’re right, I am just trying to stay positive right now. I can’t afford to let this whole situation trigger me off, saying that maybe DS will be better off with him.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 14/04/2018 21:35

don't leave your home because he demands you do OP.. stay there and enjoy your weekend with your DS and decide what you want to do in your own time OP... Flowers

Beaverhausen · 14/04/2018 21:55

Do not be silly OP, tell him you need x amount of time to move out. And tell him that the two of you can deal with shared custody like the loving parents that you are. But put it all in writing that way he can not turn he tables on you.

Your son needs you just as much as his dad, do not let this snake push you. Take a deep breath and get legal advice on Monday start with citizens advice it won't cost you a thing.

You can do this, every time he tries to push you, you ignore him. If he gets nasty you go to the police. Right now you need to protect you and your son.

If he tries to force you out of the house even why him paying the rent, are you on the tenancy? He can not force you out onto the street even the police will tell him to pull his neck in.

Stand your ground until you are ready to move.